Can some critique my essay?

[PAGirl689]

Ok I have been reading other personal statements, and honestly I do not have the best life experiences like others did. However, I did my best and put my honesty in. Hope it is ok enough for an interview. Critiques and comments are welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

The sounds of sirens and sight of occupied stretchers rushing into the emergency room is definitely a terrifying thought, but for me, it was something to be concerned about. What is the situation? What are some things that can be done to help the person? Or is there anything that can be done? Dialysis and watching blood being pumped out of someone may be tough to watch, but it is something I cannot take my eyes off. What are the benefits when undergoing this treatment? It were thoughts like these that ran through my mind while volunteering at my local hospital during high school. I was very observant and was always focused on what was happening around the environment I was in. I always wondered what the outcome of the scenario would be. Would it be good or bad? However, I realized that whatever was happening around me had a main focus. That focus was to give the right quality of care to the community in every way possible. I always had wanted to have that focus, and therefore decided to pursue a career in medicine.

 

 

 

In June 2010, I enrolled in a CNA program for three weeks. After one week of classroom training, my class have started our clinicals at a local nursing home. It was a stressful challenge, but a good preparation for those going into medicine. The round the clock demands of the residents, and the emotions that filled the nursing home had made us all aware the type of work and issues medical professionals deal with everyday. Time management was critical at the nursing home, as the class was only given a specific amount of time in finishing the care of the patient. I also learned that building good relationships is vital as it creates teamwork and good communication to ensure the safety and well being of the patient. For example, few residents I cared for were very demanding and hard to calm down. It was a stressful thing to deal with as it was difficult to figure out why the resident was behaving like that. However, I could not go and just give up. I knew that there is a solution to the issue and had to think critically what might be the problem. Was there some sort of mental illness or was there something traumatic that happened to the resident in the past to cause this behavior? The only way to find an answer was to talk with my supervisor Kelly and the nurses who knew more than I did. I would often discuss the problems we were having, and were given solutions in how to handle it. In the end, the issue solved when we were able to calm the resident down and satisfy them. CNA clinicals were extremely tough to handle, but I loved it nonetheless as it had prepared me well in what I would be facing later on.

 

 

 

After completing my CNA training and obtaining my license, I was given an offer to work as a volunteer medical assistant at the office of my former pediatrician, Dr.Satchi. Since the office was extremely busy that time, the staff was in desperate need for assistance from a volunteer with a license from a medical training program. Since I had my CNA certificate, I accepted the offer and agreed to work full time with no pay. It never bothered me when it came to getting paid as my main focus was getting exposure to the medical environment, not money. For the first few days, I was trained in the skills that were required for my role (i.e taking hemoglobin tests). While in training, I was introduced to Dr. David Barth, a physician assistant, and was given the opportunity to shadow him. Watching Dr. Barth diagnose and interact with his patients had given me an interest in the career he had. For some reason, he was not just caring for his patients, but was also going beyond a deeper level of understanding and was eager to learn more and educate his patients through communication and bonding. He was pretty much performing the duties to that of a regular doctor, though he was an assistant. I later inquired about the differences between a PA and doctor with Dr. Barth, and was very interested from what I heard. PA’s, unlike an actual physician, can switch specialties, thus being able to expand their knowledge through exposure of different medical fields. There are so many different fields of medicine that I am personally fascinated and would love the opportunity to experience them, rather than specializing in only one field. I also was made aware that the profession is very challenging itself, but still, I am determined to show my competence and bring out my true potential by demonstrating the skills I have gained from my CNA clinicals and what I was going to demonstrate at Dr. Satchi’s office. And throughout my time as a medical assistant, I have been using my skills to show my potential and worth so that when I become a PA, I can contribute to society, lending my trust to others, educating them, and creating a long lasting relationship.

[Corpsman2PA]

Ok I have been reading other personal statements, and honestly I do not have the best life experiences like others did. However, I did my best and put my honesty in. Hope it is ok enough for an interview. Critiques and comments are welcome.

 

 

He was pretty much performing the duties to that of a regular doctor, though he was an assistant.

 

I'm sure others will chime in, but upon my initial read, this kinda popped out as a red flag. This sorta sounds like he's assisting the doctor, like a medical assistant. Do your best to keep those red flags on the ground, tucked outta sight.

