First draft, PLEASE read and critique (4,999 char) - much thanks!!

[NewbiePA-C]

My motivation towards becoming a physician assistant has developed from a long history of both professional and personal experiences throughout my life. The initial desire to learn about medicine emerged from being the child of an alcoholic parent, witnessing and experiencing the physical and emotional ramifications of the disease. This eventually transpired into pursuing psychology and health science majors as an undergrad with additional focus on drug use, addiction and family dynamics.

At the age of 19 while working towards my degree, I began working in special education as a teacher's assistant. This afforded me the opportunity to work with young children diagnosed with various physical, emotional, and learning disabilities, including autism, ADHD, and CP. For 4 years, I continued to work in special education and found it to be a wonderfully rewarding experience. My direction in life had been defined; to work with people in need of special care.

I took a particularly fond interest in psychology as an undergrad. Disease of the mind intrigued me, with the profound effects it could have on a person's overall health. I still consider psychology as "my first love" with regards to healthcare. After graduation, my life took me across the country in a move from my hometown in New York to Arizona to pursue a career healthcare. I began working as a behavioral health (BH) case manager (CM). As a member of a multi-disciplinary clinical team, I managed a caseload of patients (pts) diagnosed with serious mental illness (SMI) and dual diagnosis.

I recall one of many interesting pts I managed. Rose was a pt in her early 40's who suffered from paranoid schizophrenia with symptoms of delusions and auditory hallucinations. She was difficult to engage in treatment and often fell victim to homelessness and self-injurious behaviors. She became pregnant during an episode of severe decompensation. My struggles with Rose's treatment non-compliance, heightened with the delicate nature of her pregnancy and new concerns for the safety of her unborn child. I worked tirelessly in a collaborative effort with the clinical team to secure at least the basic care (including prenatal care), medication, and shelter she required. In my efforts to build a rapport with Rose, she began to trust me, and I was able to work with her on the sensitive matter of her pregnancy. In a clinical staffing with myself, her psychiatrist, nurse, and ASK (an agency who assists in high risk adoptions), Rose conceded to the adoption of her baby. Rose hugged and thanked me afterwards for helping her find a stable home for her baby. This deeply moving experience and similar, extremely challenging cases I encountered in the 3 years I spent in BH, inspired me to reach further into the field of healthcare.

In the 8 years that followed, I expanded my horizons by moving out of BH and into long-term care medical case management under AHCCCS and Medicaid. As a long-term care clinical coordinator, I discovered a proclivity for medicine. From co-managing hospice and AIDS pts to setting up in-home and specialty services for newly traumatic brain injured pts, I was exposed to a full array of chronic and acute diseases and conditions. It provided me the opportunity to become intimately involved in pt care. It also exposed me to various types of healthcare professionals at all levels from a home health aide to the program medical director. Often times I would staff clinically complex cases with the medical director in order to formulate treatment plans that would optimize patients' health and functioning. I found the difficult cases fascinating and challenging; it motivated me to work even harder with my healthcare team to find viable options for quality pt care. I was trained to provide supplemental disease management which was incorporated into my in-home pt assessments. I knew I was making a difference in people's lives when I was able to have one of my non-compliant diabetics begin daily blood sugar checks, or one of my CHF pts to weigh him/herself daily and utilize the O2 and nebulizer treatments, or one of my Native American tribal pts, understand the value of preventative health screenings. This gave me a tremendous amount of satisfaction which made any of the challenges of my work well worth the effort.

Through numerous work-related pt interactions, PA shadowing, and my own personal experience as a pt with a chronic disease, I realized a career as a physician assistant matched my goals in providing quality care for people. I found my passion to play a more significant role in helping people to achieve the highest quality of life they can in the face of compromised health. I feel that I possess the understanding, compassion, and the genuine desire to provide quality care to patients in the capacity of this role. A career as a physician assistant would fulfill my life-long mission in helping people live healthier lives.

[IdahoPA]

Three things:

1.) you can abbreviate a lot of terms in papers...patients (pts) isn't one of them. (I get the character limit, but no.) Also, #s smaller than ten are written out.

