Personal Statement Critic

[Jisaac6]

Hi,

 

My second time applying. Revamped my statement. Would love some feedback:

 

 

One stop-light, a 7-eleven gas station, and an abundance of peace and quiet, is just about all you can find in the countryside of Fayetteville, North Carolina. Although tranquil, living in the countryside can have its disadvantages, especially in regards to healthcare. Most families in my community must commute up to an hour to reach a clinic or hospital, and for those without a vehicle, public transportation is unavailable. Unfortunately, this leads many individuals to neglect visits with their primary care providers (PCP), who facilitate routine preventative care, leading many families to only seek care when serious health issues arise. With diseases like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease on the rise, it is imperative that PCPs and preventative care are readily available in all communities, no matter how rural.

Witnessing this disparity in my community not only ignited my passion for healthcare, but also inspired me to create, in 2012, Reaching the Rural (RTR)- Health Education in Rural NC. The mission of RTR is to raise awareness about the limited access to PCPs available to families in rural areas of North Carolina, by educating communities on the importance of seeking preventative care and how to manages one's health through diet and exercise. Through collaborations with the YMCA, local physicians, and the city council, RTR has been able to sponsor free health education seminars, fitness classes, and health screenings, in efforts to improve the health and wellness of our community. In 2013, I relocated to Charlotte, NC and became involved in the Miss America Organization (MAO), which allowed me to advocate my project at a higher caliber as a public figure, Miss Mount Holly 2014. With the support of MAO and the city of Mount Holly, I was able to implement RTR and serve many communities throughout eastern NC.

As RTR continued to flourish, so did my interest in the field of healthcare. I began volunteering at Bethesda Centro de Salud, a free clinic designed to serve the heavy Latino population in Charlotte, NC. There I served by assisting providers with health education programs. Volunteering at Bethesda exposed me to another healthcare disparity. One of the primary questions on the patient information form was “Is there any specific reason you have not been maintaining routine visits with a PCP?” The answer was always the same, and it resonated with me. “No English.” I had never considered how many individuals put off visiting a PCP due to language barriers. As a diverse and multicultural country, it is necessary for healthcare providers to be knowledgeable of other languages and cultural norms in order to serve a diverse patient population effectively and respectfully. It was there I realized the power of language in healthcare, especially Spanish, and decided to pursue fluency in Spanish language through studying abroad in Spain in 2016. Soon after, I was able utilize my language skills to provide health resources, via RTR, to various Hispanic/Latino communities.

In 2017, I decided to put RTR on the back burner and spend time gaining knowledge and experience in not only medicine, but also life. I began working at Highland OB-GYN as a medical assistant to a NP. It was there I witnessed the effectiveness of preventative care in disease prevention, and it was there my decision to pursue a career in medicine was solidified. During my time at Highland, there were numerous patient cases where routine pap smears had been able to detect early stages of cervical cancer. Through RTR I had always been able to advocate seeking preventative care, but never had had the opportunity to witness it at work. I was fascinated that it could truly save lives, and became even more determined to become a primary care PA. In September 2018, the MD of Highland OB-GYN retired. Through my work and volunteer experience I felt confident in my knowledge in medicine and healthcare, but I still felt that I lacked in maturity and life experience; I knew I was not yet ready to pursue my career in medicine; I wanted to challenge myself and step outside my comfort zone. I took a leap of faith and moved to Suwon, South Korea to teach English. Since arriving in Korea, I have grown immensely not only as a young woman, but also as a future professional. Adaptability, tolerance, patience, and the ability to teach and deliver information effectively are only a few of the skills I have acquired as a ESL teacher. I am certain that I will be able to utilize these skills throughout my career as a PA.

