Any Critique/Suggestions Please!

[babyan6el99]

It might sound a bit dry...but please suggest/critique!! thanks in advance! Really appreciate it.

 

 

I have always possessed a diligent work ethic. In high school, I had various jobs, each of which challenged me in different ways, developing my character and rounding out my capabilities. While none of these jobs appealed to me as a calling, I did note a common thread: each of them involved significant human interaction, and led me to believe that my passion is helping others. Thankfully, it did not take long for me to refine this discovery and identify my vocation. In my second year of Health Science at ----, I suffered a grim bout of food poisoning. It was my first time in ER, and I recall being extremely nervous. The attending health care professional was a physician assistant (PA), and her calmness, authority and sympathetic touch immediately impressed me. Curious, I asked after her profession, and was happy to learn all about the role of the PA. The vague realization made in high school – that I was meant to help others – had achieved clarity: I had begun to see how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, and a newfound interest in medicine and the role of physician assistant began to take shape.

 

 

Immediately, I took action to make this dream a reality. The following summer, I volunteered at the Metropolitan Jewish Geriatric Center (MJGC). At MJGC, I was responsible for transporting patients, and assisting those with feeding difficulties. Most of all, however, I enjoyed lifting patients’ spirits, and found that I had a natural talent for nurturing and consolation. As I became more familiar with the helping role, my passion for medicine caught fire, and I became more resolved to serve as a PA. In the past year, serving as an EMT-B (Emergency Medical Technician-Basic) at ------ EMS, I have only received further verification that my vocation is perfectly suited for me. When I help those that cannot help themselves, I am buoyed by a sense of purpose unrivalled in my other life pursuits. Both at MJGC, and EMS, I have seen medicine in its rawest form, and far from being repelled, I have only been drawn nearer. I have learned the importance of teamwork in health care; I have come to accept the fragility of the human body; I have seen the limitations of medicine, and I have weighed this against the terrific robustness of the human body. Most of all, I have come to accept death as a necessary: we must do what we can, but we cannot save everyone. I am enthralled by my experiences, and confident that I will take these lessons forward into my career as a PA.

 

 

 

In order to step smoothly into the PA program, I will have taken the necessary prerequisites – organic chemistry, and physiology (this fall). Additionally, two years ago, I accepted a position as an anatomy tutor, to better understand the intricacies of the human body. I assisted with labs, gave exam reviews, and took all opportunities to answer questions through email or in-office hours. Through this experience, I hope to better my teaching ability, to instruct future patients about preventable diseases, and the importance of eating a healthy diet.

 

There are significant reasons why I wish to become a PA, other than my passion for medicine and helping others: I find the flexibility appealing as I can serve in Obstetrics and Gynecology, ER, or surgery. I feel that a balance between family and profession is important. I am not financially prepared to undertake the study necessary to become a physician. Being a PA is very intellectually challenging, and spiritually rewarding, and I enjoy and flourish working both independently and in a team. After shadowing one physician, and two excellent PAs, I am resolved and impassioned to become a PA. Although the path ahead will be demanding and rigorous, I relish those challenges, because I have performed the work to become intimate with the profession, which is truly a labor of love. zm

[IdahoPA]

Ok....

1st paragraph: seems very comma heavy. Consider breaking sentences up. "first time in THE ER..." Delete the comma after profession in the sentence beginning with "Curious..."

2nd paragraph: delete comma after "transporting patients" and after "patients' spirits" I don't think it's really necessary to explain "EMT-b." Everyone reading your paper will know what it means. :) Delete the comma after "Both at MJGC" Overuse of semi colons...whoa.

 

I liked reading the first 2 paragraphs, even if there were at least a dozen too many commas. However, your 3rd paragraph is kinda meh. Everyone has to take those same pre-reqs so I don't see that as a talking point.

 

4th paragraph: this is probably personal preference rather than a structure/grammar issue, but I find it a bit odd when people directly compare med school and the PA program in their PSs. I always get the sense that they first wanted to attend med school, realized they couldn't hack it and changed to PA. It's likely that that isn't your case. But why even mention med school? I would instead stress the positive aspects you like of the PA profession. That way you don't make your quest to get into PA school seem like a second choice because med school was unobtainable. Also, I'm not fond of your sentence "Being a PA is...." Perhaps you could say "will be..." or even "I believe _____" since you're not actually one yet.

 

I would switch your 3rd and 4th paragraphs. Maybe you could start your 4th by saying, "In addition to the pre-reqs, I accepted a job as an anatomy tutor..."

 

Good luck! Hope this helps!

[babyan6el99]

Thank you sooo much! Great suggestions...

[StudentPA]

I have always possessed a diligent work ethic. In high school, I had various jobs. Each of which challenged me in different ways from developing my character to rounding out my capabilities. While none of these jobs appealed to me as a calling, I did note a common thread. Each of them involved significant human interaction. This led me to believe that my passion is helping others. Thankfully, it did not take long for me to refine this discovery and identify my vocation. In my second year of Health Science at ----, I suffered a grim bout of food poisoning. It was my first time in ER. I recall being extremely nervous. The attending health care professional was a Physician Assistant (PA). Her calmness, authority, and sympathetic touch immediately impressed me. Curious, I asked after her profession. She was happy to tell me all about the role of the PA. The vague realization made in high school – that I was meant to help others – had achieved clarity. I began to see how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. A new found interest in medicine and the role of physician assistant began to take shape.

