Seeking critique/constructive criticism on my personal statement, if anyone has time

[mdruzhinina]

just a note: I will be changing the last paragraph, I don't like how it sounds, so don't pay too much attention to that, thank you to anyone who has a chance to look it over :)

Have a fantastic day :)

 

Most people recall receiving toys as children, my earliest recollection of receiving a gift was a microscope that was given to me by my mom at the age of 5. My mother instilled in me the importance of science and education from a very young age. Growing up in Russia with a single mother who was a pediatrician was not easy, due to circumstances I often accompanied her to work. While watching her care for patients I became aware of the emotional rewards and self fulfillment that come along with caring for others. My mother and I moved to the United States when I was nine years old. It was very difficult to leave my grandparents and family and continue my life in a completely new environment at such a critical age. Learning a new language and forming new friendships and bonds came naturally to me and I was able to meet the challenges with success. This experience taught me to embrace testing situations and to overcome any obstacle in my path.

I received my CNA license at the age of 16 and began working at a nursing home. The direct contact with residents taught me a lot about compassion and hard work. I spent a lot of time with one resident in particular, a woman who was bed-ridden for several years due to Multiple Sclerosis. I sat and talked with her when I had time because she did not always have visitors and was often in pain. Developing more personal relationships with residents taught me a lot about compassion and empathy for their individual situations. Despite not having worked at the nursing home for several years, I continue to visit her along with other residents and staff.

While studying at Carroll University I completed an internship at Rogers Memorial Hospital on the child and adolescent inpatient unit which progressed into a full time position. Working closely with nurses, social workers and psychiatrists allowed me to learn a lot about the multidisciplinary approach in treatment of children and adults in an inpatient psychiatric setting. The most important lessons I learned while working at Rogers Memorial is what it means to be an educator, mentor and most importantly a patient advocate. On several occasions, children disclosed to me about their past or current abuse. I took the appropriate measures to notify Child Protective Services and the rest of the treatment team of the situations. It empowered me to be able to help these children on such a serious level. This job also allowed me to develop emotional stability and mental stamina to be able to process the situations I encountered on a regular basis.

Due to several life changes, and my desire to focus solely on successfully completing the prerequisites and applying to Physician Assistant programs, I am not currently working in the health care field. I am currently in the process of shadowing an Emergency Department physician, and also volunteering at the Department of Public Health of Walworth County. I am very eager to return to direct patient care since I miss it tremendously and miss the satisfaction that I received working closely with patients

While studying at Carroll University I received the great honor of being the president of the Carroll University chapter of PSI CHI, along with being vice president of psychology club. As a member and leader of these organizations, I was a part of organizing several events on campus. While working closely with other community organizations, we organized events on important topics such as suicide awareness, sexual assault awareness, self injury awareness, and conflict resolution. I thrived working as a part of a team while also holding a leadership position. I embraced the opportunity to educate students and the community through interactive presentations on very important topics.

After careful research of the roles and responsibilities of a Physician Assistant, and having the opportunity to job shadow an orthopedic Physician Assistant. I believe that it would be the perfect career choice for me to work as a part of a multidisciplinary team while under the supervision of a Physician while assessing, diagnosing, treating, and following up with patients. Through my practice as a Physician Assistant I not only want to assess, diagnose and treat patients, but I want to educate and empower them make good choices about their health and habits. The lessons on compassion, empathy and patient advocacy that I have taken away from being a nursing assistant and a psychiatric technician are going to play a large role in my practice. My experiences as an undergraduate student at Carroll University and while completing my science prerequisites have prepared me to succeed academically in a Physician Assistant program. While my patient care experience in several different settings, has prepared me to provide excellent patient care to people from different backgrounds.

[latonj]

After reading your personal statement, I feel like I know a lot about you, but not necessarily why you want to become a PA. I did notice that you didn't mention PA until halfway through the essay and it was more of a passing mention. The last paragraph, while it may not be your best-written paragraph, at least begins to explain your motivation toward becoming a PA.

Here's some food for thought: why PA vs MD or Psychiatrist or anything else?

It seems that you do have the experience necessary to be a good candidate, I would try and more clearly show the reader (admissions committee) how that experience translates into your PA motivation.. And what exactly were you doing as an intern at Rogers Memorial?

Hope this helps, good luck

[latonj]

After reading your personal statement, I feel like I know a lot about you, but not necessarily why you want to become a PA. I did notice that you didn't mention PA until halfway through the essay and it was more of a passing mention. The last paragraph, while it may not be your best-written paragraph, at least begins to explain your motivation toward becoming a PA.

Here's some food for thought: why PA vs MD or Psychiatrist or anything else?

It seems that you do have the experience necessary to be a good candidate, I would try and more clearly show the reader (admissions committee) how that experience translates into your PA motivation.. And what exactly were you doing as an intern at Rogers Memorial?

Hope this helps, good luck

[nicole.a]

I agree with Latonj. I want a story about you or something that really shows me that you want to be a PA and nothing else.

You say, "After careful research of the roles and responsibilities of a Physician Assistant, and having the opportunity to job shadow an orthopedic Physician Assistant. I believe that it would be the perfect career choice for me to work as a part of a multidisciplinary team while under the supervision of a Physician while assessing, diagnosing, treating, and following up with patients." This makes me think that you did a Google search and liked the job description of a PA, and then you shadowed one and that did it. I don't necessarily think this is your case at all, but adcoms might.

