Personal Statement Review/Help Please!!!

[ssierra12]

Hey there! I am in the process of submitting my applications, but I am having a lot of trouble with my personal statement. I have copied and pasted my first draft below. Any tips, advice or feedback on what I should change to make it as strong as possible would be much appreciated. Thank you so much!!!!! 

 

As I ran down the sideline dribbling the ball my heart was racing. I was intimidated, but determined as I was competing for a spot on my high school varsity soccer team. As I wound up to cross the ball, my legs suddenly gave out from underneath me and I crumbled to the ground. I heard and felt a loud pop and I knew it was all over. Upon visiting the orthopedic surgeon for the first time, it was confirmed, my ACL and meniscus were torn and I had sustained two fractured bones in my knee. After hearing this information, I was very upset and distraught by the fact that I may never be able to play a sport that have been playing since I was four years old.

A few weeks later it was finally surgery day. I felt overwhelmed by the number of questions I had. However, Dr. Maloney and his PA, Meghan, patiently answered every question that I could think to ask with the biggest one being “will I be able to play again?” Confidently, they both re-assured me that “yes, it will take some time, but you will be able to play again”. I was determined to get back on the field and to not let this injury take a sport that I love away from me. Soon, what they called “the block team” arrived to put the nerve block into my knee with an ultrasound unit to guide the placement of it. They asked if I wanted to be sedated while they inserted it to which I replied, “can I watch?” This procedure absorbed my thoughts and I completely forgot that it was my leg that they were working on.

The hours and days after surgery were tough. I had several questions and concerns. During this time, Meghan played a pivotal role in my recovery. She was highly accessible and encouraged me to call with any concerns. I could communicate with her daily through an online portal to ask questions that, quite frankly I did not want to bother Dr. Maloney with. She shared her own experiences regarding sports injuries with me. She soon became someone that I not only trusted, but built a relationship with as she was the person that I saw for my follow-up appointments. I admired what Meghan did and how she continuously reassured me that with a lot of hard work, patience, and determination I would be able to lace up my cleats, step onto a soccer filled, and be filled with the same determination and enjoyment that I felt before my injury. I found myself to be continuously interested in not only the field of medicine, but more specifically, in the role as a PA.

To validate my interest in the field of medicine, I pursued a position at the Rochester Ambulatory Surgery Center as an operating room aide, where I am able observe the tasks of surgeons, PAs, and teams of medical professionals in the operating rooms. I assist these medical professionals by obtaining instruments and equipment needed throughout the surgeries. I also am part of a team that serves to provide patients with the best care by sterilizing all instruments before and after surgeries.

One of the aspects I have continuously found remarkable is the way the teams interact in the operating room. Their conversations are succinct, technical, and it all sounded very foreign to me. After a surgery is complete, the surgeon moves onto the next case while the PA would head to post-op to talk with the patient and his/her family. Having just observed the surgery and transported the patient to post-op, it was fascinating to me to hear the PA translate that foreign sounding conversation from the operating room into language that the patient and his/her family could understand. Soon, that foreign language became one that I could understand. I admire the way the PAs are able to interact in the operating room versus how they interact with the patient and it is truly a skill that I strive to attain in the future as a PA.

After a long road and taking Meghan’s advice, I played soccer throughout high school and was recruited to play in college until I tore my ACL for the second time. I found myself back in Dr. Maloney’s office and talking to Meghan once again. Meghan told me it was going to be tight to be game ready by the next August, but one again she encouraged me and reassured me that I could do it if I was again hard working and patient. I was determined to make it back for my last year of competitive play, but this time was different. I knew the process and I knew what to expect, but the only question I had for Meghan this time was “am I able to shadow you?” 

To further my experiences in the field of medicine, I became a volunteer at a hospice care home where I assist residents with bathing, grooming, and toileting. I act as a support system for grieving family members and for the residents as well. Though providing this type of care is difficult, especially after having lost my father years ago, it gives me pleasure to help residents to pass in peace and with dignity.

After playing soccer for all of these years and going through two major knee injuries, which have opened my eyes to the career path as a PA, I am ready to trade my jersey in for scrubs. I give Meghan much of the credit for pushing me to wanting to obtain a career as a PA. I strive to assist and provide patients with the level of care that Meghan cared for me. Just as I found myself determined to step onto the field not once, but twice, I am determined to become a part of another very important team.

[UGoLong]

Not bad ar all. Lots of people are motivated by a PA who cared for them.

You misspelled “field.”


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[ssierra12]

4 minutes ago, UGoLong said:

Not bad ar all. Lots of people are motivated by a PA who cared for them.

You misspelled “field.”


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Awesome. Thank you!