[mktalon]

I appreciate the fact that you took the time to completely revamp your ps from your last posting. However this is still lacking. My first recommendation is to use the assistance of a writing center at a local community college. They can really help with grammatical issues. Secondly, I would really encourage you to do more research into the profession. You can write a better ps than this, and you must if you want to be considered for a spot. PM me if you would like a little more help.

[alleycat]

 

 

The sounds (you have a plural verb, lose the "s". it reads better with using singular verb "sight")of sirens and sight of occupied stretchers rushing into the emergency room is definitely a terrifying thought, but for me, it was something to be concerned about. What is the situation? What are some things that can be done to help the person? Or is there anything that can be done? Dialysis and watching blood being pumped out of someone may be tough to watch, but it is something I cannot take my eyes off. What are the benefits when undergoing this treatment? It were thoughts like these that ran through my mind while volunteering at my local hospital during high school. I was very observant and was always focused on what was happening around the environment I was in. I always wondered what the outcome of the scenario would be. Would it be good or bad? However, I realized that whatever was happening around me had a main focus. That focus was to give the right quality of care to the community (community makes me think of the neighborhood, town,etc. I'd use "patients", who afterall, are what you describe above in the ER) in every way possible. I always had wanted to have that focus, and therefore decided to pursue a career in medicine.

 

 

 

In June 2010, I enrolled in a CNA program for three weeks. After one week of classroom training, my class have ( stick with the same verb tense you started with, present tense. lose the "have") started our clinicals at a local nursing home. It was a stressful challenge, but a good preparation for those going into medicine. The round the clock demands of the residents, and the emotions that filled the nursing home had made us all aware the type of work and issues medical professionals deal with everyday. Time management was critical at the nursing home, as the class was only given a specific amount of time in finishing the care of the patient. I also learned that building good relationships is vital as it creates teamwork and good communication to ensure the safety and well being of the patient. For example, few residents (don't you mean "...a few reseidents..." ? "I cared for were very demanding and hard to calm down. It was a stressful thing to deal with as it was difficult to figure out why the resident was behaving like that. However, I could not go and just give up. I knew that there is a solution to the issue and had to think critically what might be the problem. Was there some sort of mental illness or was there something traumatic that happened to the resident in the past to cause this behavior? The only way to find an answer was to talk with my supervisor Kelly and the nurses who knew more than I did. ( you would come off sounding more like knowing what you had to do to help a patient if you only gave credit to the nurses as "...knowing the patients behaviors better than I) . I would often discuss the problems we were having, and were given solutions ( I'd consider instead "... and solutions were suggested") in how to handle it. In the end, the issue solved when we were able to calm the resident down and satisfy them. CNA clinicals were extremely tough to handle, but I loved it nonetheless as it had prepared me well in what I would be facing later on.

 

After completing my CNA training and obtaining my license, I was given an offer to work as a volunteer medical assistant at the office of my former pediatrician, Dr.Satchi. Since the office was extremely busy that time, the staff was in desperate need for assistance from a volunteer with a license from a medical training program. Since I had my CNA certificate, I accepted the offer and agreed to work full time with no pay. It never bothered me when it came to getting paid as my main focus was getting exposure to the medical environment, not money. For the first few days, I was trained in the skills that were required for my role (i.e taking hemoglobin tests). While in training, I was introduced to Dr. David Barth, a physician assistant, (this can not possible be correct. either david is a "Dr." , a physician...or he is a physician assistant "PAC". it does not matter what "the other folks" call him, a physician assistant CAN NOT use the title DOCTOR even if he does have an advanced degree confering on him the adademic degree of Doctor of Whatever) and was given the opportunity to shadow him. Watching Dr. Barth *** diagnose and interact with his patients had given me an interest in the career he had. For some reason, he was not just caring for his patients, but was also going beyond a deeper level of understanding and was eager to learn more and educate his patients through communication and bonding. He was pretty much performing the duties to that of a regular doctor, though he was an assistant. I later inquired about the differences between a PA and doctor with

Dr. Barth****, and was very interested from what I heard. PA’s, unlike an actual physician, (a physician is a physician, I'd lose the actual) can switch specialties, thus being able to expand their knowledge through exposure of different medical fields. There are so many different fields of medicine that I am personally fascinated and would love the opportunity to experience them, rather than specializing in only one field. I also was made aware that the profession is very challenging itself, but still, I am determined to show my competence and bring out my true potential by demonstrating the skills I have gained from my CNA clinicals and what I was going to demonstrate at Dr. Satchi’s office. And throughout my time as a medical assistant, I have been using my skills to show my potential and worth so that when I become a PA, I can contribute to society, lending my trust (you may lend many things, but trust is given or withheld. to lend trust states that at some point you expect to have it given back to you) to others, educating them, and creating a long lasting relationship.

