Feedback on PS please? Content, grammar, any critique is appreciated!

[wv1125]

Growing up as one of five children who were heavily involved in sports, I was no stranger to doctors’ offices or the emergency room. As a child, I was in awe of how doctors and nurses seemed to know how to “fix” anything. When I was older, this fascination led me to pursue medical terminology and human anatomy elective course in high school. During my senior year, as part of a school-to-work program, I was privileged to gain my first experience in healthcare when I acquired a part-time job at a cardiologist’s office. There, I became familiarized with medical terminology, acquired valuable insight into the role of the physician, and learned the inner workings of a medical office.

 

With this experience under my belt and a desire to continue working in the medical field, I enrolled as a biology major at a university with a reputation for producing graduates who were well-qualified and well-prepared for graduate or professional school. In addition to my classes, I held a part-time job in the university’s office of disability services where I gained significant experience interacting with mentally and physically disabled individuals. Moreover, during my sophomore and junior years I worked a second job in the front office of a large health clinic. It was here that I that I was first introduced to the physician assistant profession when a physician assistant student conducted a clinical rotation in our office. I recognized and admired the partnership between the physician and the physician assistant and noted how each was a great complement to the other. I was also able to discuss the physician assistant profession with this student and learned of the rewarding benefits and promising future of this line of work, which piqued my interest and urged me to seriously consider this as a career choice. Admittedly, maintaining these two jobs while carrying full course loads during my second and third years of college slightly compromised my grades in some of my classes and resulted in my election to withdraw from a few of them; however, I strongly feel that the experiences and skills I gained in exchange were invaluable and greatly supplement the knowledge I obtained in the classroom.

 

The most affirming moments of my decision to pursue physician assistant school came when I shadowed a physician assistant, Amy Johnson, at a health clinic designated as a center for serving a medically underserved population. Day after day, I witnessed patients with a lack of insurance and many with a lack of education about their own health enter the clinic seeking not only medical treatment, but also someone to listen and to care. These patients were not disappointed. Amy treated each individual with a compassionate skill beyond what I had seen in any other health professional. The patients were like her flock, and she, like a good shepherd, cared for each as her own. Through each appointment, she exuded tenderness and empathy as she went over the patient’s past medical history, recent problems, and entire list of current medications without as much as a glance at their chart. More than that, she knew their family members, what was going on with their children, and any personal struggles they may be going through, which set the patients at ease in her presence. I admired the value in and truly enjoyed the close one-on-one interaction with the patients, so this confirmed that a career as a physician assistant was where I belonged.

 

The look in the eyes of the struggling individuals at the West Valley Health Clinic, those who had no insurance, those who could not afford to miss another day’s work, and those too proud to admit that they needed help, is something I will never forget. I have seen this look many other times in my life when sickness has struck closer to home. I saw it in the eyes of my grandmother who watched her independence deteriorate as quickly as her health while she battled amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. I have seen it in each laborious attempted step of my brother who was left partially paralyzed following a motor vehicle accident at the age of 18, and in my childhood best friend who, two months after we tossed our graduation caps into the air, was diagnosed with leukemia. There are troubled, disadvantaged flocks of people all around us in need of compassionate, skillful physician assistants to provide the help that they need. I am confident that my inner desire, coupled with the experiences and education I have attained thus far, successfully lay the foundation for the next step in my life. I am ready to be the shepherd.

[jen0508]

a few things i noticed as i skimmed through:

 

"With this experience under my belt and a desire to continue working in the medical field, I enrolled as a biology major at a university with a reputation for producing graduates who were well-qualified and well-prepared for graduate or professional school. " i would take that part out, sounds VERY cheesy and who cares what undergrad school you attended

 

 

"I recognized and admired the partnership between the physician and the physician assistant and noted how each was a great complement to the other". i thought it was a PA student? if so then say physician assistant student. Better yet, just introduce then abbreviation "PA" so you can stop writing out "physician assistant"

 

"The patients were like her flock, and she, like a good shepherd, cared for each as her own" what the?? please take this out or find another way to say this... the flock and shepherd thing is weird...

 

"The look in the eyes of the struggling individuals at the West Valley Health Clinic..." what is west valley health clinic? you just threw it in there and never introduced what it was. was that the clinic where you shadowed?? please explain

 

"There are troubled, disadvantaged flocks of people all around us ..." i laughed when i read this.... probably not the reaction you want from the admissions committee..

 

You never really mentioned what your role was at the cardiologists office... were you a medical assistant? EKG tech? where you just there to sort out charts? where you doing housekeeping?? please elaborate because at this point it looks like you have no healthcare experience other than shadowing. what did you do after undergrad? these are questions i have after reading your personal statement and i'm sure admissions would have the same questions.

 

good luck!