 

 

I took action to make this dream a reality. The following summer, I volunteered at the Metropolitan Jewish Geriatric Center (MJGC). At MJGC, I was responsible for transporting patients and assisting those with feeding difficulties. However, I enjoyed lifting patients’ spirits and found that I had a natural talent for nurturing and consolation. As I became more familiar with the helping role, my passion for medicine grew. I became more resolved to serve as a PA. In the past year, serving as an EMT-B (Emergency Medical Technician-Basic) at ------ EMS, I have only received further verification that my vocation is perfectly suited for me. When I help those that cannot help themselves, I am buoyed by a sense of purpose unrivalled in my other life pursuits. Both at MJGC, and EMS, I have seen medicine in its rawest form, and far from being repelled, I have only been drawn nearer. I have learned the importance of teamwork in health care. I have come to accept the fragility of the human body; I have seen the limitations of medicine, and I have weighed this against the terrific robustness of the human body. Most of all, I have come to accept death as a necessary: we must do what we can, but we cannot save everyone. I am enthralled by my experiences, and confident that I will take these lessons forward into my career as a PA.

 

 

 

To enter the PA program, I will have taken the necessary prerequisites – organic chemistry, and physiology (this fall). Additionally, two years ago, I accepted a position as an anatomy tutor to better understand the intricacies of the human body. I assisted with labs, gave exam reviews, and took all opportunities to answer questions through email or in-office hours. Through this experience, I hope to better my teaching ability, to instruct future patients about preventable diseases, and the importance of eating a healthy diet.

 

There are significant reasons why I wish to become a PA. Other than my passion for medicine and helping others I find the flexibility appealing as I can serve in Obstetrics and Gynecology, ER, or surgery. I feel that a balance between family and profession is important. I am not financially prepared to undertake the study necessary to become a physician. Being a PA is very intellectually challenging, and spiritually rewarding, and I enjoy and flourish working both independently and in a team. After shadowing one physician, and two excellent PAs, I am resolved and impassioned to become a PA. Although the path ahead will be demanding and rigorous, I relish those challenges, because I have performed the work to become intimate with the profession, which is truly a labor of love.

[babyan6el99]

Thank you Student PA !! I will make corrections and look it over, for the millionth time : ) Does this make a strong PS?

[alleycat]

hey babyangel, just read your PS....the last paragraph still has reference to med school....as suggested above...makes PA look like runner up, not 1st place. otherwise okay

[babyan6el99]

Hey everyone. Thank you so very much for the input. Really appreciate it. I fixed the commas.... thank you Lewis for that. (and of course student PA and alleycat) I changed the first sentence on the third paragraph and also got rid of the reference to medical school in the fourth paragraph. Does it seem too much of I's in the fourth paragraph?

 

Please help once again!! And I still have to make a reference of why I did poorly in my grades. I waitress 20-30 hours a week during college because of financial difficulties my parents went through and helped support them. It was difficult for me. Any suggestion where I can put that in there smoothly? I picked up slowly but steady..

 

Please respond, I really have depend on you wonderful people! : )

 

I have always possessed a diligent work ethic. In high school, I had various jobs, each ofwhich challenged me in different ways, developing my character and rounding outmy capabilities. While none of thesejobs appealed to me as a calling, I did note a common thread: each of them involved significant humaninteraction, and led me to believe that my passion is helping others. Thankfully, it did not take long for me torefine this discovery and identify my vocation. In my second year of Health Science at Stony Brook University, Isuffered a grim bout of food poisoning. It was my first time in the ER, and I recall being extremelynervous. The attending health careprofessional was a Physician Assistant (PA). Her calmness, authority andsympathetic touch immediately impressed me. Curious, I asked after her profession. She was happy to tell me all about the role ofthe PA. The vague realization made inhigh school – that I was meant to help others – had achieved clarity. I beganto see how I wanted to spend the rest of my life and a newfound interest inmedicine and the role of Physician Assistant began to take shape.

I took action to make this dream a reality. The following summer, I volunteered at theMetropolitan Jewish Geriatric Center (MJGC). At MJGC, I was responsible for transporting patients and assisting thosewith feeding difficulties. However, I enjoyedlifting patients’ spirits and found that I had a natural talent for nurturingand consolation. As I became morefamiliar with the helping role, my passion for medicine caught fire, and Ibecame more resolved to serve as a PA. In the past year, serving as an EMT-B at Senior Care EMS, I have onlyreceived further verification that my vocation is perfectly suited for me. When I help those that cannot helpthemselves, I am buoyed by a sense of purpose unrivalled in my other lifepursuits. Both at MJGC and EMS, I haveseen medicine in its rawest form, and far from being repelled, I have only beendrawn nearer. I have learned the importanceof teamwork in health care. I have come to accept the fragility of the humanbody; I have seen the limitations of medicine, and I have weighed this againstthe terrific robustness of the human body. Most of all, I have come to accept death as a necessary: we must do what we can, but we cannot saveeveryone. I am enthralled by myexperiences, and confident that I will take these lessons forward into mycareer as a PA.

