Rough first draft

[Will352ns]

This may be a soup sandwich at the moment. I may end up completely re-writing. Please brutalize. Any comments appreciated. Thanks, Will.

 

I drove to and from work today with a smile on my face, it was a good day. This was one of my days to see patients in the base emergency room. I do this once or twice a month when I’m not away from home to maintain and sharpen my patient care skills. I am an Independent Duty Medical Technician (IDMT) in the Air Force. I treat and diagnose active duty patients under the supervision of a physician using protocols that define my scope of practice. Today I treated eight patients with complaints ranging from a simple sore throat to guy that I suspected, correctly, of having appendicitis. He is in recovery as I write this. I knew I would be writing my personal statement tonight, so I was happy to have something to write about. That said, I don’t wish appendicitis on anyone. It would have been a good day even if I only treated a dozen colds. I simply enjoy seeing patients. This is why I would like to become a physician assistant.

I have been a military medic for 19 years, 9 of those years as an IDMT. I have always steered myself towards the more challenging duties. Even during my early career as a hospital medic, I gravitated towards the tougher positions. I “cut my teeth” working in emergency rooms and learning as much as I could. During those early years I was also pursuing my education with hopes of leaving the military and moving on to a civilian career. Then war broke out.

The events in 2001 changed everything for me. I could not face leaving the military at the start of a war. I finished my under-grad as quick as could because I knew I wanted to get more involved; more challenged. I was lucky enough to find a program that would finish my bachelors in between deployments. Once finished, I applied and was accepted to IDMT school. I knew this was the gateway to get me more engaged with what was happening. I was right, my time supporting contingency operations isn’t measured in months, it’s measured in years. I don’t regret a day of it; I felt it was my duty and I wanted the challenge.

Throughout all this time, physician assistant was always in the back of my mind. To me, it is a natural progression that I always knew I would gravitate to. I am used to working as part of a team and that is where I feel comfortable. I have witnesses many people in my position become “burnt out” or jaded with medicine. I have more enthusiasm about medicine now than I did when I first started. I love learning more about medicine. If I am working with a physician, I sometimes shock them by asking them to give me criticism if did something wrong and then thank them for it. I ask that no punches are pulled; if I can do something better let me know. I am not an old dog who can’t learn new tricks. Much of my mindset comes directly from working with some of the best of the best that the military has to offer.

For the last seven years I have worked as part of a special operations medical element. I have supported all branches of special operations forces and there is one common trait that I have taken and adapted to my life. That is, you can always do better but not until you know how to take criticism. If a person cannot do that, they cannot reach their potential. I seek admission to physician assistant school with an open mind and a willingness to learn.

As I get ready to retire from the military, I am ready for my next challenge. Physician assistant is that challenge. I have spent the last year finishing my prerequisite courses while maintaining an operational schedule of being away from home an average of 200 days a year. To say that the challenge has already started is an understatement. I can track my academic progress better by thinking of where I was when I was taking the course. Studying a chemistry book while lying in a small tent in the Saharan Desert gives one a bit of perspective on things. I know that there is a hard road in front of me and I know that I have a lot of work to do. I look forward to it. Thank you.

[2full2eat]

Hey Will,

I want to start off saying I'm not very fond of your opening paragraph, its not interesting, very forward, and id consider a new opener. Spelling mistakes and grammar are HUGE, even though its a draft keep your draft perfect. You'll have a better chance of sending in great material. You mention that 2001 changed everything for you, however your not really referring to the actual event and more so the war that followed. I may focus more on what you did or be more specific as to how 2001 changed things and really include examples of some sort of personal story in there. 9/11 was a big day that all of america knows about try to exemplify your experiences during deployment, look for a soft spot the reader will enjoy.

[2full2eat]

Also, I wouldn't use the words "cut my teeth" its kind of awkward, and because I never heard the phrase before, i was little confused about what it really means.

[Just Steve]

This may be a soup sandwich at the moment. I may end up completely re-writing. Please brutalize. Any comments appreciated. Thanks, Will.

