Need to shave 300 characters... Any constructive feedback is appreciated!

[rsh2061]

Here's my PS... hopefully I'm close to a final draft. I didn't have any luck with people PMing me, so I figured I'd just post it. I appreciate any constructive feedback. I also need to trim at least 300 characters off... I've already cut a ton, but I'm still over the limit. The parts in bold, I'm not completely sold on the wording. Thanks in advance for your time and thoughts.

 

 

 

Walking into the room there is a distinct smell. As I look around I am completely captivated by all of the cadavers waiting to be explored. A junior in high school, this was the moment at which I knew I wanted to have a career focused on medicine, on an AP Biology field trip to a local college cadaver lab. I realized how fascinated I was with the human body when given a chance to see the incredible differences between gyri and sulci of a healthy brain and those of an individual with Alzheimer’s. Or to notice how delicate the chordae tendineae are though they play such an important role every second as the heart beats. I have found the perfect fit, a career that will satisfy my relentless interest in medicine, passion for learning and constant personal challenge to pursue excellence. After being introduced to the physician assistant profession, through my research and experience shadowing, all of the aspects align with my career goals.

My college experience as a resident advisor strengthened my desire to help and work with others. The position allowed me to develop strong leadership skills, refine my teamwork abilities and learn a new language. I worked with a diverse staff that included deaf and hard of hearing students. This challenged me to learn American Sign Language. Barriers among colleagues can be formidable, and acknowledging the importance of communication provided the encouragement to become fluent within a short period. The focus was to create better communities and help fellow students adjust to new surroundings. I could not see a better opportunity to help accomplish this goal than by learning the Deaf culture and language. Continuously throughout the position, I was faced with arduous situations, assisting residents in a wide spectrum of circumstances from working with a student with Asperger’s syndrome adjust to threatening and unfamiliar surroundings, handling flooded rooms, and the complexities of combining hearing and Deaf cultures. Even as I picked up the language I was often faced with challenges of adjusting to a culture that was not yet second nature. The way personal details are shared, unlike in the hearing culture, where they would only be divulged to a best friend or close family. Something that seems somewhat trivial, like finding the appropriate time to excuse yourself was a modification to be made as well.

In my last year of undergraduate study, after an intensive gross anatomy course, I was able to learn in the cadaver lab. I was invited to participate in a new initiative working collaboratively within a small group to complete dissections on cadavers. We then provided demonstrations for the Anatomy & Physiology classes. Previously, those classes had been restricted to using computer programs, models, and a small sampling of organs. Contributing to the successful implementation of this initiative was an amazing experience. Working with students during their first encounter in the cadaver lab was very rewarding. I helped walk them through intricate human anatomy they had previously only seen in pictures. Additionally, I was incredibly inspired by the remarkable gift individuals made by donating their bodies so that we could learn, improve, and provide better medical care for patients in the future.

As I move forward, excited about the prospect of becoming a physician assistant, I am enthusiastic about continuing to make progress toward my long term goals. As a physician assistant, I would love to have the indefinite possibility to transition between various aspects of medicine. I have a particularly strong draw to working in rural and underserved areas. Being born and raised in a small town has clearly shaped the person I have become and is an environment I would love to consider in my future career. This aspiration has continued to be emphasized through volunteering at a local organization, xxxxxx , which collects and distributes medical supplies and equipment to areas in need throughout the world. After just a couple of hours of work, it was amazing to see how much of a difference was being made. In just one shift over a thousand medical kits were sorted, organized, and packaged ready to be sent to various places in Latin America and the Caribbean. To be able to help make a difference in places where care and supplies are in such high demand, or where surgeries might not occur for lack of available sutures is not only fulfilling but encourages me to one day be able to utilize my skills as a physician assistant in similar areas across our country. As a physician assistant, I would aspire to work with the underserved and help to provide support and equal access to quality care, an issue that has greatly challenged our nation over the years.

I am incredibly anxious to have the opportunity to become a successful physician assistant, and commence the challenging journey I have long desired. My passion for a career in medicine has grown tremendously since my first experience in the cadaver lab as a junior in high school. Overall, the physician assistant profession has sparked my endless curiosity and will create opportunities for me to improve my medical knowledge as a student and provide care as a future medical professional.

[Beorp]

"Or to notice how delicate the chordae tendineae are though they play such an important role every second as the heart beats."

 

I personally wouldn't describe the chordae tendineae as "delicate." Thin, yes, but they really have remarkable strength. When I think delicate, I think more arachnoid matter.

 

"Additionally, I was incredibly inspired by the remarkable gift individuals made by donating their bodies so that we could learn, improve, and provide better medical care for patients in the future."

 

Especially if you're trying to cut down the character count, I would consider getting rid of this. This is a cliche that does not really matter to your personal statement for PA school, in my opinion.

[StudentPA]

Entering a room full of cadavers I am captivated the smell and the excitement of new possibilities. A junior in high school, this was the time at which I knew I wanted to have a career focused on medicine, on an AP Biology field trip to a local college cadaver lab. The human body is fascinating to me. Given a chance to see the incredible differences between gyri and sulci of a healthy brain and those of an individual with Alzheimer’s. Or to notice how delicate the chordae tendineae are though they play such an important role every second as the heart beats. I have found the perfect fit, a career that will satisfy my relentless passion for learning about medicine and constant personal challenge to pursue excellence. My introduction to the physician assistant profession came by researching, experiencing, and shadowing, all of the aspects align with my career goals.