 

 

; how long did you work as CNA, also as ER vol??? might add that.

alleycat

[PAGirl689]

Thanks everyone will the feedback. Yes I know the grammer is off, I was just hoping for reviews on the content. But thanks for all the feedback and I will revise it once again.

[Just Steve]

Thanks everyone will the feedback. Yes I know the grammer is off, I was just hoping for reviews on the content. But thanks for all the feedback and I will revise it once again.

 

You are not the first, I am sure you won't be the last person to apologize for submitting an incomplete essay for review. I find this practice to be rather confusing. A carpenter does not point to a pile of lumber and ask "how do you like my house? I know it's not done yet, but can you give me an opinion?"

 

My best guess is that you, like many others, are using the website much like a classroom where you are accustomed to handing in a first draft, having a professor review and hand it back with suggestions of how to improve it. In my opinion, I don't feel that is a fair practice here. If you know the product is substandard, why not try your best to polish it the best you can? That way the reviewers' time is not wasted correcting mistakes you had already planned to correct later.

 

Good luck in your re write and submission.

[IdahoPA]

If you know the product is substandard, why not try your best to polish it the best you can? .

 

Because we keep reviewing them... The vast majority of these PSs shouldn't have been posted as they don't makes sense/have huge grammatical errors/don't meet the objective of discussing the author's motivation for pursuing a career in the PA profession. That's why I really don't proofread anymore. I'd do it for a relative or a friend, but not for someone who just posts incomplete work and expects me to make it sparkle. No gracias!

 

Also, I apologize sincerely if that comes across as a rant against you. That was not at all my intention. I just wish people would take a bit more responsibility and ambition, especially in something as important as their (medical!) careers.

 

To the OP, don't worry about other peoples' experiences. Concentrate on your story. I'd like to offer some helpful critiques since I sort of went off on a tangent up there. (Hypocritical, maybe, but manners dictate I probably should.)

 

I like your first paragraph. A bit question heavy, but a good lead-in for your next paragraph.

 

In your second paragraph, you sound very dissociated from the CNA group; it's almost like you're writing in third person. (ex: saying "the class" instead of "we.") Don't be afraid to tell us what YOU think and did, rather than the group as a whole. Don't use "thing" ("it was a stressful thing to deal with;" find another word like "situation."

 

Your third paragraph makes me cringe a bit. Though you've clearly observed a PA in a clinical setting, it comes off like you really don't know what he did or the training he had previously received. Additionally there are good PAs and PAs who don't really care about people, just as there are for doctors or any other profession. It's great that you observed a man who was performing his job well, but there should be a better reason to starting a PA career than that. Plus as amazing as he is, I'd rather hear about you. Perhaps you don't have to discuss pay for three sentences. "Volunteer" implies you don't get paid; you can leave it at that. Sentences 2 and 3 should be deleted entirely: you want people to think you were asked to volunteer because of your skill set, not because they were desperate.

 

Good luck!

[PAGirl689]

Ok so I did my essay all over again, this time I think I got it down right by including my volunteer experience where I did get to observe a PA and has everything the committee is looking for. Just one last time, can anyone crtique or add in a few more suggestions to make it perfect. I feel confident this is a slammer.

 

 

The sounds of sirens and sight of occupied stretchers rushing into the emergency room is definitely a terrifying thought, but for me, it was something to be concerned about. What is the situation? What are some things that can be done to help the person? Or is there anything that can be done? Dialysis and watching blood being pumped out of someone may be tough to watch, but it is something I cannot take my eyes off. What are the benefits when undergoing this treatment? It were thoughts like these that ran through my mind while volunteering at my local hospital during high school. I was very observant and was always focused on what was happening around the environment I was in. I always wondered what the outcome of the scenario would be. Would it be good or bad? However, I realized that whatever was happening around me had a main focus. That focus was to give the right quality of care to the community in every way possible. I always had wanted to have that focus, and therefore decided to pursue a career in medicine.

