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[SouthDakotaKid]

I really don't know if I like how this flows together. This is my very first rough draft. I am new here so if I should go get it revised and edited from people I know first I can do that. I copy and pasted this from a word document so maybe that's not the best either.

 

I am trying to cover all aspects (my HCE, my extracurriculars, my background, etc.)  But I just don't if it flows well. Any and all criticisms appreciated!

 

 

 

 

For as long as I can remember, the little boy that grew up in the small town of Canistota, SD has wanted to study medicine. I was always engaging with neighbors, teachers and friends about anything and everything. My mother reminded me recently that from a young age she knew that her son was a “people person.” A lot of things have changed with me since I was that little boy in Canistota but my passion for using my gifts to help others has remained. In order to confirm my decision to pursue a career as a health care provider, I needed to submerge myself in a setting that could support my interest in medicine and I took a position as patient care technician on the brain and spine unit of Avera McKennan Hospital. I’ve had a hunch for a couple years now that becoming a physician assistant (PA) is my dream occupation but a couple months ago I became certain that this path is intended for me.

Maria had been living in the Midwest for 9 months after spending the previous part of her life in a small village in Guatemala. She spoke no English, could not read in English or Spanish and had been diagnosed with neurocysticercosis, a parasitic disease affecting the nervous system, and her family had little money or means of transportation to come see her. I rarely get to utilize my Spanish-speaking skills so I jumped at this opportunity. For the past 2 months, Maria has been in the brain and spine unit and I’ll never forget the first time I spoke to her. I simply told her that I speak a little Spanish and wanted to know if she needed anything. Her eyes lit up and with a big smile on her face; she asked me if I could get her some Jell-O. A simple request but it was much more than that, she finally had someone to talk to. One of the PAs walked in when I was talking with her and was ecstatic to have me in there to translate to her, the PA filled me in on what was going on with Maria and answered my questions with great passion. The physicians are willing to answer a question if I ask but I know how busy they are and even if it’s not intentional, they don’t seem to have time to engage in those conversations. The PA I spoke with made me realize the importance of all the moving parts needed to assemble a successful health team.

Growing up, I thought I always wanted to be a doctor. I came into college thinking that’s what I wanted to be. I was interested in the analytical aspects of medicine and being able to diagnose patients appealed to me, which eliminated being a nurse. The ultimate reason I chose to pursue a career as a PA over a physician is because of the flexibility that a PA has. PAs can switch specialties where a physician would need to start a new residency. I love to learn new things and tackle new challenges and becoming a physician assistant allows me to do those things.

Along with my experience in a hospital, I have taken on leadership roles and had academic success at the University of South Dakota. I have maintained a competitive GPA while balancing work, school and maintaining a social life. During my sophomore year, I joined a group called Alternative Week of Off-Campus Learning (AWOL.) This program sends groups of students on trips across the country and internationally to serve communities and learn about issues that they face. I was fortunate enough to go on two separate trips, one as a participant and one as a site leader. These volunteer opportunities had a positive impact on everyone involved. I hope to leave that kind of positive impact on my patients in the future.

I have worked at Avera for the past 3 months and I have volunteered at Sanford Children’s hospital for the past 3 summers. I have learned many things from these experiences but the biggest thing I have learned, is that I love patient care. I can’t recall a certain moment in my life when I made the decision to pursue a career in health care, but I am grateful that my journey through life has led me here.

[gere7404]

All the do's and don'ts of personal essays I've read say not to do what you did in your intro, ie along the likes of "my mom told me I should do this since I was 5."

