Please critique my essay!!

[kmclaughlin1]

My path to medicine began in a creative writing class during my freshmen year of college. One of our readings was The Motorcycle Diaries: Notes on a Latin American Journey by Ernesto Guevara. It is a memoir about his 5,000 mile journey through South America on his motorcycle in the summer of 1952 while on sabbatical from medical school. Along his journey, he volunteers his medical skills at a leprosy colony in San Pablo, Peru. When he arrives, he finds that the patients are physically separated from the medical staff by the Amazon River. Ernesto discovers them with little food and medicine, and their spirits broken. There he writes, "All the love and caring just consist on coming to them without gloves and medical attire, shaking their hands as any other neighbor." He lives true to his words and spends the majority of his time with the patients, even starting a soccer league. During his birthday celebration with the medical staff, Ernesto achieves his most ambitious journey and swims the width of the Amazon River to spend his birthday with his patients.

 

Ernesto's story helped me to discover that my own path in life would lead to medicine. The compassion and motivation he demonstrated encouraged me to evaluate my own life, and it left me aspiring to improve the lives of those around me. Being a responsible and dedicated medical professional is something I believe in and stand for wholeheartedly. Each step of my own journey has been with that belief in mind.

 

I spent my undergraduate studies preparing for graduate school in the health sciences. In addition to my exercise science major requirements, I studied bioethics, women's health, toxicology, and an independent study cadaver course. I even had the opportunity to study abroad in Belize and Guatemala. During my senior year, I was hired as a rehabilitation technician at the Centers for Rehab Services, an outpatient physical therapy clinic. I was responsible for greeting patients for their appointment and starting their therapy according to their treatment diary. My time there was absolutely invaluable to my development as a health care provider as I had the opportunity to work very closely with a diverse group of patients providing assistance, motivation, and support. I also learned how to be professional and effective in a healthcare work environment.

 

In November of 2009 I had been employed at CRS for nearly a year. At that point I was a college graduate and had deferred my acceptance to a Doctor of Physical Therapy program due to some financial hardship. My plan was to continue working at CRS to save money so I may attend the program the following year, but then I was introduced to the physician assistant profession during a surgery observation with Dr. Robin West. The cooperative effort of the operating room staff was extremely impressive, and I found the surgical preparation and procedure to be very exciting. Until then, I had the misconception that a physician assistant simply performed tasks under a physician; it didn't take long for me to realize how wrong I was. During the surgery, the physician assistant worked independently preparing the hamstring grafts and also closing the incisions; she and Dr. West communicated throughout the entire surgery, discussing the tools they had used, the size of the graft, and various issues specific to the patient. She didn't appear to be a subordinate of Dr. West by any means, but more of a trusted colleague whose opinion she valued. After the surgery Darcy and I discussed her education, the daily proceedings of her job, and how she became interested in orthopedic surgery. I left feeling very inspired that I had found my new career path, and I couldn't wait to learn more.

 

In December of 2009, I began looking for other employment in the healthcare field that would better prepare me for physician assistant studies. I was hired and am currently still employed as a research technician for the University Of Pittsburgh School Of Medicine in the Department of Otolaryngology. On a daily basis I contribute to a research team consisting of neurologists, bioengineers, otolaryngologists, audiologists, and physician assistants. Many of our research subjects have chronic vestibular disease, which has helped further my understanding and development of delicate relationships with patients. I am very proud of the work I do and becoming a physician assistant would be a tremendous addition to my value in the medical field.

 

The next part of my journey is to attend a Master of Physician Assistant Studies program. In my education and career as a physician assistant I will strive to demonstrate the same inspiring humility and kindness that Ernesto did in Peru. I will be perceptive and respectful of physical, mental, social, and spiritual conditions unique to each patient. I will be responsible and compassionate. I assure you that I am truly devoted to these ideals. Thank you for your consideration.

[kabecker]

yeah man he killed hundreds of people... not a good person to worship

[FriarMedic]

33% of your essay is a book report. That's a lot of space where you should be talking about you.

[Firemedic13]

This is an excellent essay to get into medical school in Cuba.

 

 

Retake.

 

Seriously, it sounds like you want to go to medical school. I will say that even if you decide to do that, or you decide to be a PA still, you need to pick a topic for your essay that is more about you, and given Che's image in this country, not at all about him.

 

 

ETA: and this is coming from someone who kind of has a soft spot for Che.

[EMSArtist]

This is an excellent essay to get into medical school in Cuba.

 

If this is the case, then rewrite in spanish and drop PA bits.

 

But seriously here, I stopped reading halfway through the first paragraph the first time through. I've been in college long enough to read/edit/sit through enough book reports on our friend Che to numb my mind even to that particularly nice little story. I'm pretty sure most of the adcom members have too.

 

IF, and it would be a big IF, you had a third world medical volunteer experience, the quotation itself might be apropos, but in your case it's irrelevant, and likely going to be a turn off for anyone reading it.

 

Honestly your essay sounds like you wanted to go to medical school and are settling for an easy option of PA. That's not the impression you want to give, and it doesn't really matter if this is the truth or just a reader's impression, because all you will be giving as an insight into your motivations is this essay.

 

Complete rewrite is in order here. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's honest opinion.

 

:)

[kmclaughlin1]

Thank you very much for the criticism. I thought so myself about it sounding book reporty, I was trying to have an interesting beginning. Honestly, I feel like transcripts and references speak for themselves, so I feel redundant dwelling on them. Plus writing about yourself always feels so indulgent. I will scrap most of this.

And, to clarify, I don't worship Che. I am aware of his political adventures later in life, that is why I specifically didn't say Che in the essay. This book was written when he was 25, well before any of that. It is an inspiring story.

And I was trying to make a parallel of a "journey", starting with Che's ending with mine. Cheesy? Yea that is cheesy, I just decided.

Are there any good parts?

[EMSArtist]

Honestly, I feel like transcripts and references speak for themselves, so I feel redundant dwelling on them. Plus writing about yourself always feels so indulgent. I will scrap most of this.

 

Experience and references will speak. They will give the adcom the opinion of others. What they want to know is why YOU think you should be a PA. You have to tell them. You have to let them know who you are, where you come from, how you know that PA is what you want to do and WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AS A PA. It's not indulgent, it's like introducing yourself. It's showing them you can communicate. It's important that your PS be about YOU.

 

And I was trying to make a parallel of a "journey", starting with Che's ending with mine. Cheesy? Yea that is cheesy, I just decided.

Are there any good parts?

 

This is a plain bad idea. Che's journey was one in which medicine was incidental to later activities. You have to divorce yourself from that. Unless there is some really interesting third world medical/social work that you've done (that would be GREAT to put in a PS) there isn't any more than a superficial and sappy relation between your journey and Che's. SRSLY.

 

You can be inspired by hist story of compassion, but you need to look to your own experience and find examples of your own compassion. That's what you can bring to your narrative. Remember, the reason for an adventure is 1/10th as interesting as the adventure itself.