 

Wanting to help people, I found myself volunteering at a local hospital as soon as I was old enough. I watched and assisted Physician Assistants as they took care of patients from inquiring about medical histories to diagnosing and treating conditions. The P.A. profession has grown substantially over recent years and there is a great demand for these practitioners to step up and become qualified leaders. One has to work as part of a team to find the best solutions and provide the best care. Watching P.A.s work in a fast-paced environment provided intellectual challenges for which my past involvement with skill-building organizations such as Key Club and Medical Careers has prepared me. These organizations helped foster listening and communicating skills that build foundations for successful teamwork.

 

In June 2010, I began working toward a state license as a Certified Nurse’s Aide and completed the clinical requirements at a nursing facility. It was the first time I handled patients in a close environment where they relied on my competency for their basic needs. By organizing priorities and handling multiple tasks, I was able to satisfy all of the needs of the patients during my shift. I also evaluated patients’ needs, conditions and states of mind and interacted with patients’ myriad behaviors and personalities. In this role, I developed good personal and communication skills with patients and co-workers, which are vital to ensure the well-being of the patient.

My desire to help people beyond routine care led me to volunteer as a medical assistant at a pediatrician’s office. Although working for a salary is important, I have temporary suspended that in order to gain the experience I need to reach my ultimate goal. Under the pediatrician’s guidance, I was able to interact directly with patients in a more clinical setting. In addition to taking down patient history, I took blood pressure readings and assisted in administering physical exams. This experience solidified my belief that I not only have the dedication and desire, but I have all of the physical, mental and emotional capabilities to become a P.A. and use them to have a positive impact on patients while contributing to the medical community. From being open-minded and accepting to having a strong science-based academic background, I am well-prepared for the challenges that lie ahead.

 

A turning point for my career goal was when a 22-month-old patient came into the office with severe “seal-like” coughing and difficulty breathing. My developing logical and analytical mind was now formulating hypotheses for diagnosis. The sound of a baby’s cough coupled with the symptoms and history were now a puzzle that needed to be solved. As I searched for certain behavior patterns and body conditions, my interest in predicting the possibilities and risks was never higher.

The challenges in my current volunteer positions both at an internal medicine office and a podiatrist’s office have brought my interest to a new level where I seek answers to every patient’s question from the causes of symptoms to the possibilities of diagnosis. Being a P.A. requires a well-rounded approach to every patient. I am thorough and responsive to patients and enjoy the rigor and demands required of me and am eager to continue to develop my skills as a P.A. My career commitment is to dedicate myself to improving the quality of care and the lives of patients.

　

[Just Steve]

Ok so I did my essay all over again, this time I think I got it down right by including my volunteer experience where I did get to observe a PA and has everything the committee is looking for. Just one last time, can anyone crtique or add in a few more suggestions to make it perfect. I feel confident this is a slammer.

 

 

The sounds of sirens and sight of occupied stretchers rushing into the emergency room is definitely a terrifying thought, but for me, it was something to be concerned about. What is the situation? What are some things that can be done to help the person? you mention a plural of stretchers, but only one patient...don't care about the others? The inconsistency stands out. Or is there anything that can be done? Dialysis and watching blood being pumped out of someone may be tough to watch, but it is something I cannot take my eyes off. Where those patient(s) being rushed to dialysis? You have presented a strange transition from an ER setting to one of a dialysis...are they related? What are the benefits when undergoing this treatment? rhetorical question or are you looking of an answer? I think you are going for the "stream of consciousness" appearance in your writing but it just chops up the flowIt were thoughts like these that ran through my mind while volunteering at my local hospital during high school. I was very observant and was always focused on what was happening around the environment I was in. I always wondered what the outcome of the scenario would be. Would it be good or bad? However, I realized that whatever was happening around me had a main focus. That focus was to give the right quality of care to the community in every way possible. I always had wanted to have that focus, and therefore decided to pursue a career in medicine. This paragraph is very choppy and busy. I get the impression you are trying to convey ideas that you ramble through your head, but this is a place for you to organize your ideas and present them in a cohesive manner that transitions smoothly between scenes...right now it just seems scattered

 