2.) I feel like we hear more about Rose than we do you

3.) I also feel that you want to be a psychologist or in social work or something, rather than a PA. (Though, I guess there are BH PAs.) It's great that you have a varied background, but perhaps your emphasis for a PS for trying to get into PA school should focus more on the latter half of your career.

[NewbiePA-C]

Thanks for your comments. I didn't like the patient(s) abbreviation either, it was in fact the character limit I was fighting with. In another draft (that was too long) I had so much more included, some of which were other stories in medical case management and my shadowing time. I guess there's just so much I've done in the field in the last 10 years that I'm having a hard time extracting and narrowing down what I want to say about my experiences.

[LaBombera]

Try to remove all the "I" references. remember the golden rule: no more than 5.

[NewbiePA-C]

True. So hard to do though. I think that's one rule I'm going to bend on some. I did revise my statement and took out the story of Rose and added a little more about my experience doing clinical case management and shadowing. I think it sounds better. I'll have to post up the new version.

 

Thanks for the continued feedback.

[NewbiePA-C]

The five I rule for a 5000 character essay soon turns it to a mushy narrative that reeks with passive voice. Cut some "I's", but don't go overboard. Example: "my experience with patient care puts me in a good position to be an excellent PA.".... Vs: "I am in a good position to be an excellent PA because of my experience with patient care." the latter is a bit more confident. The former seems to dance around what you want to say. Instead of the five I rule, start with cutting "I's" in consecutive sentences, and gradually extend it to every 3rd or 4th. Keep a confident tone.

 

Thank you, a very good approach to it.

[NewbiePA-C]

This is my second draft, but before the "I" cutting consideration. Getting better? Worse?

 

 

My motivation towards becoming a physician assistant has developed from a long history of both professional and personal experiences throughout my life. The initial desire to learn about medicine emerged from being the child of an alcoholic parent, witnessing and experiencing the physical and emotional ramifications of the disease. This eventually transpired into pursuing psychology and health science majors as an undergrad with additional focus on drug use, addiction and family dynamics.

At the age of 19 while working towards my degree, I began working in special education as a teacher's assistant. This afforded me the opportunity to work with young children diagnosed with various physical, emotional, and learning disabilities, including autism, ADHD, and CP. For four years, I continued to work in special education and found it to be a wonderfully rewarding experience. My direction in life was defined; to work with people in need of care.

I took a particularly fond interest in psychology as an undergrad. Disease of the mind intrigued me with the profound effects it could have on a person's overall health. I still consider psychology as "my first love" with regards to healthcare. After graduation, my life took me across the country in a move from my hometown in NY to AZ to pursue a career in healthcare. I began work as a behavioral health (BH) case manager (CM). As a member of a multi-disciplinary clinical team, I managed a caseload of patients diagnosed with serious mental illness (SMI) and dual diagnosis. The work in BH was extremely challenging and interesting, however, after three years in BH, I felt inspired to reach further into the field of healthcare and explore other aspects of medicine and patient care.

In the eight years that followed, I expanded my horizons by moving out of BH and into long-term care medical case management under AHCCCS and Medicaid. As a long-term care clinical coordinator, I discovered a proclivity for medicine. From co-managing hospice and AIDS patients to setting up in-home and specialty services for newly traumatic brain injured patients, I was exposed to a full array of chronic and acute diseases and conditions. It provided me the opportunity to become intimately involved in patient care. It also exposed me to various types of healthcare professionals at all levels from a home health aide to program medical directors. Often times I would staff clinically complex cases with the medical director in order to formulate treatment (tx) plans that would optimize patients' health and functioning. I found difficult cases fascinating and challenging; it motivated me to work even harder to find viable options for quality patient care. Training I received allowed me to provide supplemental disease management education, which was incorporated into my in-home patient assessments. I reviewed medication tx plans as well and coordinated with physicians, regularly. I knew I was making a difference in people's lives when I was successful in having my non-compliant diabetics begin daily blood sugar checks, or one of my CHF patients, weigh him/herself daily and utilize the O2 and nebulizer txs, or one of my Native American tribal patients, understand the value of preventative health screenings. This gave me a tremendous amount of satisfaction, making any of the challenges of my work well worth the effort. The complex coordination aspect of my job(s), working within a clinical team environment, incited a new ambition and eagerness to find a more significant role for which I could continue to provide patient care. I sought to elevate my career to the next level as a physician assistant.

