PS critique, please!

[MrsRonSwanson]

Ahoy matey! I would appreciate any feedback anyone has. Thank you!

My health care career has been a journey filled with twists and turns. A bacterial meningitis outbreak in my hometown initially inspired me to pursue medicine when I was eight years old. It resembled something out of a science fiction film. Residents barricaded themselves in their homes, schools closed, and truckers refused to drive through town. I waited outside for three hours before entering the Army Reserve Center, where the Department of Health had set up a mass vaccination program. An hour later, I entered an assembly line of poking and probing before I received a shot and some antibiotics.

 

State health officials vaccinated nearly 30,000 residents within three days. Terror and amazement pulsed through my veins as I burst with questions about meninges, bacteria, and vaccinations. Ultimately, this love drove me overseas to pursue a master’s degree in epidemiology. I spent all my time working with datasets consisting of tens of thousands of observations. There weren’t any faces, names, or histories; only identification numbers. My studies opened a new, fascinating world that I loved, but something didn’t feel quite right. I didn’t feel as though I was using all my potential.

I found the missing piece while working as a care assistant in London. I had a special client, Freddie, who was 90 years old and had been living independently with his wife Phyllis, who had mild Alzheimer’s. He fell and broke a hip, and his prostate cancer, which had been in remission for 15 years, came back with a vengeance. I became their live-in care assistant and updated the hospice team on Freddie’s failing health, how pain medications were working, and how I thought they should proceed. I soon became a source of physical and emotional support for not only Freddie and Phyllis, but their entire family. While only a two-week position, it took its toll on me mentally. However, the fact that I knew I had a very special role and could make the process much more peaceful for his whole family made me persevere. Daughters, son-in-laws, grandchildren, and close friends who only recently heard the news of his fall constantly called and visited with anticipation that Freddie had perhaps improved a little. Each time, I had to inform them that his state of health was in fact much more severe than they had expected and his prognosis was not pleasant. I reassured them that he was comfortable, in no pain and most importantly, that Freddie knew he had a wonderful life and a loving family.

 

It was clear I put his family at ease and helped facilitate the healing process. After Freddie passed, Phyllis and her family thanked me with tears in their eyes and I found what I had been yearning for as a future, which is to work more directly with patients. My passion is to treat not only patients, but also their families; to help them understand, accept, and move forward. Support should be more than a brochure, whether it’s for death or for a routine surgical procedure. I want to be the bridge between what the research and medical communities say and do, and what patients and families hear and understand. Becoming a physician assistant will give me the opportunity to accomplish this by combining my epidemiology background with direct patient contact.

From my previous role as a nursing assistant in various nursing homes and home health care settings, to my current positions as a nursing station technician in an adult intensive care unit, I continue to grow and mature as a health care provider each day. I’ve witnessed heartbreak as recent college graduates are so close to recovering from a bone marrow transplant and beating leukemia or multiple myeloma, but can’t quite get there. I’ve experienced achievements as I assist in emergency situations following cardiac arrests or during rapid blood transfusions, where I’m always a step ahead of the charge nurse and attending physician. I’ve seen how mismanaged care and lack of teamwork can negatively affect patients’ wellbeing and progress, and I want to have a larger impact in preventing this. My professional repertoire includes the ability to work efficiently and harmoniously with a multidisciplinary medical team to coordinate and provide the best care possible for each patient and their family.

My education, employment, and research have equipped me with an arsenal of interests and skills, ranging from geriatrics to infectious diseases to rural health. I’m not satisfied with providing minimal care and having limited responsibilities; I want to push myself further. I crave challenge, growth, and leadership to expand and strengthen my medical knowledge and clinical skills. I have the ability to alleviate suffering and anxiety through my compassion, dedication, and integrity. As a physician assistant, I will do my part to bring these values to the forefront and provide what I believe health care should be.

[EMSArtist]

This is a pretty good PS. I'm not much for checking grammar and punctuation, but I didn't see anything that jumped out to me.

 

I would be cautious about personal details of your patients though. Using full first names etc, I tend to be overly cautions and paranoid about protecting patient privacy, but it's a fine line. I would seek other opinions on that as well.

 

I did have one question that remained unanswered in you narrative. How did you transition from epidemiology to nursing assistant? What made you switch? In the narrative one minute you are a dissatisfied epidemiologist and the next you are a nursing assistant... It is just a bit abrupt and might warrant a sentence of connection/transition.

 

There is also one sentence that screams out personal hubris. "...where I’m always a step ahead of the charge nurse and attending physician." It just comes off as arrogant and conceited. I'm sure your intention is to display confidence, but it's not doing that for you. Maybe replace with something about being a pro-active advocate for your patient in concert with nurses and physicians?? Meh? All I know was that that bit was a big turn-off for this reader...

 

Otherwise pretty strong work :)

[WTEngel]

I would also be cautious about mentioning "While only a two week position, it took its toll on me mentally."