This Fall I continue tovolunteer at DeSales School for the Deaf to achieve my goal of learning signlanguage fluently. I will also take a physiology course to fulfill myprerequsites for PA school.

Additionally, two years ago, I accepted a position asan anatomy tutor to better understand the intricacies of the human body. I assisted with labs, gaveexam reviews, and took all opportunities to answer questions through email orin-office hours. Through this experience, I hope to better my teaching ability,to instruct future patients about preventable diseases, and the importance ofeating a healthy diet.

There are significant reasons why I wish to become a PA. Otherthan my passion for medicine and helping others: I find the flexibility appealing as I canserve in Obstetrics and Gynecology, ER, or surgery. I feel that a balance between family andprofession is important. I believe a careeras a PA is very intellectually challenging, and spiritually rewarding, and Ienjoy and flourish working both independently and in a team. After shadowing two excellent PAs, I amresolved and impassioned to become a PA. Although the path ahead will be demanding and rigorous, I relish thosechallenges, because I have performed the work to become intimate with theprofession, which is truly a labor of love.

I need to include in my PS why I did poorly in my grades. I worked20-30 hours a week waitressing and it was a bit of a challenge however I wasdetermined to stay in school. Maybe I won’t include that it was a challenge butit should imply that was the case. Of course I regretted it and wished I didbetter.

Should I expand on my volunteer experience at Desales School for thedeaf? I work with deaf/blind and also kids with special needs. Its humbled meto another level and made me realized how fortunate we are.

 

 

 

[babyan6el99]

Look at this one. Better looking form.

 

 

I have always possessed a diligent work ethic. In high school, I had various jobs. Each of which challenged me in different waysfrom developing my character to rounding out my capabilities. While none of these jobs appealed to me as acalling, I did note a common thread: each of them involved significant human interaction, and led me tobelieve that my passion is helping others. Thankfully, it did not take long for me to refine this discovery andidentify my vocation. In my second yearof Health Science at Stony Brook University, I suffered a grim bout of foodpoisoning. It was my first time in theER, and I recall being extremely nervous. The attending health care professional was a Physician Assistant (PA). Hercalmness, authority and sympathetic touch immediately impressed me. Curious, I asked after her profession. She was happy to tell me all about the role ofthe PA. The vague realization made inhigh school – that I was meant to help others – had achieved clarity. I beganto see how I wanted to spend the rest of my life and a newfound interest inmedicine and the role of Physician Assistant began to take shape.

I took action to make this dream a reality. The following summer, I volunteered at theMetropolitan Jewish Geriatric Center (MJGC). At MJGC, I was responsible for transporting patients and assisting thosewith feeding difficulties. However, I enjoyedlifting patients’ spirits and found that I had a natural talent for nurturingand consolation. As I became morefamiliar with the helping role, my passion for medicine caught fire, and Ibecame more resolved to serve as a PA. In the past year, serving as an EMT-B at Senior Care EMS, I have onlyreceived further verification that my vocation is perfectly suited for me. When I help those that cannot helpthemselves, I am buoyed by a sense of purpose unrivalled in my other lifepursuits. Both at MJGC and EMS, I haveseen medicine in its rawest form, and far from being repelled, I have only beendrawn nearer. I have learned the importanceof teamwork in health care. I have come to accept the fragility of the humanbody; I have seen the limitations of medicine, and I have weighed this againstthe terrific robustness of the human body. Most of all, I have come to accept death as a necessary: we must do what we can, but we cannot saveeveryone. I am enthralled by myexperiences, and confident that I will take these lessons forward into mycareer as a PA.

This Fall I continue tovolunteer at DeSales School for the Deaf to achieve my goal of learning signlanguage fluently. I will also take a physiology course to fulfill myprerequsites for PA school.

Additionally, two years ago, I accepted a position asan anatomy tutor to better understand the intricacies of the human body. I assisted with labs, gaveexam reviews, and took all opportunities to answer questions through email orin-office hours. Through this experience, I hope to better my teaching ability,to instruct future patients about preventable diseases, and the importance ofeating a healthy diet.

There are significant reasons why I wish to become a PA. Otherthan my passion for medicine and helping others: I find the flexibility appealing as I canserve in Obstetrics and Gynecology, ER, or surgery. I feel that a balance between family andprofession is important. I believe a careeras a PA is very intellectually challenging, and spiritually rewarding, and Ienjoy and flourish working both independently and in a team. After shadowing two excellent PAs, I amresolved and impassioned to become a PA. Although the path ahead will be demanding and rigorous, I relish thosechallenges, because I have performed the work to become intimate with theprofession, which is truly a labor of love.

[babyan6el99]

I dont know why words are sticking together but it is not supposed to.