I aggressively set out on my new career path, returning to school, becoming an EMT, volunteering in an ER and shadowing a primary care PA. While shadowing, I realized just how skilled and knowledgeable PAs are. It solidified my career path. I was truly impressed with the clinical acumen, attention to detail and thoroughness in patient assessment and the level of rapport the PA displayed with her patients. I observed a high level of autonomy with the position as well as collaboration efforts with the supervising physicians for particularly complex cases. It was a familiar feel given my previous role as a CM and part of a multi-disciplinary team. Collaborative patient care coordination was common practice.

Through numerous patient interactions, PA shadowing, and my own personal experience as a patient with a chronic intestinal disease, I found my passion for patient care would be best realized by becoming a physician assistant. As a PA, I can take a central role in helping people to achieve the highest quality of life possible in the face of compromised health. I possess the understanding, compassion, and genuine desire to provide quality care to patients in the capacity of this role. Becoming a PA would fulfill my life-long endeavor in helping people live healthier lives.

[Just Steve]

Please forgive my blunt remarks in the highlighted text below. In the interest of brevity, I didn't make it super sweet. In all honesty, I think you have a rock solid chance at PA school with such a background. If your grades are there and your interview is decent, I'd be gobsmacked to learn that a school didn't pick you up. Your letter is easy to read, well written, and flows. I am not convinced that my input is really that important, but it's one more opinion from the peanut gallery. Don't get too wrapped around the axle about what my dissection...I am willing to bet your letter would suffice just how it is.

This is my second draft, but before the "I" cutting consideration. Getting better? Worse?

 

 

My motivation towards becoming a physician assistant has developed from a long history of both professional and personal experiences throughout my life. The initial desire to learn about medicine emerged from being the child of an alcoholic parent, witnessing and experiencing the physical and emotional ramifications of the disease. This eventually transpired into pursuing psychology and health science majors as an undergrad with additional focus on drug use, addiction and family dynamics.

At the age of 19 while working towards my degree, I began working in special education as a teacher's assistant. This afforded me the opportunity to work with young children diagnosed with various physical, emotional, and learning disabilities, including autism, ADHD, and CP. need to spell out ADHD, CP or is the abbreviate good enough? For four years, I continued to strike out continued to work and add "ed" to work, saves about 10 characters. work in special education and found it to be a wonderfully rewarding experience. My direction in life was defined; to work with people in need of care. italics indicate Hollywood fluff. Your character count is tight...your work/life history is head and shoulders above so many other applicants. The need to persuade the AdCom that you're into this health care thing is already evident. No need for fluff with your history.

I took a particularly fond interest in psychology as an undergrad. Disease of the mind intrigued me with the profound effects it could have on a person's overall health. I still consider psychology as "my first love" with regards to healthcare. After graduation, my life took me across the country in a move from my hometown in NY to AZ to pursue a career in healthcare. We already know you like psychology, we don't care that you got to Arizona, and it's evident further down that you are pursuing health care as a career. I appreciate your attempt at transition, but I'd re think it. I like the "I began work..." as your first sentence.I began work as a behavioral health (BH) case manager (CM). As a member of a multi-disciplinary clinical team, I managed a caseload of patients diagnosed with serious mental illness (SMI) and dual diagnosis. The work in BH was extremely challenging and interesting, however, after three years in BH, I felt inspired to reach further into the field of healthcare and explore other aspects of medicine and patient care.

