Please look over and critique for grammar or just thoughts. Think I like this one!

[sastacey7]

Hi all! First, thanks to anyone who is willing to spend a bit of his/her time to read and offer suggestions/ ideas/ constructive criticism! I know how busy we all are! I think that I am rather happy with this and have had a few PAs that I know review it. So far, I have had great feedback. BUT- I am worried that I am missing grammar problems (normally I'm great with that, but I have looked at this so many times I can recite it from memory, and I just don't see my mistakes now!) and please feel free to offer up any other thoughts! Thanks again!

 

 

I sat in an abortion clinic pondering the best decision for me and my unborn child. It seemed everyone wanted this to happen except me; I was unsure and confused, desperate for someone to listen to me. I was 14, but I could still think. I knew my plans of a 4.0 through high school, maintaining all my extracurricular activities and hospital volunteer hours, rigorous academic program and one day becoming Dr. McGuire, were forever changed. As my father's words, "You have ruined you life" echoed in my head, I was not even close to being convinced that he was right. For the first time in the whirlwind, I found people, the clinic staff, who wanted to listen to me. It made all the difference. I had learned to think for myself growing up in a split home with a father who worked all the time and an alcoholic mother. Now the most monumental decision of my life was not about me. My paradigm had shifted with the force of an earthquake. Nearly 16 years later I look back and recognize the supportive care I received during the pregnancy and birth of my son altered the path I would take, but changed little about the final destination. It both solidified a desire to work as a provider and gave me insight into the impact such people have on the patients they see.

 

The U.S. Navy afforded me the opportunity to truly become part of a team and to learn a foreign language. I was a Russian linguist, an essential part of the intelligence community. Being stationed in England enabled me to experience first-hand social medicine. I not only worked for a time in the clinic on the base (not a U.S. military facility, but a National Health System clinic (NHS)), but also was a patient in the NHS when my husband and I were expecting our second child. It was enlightening to be a part of a different medical system, one not concerned with insurance and co-pays and not willing to view pills as a `fix' for nearly every ailment. This all reminded me how much I loved and missed medicine, talking with people, educating them and being a catalyst for positive change in their lives. While I truly still loved working with language, I never felt my passion for and desire to work in health care dim. I was excited to think how I could potentially help the Russian community in the USA using my language skills in a health care provider role.

 

I received an honorable discharge from the Navy and we returned to America. It was a cultural adjustment for my British husband and for me. We settled in, and though continuing my education was a priority for us both, with five children we just could not see how to do it formally. In the mean time I used the skills I had garnered in a course offered through the International Association of Infant Massage in Germany and taught local parents the benefits of touch, massage, listening to their babies and their own needs. I worked for a short time as a peer breast feeding counselor for WIC, encouraging breast feeding and helping new mothers work through difficulties with feeding their babies and continuing to nurse when they returned to the workplace. I took a doula course offered by the Association of Labor Assistants and Childbirth Educators and learned much about assisting laboring women. I am honored and privileged to have been a part of births and mother-infant relationships. It was an experience like no other to be an integral part of the team of nurses, doctors, and midwives that cared for these women and babies. However, I never felt fully actualized in this role. A desire to offer a broader scope of care burned brighter.

 

I was able to use my GI Bill to return to school, making the best decision for the future of my entire family- the Stacey team, which is what we would have to work hard at remaining in order to be successful in this endeavor. I am blessed to have the support I do through school, studying, volunteering and shadowing.

 

As a child wanting to be a doctor I knew only of doctors and nurses. More recent exposure to the health care has shown me the physician assistant. With much research and introspection, the profession resonates with me. It allows for a balance between medicine and family, so that I can offer the best possible care for my patients and my family. Being a PA allows for independent thinking and direct patient care, though it does not carry the full demands of being a physician. Though capable of functioning well autonomously, I love being part of a team. The Navy first showed me this and I experience the joy (and challenges) of teamwork every day at home, and have witnessed it while shadowing. An insatiable thirst for knowledge, passion for being the best that I can be and recognizing that this inherently means functioning collaboratively with others has led me to the PA profession. I am excited to empower patients as part of the patient-PA-physician team, and thrilled that there will always be so much more to learn from the many other members of the healthcare system as a PA.

