REAPPLYING THIS CYCLE - thoughts greatly appreciated

fdamico1985 · June 2, 2012

Hello everyone - I am a reapplicant this cycle. This is my personal statement from last cycle - I only applied to one school and interviewed but was put on the alternate list. The one struggle I am coming across when reapplying is how to revise my personal statement, probably the most important part. Some say to completely rewrite, others say to revise. I don't want to completely rewrite because the fundamentals and stories about why I want to do this are the same, but I need some insight onwhere/how bring in what I have done since last year and also explain another experience that has happened since then. Your insight is greatly appreciated...

At any moment, I felt the slightest gust of wind would blow over the house of cards that had become my life. It was a cold house filled with the agony of watching my sister try to conceive a child, my first loss of a loved one and being plagued with the insecurity of where my place was in this world. Ironically enough these experiences have been the worst, but have led me into a house filled with my best and most insightful memories.

It was a brisk, early morning in January as I jogged past rows of cars in the parking lot of the hospital. I had gotten the call that my sister was in labor and excitement was rushing through my veins to meet the nephew I thought I would never have. My sister had tried in-vitro fertilization unsuccessfully twice and memories of the process flooded my mind as I rode the elevator up eight floors. After endless progesterone shots and heartache I recalled my sister, 8 months pregnant, telling me how grateful she was for modern medicine and for the kindness of the providers who helped her get here. The newborn cries of my nephew broke my reminiscent mind and filled the air like sweet music and it was in that moment that I realized the power of science, medicine and the magnitude of healthcare providers who encourage us to hope when we are scared to.

As new life came into the world in my nephew, an old soul was departing in my grandfather. Alzheimer’s disease had manifested itself in his brain seven years earlier and his body had now succumbed to the effects. The family gathered in his room, which didn’t have the usual smell of coffee in the air and Frank Sinatra in the background, but instead, a still, calm aura. Some of my family had to leave the room because the feeling was too overwhelming, but I sat and watched as my grandfather peacefully took his last breaths. It was now, that I felt the excruciating loss of life for the first time, but it was also now that I was eased by the comforting hand on my back of the physician assistant while I began to let go even though I didn’t know how.

The people and experiences I’ve encountered have instilled a curiosity of medicine in my soul that fuels my interest. I relish in studying how our bodies work through biology courses, interactions with patients and researching every new symptom or illness I hear about. I have become the person my family and friends call with medical complexities. I was chatting with my friend Jessica one summer night and she said that her son Mason, had been running a slight fever, about 99.9 degrees, for a week. Later, Jessica and I went to pick Mason up after school and after the kids ran around on the playground I took one look at little Mason and did not see a drop of sweat on him but he was bright red and complained of feeling like he was “burning”. Assuming dehydration, Jess turned to hurry home with Mason and I went on a research spree where I came across an article in a medical journal about hypohidrosis. Since all of Mason’s symptoms pointed to the condition I printed out the article, went with Jessica to Mason’s pediatrician the next day and he was diagnosed with hypohidrosis. I laid my hand on Jessica’s back reminiscent of my grandfather’s physician assistant and I heard a sigh of relief from her that someone was there; I knew the feeling well and was happy to offer it. Although it meant minor life style changes for him, Jessica was relieved to have answers and I was overcome with sheer happiness that I touched a life in the way that medical providers do every day.

I fell in love with medicine at this point and had a drive to unite science with compassion just like I had witnessed others do. One afternoon I came out into the waiting room of the developmental pediatric office I work at to call back five-year-old Mariele, a brown-eyed, raven-haired beauty who seemed exceedingly shy. She warmed up to me after I got her height and weight and asked her to “blow out” the light in my otoscope like birthday candles so that I could listen to her heart. While Mariele was being evaluated by the doctor, I talked with her mother, a physician assistant for over an hour about the profession and I felt my heart swell up with joy as I thought about providing quality care to others and still having the time to dedicate to the family I wish for someday. As Mariele was about to check out, she asked to listen to my heart, and as I got down on my knees so that she could put the stethescope on my chest, we smiled at each other, and my passion to become a physician assistant burgeoned before my eyes.

The privilege to educate others and continue to be educated is a treasure. To inspire hope where hope is lost and provide a buttress for the broken is humanity and humanity is what changes lives. The promise and dedication from the physician assistant community has been the foundation to turn my house of cards into a sturdy, brick home; a home that I want to invite my patients into with open arms.

LaBombera · June 3, 2012

Hi, me again as promised; ok so I'm definitely no expert here- and this is my first time applying so I really don't have much of a leg to stand on to give you advice. But I can tell you what your PS felt like to me and I can give you some advice others have given me:

Your PS, although beautifully writen and oozing with feeling, reads to me more like a journal entry than a PS that could be your ticket into PA school. I understand you wanting to show the passion for medicine and where the inspiration came from, but in my humble opinion there is too much fluff. I.e. too much detail on your sisters attempts at a pregnancy- suffice to say she "experienced infertility challenges" or something like that and save that precious small real estate they give us to write for something else.