 

I drove to and from work today with a smile on my face, it was a good day. This was one of my days to see patients in the base emergency room. I do this once or twice a month when I’m not away from home to maintain and sharpen my patient care skills. I am an Independent Duty Medical Technician (IDMT) in the Air Force. I treat and diagnose active duty patients under the supervision of a physician using protocols that define my scope of practice. Today I treated eight patients with complaints ranging from a simple sore throat to guy that I suspected, correctly, of having appendicitis. He is in recovery as I write this. I knew I would be writing my personal statement tonight, so I was happy to have something to write about. That said, I don’t wish appendicitis on anyone. It would have been a good day even if I only treated a dozen colds. I simply enjoy seeing patients. This is why I would like to become a physician assistant.

Yawner. It reads like a story you tell grade school kids at "career day". Has no grab, no punch. That is a mediocre day. I am positive in your almost 20 years of military service you can spice it up little without having to get into the horrors of war. What you have there is a lot of words saying not much of anything. I like the fact that you are a vet about to retire and have a very super solid medical background and that needs to come out but the surrounding fluff is just that.. fluff.

I have been a military medic for 19 years, 9 of those years as an IDMT. I have always steered myself towards the more challenging duties. Even during my early career as a hospital medic, I gravitated towards the tougher positions. I “cut my teeth” working in emergency rooms and learning as much as I could. During those early years I was also pursuing my education with hopes of leaving the military and moving on to a civilian career. So has every other military medical provider. Don't tell me that you gravitated towards stuff...show me. What did you do specifically? How did it help you prepare to be a PA? Let me read about the tough cases, not about sore throats or hot appies in an ER. Hot appie in the austere conditions, now that's something. Then war broke out.

The events in 2001 changed everything for me. I could not face leaving the military at the start of a war. I finished my under-grad as quick as could because I knew I wanted to get more involved; more challenged. I was lucky enough to find a program that would finish my bachelors in between deployments. Once finished, I applied and was accepted to IDMT school. I knew this was the gateway to get me more engaged with what was happening. I was right, my time supporting contingency operations isn’t measured in months, it’s measured in years. I don’t regret a day of it; I felt it was my duty and I wanted the challenge.

more fluff. What you accomplished is an impressive feat. It's a patriotic feat. It's noble. But you write in such broad generalizations it loses all it's punch. Give specifics. Perhaps make a list of bullet points of your hardest accomplishments then use that as an outline to describe your life achievements.

Throughout all this time, physician assistant was always in the back of my mind. To me, it is a natural progression that I always knew I would gravitate to. I am used to working as part of a team and that is where I feel comfortable. I have witnesses many people in my position become “burnt out” or jaded with medicine. I have more enthusiasm about medicine now than I did when I first started. I love learning more about medicine. If I am working with a physician, I sometimes shock them by asking them to give me criticism if did something wrong and then thank them for it. I ask that no punches are pulled; if I can do something better let me know. I am not an old dog who can’t learn new tricks. Much of my mindset comes directly from working with some of the best of the best that the military has to offer.

For the last seven years I have worked as part of a special operations medical element. I have supported all branches of special operations forces and there is one common trait that I have taken and adapted to my life. That is, you can always do better but not until you know how to take criticism. If a person cannot do that, they cannot reach their potential. I seek admission to physician assistant school with an open mind and a willingness to learn.

As I get ready to retire from the military, I am ready for my next challenge. Physician assistant is that challenge. I have spent the last year finishing my prerequisite courses while maintaining an operational schedule of being away from home an average of 200 days a year. To say that the challenge has already started is an understatement. I can track my academic progress better by thinking of where I was when I was taking the course. Studying a chemistry book while lying in a small tent in the Saharan Desert gives one a bit of perspective on things. I know that there is a hard road in front of me and I know that I have a lot of work to do. I look forward to it. Thank you.

 

 

oooph....I only critiqued half way through as I quickly found myself thinking the same thing over and over. YOU as a person have a great story, miles above your fellow applicants in experience and qualifications...but I only know that because I too am a vet. This letter is a delivery of broad, gauzy, fluff that says "I'm a great guy and have worked hard...let me into PA school because that is the natural order of things." While I agree with that theory, the AdComs may not be impressed.