[sastacey7]

Hi all! First, thanks to anyone who is willing to spend a bit of his/her time to read and offer suggestions/ ideas/ constructive criticism! I know how busy we all are! I think that I am rather happy with this and have had a few PAs that I know review it. So far, I have had great feedback. BUT- I am worried that I am missing grammar problems (normally I'm great with that, but I have looked at this so many times I can recite it from memory, and I just don't see my mistakes now!) and please feel free to offer up any other thoughts! Thanks again!

 

 

I sat in an abortion clinic pondering the best decision for me and my unborn child. It seemed everyone wanted this to happen except me; I was unsure and confused, desperate for someone to listen to me. I was 14, but I could still think. I knew my plans of a 4.0 through high school, maintaining all my extracurricular activities and hospital volunteer hours, rigorous academic program and one day becoming Dr. McGuire, were forever changed. As my father's words, "You have ruined you life" echoed in my head, I was not even close to being convinced that he was right. For the first time in the whirlwind, I found people, the clinic staff, who wanted to listen to me. It made all the difference. I had learned to think for myself growing up in a split home with a father who worked all the time and an alcoholic mother. Now the most monumental decision of my life was not about me. My paradigm had shifted with the force of an earthquake. Nearly 16 years later I look back and recognize the supportive care I received during the pregnancy and birth of my son altered the path I would take, but changed little about the final destination. It both solidified a desire to work as a provider and gave me insight into the impact such people have on the patients they see.

 

The U.S. Navy afforded me the opportunity to truly become part of a team and to learn a foreign language. I was a Russian linguist, an essential part of the intelligence community. Being stationed in England enabled me to experience first-hand social medicine. I not only worked for a time in the clinic on the base (not a U.S. military facility, but a National Health System clinic (NHS)), but also was a patient in the NHS when my husband and I were expecting our second child. It was enlightening to be a part of a different medical system, one not concerned with insurance and co-pays and not willing to view pills as a `fix' for nearly every ailment. This all reminded me how much I loved and missed medicine, talking with people, educating them and being a catalyst for positive change in their lives. While I truly still loved working with language, I never felt my passion for and desire to work in health care dim. I was excited to think how I could potentially help the Russian community in the USA using my language skills in a health care provider role.

 

I received an honorable discharge from the Navy and we returned to America. It was a cultural adjustment for my British husband and for me. We settled in, and though continuing my education was a priority for us both, with five children we just could not see how to do it formally. In the mean time I used the skills I had garnered in a course offered through the International Association of Infant Massage in Germany and taught local parents the benefits of touch, massage, listening to their babies and their own needs. I worked for a short time as a peer breast feeding counselor for WIC, encouraging breast feeding and helping new mothers work through difficulties with feeding their babies and continuing to nurse when they returned to the workplace. I took a doula course offered by the Association of Labor Assistants and Childbirth Educators and learned much about assisting laboring women. I am honored and privileged to have been a part of births and mother-infant relationships. It was an experience like no other to be an integral part of the team of nurses, doctors, and midwives that cared for these women and babies. However, I never felt fully actualized in this role. A desire to offer a broader scope of care burned brighter.

 

I was able to use my GI Bill to return to school, making the best decision for the future of my entire family- the Stacey team, which is what we would have to work hard at remaining in order to be successful in this endeavor. I am blessed to have the support I do through school, studying, volunteering and shadowing.

