Please critique. Brutal honesty encouraged!!

[emedina88]

This is my second application. It is a rough draft. All feedback is welcome. Thank you!!

 

I waited quietly while Dr. Mercer listened to the man’s heart. She turned to me and looped her stethoscope around her neck. “The thing with congestive heart failure is the patient’s blood volume is so expanded that, as the heart tries to pump it, the muscle’s sarcomeres become so stretched that they no longer overlap. Therefore, contraction becomes very difficult. I’ll print you out an article on it”. This is what working for Dr. Mercer was like every day. We studied cases together in the office, in the hospital, and at the local coffee shop. The doctor’s zeal for medicine was surpassed only by her enthusiasm for sharing her knowledge. I soon had binders full of articles that we had studied together. My background in biological sciences ensured a deeper understanding of her lessons.

My decision on a career in medicine was anything but straightforward. In college, my childhood love of nature was distilled into a fervent study of biology. I enthusiastically devoured each my science courses and considered a variety of careers, even working in a marine lab for a period of time, but none of the options gave me a sense of fulfillment. I knew that I wanted to immerse myself in a profession that was a direct application of biology, and I had an innate need to help people, so my heart kept drifting toward patient care. I decided to begin taking human biology classes and shifted my focus toward a career in medicine.

To deepen my confidence in my decision, I began shadowing a doctor of internal medicine, Dr. Mercer. Observing a medical provider in the field solidified my choice in a career in medicine. I realized that my profound love for biology would be exercised every day as I applied it to the microbiology of infection, the biochemistry of pharmaceuticals, and the physiology of disease. The only problem was I knew I did not want to be a doctor, but I also did not want to be a nurse. When I brought this dilemma to Dr. Mercer, she introduced me to the position of a physician assistant. I immediately began researching the career and discovered that every aspect of a physician assistant, from the amount of school required to the position’s responsibilities, completely conformed to my desires in a career.

I continued to shadow Dr. Mercer as I began working on my application to physician assistant school, and she eventually hired me. Every day in the clinic was enlightening but also challenging. Dr. Mercer had only one rule: we say yes to everyone. As a result, I was part of a team that cared for people of every background, many without medical insurance. The office was a short distance from the United States-Mexico border, so I quickly learned spanish out of necessity. I fell in love with the culture of the Las Cruces area and became acutely aware of the many sufferings of this community. They had many adversities to overcome, but always had smile on their face and a joke to tell. Helping care for these people made me realize the disparity between the availability of quality medical care in populated areas versus rural areas. I had identified the demographic I wanted to serve, and my desire to become a physician assistant intensified. I decided it was time to take the next step, so I submitted my application to physician assistant school.

Although receiving my rejection letter was disheartening, I was grateful to have feedback to make me a stronger applicant. Since that time, I have begun shadowing a physician assistant. Observing him at work has filled me with an indescribable sense of excitement, and has also solidified my career decision. I also started working at a clinic that employs midlevel providers so that I can observe the occupation on a day-to-day basis. This job also allowed me the financial ability to apply to many more schools, expanding my chance of being accepted.

It is not the rare and extreme cases that keep me returning to the office week after week. It is the day-to-day encounters that make me love medicine. I love to see the same patient return time after time and become excited with them as they control their blood sugars, lose weight, or improve their overall health. I have researched all aspects of the role of the physician assistant. This position is ever-changing and is becoming more and more respected. It is a career in which I will never stop studying and learning and this is very important to me. The position's dependence on collaboration with other providers is appealing, as I thrive when working as part of a team. Being a physician assistant will give me the opportunity to apply my love of biology, physiology, and anatomy to working intimately with patients every day. When given the opportunity, I plan to use my career as a physician assistant to work in a clinic similar to Dr. Mercer’s. That way, I will be able to help the community and culture that I have learned to love. I am very sincere in my desire to become a physician assistant and I am committed to doing all that is necessary to achieve my goal.