These experiences and many others are what led me to the career choice of being a Physician Assistant. Like many PA prospects, I have volunteered, shadowed, and made high marks, but what sets me apart from the rest is my dedication to serving the community and my passion for primary care. As a PA with a purpose, I will strive to ignite change, provide aid, and continue to educate my community, on how to live happy and healthy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jmarvil]

I think your statement does a really good job of highlighting your extensive and varied exposure to healthcare! However, I don't think you mention the PA profession and your desire to become one directly until midway through the fourth paragraph. I can see ways you can incorporate it into your first paragraph

58 minutes ago, Jisaac6 said:

With diseases like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease on the rise, it is imperative that PCPs and preventative care are readily available in all communities, no matter how rural.

Try replacing this with something like "seeing the rise of diseases like diabetes, cancer and heart disease in my community lead me to discovering the physician assistant profession and see the valuable role it can play in linking rural populations to a PCP."

While bilingualism is certainly a valuable asset in your toolkit as a healthcare provider, I am not certain it should consume an entire paragraph of your statement. You can say that you also were motivated to learn Spanish in order to form better connections with your patients at the clinic and took on a study abroad opportunity to achieve fluency. Use the extra space this frees up to tell more about why you want to be a PA. Your essay shows that you are motivated, driven and altruistic- what made you direct this drive towards PA school over other professions? Talk about direct contact you had with a PA, either at the clinic you volunteered in or through RTR or another organization.

In your fourth paragraph, I would avoid saying "I put RTR on the back-burner" unless you want to dedicate more characters than what is reasonable to explaining how you built sustainability into the organization. I would just cut that and say that in 2017 you decided to broaden your experiences and exposure to healthcare and then move into talking about being an MA and why it made you want to be a PA.

One or two nitpicky language things: 

In paragraph 3 change "heavy Latino population" to "sizeable" or "substantial."

58 minutes ago, Jisaac6 said:

Through my work and volunteer experience I felt confident in my knowledge in medicine and healthcare, but I still felt that I lacked in maturity and life experience; I knew I was not yet ready to pursue my career in medicine; I wanted to challenge myself and step outside my comfort zone.

Break this up into two sentences. Don't have two semicolon breaks.

And don't capitalize "physician assistant" in your last paragraph.

I think you have potential to turn this into a really great personal statement! Just make sure all of your experiences tie back to why you want to be a PA.

 

 

Edited May 27, 2019 by jmarvil

[Janie55]

I agree with jmarvil. You could turn this into a great PS. You need to write more about what brought you to the PA profession. The PS should answer: why PA and why you. You have a lot of great experiences to answer the why you. There are several other small grammatical errors that jmarvil didn’t mention.

[Selah]

It will read better if you, say "create Reaching the Rural (RTR)- Health Education in Rural NC in 2012." I agree with what the others have said. It has the components to be an amazing statement, but it just needs a little tweaking. You have to consider your audience. There will be AdComms with years of experience and knowledge about the healthcare disparities so try not to make statements like, "With diseases like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease on the rise, it is imperative that PCPs and preventative care are readily available in all communities, no matter how rural." or "As a diverse and multicultural country, it is necessary for healthcare providers to be knowledgeable of other languages and cultural norms in order to serve a diverse patient population effectively and respectfully." I think it would be a better use of space to say it in a way that doesn't sound like you are trying to teach the teachers. Just find a way to say that you recognized the problem and decided to do something to help with it. All of the space that you use to detail your nonprofit could be used to show your personality more. Although it is all great things it can read like a press release for your organization or that you or reciting your resume when you go into so much detail. 

[Selah]

One more thing. Your conclusion should be the strongest part of your essay and it should reinforce what you already expressed not add new information. Don't say like many other PA prospects. Just convince them why you are the right one. I don't think that saying that you are different because you want to be a PCP is a strong enough reason to put in your conclusion. Lots of pre-PAs say that. (I know that I did.) Talk about what really makes you unique. Your commitment to cultural competency or your nonprofit experience. Something truly unique to you.

If you can't find a better way to highlight your shadowing in another paragraph then try making a statement saying that shadowing confirmed that you want to be a PA. 

I wish you the best