Also, read this last sentence out loud: "While my patient care experience in several different settings, has prepared me to provide excellent patient care to people from different backgrounds." I think it could use a touch of TLC.

I think you have some wonderful experience to bring to PA school and then to the profession. I'd just like to see it more clearly in your statement :).

I hope this helps a bit.

Best,

Nicole

Just one really quick and potentially unnecessary comment:

Here's some food for thought: why PA vs MD or Psychiatrist or anything else?

A psychiatrist is an MD. Just wanted to throw that out there. My apologies for the nitpickiness--I'm sure you meant to say psychologist :).

[nicole.a]

I agree with Latonj. I want a story about you or something that really shows me that you want to be a PA and nothing else.

You say, "After careful research of the roles and responsibilities of a Physician Assistant, and having the opportunity to job shadow an orthopedic Physician Assistant. I believe that it would be the perfect career choice for me to work as a part of a multidisciplinary team while under the supervision of a Physician while assessing, diagnosing, treating, and following up with patients." This makes me think that you did a Google search and liked the job description of a PA, and then you shadowed one and that did it. I don't necessarily think this is your case at all, but adcoms might.

Also, read this last sentence out loud: "While my patient care experience in several different settings, has prepared me to provide excellent patient care to people from different backgrounds." I think it could use a touch of TLC.

I think you have some wonderful experience to bring to PA school and then to the profession. I'd just like to see it more clearly in your statement :).

I hope this helps a bit.

Best,

Nicole

Just one really quick and potentially unnecessary comment:

Here's some food for thought: why PA vs MD or Psychiatrist or anything else?

A psychiatrist is an MD. Just wanted to throw that out there. My apologies for the nitpickiness--I'm sure you meant to say psychologist :).

[nicole.a]

Oh, and I'm sorry that I totally paid a lot of attention to the last paragraph when you told us not to. Disregard, as it sounds like you were planning to rewrite it anyway :).

[nicole.a]

Oh, and I'm sorry that I totally paid a lot of attention to the last paragraph when you told us not to. Disregard, as it sounds like you were planning to rewrite it anyway :).

[mdruzhinina]

Thank you both for your feedback I appreciate it trmendously!!!

[mdruzhinina]

Thank you both for your feedback I appreciate it trmendously!!!

[jmpetersen]

Nice work! A few things I notice just to clean it up a bit...

 

Use ACTIVE voice, not passive. For example, say: ...my mom gave me a microscope (instead of.. given to me by my mom at age five--too wordy! and it makes the reader stop to figure out if your mom was five at the time or if it was you!)

 

Remove extra words, For example: say "fulfillment" instead of "self fulfillment"...and you had to leave behind family, not grandparents AND family.

 

Avoid using the same word over and over and over: There is a part where you use the word "new" 3 times in 2 sentences. Later, you mention that you aren't working in healthcare now and say "currently" twice in back-to-back sentences. Those two sentences could probably be simplified into something a little more concise, such as "While focusing on completing pre-requisites and polishing PA school applications, I have spent ___ hours shadowing an ER physician while I continue to volunteer at the Dept of Public Health of Walworth County". (That sentence needs a little work, too, but my main point is to just simplify a bit!)

 

I didn't go through everything sentence-by-sentence, so there may be more areas that could be simplified and cleaned up so the reader can see your point without too much word-fluff. You definitely have some interesting life and career experiences, and you want those to shine through! :) Good luck!

[jmpetersen]

Nice work! A few things I notice just to clean it up a bit...

 

Use ACTIVE voice, not passive. For example, say: ...my mom gave me a microscope (instead of.. given to me by my mom at age five--too wordy! and it makes the reader stop to figure out if your mom was five at the time or if it was you!)

 

Remove extra words, For example: say "fulfillment" instead of "self fulfillment"...and you had to leave behind family, not grandparents AND family.

 

Avoid using the same word over and over and over: There is a part where you use the word "new" 3 times in 2 sentences. Later, you mention that you aren't working in healthcare now and say "currently" twice in back-to-back sentences. Those two sentences could probably be simplified into something a little more concise, such as "While focusing on completing pre-requisites and polishing PA school applications, I have spent ___ hours shadowing an ER physician while I continue to volunteer at the Dept of Public Health of Walworth County". (That sentence needs a little work, too, but my main point is to just simplify a bit!)

 

I didn't go through everything sentence-by-sentence, so there may be more areas that could be simplified and cleaned up so the reader can see your point without too much word-fluff. You definitely have some interesting life and career experiences, and you want those to shine through! :) Good luck!

[sastacey7]

I found many punctuation errors also. I assume English is not your first language since you grew up in Russia (I speak Russian too btw), so have someone you know that is great in grammar look it over. Other than that, I agree with the previous posts. But, be sure you do NOT have run on sentences or other obvious grammar problems- I hear that the adcom will toss it away no matter the content if you do! I wish you the very best in your journey to PAdom!

[sastacey7]

I found many punctuation errors also. I assume English is not your first language since you grew up in Russia (I speak Russian too btw), so have someone you know that is great in grammar look it over. Other than that, I agree with the previous posts. But, be sure you do NOT have run on sentences or other obvious grammar problems- I hear that the adcom will toss it away no matter the content if you do! I wish you the very best in your journey to PAdom!

[mdruzhinina]

Thank you both for the input. Appreciate it a lot :) I actually completely tore my paper apart (probably 6 or so times) since this version, but the advice is still applicable to my current paper, great things to think about and look for in the text. Thanks again!!