[mackjacks]

Overall, I liked your statement and enjoyed reading it! A few changes that I would make include saying "physician assistant (PA)" the first time when Dr. Mercer introduced you to it. Then you can just say PA or PA school all of the following times, and you'll have more characters to work with, as I'm guessing you're close to 5K?

 

Other than that, have you volunteered at all? My mentors told me that a PS should show that you've done 4 things: worked, studied, volunteered, and shadowed. If your GPA isn't great, you could consider saying something like "I worked 40 hours each week for Dr. Mercer while also taking 15 credits" if you did.

 

Also, a small suggestion I'd make is in the last paragraph I would include something about how PAs can also work very autonomously in some settings, and you appreciate the collaborative aspect and also the ability to work autonomously in some settings or something like that. :) I'm not wording myself very well haha!

 

Finally, to be honest at first I didn't like your opening paragraph but after reading the rest of the PS I did! I'm interested in how other readers feel about it. I think I thought, "Oh great, another PS where the author doesn't tell you about what they actually DO/DID" but then you did!

 

Good luck!

[2full2eat]

Honestly, I did like your statement. In a way I feel connected to you in some way, so personally, I would invite you for an interview.

 

A PA student read my statement and gave me a piece of advice I thought very useful and it will be my only opinion/advice or whatever you'd like to think of it as, so here it is....

 

People reading something will tend to pay attention to the beginning of something they read, and the very end of something they read. The middle part is sort of blah, blah, blah. Your intro works (!) don't get me wrong, but if anything make it as grabby as possible, something weird, off the wall, or really makes you, YOU! Then with your final paragraph, relate it back to that off the wall characteristic of yours, and make it say I'm gonna do this, I want this through thick or thin, you can tell me no once, but you can't tell me no twice.

 

For example, lets say you're someone who rides motocross. Your favorite rider is Ricky Carmichael (sp?), you know that Ricky broke the bones in his arms, legs, and ribs growing up to become the pro he is today. Now he is a flawless rider who can't remember what the inside of a hospital looks like anymore. If you found a way to incorporate your interest of motocross into your intro, your paper becomes someone with a personality and character. Now when you relate it back to your conclusion, lets say your last sentence, it may be something like. "Like my favorite professional motocross rider Ricky Car(...) I've fallen down along my way to the top, but with a winning determination to let nothing stand in my way, I will achieve my goal of becoming a physician assistant."

 

Thats just my thought, if you agree with me or not is up to you. Your essay did do well to keep me reading BTW, and I wish you the best in your future.

[emedina88]

Thank you both very much. This is all very good feedback and I really appreciate it!

[J2012]

A couple things that really have nothing to do with the statement as a whole, but more on the technicalities/grammar of it.

 

 

You say solidified my choice and then solidified my career decision. I would try to avoid using the same word twice.

 

You talk about the rejection letter, but I felt it would have been better to have more of a lead in. Like "I received a rejected letter, and although that was disheartening..." instead of starting the sentence with "Although the rejection..."

 

This sentence doesn't need a comma (as written)

"Observing him at work has filled me with an indescribable sense of excitement, and has also solidified my career decision. "

 

You only would use a comma is you're connecting two complete sentences. "has also solidified..." isn't a complete sentence, so either remove the comma, or make it a complete sentence, or separate the two sentences with a period.

 

 

"The only problem was I knew I did not want to be a doctor, but I also did not want to be a nurse."

This sentence seems a bit awkward. Why? Maybe expand this idea a bit more. Why not nursing and why not doctoring (and allow this to play into the role of a PA).

 

“The thing with congestive heart failure is the patient’s blood volume is so expanded that, as the heart tries to pump it, the muscle’s sarcomeres become so stretched that they no longer overlap. Therefore, contraction becomes very difficult. I’ll print you out an article on it”.

 

Period should go inside the quotes.

 

That's why a noticed off the bat, but it's hard to do edits from a post xD I hope that helps. Good luck!

[emedina88]

This is really helpful! Thank you very much. I will definitely make these changes, and I will pay better attention to my commas! ;)