Wanting to help people, I found myself volunteering at a local hospital as soon as I was old enough. I watched and assisted Physician Assistants no need for capital letters for physician assistant as they took care of patients from inquiring about medical histories to diagnosing and treating conditions. You mentioned that you "assisted Physician Assistants"...what did you do? What was the assistance? The P.A. profession has grown substantially over recent years and there is a great demand for these practitioners to step up and become qualified leaders. have the PAs been slacking and not stepping up and leading? is this a "call to arms" to motivate otherwise lackluster PAs? Perhaps you can encourage the PAs to mentor and help expand a qualified work force..One has to work as part of a team to find the best solutions and provide the best care. Watching P.A.s work in a fast-paced environment provided intellectual challenges such as?for which my past involvement with skill-building organizations such as Key Club and Medical Careers has prepared me. These organizations helped foster listening and communicating skills that build foundations for successful teamwork. The last two sentences are just super clunky and do not flow at all. I have read them several times over and I just can't get through them without tripping over structure and wondering what exactly you're talking about. My best guess is that you were part of the Key Club and Medical Careers, which foster listening and communicating skill to help you be a better teammate. I am not tracking how that prepared you to watch PAs work in a fast paced environment...I suggest revisiting that whole bit and see if you can't express your point better.

 

In June 2010, I began working toward a state license as a Certified Nurse’s Aide and completed the clinical requirements at a nursing facility. It was the first time I handled patients in a close environment where they relied on my competency for their basic needs. By organizing priorities and handling multiple tasks, I was able to satisfy all of the needs of the patients during my shift. I also evaluated patients’ needs, conditions and states of mind and interacted with patients’ myriad behaviors and personalities. Don't these two preceding sentences say the same thing? You satisfied all of the needs of your patients during your shift....you also evaluated patient needs, conditions, and states of mind and interacted with patients' myriad (poor word) behaviors and personalties...that is just a lot of words saying the same thing. Feels like fluff to boost a word count. In this role, I developed good personal and communication skills with patients and co-workers, which are vital to ensure the well-being of the patient.

My desire to help people beyond routine care led me to volunteer as a medical assistant at a pediatrician’s office. Although working for a salary is important, I have temporary present tense suspended that in order to gain the experience I need to reach my ultimate goal. Under the pediatrician’s guidance, I was able to past tense....see how it is clunky? (drop the "have" before temporary and replace temporary with "temporarily" suspended my salaried position in order to gain....)interact directly with patients in a more clinical setting. In addition to taking down patient history, I took blood pressure readings and assisted in administering physical exams. This experience solidified my belief that I not only have the dedication and desire, but I have all of the physical, mental and emotional capabilities to become a P.A. and use them to have a positive impact on patients while contributing to the medical community. From being open-minded and accepting to having a strong science-based academic background, I am well-prepared for the challenges that lie ahead.

 

A turning point for my career goal was when a 22-month-old patient came into the office with severe “seal-like” coughing and difficulty breathing. My developing logical and analytical mind was now formulating hypotheses for diagnosis. The sound of a baby’s cough coupled with the symptoms and history were now a puzzle that needed to be solved. As I searched for certain behavior patterns and body conditions, my interest in predicting the possibilities and risks was never higher. and then what happened? did you find the answer? figure out the diagnoses? (croup is my guess because of the barking cough)...you lead us up with little story and then just drop it on the floor...again..clunky.

The challenges in my current volunteer positions both at an internal medicine office and a podiatrist’s office have brought my interest to a new level where I seek answers what do you use for a source? Where do you find your answers? to every patient’s question from the causes of symptoms to the possibilities of diagnosis. Being a P.A. requires a well-rounded approach to every patient. I am thorough and responsive to patients and enjoy the rigor and demands required of me and am eager to continue to develop my skills as a P.A. My career commitment is to dedicate myself to improving the quality of care and the lives of patients.

　

 

If you are still part of your school, I'd suggest going back to their English department and ask for a tutor to help you review this once again. If you are no longer a student, maybe you can find a private tutor to pay for an hour or so to help you get your points across. I think the material in your PS is ok, I think it can be presented in a much more efficient manner. Good luck

[PAGirl689]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I have someone to help me revise it and went with her suggestions

I knew I should have added more about the croup patient like the results and such, but the tutor said it wasn't too important (which apparently is). It was a funny incident though where I predicted croup after watching and learning about it from a medical show.

 

And am curious on what do you mean by "CNA diagnosis" and it being pretentious? We had to learn how to evaluate the needs of a patient, behavior and such, it's part of the job. But I am working on it now again.

[Corpsman2PA]

I think alley cat had already mentioned this, but "the sound(s) of sirens and sight of...." Versus: The sound of sirens and sight of....

 

Its a small detail, but reads better IMHO without the 's' on the 'sounds'. It could be personal preference, but read it aloud a few times and go with what you feel.

[chiaroscuro27]

You've received some great advice here. Take heed; really, the personal statement determines whether or not you get an interview.

 

PM me and I'll be happy to assist you.