 

As a child wanting to be a doctor I knew only of doctors and nurses. More recent exposure to the health care has shown me the physician assistant. With much research and introspection, the profession resonates with me. It allows for a balance between medicine and family, so that I can offer the best possible care for my patients and my family. Being a PA allows for independent thinking and direct patient care, though it does not carry the full demands of being a physician. Though capable of functioning well autonomously, I love being part of a team. The Navy first showed me this and I experience the joy (and challenges) of teamwork every day at home, and have witnessed it while shadowing. An insatiable thirst for knowledge, passion for being the best that I can be and recognizing that this inherently means functioning collaboratively with others has led me to the PA profession. I am excited to empower patients as part of the patient-PA-physician team, and thrilled that there will always be so much more to learn from the many other members of the healthcare system as a PA.

[MalibuCA]

Hello! I'm going to be honest with you... get rid of ur first paragraph or mold it into something more professional. It has nothing to do with becoming a PA and unnecessary for u to mention something too personal. That's just my opinion. Your second paragraph was better, but I would try to improve the flow of your story. And why is the "4th" paragraph isolated? It's not really a paragraph. You seem like a very smart and experienced person, but I would try to be more straightforward and less repetitive. It's clear in your paper that you've had a long journey, but i would pick about three of the MAIN experiences or situations that you have gone through and make that your paper. There's no need to tell ur life story. I hope this helps! And good luck!

[MalibuCA]

Hello! I'm going to be honest with you... get rid of ur first paragraph or mold it into something more professional. It has nothing to do with becoming a PA and unnecessary for u to mention something too personal. That's just my opinion. Your second paragraph was better, but I would try to improve the flow of your story. And why is the "4th" paragraph isolated? It's not really a paragraph. You seem like a very smart and experienced person, but I would try to be more straightforward and less repetitive. It's clear in your paper that you've had a long journey, but i would pick about three of the MAIN experiences or situations that you have gone through and make that your paper. There's no need to tell ur life story. I hope this helps! And good luck!

[Hemoptysis]

I noticed this in an earlier edition of your statement as well, and want to make sure you don't send it in this way, because in paragraph 2 I believe you mean, "You have ruined your life."

 

I know how easy it can be to miss little things like that, I scrutinized mine to the minute of finally submitting it. Don't let it drive you too crazy.

[annakathryn77]

I think you have a great start! I am trying to write mine, so I thought I'd look at others' to get some motivation to begin. I think your first paragraph is good. It's captivating, and that is very important in writing. It has emotional appeal, which is good, it tells about you and your unique history, and it begins to explain part of your reason for desiring to join the healthcare team. Good for you for persevering! I would, however, attempt to tie into that a little more direction toward why that experience made you want to join the medical realm. I also agree that your 4th paragraph is oddly isolated. I love the enthusiasm of the last paragraph. Go get 'em!!! and just make sure you spell check carefully before submitting it. Good luck to you!

[IdahoPA]

I agree with Malibu. The first paragraph is very...off-putting. This is just my opinion so please take it for what it's worth, but I feel that you should do some severe editing. The first paragraph highlights a very personal experience that doesn't actually add anything to your PS. The second talks more about England's healthcare system than you. Your Navy experience is important and definitely is a part of who you are, but the transition from your service to civilian life should be explained more smoothly. The third paragraph seems to be your treasure chest. You have all of these wonderful opportunities....yet we only hear a small blurb about them. Sell yourself here!! The ending of that paragraph is probably the best part of your paper: your reason for choosing the PA field. The fourth paragraph is awkward, as others have mentioned.

Some of the sentences seem really long. Maybe try reading it aloud to get a feel for the flow.

You seem very strongly family-oriented and creating a balance between being a mother and healthcare provider seems integral to you. If I were writing this, I would try to convey that nurturing spirit with wanting to be able to offer broader care.

Beyond that, I would caution about 2 specific phrases. The first is when you mention "Dr. McGuire" because it feels like you really want to go to med school. The second is when you mention "though it doesn't carry the full demands of a physician." What do you mean by that? Because I know many, many PAs and they work their tails off and I think they'd be a bit insulted that you're implying they don't have a demanding job. (Which I'm sure you weren't doing, but it comes across that way.)

Also, WIC should be spelled out as you did with the other acronyms.

Sorry if it seems that I'm being mean. I'm really not. Good luck!!