 

I understand that this was a rough assignment, especially considering you did not have a great amount of experience, but there will be situations much more difficult than this. A sentence like that may give someone on the ADCOM an excuse to think that you may not be able to take the stress of school and ultimately work.

 

I am not saying this is the case, but don't give the ADCOM any reason to question your ability. I liked the rest of it pretty well, especially the part about multidiscipline collaboration.

 

I also agree with the previous poster about being careful when saying you were a step ahead of the charge nurse and physician. It makes it sound like you feel your abilities are above and beyond their abilities, and it does not necessarily have that "team work" sound to it. I understand what you are trying to say with that statement, and it may be better to word it like "I always tried to do my best to anticipate the future medical necessities of the patient to better facilitate the upcoming procedures that may be ordered by the charge nurse or physician." I know it doesn't sound great, but you can see the general idea of what I am saying...

 

Good luck.

[MrsRonSwanson]

EMSArtist and WTEngel,

 

Thanks for the feedback. I wanted to illustrate that I'm proactive in stressful situations without sounding boring, but I totally understand where you're both coming from and will edit that bit. I worked as a CNA during college and came back to it after grad school because I was having a very difficult time finding a job as an epidemiologist. I didn't want to mention that I couldn't find work in epi because it may look as though I'm only pursuing becoming a PA because I couldn't be an epidemiologist. I'll work on that transition though.

 

Wonderful feedback though. Thanks again.

[WTEngel]

No worries. I knew you weren't trying to show hubris or anything along those lines, just best to avoid any possible wording that might lead one to that interpretation though!

 

So now that I have given you a critique, could you be so kind as to return the favor. My PS is posted one or two posts below this. I would definitely appreciate any feedback and advice you could share! Thanks!

[Just Steve]

Dropping the names also rang my bell. Granted, it's a "pond" away and all that jazz but I'd be cautious about showing any tendencies to name drop at all, as HIPPA can be quite a stickler.

 

Good luck

[EMSArtist]

Dropping the names also rang my bell. Granted, it's a "pond" away and all that jazz but I'd be cautious about showing any tendencies to name drop at all, as HIPPA can be quite a stickler.

 

Good luck

 

it's always safer to fictionalize a name "I'll call them Phil and Francis" or something ...

 

I like to switch initials and then use a different name w/ the initial...

 

ie: if there were a real patient named Pete Anderson, then I would change it around to be Arthur Preston... or similar...

 

It's funny how in telling a story it is important that our characters have names, but privacy restricts us, and when we fictionalize too loosely we can lose sight of our stories, because the story is connected in our heads to the name...

 

That's my .02

[Just Steve]

I completely agree that fictional names are needed, and I have no doubt that the OP used fictional names because they are an intelligent care provider who knows not to make such a mistake. However, it's the "appearance" of violation that makes me do a double read. Such an "appearance" can be avoided with a very simple re wording to discussing the amazing experience the OP had... "while working as the care taker for an elderly couple. After the husband suffered an assault of medical issues and eventually passed, his adoring wife and supportive family included me in their expression of gratitude"...or something like that. Same story, same characters, no name, no wiggle room for someone to say "would this applicant violate a privacy issue?"

 

it's what I would call a stylistic difference in the end though. We are all on the same page, just using different colored ink :-)

[EMSArtist]

I think that names add person-hood to characters. Though the appearance of privacy breach can be avoided with "I'll call them..." this makes it clear that the names are false while giving the reader a mental picture. It's weird, but we have mental pictures that go with names.

 

I'll take the name "Phyllis" and who I picture when somebody says the name. She is a woman in her 70's to 80's, she's shorter than her husband, but not much. Her shoulders are bent and she has obvious arthritis. She walks slowly, possibly with a cane which has flowers on it that coordinate with her outfit. Her accessories are well coordinated, and probably brightly colored. Her shoes and her handbag match, and her hair is perfectly coiffed. She goes to the beauty shop every week and has it washed dried and set. She still feels naked without makeup, though her lipstick is a shade too bright.

 

I have other images for other names, but sometimes in a story, a name makes a huge difference.

 

If I was telling the story of a homeless frequent flyer, and his constant and hilarious proposals of marriage (about once a week for 2 years) you might form more of an image if I called him "Pete"

 

Pete is a person. A homeless frequent flyer is a category, no matter what he does in the story.

 

BTW- RIP "Pete" May you find yourself in heaven with a loving and beautiful wife, and may the demons you tried to drink away vanish like morning dew. We'll miss your humor around here...

[MrsRonSwanson]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I decided to go with "gentleman" and "elderly couple" and other terms. I would really like to keep the names, because I do feel it adds a little. I mean, they weren't just some more old people I worked with. Anyway, I agree with Just Steve. I don't want to give the admissions people a reason to think that I would violate privacy down the road. It really is the appearance of a privacy violation.