This is the 2nd draft of my PS, any input would be much appreciated!

[Emmons2006]

I'm looking to make it more direct, to the point, and attention-grabbing... any input would be awesome!

 

 

It was the fifteen years I dedicated to competitive gymnastics that sparked my initial interest in the intricacies of the human body. I had learned about health and nutrition from many coaches, athletic trainers and doctors specializing in Sports Medicine. I admired their work and was eager to learn as much as I could. Growing up, I knew I wanted to be in the healthcare field but was unsure as to which aspect of medicine I wanted to practice. This is where my journey toward becoming a physician assistant began, and how each step in my life would lead me closer to pursuing the career that I believe is meant for me.

 

My interest in health and nutrition may have started as an aspect of my gymnastics training, but it quickly developed into a passion. Thus, leading me to study Dietetics at Michigan State University. During my sophomore year, I began working as a dietary aide in a long-term care facility, where I was able to work alongside a registered dietician. I loved nutrition, but I wanted to be more hands-on in patient care than a career as an R.D. may allow. I realized that although their work was an important aspect of the residents’ health, I wanted to have a bigger impact on my patients’ lives. Shortly after, a friend introduced me to the role of a physician assistant and I realized this could be the answer I was searching for.

 

Throughout college, I exposed myself to many health care positions. I continued my job as a dietary aide and also began to work as a home health aide. This experience further developed my desire for providing patient care on a personal level. For the first time, I could see the difference I was making. Tasks that positively impacted my patients’ lives such as reminding them to take their medication and helping monitor their blood glucose, supplied me with even more motivation and determination. I was excited to pursue my future career as a PA and continue helping people on a larger scale. During this time I also volunteered in the largely underserved community of Lansing, at Sparrow Hospital and a smaller primary care clinic. Although it was a struggle to balance schoolwork, volunteering, and multiple jobs, it helped me to better manage my time and instill a good work ethic.

 

Upon my college graduation, I was ready to start the application process and continue my journey toward becoming a PA. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned. I was not accepted into any programs. Although I was, at first heartbroken, I realized this was an opportunity for me to recognize my own weaknesses and improve them. I was driven to make myself a stronger person, as well as, a stronger applicant for the next year. I began working full-time at Huron Woods, a senior facility for elderly suffering from Alzheimer’s disease and Dementia. Working with people at this stage of life can be challenging both, mentally and physically. I quickly realized how valuable my relationship with the resident was. One resident, Marjorie, taught me a great deal. Marjorie had a hard time trusting the staff; she frequently spit out her medications, refused care and could occasionally be combative. I worked with Marjorie regularly and gave her the patience and time she needed in order to begin trusting me. Due to the relationship we had built, I was able to subside some of Marjorie’s difficult behaviors and convince her to cooperate. As a result, my co-workers were able to better perform their jobs and most importantly, she received better care. Working at Huron Woods, I established a newfound confidence in providing care for my residents. As a PA you have to be confident in knowing you are making the best decision for your patients’ well being. This experience, I believe, has made me a stronger person and a better healthcare provider.

 

As a physician assistant, I am looking forward to working as part of a healthcare team and providing my community with efficient and reliable care on a personal level. Shadowing a PA at a hospital, private clinic, and various schools he instructed at, gave me the opportunity to talk to other medical professionals, educators, and students. I was able to develop a well-rounded understanding of what my future, as a PA will be like. A PA plays a vital role in quality patient care; they not only provide aid to the physician, but also take extra time to educate their patients and make them feel comfortable each step of the way. My communication skills are a defining aspect of my personality, and I believe my patients and fellow medical professionals will benefit from this. I am confident in my ability to bring a positive, up-lifting attitude to the healthcare field, and as a Physician Assistant I know I would enjoy helping educate patients and form relationships that would benefit their health and life-style.

[jmpetersen]

It's dietitian, not dietician. Sorry, big pet peeve of mine! (I'm an RD)

[Emmons2006]

Thank you, I appreciate your input! Did you have any other critiques?

[cooltrainer]

I think it's awesome. Nice job. -- one quick thing, you have physician assistant lower case and then upper case in one aspect in your conclusion paragraph.

[Emmons2006]

Thanks a lot for your input!

[Nako12381]

Well-written. I did, however, noticed you used "physician assistant" and "PA" interchangeably throughout your PS. In your first paragraph, you should state "physician assistant (PA)" so that it is evident that you mean "physician assistant" when you say PA. If I were you, I'd try to remain consistent by using one or the other throughout the PS.

[StudentPA]

It was the fifteen years I dedicated to competitive gymnastics that sparked my initial interest in the intricacies of the human body. I had [Not needed. Learned is already past tense. Take out had and try reading the sentence again.] learned about health and nutrition from many coaches, athletic trainers and doctors specializing in Sports Medicine. I admired their work and was eager to learn as much as I could [You could simply say. "as much as possible."]. Growing up, I knew I wanted [Try yearned over wanted. The word yearn means to desire strongly while want does not. It is a matter of the intensity of your desire.] to be in the healthcare field but was unsure as to which aspect of medicine I wanted to practice. This is where my journey toward becoming a Physician Assistant (PA) began, and how each step in my life would lead me closer to pursuing the career that I believe is meant for me.