 

All that being said.. depending on the school you choose you could probably write "I spent 20 years in the service, 7 of those as an IDMT with special forces. If you don't let me in you're a fool" and probably still get in just fine. However...probably safer to re think your PS and tell us why you want to be a PA. We get that you love medicine and want to challenge yourself. So does every applicant. Why are you more deserving than them?

 

Thinking about your letter, it feels that you spent the last 7 years of your life seeing some really horrific crap that you want to leave behind and wrote a letter that doesn't come within a million miles of what you have been through. I am willing to bet you can draw upon your medical experiences and how they shaped your life without re hashing the horrors.

 

How's that for brutal?

[LaBombera]

I liked where you were going with this. Simple and honest. I was able to picture you through your military medical duty. However the word "I" appears way too many times. The golden rule is no more than 5 times in an essay. Try reworkind some of your sentences. Like the reader before, I too was expecting to read about the "big life changing moment".....waiting.....

=}

[IdahoPA]

I agree. You are selling yourself waaaaaay short. Your PS reads like someone who has lil/mediocre experience and you're trying to turn it into something great, when the reality is the exact opposite. I almost entirely missed that you were a spec ops medic. Maybe you could elaborate on why you continued your medic education from standard medic to IDMT to working in such a specialized setting. Each "move" came with increased responsibilities and a larger skill set, and shows a clear dedication to the medical field. JustSteve pretty much summed it up: you would practically have to give a school a reason to say no to you.

 

LaBombera, it's a PS. The normal rules to essay writing don't necessarily apply here. I think it would be impossible to limit something so self-centered to only five Is. The result would be a ton of weak, passive-voiced sentences.

[Will352ns]

Got it thanks. One of the things I didn't want to do is make it sound like I was telling "war" stories.....but I agree, I sold myself way short.

Comments on opening paragraph:

I was trying to show that it doesn’t matter what I see, I like to treat. I was hoping something would happen the other day....then the guy with the appy came in.....yes, it’s a yawner. I do have a hot appy in an austere location story, but even that was a no brainer...pumped him full of ABX and flew him out before it was too late. No field appy for me...thank God.

 

I have some interesting things I can speak about.....dozens of things really. I just need to find the right thing. Honestly, I'm still going to stay away from things I've done in Iraq and A-Stan....too many folks have better stories than I. I may incorporate some of the things I've done in Africa.

 

Second Paragraph

"Cut my Teeth" is an old saying that refers to a growing baby (learning to eat)....not a good saying if even one person doesn't understand it. It's gone. I can build this up to show what I was doing to gain experience. You guys are right, it’s weak.

 

3^Rd and 4^th

I’m not actually trying to do the whole “wave the flag” routine, just show why I decided to stay in after I finished my under-grad. There is an element of that but I’ve never been the type to play that up. I can reword this much better. Thanks.

 

Question:

Towards the latter half, I'm trying to covey that I'm not the type of guy who thinks that because I have been doing a similar job (lower level) that I have it made. Basically, I'm not coming in with chip on my shoulder. Is this point coming across?

Thanks for the comments. Just Steve....yes, brutal, that was what I was looking for. Thanks.

[Will352ns]

Maybe a rethink here. I structured it more chronologically and added some experiences I have had. It's a little long, but there is a lot I can trim. Sorry if I am bugging, I tend to write this way....write/rewrite.... Thanks

 

 

To be honest, my interest in medicine wasn’t a calling that I felt at an early age or anything like that. It was a gradual build-up that continues to this day. I joined the military in 1993 because I wanted direction and the opportunity to further my education. I had an idea that I would like medicine so I chose to come in as an aerospace medical technician. My first assignment was working in L&D. As a 21 year old male, this was daunting at first, but I ended up enjoying it. I found myself asking the doctors and nurses that I worked with everything I could. If it wasn’t busy, I would read anything I could to educate myself on what was happening around me. I convinced my section chief to let me go to ACLS and PALS even though I was not yet a paramedic. I did well in these courses, even in the not so kind and gentle ACLS of old. In short, I was getting a knack for this. After L&D, I moved to the emergency room. I enjoyed the variety of patients and I seemed to excel in the controlled chaos around me. I ended up spending a total of seven years of my career working ER. I think one of my best attributes is my ability to remain calm under pressure. This is a skill I learned while working in the ER and this shaped my future career.