[thinkertdm]

14 hours ago, ssierra12 said:

Hey there! I am in the process of submitting my applications, but I am having a lot of trouble with my personal statement. I have copied and pasted my first draft below. Any tips, advice or feedback on what I should change to make it as strong as possible would be much appreciated. Thank you so much!!!!! 

 

As I ran down the sideline dribbling the ball my heart was racing. I was intimidated, but determined as I was competing for a spot on my high school varsity soccer team. As I wound up to cross the ball, my legs suddenly gave out from underneath me and I crumbled to the ground. I heard and felt a loud pop and I knew it was all over. Upon visiting the orthopedic surgeon for the first time, it was confirmed, my ACL and meniscus were torn and I had sustained two fractured bones in my knee. After hearing this information, I was very upset and distraught by the fact that I may never be able to play a sport that have been playing since I was four years old.

A few weeks later it was finally surgery day. I felt overwhelmed by the number of questions I had. However, Dr. Maloney and his PA, Meghan, patiently answered every question that I could think to ask with the biggest one being “will I be able to play again?” Confidently, they both re-assured me that “yes, it will take some time, but you will be able to play again”. I was determined to get back on the field and to not let this injury take a sport that I love away from me. Soon, what they called “the block team” arrived to put the nerve block into my knee with an ultrasound unit to guide the placement of it. They asked if I wanted to be sedated while they inserted it to which I replied, “can I watch?” This procedure absorbed my thoughts and I completely forgot that it was my leg that they were working on.  <--- This last sentence is a little erroneous, specify how the pa acted during, what she did

The hours and days after surgery were tough. I had several questions and concerns. During this time, Meghan played a pivotal role in my recovery. She was highly accessible and encouraged me to call with any concerns. I could communicate with her daily through an online portal to ask questions that, quite frankly I did not want to bother Dr. Maloney with.<--- you didnt want to bother the surgeon?  He was too important?  I'd rework this, although I like the aspect that you found the PA accessible and knowledgeable.

 

She shared her own experiences regarding sports injuries with me. She soon became someone that I not only trusted, but built a relationship with as she was the person that I saw for my follow-up appointments. I admired what Meghan did and how she continuously reassured me that with a lot of hard work, patience, and determination I would be able to lace up my cleats, step onto a soccer filled, and be filled with the same determination and enjoyment that I felt before my injury. I found myself to be continuously interested in not only the field of medicine, but more specifically, in the role as a PA.

To validate my interest in the field of medicine, I pursued a position at the Rochester Ambulatory Surgery Center as an operating room aide, where I am able observe the tasks of surgeons, PAs, and teams of medical professionals in the operating rooms. I assist these medical professionals by obtaining instruments and equipment needed throughout the surgeries. I also am part of a team that serves to provide patients with the best care by sterilizing all instruments before and after surgeries.

One of the aspects I have continuously found remarkable is the way the teams interact in the operating room. Their conversations are succinct, technical, and it all sounded very foreign to me. After a surgery is complete, the surgeon moves onto the next case while the PA would head to post-op to talk with the patient and his/her family. Having just observed the surgery and transported the patient to post-op, it was fascinating to me to hear the PA translate that foreign sounding conversation from the operating room into language that the patient and his/her family could understand. Soon, that foreign language became one that I could understand.<---- take out

 

I admire the way the PAs are able to interact in the operating room versus how they interact with the patient and it is truly a skill that I strive to attain in the future as a PA.  It's one of many skills PA's have.  I wouldn't make it number one on your list.

After a long road and taking Meghan’s advice, I played soccer throughout high school and was recruited to play in college until I tore my ACL for the second time. I found myself back in Dr. Maloney’s office and talking to Meghan once again. Meghan told me it was going to be tight to be game ready by the next August, but one again she encouraged me and reassured me that I could do it if I was again hard working and patient. I was determined to make it back for my last year of competitive play, but this time was different. I knew the process and I knew what to expect, but the only question I had for Meghan this time was “am I able to shadow you?” 

To further my experiences in the field of medicine, I became a volunteer at a hospice care home where I assist residents with bathing, grooming, and toileting. I act as a support system for grieving family members and for the residents as well. Though providing this type of care is difficult, especially after having lost my father years ago, it gives me pleasure to help residents to pass in peace and with dignity.

After playing soccer for all of these years and going through two major knee injuries, which have opened my eyes to the career path as a PA, I am ready to trade my jersey in for scrubs. I give Meghan much of the credit for pushing me to wanting to obtain a career as a PA. I strive to assist and provide patients with the level of care that Meghan cared for me. Just as I found myself determined to step onto the field not once, but twice, I am determined to become a part of another very important team.

So...why do you want to be a PA? I'm going to read two hundred of these before lunch, don't make me work for it.  Lead with it: my experience with a PA who helped me with two devastating knee injuries changed the course of my life.  I now want to pay it forward, and I feel that I have the skills, ena empathy to do it as a PA.  Here's how it happened.