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Would like some feedback/critiques/suggestions for my personal statement!


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It's a little bit over the limit but I thought I'd post what I have so far. I definitely need to work on a better intro, as well as transitioning sentences throughout, but I'm finding it difficult to tie everything together. Is the second paragraph tacky? Maybe everyone has had similar struggles but that quarter was definitely INSANE. I literally did nothing but eat, sleep, class, study, work, swim, lab for 3 months.

 

For a long time I was preparing for both Phd in Immunology and PA or nursing school, so that's why I have so many years of experience in research. It took a while to figure out which path to follow since both seemed to offer similar things (research is very collaborative/social/helps the community/etc) but I ultimately I decided healthcare was the way to go (didn't want to deal with grants, experiments not working, etc---I like fast paced environments and I am a people person). I don't know if I made that clear in my PS or if I should elaborate more..

 

Also, I am bilingual in mandarin but I don't know if I should finagle that into my personal statement. I can talk about taking care of my grandma in her apt/nursing home, translating things for her, etc until her passing...but this experience honestly has little to do with my decision to become a PA and I feel that the death of a family member thing is a bit overused.

 

 

 

Thanks in advance!

 

 

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I worked several jobs throughout college, and always took opportunities to try new experiences. As a student manager with Campus Unions Event Services, I enjoyed directing my team, training new staff members and watching them advance through the ranks. I enjoyed TAing a science course at CTY, seeing children squeal with delight as I brought out pungent brains and eyeballs of various farm animals for them to dissect, and sharing my love of science with seventh graders. As an instructor for a college course on computer applications, I loved preparing lesson plans and finding interesting ways to motivate and prepare her students for their future. Through these positions I realized that I have a passion for working with people, and this is what started my gradual transition towards a career in medicine.

 

I found that my favorite courses in college were those that unwrapped the mysteries of the human body. I recall one quarter at _____ when I was taking twenty-three hours of course work, scrambling to finish my pre-PA requirements before graduating. With a nonstop schedule from 9am to 9pm every day, I ate, breathed, and slept my classes--and oddly I loved every minute of it. This was the most academically successful and most enjoyable quarter of my college career, and I owe that to my sincere passion for the human biology (I was taking immunology, anatomy, physiology, and human development) and my tendency to thrive in fast-paced environments. I am confident that if I could do well with such a heavy load, while working and volunteering in a lab at the same time, I am capable of enduring the intense curriculum and training of a physician assistant curriculum.

 

For the past two years, I have been an EMT with Rock Medicine, a division of Haight-Ashbury Free Clinics that provides free health care at concert venues across the San Francisco Bay Area. The kinds of patients I work with are of all ages, and our calls vary from drug overdose to cardiac problems. The organization has a very friendly and close-knit atmosphere, so it is very easy to talk to the volunteer nurses, doctors, nurse practitioners, and physician assistants about their distinct roles in health care. I definitely gravitate toward the physician assistant profession as it is to me the perfect balance of bio-science, medicine, and patient care. I am drawn to the high level of responsibility and the expertise that a PA requires. I also love the fact that they are not only mostly needed in primary care, a highly varied field, but also have the ability to work in virtually any specialty.

 

As an EMT, I found my scope of practice to be limiting, but found other ways to make a contribution. Working at large events, where often the patron number easily passes 30,000, I am not only exposed to a variety of medical conditions, but also many social issues such as homelessness, substance abuse, neglect, violence, and suicide. I found that emergency medicine is not only medicine, but taking control of stressful situations and bringing support and comfort in the midst of chaos. I tried my best to lend an ear to patients when they were upset and frustrated, to assure their safety when they were afraid, and to keep everyone as calm as I could. Working with RockMed is an incredible experience and I hope to be involved with the organization for many years.

 

My background in basic science led me to a position at the San Francisco VA hospital as a research associate in an immunology lab. I am part of the liver studies research group where I study host genetic effects on hepatitis C. The data we generate will hopefully be used to develop prognostic tests to find good candidates for the current hepatitis C treatments. Through this position I solidified my skills in designing experiments, troubleshooting protocols, and keeping updated with current literature and technologies. I am given a lot of responsibility not only in the lab but also on the clinical side of research. I am involved with patient recruitment, scheduling appointments, consenting patients, answering questions about our research study, and coordinating blood draws.

 

Every sample we end up processing belonged to a veteran of the US military with a great story behind him. Being able to interact with the population whose blood we ultimately ended up analyzing makes this research project so much more personal and rewarding than any lab work I’ve done in the past. It was seeing my two worlds together, research and health care, that cemented my decision to enter healthcare. I found that I am more fascinated by the thought processes of the patient more than laboratory research. I would very much enjoy developing relationships with patients, finding strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, trying to understand why they make the health choices that they do, and helping them achieve their goals. Research will always be there, and my extensive background in the field will open doors for me to return. But first and foremost, becoming a physician assistant is my goal.