In the eight years that followed, I expanded my horizons by moving out of BH and into long-term care medical case management under AHCCCS what is this?and Medicaid. As a long-term care clinical coordinator, I discovered a proclivity for medicine. From co-managing hospice and AIDS patients to setting up in-home and specialty services for newly traumatic brain injured patients, I was exposed to a full array of chronic and acute diseases and conditions. It provided me the opportunity to become intimately involved in patient care. fluff It also exposed me to various types of healthcare professionals at all levels from a home health aide to program medical directors. Often times I would staff clinically complex cases with the medical director in order to formulate treatment (tx) plans that would optimize patients' health and functioning. I found difficult cases fascinating and challenging; it motivated me to work even harder to find viable options for quality patient care. Training I received allowed me to provide supplemental disease management education, which was incorporated into my in-home patient assessments. I reviewed medication tx plans as well and coordinated with physicians, regularly. I knew I was making a difference in people's lives when I was successful in having my non-compliant diabetics begin daily blood sugar checks, or one of my CHF patients, weigh him/herself daily and utilize the O2 and nebulizer txs, or one of my Native American tribal patients, understand the value of preventative health screenings. This gave me a tremendous amount of satisfaction, making any of the challenges of my work well worth the effort. The complex coordination aspect of my job(s), working within a clinical team environment, incited a new ambition and eagerness to find a more significant role for which I could continue to provide patient care. I sought to elevate my career to the next level as a physician assistant. borderline fluff

I aggressively set out on my new career path, returning to school, becoming an EMT, volunteering in an ER and shadowing a primary care PA. While shadowing, I realized just how skilled and knowledgeable PAs are. It solidified my career path. I was truly impressed with the clinical acumen, attention to detail and thoroughness in patient assessment and the level of rapport the PA displayed with her patients. I observed a high level of autonomy with the position as well as collaboration efforts with the supervising physicians for particularly complex cases. It was a familiar feel given my previous role as a CM and part of a multi-disciplinary team. Collaborative patient care coordination was common practice.

Through numerous patient interactions, PA shadowing, and my own personal experience as a patient with a chronic intestinal disease, I found my passion for patient care would be best realized by becoming a physician assistant. As a PA, I can take a central role in helping people to achieve the highest quality of life possible in the face of compromised health. I possess the understanding, compassion, and genuine desire to provide quality care to patients in the capacity of this role. Becoming a PA would fulfill my life-long endeavor in helping people live healthier lives.

[NewbiePA-C]

Please forgive my blunt remarks in the highlighted text below. In the interest of brevity, I didn't make it super sweet. In all honesty, I think you have a rock solid chance at PA school with such a background. If your grades are there and your interview is decent, I'd be gobsmacked to learn that a school didn't pick you up. Your letter is easy to read, well written, and flows. I am not convinced that my input is really that important, but it's one more opinion from the peanut gallery. Don't get too wrapped around the axle about what my dissection...I am willing to bet your letter would suffice just how it is.

 

Just Steve, your remarks are very much appreciated and the opinons and suggestions I've received so far have been extremely helpful! So with that, my sincere thanks!

I'm going to take your comments into consideration Just Steve, more good feedback.

 

So here's yet ANOTHER vesion. I chopped some of the "I's," taking it down from 26 of them to now 11 I's. It has a little more of that passive voice in spots (which I'm not thrilled about) but I think I took it too far in that direction. Now I need to review the possible "fluff" content.

 

How's it looking? 5000 characters - bam! (Too close for comfort)

 

Thanks all, you guys ROCK!!

 

 

My motivation towards becoming a physician assistant has developed from a long history of both professional and personal experiences throughout my life. The initial desire to learn about medicine emerged from being the child of an alcoholic parent, witnessing and experiencing the physical and emotional ramifications of the disease. This eventually transpired into pursuing psychology and health science majors as an undergrad with additional focus on drug use, addiction and family dynamics.

At the age of 19 while working towards my degree, I began working in special education as a teacher's assistant. This afforded me the opportunity to work with young children diagnosed with various physical, emotional, and learning disabilities, including autism, ADHD, and CP. For four years, I continued to work in special education and found it to be a wonderfully rewarding experience. My direction in life was defined; to work with people in need of care.