[PS_editor]

For as long as I can remember, the little boy that grew up in the small town of Canistota, SD has wanted to study medicine. Cliche opening. I was always engaging with neighbors, teachers and friends about anything and everything. My mother reminded me recently that from a young age she knew that her son was a “people person.” A lot of things have changed with me since I was that little boy in Canistota but my passion for using my gifts to help others has remained. Your second, third, and fourth sentence could and should be condensed into 1-2 sentences. It gets rid of fluff and gets to the point faster. Right now there is not a good, clear connection between you being a people person and wanting to help other people.  In order to confirm my decision to pursue a career as a health care provider, I needed to submerge myself in a setting that could support my interest in medicine and I took a position as patient care technician on the brain and spine unit of Avera McKennan Hospital. Wordy, check your grammar here I’ve had a hunch for a couple years now that becoming a physician assistant (PA) is my dream occupation but a couple months ago I became certain that this path is intended for me. check grammar. Again, taking 2-3 sentences to say something you could have written in one. Overall very weak intro

 

Maria had been living in the Midwest for 9 months after spending the previous part of her life in a small village in Guatemala. abrupt transition She spoke no English, could not read in English or Spanish and had been diagnosed with neurocysticercosis, a parasitic disease affecting the nervous system, and her family had little money or means of transportation to come see her. run-on sentence I rarely get to utilize my Spanish-speaking skills so I jumped at this opportunity. For the past 2 months, Maria has been in the brain and spine unit and I’ll never forget the first time I spoke to her. I simply told her that I speak a little Spanish and wanted to know if she needed anything. Her eyes lit up and with a big smile on her face; incorrect semicolon use she asked me if I could get her some Jell-O. A simple request but it was much more than that, she finally had someone to talk to. grammar One of the PAs walked in when I was talking with her and was ecstatic to have me in there to translate to her, the PA filled me in on what was going on with Maria and answered my questions with great passion. a bit dramatic, maybe say it was clear the PA was very passionate about her patients The physicians are willing to answer a question if I ask but I know how busy they are and even if it’s not intentional, they don’t seem to have time to engage in those conversations. grammar. run-on sentence. poor structure. The PA I spoke with made me realize the importance of all the moving parts needed to assemble a successfulhealth team.

 

Growing up, I thought I always wanted to be a doctor. I came into college thinking that’s what I wanted to be. I was interested in the analytical aspects of medicine and being able to diagnose patients appealed to me, which eliminated being a nurse. stay away from even the possibility of being negative towards other professions. Not even sure you should bring up that you "always wanted to be a doctor." Just talk about: 1) you know what a PA does, 2) why you want to be a PA, and 3) you have the experience to back those two points up The ultimate reason I chose to pursue a career as a PA over a physician is because of the flexibility that a PA has. PAs can switch specialties where a physician would need to start a new residency. I love to learn new things and tackle new challenges and becoming a physician assistant allows me to do those things. Is this really the "ultimate" reason you chose to be a PA?

 

Along with my experience in a hospital, I have taken on leadership roles and had academic success at the University of South Dakota. I have maintained a competitive GPA while balancing work, school and maintaining a social life. During my sophomore year, I joined a group called Alternative Week of Off-Campus Learning (AWOL.) This program sends groups of students on trips across the country and internationally to serve communities and learn about issues that they face. I was fortunate enough to go on two separate trips, one as a participant and one as a site leader. These volunteer opportunities had a positive impact on everyone involved.be more specific. if you're going to use precious space in your PS to talk about volunteering, make it worth it I hope to leave that kind of positive impact on my patients in the future.

I have worked at Avera for the past 3 months and I have volunteered at Sanford Children’s hospital for the past 3 summers. I have learned many things from these experiences but the biggest thing I have learned, is that I love patient care. I can’t recall a certain moment in my life when I made the decision to pursue a career in health care, but I am grateful that my journey through life has led me here. abrupt, weak closing.

 

Overall I think this PS has potential but still needs a lot of work. Your grammar is *extremely* lacking. Your intro is very weak ("I'm a people person and I like helping people" is extremely common), and half of it is basically fluff. Your experience working as a Spanish translator is awesome, and I would spend a lot more time talking about your interactions with Spanish-speaking patients and PAs. Remember the point of a PS is to prove you know what PAs do, show that you have experience, and convince the reader that you truly want to be a PA. It is not a check-off list for your resume.