First Draft, 250 words, please rip apart!

[cturtle]

Here is my first draft for my application to the Interservice Physician Assistant Program. I have a 250 word limit, hence the brevity. Please feel free to rip apart, criticize, and share your impressions/thoughts. Thank you!

 

 

Unlike many, I cannot say that being a physician assistant (PA) has been my sole life's journey. Before joining the Air Force I was a pre-veterinary student. My college job at a mortuary profoundly impacted me and changed my path completely. The satisfaction of helping people through life's darkest hours made me realize that veterinary medicine would never be enough. Despite mounting student loans and the fear that I might be losing my mind, I decided to reevaluate my life and seek out my true calling.

 

It wasn't until I was stationed at Nellis AFB that I became familiar with the PA profession through my own medical care. After borderline obsessive research and some serious soul searching, I know that being a PA is the perfect fit for me. The ability to provide direct patient care throughout my career, the fast pace, and the lifelong commitment to education all motivate me to become a PA. To build a solid understanding of the profession, I have shadowed in family medicine and orthopedics. Observing the day to day activities of a PA firsthand has been an invaluable experience and reaffirmed my decision to become a PA. My unique background and perspective on life and death will make me an excellent PA. Eventually I hope to put the training I receive in IPAP to good use through humanitarian work with a focus in women's health. I have the ability, I have the drive, and I am excited to embark upon this journey.

[jen0508]

so as i quickly skim your personal statement, things that pop out: "losing my mind" ... "borderline obsessive".... hmm.. might want to take these phrases out and replace them with something else.... this is slang and is not appropriate for a personal statement. plus, if all adcom remembers are those words, they will think you have psych issues. otherwise, this is okay.... do you have any healthcare experience other than the mortuary? if so, mention it. what do you do in the military? mention that

[cturtle]

Thanks for the feedback, I will definitely change that.

[RC36]

Absolutely take out the first sentence. You don't want to start with words that make the reader think you are applying because it's a last resort. Also, take out the last sentence of the first paragraph and tell the story of how you transitioned from veterinary medicine to the Air Force. Then continue with what experiences in the AF made you realize being a PA is your true calling. I would also say to maybe re-evaluate why researching PAs has inspired you and talk more about what experiences opened up your eyes to the career field. PAs know what they do- don't waste your words telling them what you think they do. I'm in the AF as well and am applying this year. Sell yourself to them! I got a depressing feeling from the first paragraph, and I can only assume they'll want something that speaks more of what drives and inspires you. It's difficult to talk yourself up when you're in the military (it sounds ridiculous sometimes), but I'm sure you done some amazing things. Hope it helps!

[cturtle]

@RC36 Thanks for your insight, I am going to revise and repost when I am finished. I definitely don't want it to sound depressing! Unfortunately my AF job is in maintenance and nothing to do with medicine so most of my medical exposure has been through shadowing. Also, good luck with your application, are you looking at IPAP or civilian programs?

[RC36]

Just looking at civilian programs. And I also have an AF job that has nothing to do with healthcare. That's the worst part for us I think! Good luck with your application as well!