Education was one of the reasons I joined the military. As soon as I returned from my first overseas assignment, I plunged in. This was a very busy time for me. I carried a class load of nine to twelve credits a term while working full time in the base ER and moonlighting in a local hospital ER. Around the year 2000, I was on the cusp as to whether I was going to continue my career or pursue a civilian career. Physician assistant was at the top of the list of things I wanted to do and I was ready to steer my courses that way. The events of 2001 changed these plans. It became apparent that we would be getting involved in a long standing war and to be honest, I wanted in. At the same time, I also wanted something to show for the school that I had already completed. I found a program that would complete a bachelor in business administration between my deployments. I felt this degree would be a good stepping stone for me to go back to later. I just didn’t know it would be 11 years later.

I wanted to get closer to what was going on yet I still wanted to continue advancing my medical skill-set to prepare for the possibility of PA school later. The best way to do that was to attend the Air Force IDMT school. An IDMT is an enlisted medical provider that operates in the absence of a physician or a PA. I was accepted and completed IDMT school in 2003. To give one an idea of how difficult the course is, my class had a 60% attrition rate. This was the norm.

Between 2003 and 2005 I completed two deployments as an IDMT in Iraq. These were my first experiences acting as an independent provider. I wasn’t just treating combat casualties; in contrast, I spent more time treating basic ailments that you would expect from folks living in a hot dirty environment. I found I enjoyed both aspects of care. I was happy to treat a soldier with pneumonia or a soldier with a gun-shot wound. I have an innate need to fix things and IDMT gave me an outlet for that. I liked that fact that I was working in collaboration with a physician. I had no problems bouncing ideas and questions off of them when I needed help. In fact, I prided myself on my ability to gain a physicians’ confidence. These deployments gave me a taste of what it would be like to operate in the realm of a PA and further shaped my continued career progression.

I wanted more responsibility, medical knowledge, and more involvement in the fight. I applied for Special Operations Command IDMT (SOC-IDMT) in 2005 and was accepted into the year-long pipeline training. There are only 50 SOC-IDMT’s in the Air Force. We are not the “high speed death machines” that most people think of when they think of Special Operations. We have no distinguishing badges or berets. We are quiet professionals that are valued for close air support during combat operations and our ability to operate discretely with special operations personnel in remote, austere, or politically sensitive locations. For the last seven years I have been involved in operations that span the globe. Whether I am supporting kinetic operations or assisting in humanitarian operations, I am using the full spectrum of what I am trained to do. Many times the job isn’t as “sexy” as it sounds. Rolling into a village and having a local hand me what is essentially a dead baby is a stark reminder that somethings can't be trained for. These types of experiences have shaped who I am today and have hopefully made me better for it. I understand the intricacies of listening to patients; reading their undertones. I know when someone is telling me they aren’t hurting when in reality they are. More importantly, I have the gut sense that tells me when something isn’t right. If I was to narrow down the most important things that these experiences have given me, it would be: Never be afraid to take criticism and know when to ask for help. Nobody is Superman.

I hope to take the lessons I have learned over the years and expand on them in PA school. I have the drive and the work ethic to succeed. I started working as a medic 19 years ago and I am more enthusiastic than ever about medicine. Thank you.

[LaBombera]

Regarding the: >only use "I" 5 times in your essay< came from Andy Rodican's advise "The 5 worst aspects of a PS". Frankly I was having a really hard time with it. It encourages me to know that it might be ok to speak of oneself a little more, thanks!

[mackjacks]

Question:

Towards the latter half, I'm trying to covey that I'm not the type of guy who thinks that because I have been doing a similar job (lower level) that I have it made. Basically, I'm not coming in with chip on my shoulder. Is this point coming across?

 

I definitely got this point in your first PS, but in the new draft (or any later ones) you could sum up the idea in a sentence or two. Ex: I know there is much more I could learn in PA school...I am prepared for the rigors of PA education...I am excited to expand upon my previous experiences in PA school...