Rough Draft Critiques Please

[Brawn3]

A statistic: One…one out of 26 of a generation of kids avoided the pitfalls that those around him succumbed to. 32 is the number of individuals who came before this generation and zero set an example of how to avoid these pitfalls. 22 is the number of the next generation of kids who look at the previous 26 for guidance because these are the individuals who they observed being star athletes in school, whom they observe standing on street corners, and observe being arrested for possession of drugs and other negative actions. From the looks of it that one has a lot of work to do in order to portray a positive direction to follow for this generation of 22 when there are a total of 57 other examples in their face as well. That one whole heartedly accepts this challenge and is eager to guide the next generation that follows to a path that does not lead to the destruction they have witnessed from the generations proceeding them. These simple numbers have profoundly influenced my pursuit of a career in medicine.

 

Growing an impoverished inner city youth there are not many positive examples to follow. Even to those whose parents strive every day to provide the best for their children face difficulties when they themselves have not finished high school, had the opportunity to pursue a college education, or are confound to speaking to their children from behind prison walls. I grew up no differently, and in turn acquired a determination for the pursuit of higher education and developed a passion for learning and setting an alternative example. I saw this as my means of escape.

 

The opportunity to provide patients with preventative care and education has propelled my desire to become a physician assistant. Over the years I have been inspired to become a consultant to my family members who struggle with health conditions such as hypertension and diabetes. Through the researching of these and other conditions I have and continue to instruct them on ways to manage their conditions. I have worked with family members as well as friends to construct and provide diet as well as exercise regiments to help them manage, and in some cases overcome their conditions. My desire to pursue a career as a physician assistant was also fostered through the opportunities I had to teach youth about comprehensive sex education and how to protect themselves from the various invisible threats known as STIs.   

 

Over my collegiate career I grew from the nonchalant lackadaisical student portrayed in my early years. From admission to graduation I matured academically as well as personally. This was made evident from the additional responsibilities I was able to undertake in the ladder parts of my collegiate experience. As I enrolled in upper level courses, I maintained my own business as a hairstylist, mentored and tutored a group of inner-city youth, managed the women’s basketball team, and joined Iota Phi Theta, a national service fraternity. Within this organization I obtained an office position, and with the help of my brothers in a semester’s turn around led this organization to becoming a stand out on the University of North Florida’s campus obtaining accolades such as: highest GPA, and top 10 Greek organizations as well as other awards.

 

The experiences I have endured have molded me into a diverse individual with no fears of situations that may arise. They have also made me into a well-rounded person who understands the importance of teamwork and perseverance. My past experienced have shaped and thoroughly prepared me for the demanding challenges of a PA program, and through this, spark the flame aimed towards changing the standard that so many around me have become accustomed to. The statistic starts with one, and one is all it takes. Each one reach one, when you reach one, you teach one. 

[optimistic3]

Let me start out by saying that I do not understand the statistics in your first paragraph. Maybe it's a disconnect from my end but I don't think it's completely clear what you are trying to say. Also, if you use statistics, I suggest you cite a source. Something like "According to the National Something Foundation, 1 out of every 26 children will...."

 

In the second paragraph, I think you mean confined instead of confound. Confound means to surprise. In the second to last paragraph, the word you are looking for is latter, not ladder.

 

Overall, I think it's pretty good. I really like your conclusion.

[Gayane]

I would not recommend to start the essay with statistics. The beginning  doesn't grab my attention, and it is very boring. Try to use hook technique