It really is well into your essay before the reader hears about you wanting to be a PA. One piece of advice given to me was "why a PA and not a Dr or NP or nurse?" in other words: be clear in telling why the career of PA is the one you want over all other options. Conviction.

Here's an outline I'm following from a book I bought on writing essays: Open with an attention getter; then capture the reader's interest in the next paragraph, then show your conviction for wanting it, and end with desire. (I failed on that last one evidently which I'm grateful you pointed out to me).

Ok I'll leave you with that for now. I'll keep an eye out for your posts.

Cheers and thanks again for your comments on mine =}

Just Steve · June 3, 2012

I got through the first paragraph and it glazed me over. Great creative writing class essay but that first paragraph didn't tell me anything substantial about YOU.

To have in your second line that you are watching your sister try to conceive a child raises an eyebrow...granted, it was what kept me reading, trying to figure out where the heck you were going but after seeing the general premise, I checked out.

Ok...am back. Just finished reading the rest of your creative essay work. Still creative, flowery, fluffy, underwhelming. You spend most of your bytes telling stories of other people and not of yourself. I did glean out that you work in a clinic but have no idea what your role there is or how that role has hooked you on PA school. The "research spree" comment left me with the visual of you hunched over an iPhone googling up random search phrases about hot kids and not sweating.

I have no idea why you should be admitted into PA school. Being the contact person for your family/friends to bounce medical things off of isn't quite a deal closer for me. What substantial things have you done to prepare for the PA profession?

In all fairness, the "research spree" happens every day in clinics across the nation... UpToDate! is a flippin' FANTASTIC resource and will become your best friend. I shouldn't be so harsh but the rest of your essay is just soooo fluffy.

Good luck. My vote is for a complete rewrite.

RHC81 · June 5, 2012

First, my disclaimer: I am not a PA or PA student (yet), but I have been a journalist for more than 10 years, in newspapers, magazines, and online. So take my advice for what it's worth, but I yield to current PAs or PA students.

Please forgive me, for I'm going to be blunt. Rewrite it. Entirely. I know you probably put a lot of time and effort into it, and I know it's hard to hear criticism when you've worked hard on writing something, but rewrite this. Your current statement would probably do well in creative writing, but this isn't creative writing. This is your chance to make sure you have a seat in the interview rounds.

The first time I read this, I got lost somewhere around the cold house of agony; my eyes glazed over, and I thought, "Yawn...Flowery, dramatic, overdone...I don't want to read this....Next?" I know that's harsh, but, if I glazed over and thought that, what would an AdCom member think who's read 300 personal statements already?

Like Just Steve, I really have no idea why you want to be a PA. It's nice that your friend came to you with her kid's medical issues, I'm happy for your sister's new little one, and I'm very sorry about the loss of your grandfather. But these are fairly common experiences. Why do you want to be a PA? Because of one conversation with a patient's mom? Because of your grandfather, sister, or friend's son? Or something else? How did they make you want to become a PA, other than a curiosity about medicine? Curiosity only gets you so far. I'm curious about filmmaking, but that doesn't mean I'm going to run off to Hollywood to direct movies; do you understand my point? Are you pursuing PA school because of curiosity only? What further steps have you taken to make sure it's not just a passing curiosity? Why are you sure you want to commit the next two to three years of your life to becoming a PA and then the next few decades to the profession?

You bury your HCE at the bottom; what do you do at the pediatric office? Are you in billing, a tech, work behind a desk? Maybe expand on this? HCE is more compelling than the story about your sister's infertility issues, as it shows an actual commitment to healthcare.

In your rewrite, I'd suggest avoiding the tendency to over-dramatize. If the essays posted on here are any indication, drama will not set you apart from the crowd. This is not creative writing or a novel. You are selling yourself. Why should the AdCom interview you instead of the 10 other people who are trying for the same seat? This is your chance to separate yourself from the crowd, not for your writing style, but for why you want to be a PA and why they should choose you. Don't make them wade through your prose to find a vague inclination of why you want to be a PA or why you're right for their school.

Sometimes, we add words and create dramatic metaphors when we don't know what to say. Think about this: What do you bring to the table? Why should they pick you? You have something to offer their program and to the PA profession; what is it? Whether it's your undergraduate degree or the compassion you have that made you work with children, don't make them hunt for it. Get to it quickly, in the first or second paragraph, and then spend the rest of your time proving your point. Use your other experiences to prove your point. If you don't have enough material to make the full word count, then don't. Resist the temptation to "filler" - that is, don't just add words to make it seem longer.

This may be just me, but please don't refer to your pediatric patient as a "raven-haired beauty." While perhaps it's poetic, I personally found it a bit creepy. Not the reaction you want to your PS.

Finally, don't use patients' names; I wouldn't even use first names. HIPAA is pretty strict. Just to be safe, if you must refer to a patient, I'd use "a 5-year-old patient" or, at worst, "my 5-year-old patient, M." Neither of those identify her, and it demonstrates to the AdCom that you understand patient privacy.

Best of luck to you.

RHC81 · June 5, 2012