Psychology was particularly interesting to me as an undergrad. Disease of the mind intrigued me with the profound effects it could have on a person's overall health. Today, psychology is still "my first love" with regards to medicine. After graduation, my life took me across the country in a move from my hometown in New York to Arizona to pursue a career in healthcare. I began work as a behavioral health (BH) case manager (CM). As a member of a multi-disciplinary team, my position entailed managing a caseload of patients diagnosed with serious mental illness (SMI) and dual diagnosis. The work was extremely challenging and interesting. However, after three years in BH, it inspired me to reach further into the field of healthcare and explore other aspects of medicine and patient care.

In the eight years that followed, my career expanded in a move from BH into long-term care medical case management under AHCCCS and Medicaid. As a long-term care clinical coordinator, I discovered a proclivity for medicine. From co-managing hospice and AIDS patients to setting up in-home and specialty services for newly traumatic brain injured patients, I was exposed to a full array of chronic and acute diseases and conditions. It provided me the opportunity to become intimately involved in patient care. It also exposed me to various types of healthcare professionals at all levels from a home health aide to a program medical director. Often times I would staff clinically complex cases with the medical director in order to formulate treatment (tx) plans that would optimize patients' health and functioning. The difficult cases fascinated and challenged me; it motivated me to work even harder to find viable options for quality patient care. My training as a CM allowed me to provide supplemental disease management education, which was incorporated into my in-home patient assessments. Reviewing medication tx plans and PCP coordination was fundamental to my position. It became evident that I was making a difference in people's lives when my non-compliant diabetics began daily blood sugar checks, or my CHF patients began weighing themselves daily and utilizing the O2 and nebulizer txs, and when my Native American tribal patients soon understood the value of preventative health screenings. This gave me a tremendous amount of satisfaction, making any of the challenges of my work well worth the effort. The complex coordination aspect of my job(s), working within a clinical team environment, incited a new ambition and eagerness to find a more significant role for which I could continue to provide patient care. The search to elevate my career to the next level brought me to physician assistant.

I aggressively set out on my new career path, returning to school, becoming an EMT, volunteering in an ER and shadowing a primary care PA. While shadowing, it became apparent just how skilled and knowledgeable PAs are. It solidified my career path. I was truly impressed with the clinical acumen, attention to detail and thoroughness in patient assessment and the level of rapport the PA displayed with her patients. A high level of autonomy in the position was observed as well as collaboration efforts with the supervising physicians in complex cases. It was a familiar feel given my previous role as a CM and part of a multi-disciplinary team. Collaborative patient care coordination was common practice.

Through numerous patient interactions, PA shadowing, and my own personal experience as a patient with a chronic intestinal disease, I found my passion for patient care would be best realized by becoming a physician assistant. My role as a PA would be more influential in helping people to achieve the highest quality of life possible in the face of compromised health. I possess the understanding, compassion, and genuine desire to provide quality care to patients in the capacity of this role. Becoming a PA would fulfill my life-long endeavor in helping people live healthier lives.

[NewbiePA-C]

Oops, I mean to say I don't think I took it too far in that direction (with regards to the passive voice).

[NewbiePA-C]

AHCCCS - Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System - it's Arizona's version of Medicaid. Perhaps I should spell that out, that's a lot of character use though. Or maybe leave it out even though it was the umbrella my role fell under.

 

I'm hoping to the folks (PAs) that are reviewing my app, that maybe I wouldn't have to spell out ADHD and CP, but point well-taken.

[2full2eat]

I felt like it took too long for me to find in your statement why you chose the PA profession and not another field of care.

[NewbiePA-C]

I felt like it took too long for me to find in your statement why you chose the PA profession and not another field of care.

 

Thanks for your feedback. I was trying to show the "motivation" part, which was mainly the different realms of healthcare I worked in that lead me to PA. Perhaps I could have been more direct about it but instead I chose to lead my readers down a path - the path that ultimately lead me the PA decision.

 

I appreciate the input, thanks again.

[NewbiePA-C]

.............