[StudentPA]

My experience as a resident advisor strengthened my desire to work with others and allowing me to develop strong leadership skills, refine my teamwork abilities and learn a new language. I worked with a diverse staff that included deaf and hard of hearing students causing me to learn American Sign Language. Barriers among colleagues can be formidable, and acknowledging the importance of communication provided the encouragement to become fluent within a short period. The focus was to create better communities and help fellow students adjust to new surroundings.

[StudentPA]

Not seeing a better opportunity to help accomplish this goal than by learning the Deaf culture and language. Continuously throughout the position, I faced arduous situations, assisting residents in a wide spectrum of circumstances from working with a student with Asperger’s syndrome adjust to threatening and unfamiliar surroundings, handling flooded rooms, and the complexities of combining hearing and Deaf cultures. Picking up the language I was often faced with challenges of adjusting to a culture that was not yet second nature. The way personal details are shared, unlike in the hearing culture, where they would only be divulged to a best friend or close family. Something that seems somewhat trivial, like finding the appropriate time to excuse yourself was a modification to be made as well.

[StudentPA]

As a senior, after an intensive gross anatomy course, I was able to learn in the cadaver lab. I was invited to participate in a new initiative working collaboratively within a small group to complete dissections on cadavers. We then provided demonstrations for the Anatomy & Physiology classes. Previously, those classes had been restricted to using computer programs, models, and a small sampling of organs. Contributing to the successful implementation of this initiative was an amazing experience. Working with students during their first encounter in the cadaver lab was very rewarding.

[StudentPA]

I helped walk them through intricate human anatomy they had previously only seen in pictures. I was incredibly also inspired by the remarkable gift individuals made by donating their bodies so that we could learn, improve, and provide better medical care for patients in the future.

As I move forward, excited about the prospect of becoming a physician assistant, I am enthusiastic about continuing to make progress toward my long term goals. As a physician assistant, I would love to have the indefinite possibility to transition between various aspects of medicine. I have a particularly strong draw to working in rural and under served areas. Being born and raised in a small town has clearly shaped the person I have become and is an environment I would love to consider in my future career. My aspiration continues to be emphasized through volunteering at a local organization, xxxxxx , which collects and distributes medical supplies and equipment to areas in need throughout the world.

[StudentPA]

It was amazing to see how much of a difference was being made. In just one shift over a thousand medical kits were sorted, organized, and packaged ready to be sent to various places in Latin America and the Caribbean. Helping to make a difference in places where care and supplies are in such high demand, or where surgeries might not occur for lack of available sutures is not only fulfilling but encourages me to one day be able to utilize my skills as a physician assistant in similar areas across our country. As a physician assistant, I would aspire to work with the underserved and help to provide support and equal access to quality care, an issue that has greatly challenged our nation over the years.

I am incredibly excited to have the opportunity to become a successful physician assistant, to commence the challenging journey I have long desired. My passion for medicine has grown tremendously since my first experience in the cadaver lab as a junior in high school. Overall, the physician assistant profession has sparked my endless curiosity and will create opportunities for me to improve my medical knowledge as a student and provide care as a future medical professional.

[rsh2061]

Beorp- I see what you mean about the use of "delicate", I was trying to portray my initial impression of them only to later learn how strong and important they are, so I'll reword that point. And I agree with the donation sentence, thanks for pointing it out and thanks for your time!

 

StudentPA- Some nicely reworded suggestions I hadn't thought of, thanks for sharing your input!

[mackjacks]

I think that if you re-word things, you might not need to cut anything out. For example, "A junior in high school, this was the time at which I knew I wanted to have a career focused on medicine" rephrased as "A junior in high school, this was when I realized I wanted a career in medicine" cuts 101 characters to 79. Do that with 10 sentences and you'll have 300.

[StudentPA]

Mackjacks' suggestion would work as well. Just out of curiosity how many characters less is my version from yours? I ask because I was more focus on eliminating thing that would obstruct from sentence flow and simplifying the piece down to its most basic elements. By the way why is there exclamation point after mention of my username? Are my suggestions really that helpful? Either way I hope that you get the help you need. Feel free to send me a revised version if you want more help.

[rsh2061]

Mackjacks- I see your point, thanks.

 

StudentPA- Your suggestions get the count down to about 4900. And I suppose I was excited to get some feedback, I had posted 2-3 times to get a PM but had no luck. Plus it's helpful to get perspectives from others, after reading it so many times I get stuck in the wording I've already used, so the ideas help me step back a bit. Thanks.

[Kaepora]

Is there anyone who you know that really knows their grammar and punctuation rules? You have commas where they shouldn't be or where you should have a hyphen or a colon. Word order and syntax is mixed in a few places. There is a lot of passive voice - which isn't in and of itself a bad thing but the ratio of active to passive should be tilted towards active. And your sentence structure should be more varied. A lot of your sentences are all constructed the same way. It's so much better to go through things like this in person with someone else who really knows what they're doing.

[StudentPA]

Well I am glad that you finally got a reply. I hope it helps. When you say count do you mean the character count? If so you should be good.