2nd Draft here- not perfect, but getting better- any opinions are welcome

[rlp14]

The first patient I ever treated was a heavyhearted man in the advanced stages of Multiple Sclerosis. As a neurological physical therapy technician I worked with him at great length, diligently providing warm care, therapeutic treatment, and emotional support during every session. While the weeks passed I watched his physical conditioning and exercise tolerance progress ever so slightly as we overcame challenges. As we bonded and fought onward over several months, his inspirational efforts finally culminated in a higher quality of life and a new level of independence. He improved to the point where he could perform hour-long sessions of resistance training, and his spirit was revitalized. Over those months I tried to educate him as much as I could about health, but he ultimately instilled in me something far more significant, the reward of seeing a distinct improvement in the life of a patient and friend. It was at this very point I became certain that I would never leave healthcare.

Since then, I have served as a provider for many types of patients, from middle aged to elderly, and from athletic patients to those with immobilizing conditions. I have also collaborated with physicians, nurses, physical therapists, and other clinicians to treat them. Through these diverse experiences I have discovered in myself a firm commitment to patients and an ability to develop close relationships with them. Furthermore, my experience with routinely handling several patients at a time has taught me the skills to effectively communicate within an interdisciplinary team of clinicians and relay information between them and patients. Moreover, I now know that I can satisfy the demands of a fast paced environment.

While there has been significant contrast in my clinical experiences, one element has remained constant. I have always yearned to do more for my patients, to have the knowledge and skills to attend to many of their medical needs. Thus far, while I have been able to provide therapeutic exercise and nutritional interventions as well as respiratory treatments and diagnostic tests with moderate autonomy, I lack the training to perform medical or surgical modalities. Hence, I desire to significantly increase my scope of practice, acquire new skills, and amplify my potential to provide a higher level of care to patients and their families. Though I have demonstrated leadership in the classroom through my academic proficiency, as well as in the community through my counseling of underprivileged youths, I seek to be a leader in clinical settings as well. I know that for myself there is no better role to accomplish these goals than as a PA.

In my heart I know that I truly burn to be a PA because I fully understand the immense challenges and responsibilities of the training as well as the profession itself and I wholeheartedly look forward to them. I am fully aware that I may work more than seventy hours per week during a surgical rotation, that I may not emerge from a hospital to see daylight for days at a time, and that I must master prodigious amounts of medical knowledge in a relatively brief time period. I also understand that for the duration of my career I will be entrusted with the lives of many patients and that I will face times of urgency and tragedy. Nevertheless, there is simply nothing else I would rather devote my life to. Moreover, through my successful patient treatments, academic studies, and extracurricular activities, I have proven to myself and others that I am prepared to effectively handle these challenges.

After recognizing my shortcomings from my previous attempt at being accepted to PA programs, I have used my time from that point to significantly increase the diversity and quantity of my healthcare experience. I expanded into cardiac rehabilitation, pulmonary rehabilitation, and consulting in the development of medical devices for specific patient needs. I have also demonstrated my passion for medicine itself through my research of muscle tissue regenerative pharmaceuticals at the Novartis Institutes for Biomedical Research. My involvement with underprivileged youths has renewed my commitment to the community, and bolstered my desire to help others. Furthermore, I have remained diligent in my studies, and continued to exhibit my leadership in the classroom as well as my potential to proficiently complete graduate level courses. Most importantly, my passion and motivation for this profession have made a quantum leap.

The sole reason I am writing this is because in the face of rejection and adversity I did not quit, I did not waiver, and I continued to follow my heart toward this calling. However, I know that becoming a PA is only the beginning of my journey. I aspire to be a leader as a respected clinician as well as an educator, and make a difference in the training of future PA’s. Nevertheless, it is not possible to predict exactly what the future holds, and so I will always look for new ways to advance the profession and serve the community. It is truly my dream to travel this road as far as I can, and I know it is going to be a life-long voyage.

[mktalon]

EXCELLENT first paragraph! (check for small grammar mistakes though) Can't read the rest just yet, but so far this is MUCH better.

[rlp14]

thanks for the compliment, i agree that the new intro is a lot better. I was considering deleting the 4th paragraph and adding a paragraph at the beginning telling of how i first developed an interest in healthcare and what led me to it. Any thoughts?

[Corpsman2PA]

Agreed. Great job. You kept my interest the whole time and it was a smooth effortless reading. Read it out loud to yourself and anything that you get stuck on is probably a tense/grammar/structure inconsistency, which there are a few. But overall much much better. Also be aware of saying "them" a lot at the end of some sentences. If you do it too much, we kind of lose who the "them" is.

 

I like how you talked about the responsibilities of a PA without talking about the responsibilities of a PA. You also did a good job of incorporating all of your medical experience, academics and volunteer work into the writing and how that translates into required skills.

 

As far as deleting the 4th paragraph and adding another..eh...you could try it and see if you like it, but I think you've got something good going here. There's always room for improvement, and you seem to welcome the advice of others which is the mark of somebody who "gets" it.

[rlp14]

bump for any additional opinions

[rlp14]

bump for any additional opinions

[wisemakl]

"In my heart I know that I truly burn to be a PA because I fully understand the immense challenges and responsibilities of the training as well as the profession itself and I wholeheartedly look forward to them. I am fully aware that I may work more than seventy hours per week during a surgical rotation, that I may not emerge from a hospital to see daylight for days at a time, and that I must master prodigious amounts of medical knowledge in a relatively brief time period"

 

Three things on this part... For some reason I don't like "burn to be a PA" (sounds weird to me). Also the first sentence seems to border on a run-on. Maybe change it a little. And finally you used "Fully" twice in a row.. switch the wording in one sentence.

[wisemakl]

"In my heart I know that I truly burn to be a PA because I fully understand the immense challenges and responsibilities of the training as well as the profession itself and I wholeheartedly look forward to them. I am fully aware that I may work more than seventy hours per week during a surgical rotation, that I may not emerge from a hospital to see daylight for days at a time, and that I must master prodigious amounts of medical knowledge in a relatively brief time period"

 

Three things on this part... For some reason I don't like "burn to be a PA" (sounds weird to me). Also the first sentence seems to border on a run-on. Maybe change it a little. And finally you used "Fully" twice in a row.. switch the wording in one sentence.

[rlp14]

^Thanks for your input, I did not catch those things and I have already incorporated some changes.

[rlp14]

^Thanks for your input, I did not catch those things and I have already incorporated some changes.