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Always mention bilingual abilities. They are a valuable skill to let potential PA schools know that you have. Now I will see what I can do for you.

 

Throughout college I always took opportunities to try new experiences. As a student manager with Campus Unions Event Services, I directed my team, training new staff members and helped them advance through the ranks. I enjoyed TAing a science course at CTY, seeing children cry with delight as I brought out pungent brains and eyeballs of various farm animals for them to dissect. I shared my love of science with seventh graders. As an instructor for a college course on computer applications, I loved finding interesting ways to motivate and prepare her students for the future. These experiences invigorated my passion for working with people, and guided me towards a career in medicine.

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My favorite courses in college were those that unwrapped the mysteries of the human body. When I was taking twenty-three hours of course work, scrambling to finish my pre-PA requirements before graduating with a nonstop schedule from 9am to 9pm every day, I ate, breathed, and slept my classes--and oddly I loved every minute of it. This was the most academically successful and most [Delete repeated most.] enjoyable quarter of my college career. I owe that to my sincere passion for the human biology (I was taking immunology, anatomy, physiology, and human development) and my tendency to thrive in fast-paced environments. I am confident that despite such a heavy load, working and volunteering in a lab at the same time [use simultaneously instead.], I am capable of enduring the intense curriculum and training of a physician assistant curriculum [You say curriculum twice in the same sentence. Replace this reference with the word school.].

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I work as an EMT with Rock Medicine, a division of Haight-Ashbury Free Clinics that provides free health care at concert venues across the San Francisco Bay Area. The kinds of [unnecessary. Sentence will flow just fine without it.] patients I work with are of all ages, and our calls vary from drug overdose to cardiac problems. Rock Medicine has a very friendly and close-knit atmosphere, so it is very easy to talk to the volunteer nurses, doctors, nurse practitioners, and physician assistants about their distinct roles in health care. To me the PA profession is the perfect balance of bio-science, medicine, and patient care. I am drawn to the high level of responsibility and the expertise that a PA possesses. I also love the fact that they are not only mostly needed in primary care, a highly varied field, but [Change to and.] also [Delete.] have the ability to work in virtually any specialty.

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As an EMT, I find my scope of practice to be limiting, but found other ways to make a contribution. Working at large events, where often [Obstructs sentence flow.] the patron number easily passes 30,000, I am not only exposed to a variety of medical conditions, but to many social issues such as homelessness, substance abuse, neglect, violence, and suicide. I find [shorter. Similar meaning.] that emergency medicine involves taking control of stressful situations, bringing support, and comfort in the midst of chaos [Put in list format.]. I tried my best to listen to patients when they are upset or frustrated, to assure their safety when they were afraid [Obstructs sentence flow.], and to keep everyone as calm as I could. Working with RockMed is an incredible experience. I hope to be involved with the organization for many years [Deleted an and.].

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My scientific background led me to a position at the San Francisco VA hospital as a research associate in an immunology lab. I am part of the liver studies research group where I study host genetic effects on hepatitis C. The data we generate will hopefully be used to develop prognostic tests to find good candidates for the current hepatitis C treatments. This position has solidified my skills in designing experiments, troubleshooting protocols, and keeping up to date with current literature and technologies. I am given a lot of responsibility not only in the lab but also on the clinical side of research and am involved with patient recruitment, scheduling appointments, consenting patients, answering questions about our research study, and coordinating blood draws.

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Every sample we process belonged to a US military veteran with a great story behind him. Being able to interact with a population whose blood we analyze makes this research project so [Omit.] much more personally rewarding than any lab work I’ve [Do not use contractions in formal writing such as this. Replace with I have.] done in the past. Seeing my two worlds together, research and health care, that [Delete.] cemented my decision to enter healthcare. I find that I am more fascinated by the thought processes of the patient more than laboratory research. I would very much enjoy developing relationships with patients, finding strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, trying to understand why they make the health choices that they do, and helping them achieve their goals. Research will always be there, and my extensive background in the field will open doors for me to return. But first and foremost, becoming a physician assistant is my goal.

 

Well there you go mate. That should cut down on your character count and allow you the room that you need to make any future changes. I hope that I improved your sentence flow some. Make the changes and read it over. If you have any questions about anything feel free to contact me.

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I don't have much background in writing so I find writing essays very difficult, your comments definitely help me with making my essay more organized and less wordy.

 

I do have a question though--how is my essay in terms of content? Is there anything I should add (besides the bilingual aspect)? Anything I should take out? Is it something that the people on adcoms want to read?

 

Thanks!

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