[StudentPA]

My interest in health and nutrition may have started as an aspect of my gymnastics training, but it quickly developed into a passion leading [The thus, is not needed. The sentence flows better without it.] me to study Dietetics at Michigan State University. During my sophomore year, I began working as a dietary aide in a long-term care facility, where I was able to work alongside a registered dietician. I loved nutrition, but I wanted to be more hands-on in patient care than a career as an R.D. may allow. I realized that although their work was an important aspect of the residents’ health, I wanted [Try desire. Desire is a stronger word. I may want something but may not have the desire to pursue it. You see what I am getting at?] to have a bigger impact on my patients’ lives. Shortly after, a friend introduced me to the role of a Physician Assistant and I realized this could be [Was is simpler.] the answer I was searching for.

[StudentPA]

Throughout college, I explored many health care positions and continued working as a dietary aide and also began to work as a home health aide. This experience further developed my desire for providing patient care on a personal level. For the first time, I could see the difference I was making. Tasks that positively impacted my patients’ lives such as reminding them to take their medication and helping monitor their blood glucose, supplied me with even more motivation and determination. I was excited to pursue my future career as a PA and continue helping people on a larger scale. During this time I also volunteered in the largely underserved community of Lansing, at Sparrow Hospital and a smaller primary care clinic. Although it was a struggle to balance schoolwork, volunteering, and multiple jobs, it helped me to better manage my time and instill a good work ethic.

[StudentPA]

Upon graduation [You say college in the paragraph above. Trust that the reader still understands that you are in college and are not graduating from it.], I was ready to start the application process and continue my journey toward becoming a PA. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned. I was not accepted into any programs. At first I was heartbroken, but realized this was an opportunity for me to recognize my own weaknesses and improve them. I was driven to make myself a stronger person, as well as ,[Delete. And is simpler.] a stronger applicant for the next year. I began working full-time at Huron Woods, a senior facility for elderly suffering from Alzheimer’s disease and Dementia. Working with people at this stage of life can be challenging both, mentally and physically. I quickly realized how valuable my relationship with the resident was. One resident, Marjorie, taught me a great deal. Marjorie had a hard time trusting the staff; she frequently spit out her medications, refused care and could occasionally be combative. I worked with Marjorie regularly and gave her the patience and time she needed in order to begin trusting me. Due to the relationship we had built, I was able to subside some of Marjorie’s difficult behaviors and convince her to cooperate. As a result, my co-workers were able to better perform their jobs and most importantly, she received better care. Working at Huron Woods, I established a new found [Two words.] confidence in providing care for my residents. As a PA you have to be confident in knowing you are making the best decision for your patients’ well being. This experience, has made me a stronger person and a better healthcare provider [sentence flows better.].

[StudentPA]

As a physician assistant, I am looking forward to working as part of [in is simpler and conveys the same meaning given the context.] a healthcare team and providing my community with efficient and reliable care on a personal level. Shadowing a PA at a hospital, private clinic, and various schools he instructed at, gave me the opportunity to talk to other medical professionals, educators, and students. I was able to develop a well-rounded understanding of what my future, as a PA will be like. A PA plays a vital role in quality patient care; they not only provide aid to the physician, but also take extra time to educate their patients and make them feel comfortable each step of the way. My communication skills are a defining aspect of my personality, and I believe my patients and fellow medical professionals will benefit from this. I am confident in my ability to bring a positive, up-lifting attitude to the healthcare field, and as a Physician Assistant I know I would enjoy helping educate patients and form relationships that would benefit their health and life-style.

[mktalon]

Was your resident really named Marjorie? If so this is a major HIPPA violation. Giving out the name, place of residence, and specific illness is a trifecta of identifiable information. If you in fact changed her name you ought to indicate this so they don't think that you are in violation.

[StudentPA]

In that case you might want to substitute Marjorie's name with "a patient." and refer to Marjorie as "her" or "she" every time after that.

[Emmons2006]

Thanks for your help! I did use a fake name but i'll make sure to change it so it's not confusing, thanks!

[StudentPA]

You know it might be fake and I know it is, but the people reading your Personal Statement might not so it would be a good idea to change it.

[david89]

So how would indicate that I changed the patient.s name?

[Emmons2006]

Yeah, I did thanks!

[Emmons2006]

I just changed it to, the patient and didn't use a name at all

[IdahoPA]

I found this refreshingly pleasant to read. I will add just a few things. Dementia isn't capitalized. Also, in the phrase about the "work being challenging, both mentally and physically..." the comma should be after challenging. In the last sentence of paragraph 4, if you're deleting "I believe" you need to delete both commas. In the last paragraph, you say something like, "A PA _______; they ________." I feel that since your first subject is singular, your second one should be as well though it'd probably be better to make them both plural.

I like that you address that you are a re-applicant and that you've used the time since then well by recognizing your weak points and improving upon them. I hope this cycle goes much better for you! Good luck!!