Almost ready to submit, any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[xomelanie]

                                                                                                          Personal Statement Draft

 

Essay Topic: In the space provided write a brief statement expressing your motivation or desire to become a physician assistant.

Maximum Length: 5,000 Characters

Characters: 5,434

 

My life began in Caracas, Venezuela at the Metropolitana Hospital and it almost ended there. From the day I was born, most of my time was spent within the cold walls of a hospital room. It took multiple tests to figure out what was wrong with me: why I would not eat, why I was always sick. Intravenous fluids were the only things keeping me alive. Although I do not recall this experience, it is something that followed me for the rest of my life. Every time my grandmother visits, she tells the story in Spanish, “I would place you in the bathtub with flour in hopes to distract you while I attempted to sneak a spoonful of food in your mouth. I did everything for you to be able to survive and I am so grateful you are alive. You will never understand that feeling.” I hug her and smile, “Thanks to you grandma, I am fine now.” When I was two, my parents desperately took me to Boston Children’s Hospital and discovered my severe lactose, sugar and gluten intolerance.  After undergoing extensive treatments, I finally began to enjoy a normal childhood.

    While my health continued to improve,  my grandmother’s medical issues worsened. My grandmother suffered from life-threatening melanomas on her face, leaving her disfigured from multiple surgeries. She rarely goes outside and never joins us on vacations because the sun is her worst enemy. Finding my passion for medicine early in life,  I was lucky enough to intern with the Dermatology Research and Practice Scholars at Dermatology Associates of Tallahassee. I was taught to use Photodynamic Therapy to rid patients of precancerous lesions and immediately on my way home that day, it hit me. I told my grandmother about the treatment and her visit could not come soon enough. I had the privilege of performing the procedure on her.  Her eyes lit up as she watched me in scrubs, applying the medicine on her face gently, and holding her hand during the procedure. A tear came down her face as she thanked me. In that moment, I realized how much I am able to impact a person’s life.

My grandmother was not the only patient that made an enormous impact on my life. As a Patient Care Assistant at Tallahassee Memorial, I assist patients with daily activities such as bathing, feeding and hygiene, ones that are no longer as effortless as they once were. I still remember shedding tears as one of my stroke patients, expressed in disjointed speech how sad it is that she could not verbally express her thoughts due to her stroke. “I loved to talk,” she cried. As I held her hand, I tried to fight back the tears and reassure her that I would be there for her. Every patient I cared for left an imprint in my heart, instilling in me the values of care and compassion and how important these are to the well-being of patients. They have motivated me to study harder, to serve more compassionately and to work relentlessly.

    Patients were not the only people to impact my life. Several physician assistants helped me to realize I could care for people as a career. During my frequent visits to the dermatologist, it was Michelle L. Baechle, PA-C, whom I spent my visits with. It was through her that I first heard of the profession. Not only did Mrs. Baechle treat my acne but she was there for me when I experienced a sudden loss of hair. The doctor diagnosed it as alopecia areata, but she gave me the support I needed when the painful needles were inserted into my scalp. I looked forward to her many visits and more significantly, the visit where I would tell her that I wanted to become a PA. Tristan Hasbargen, a dermatology PA I observed, allowed me to witness patients’ joy as their skin cancers were removed in just a few minutes. As Tristan removed the skin cancer and placed sutures, I was impressed by the vast amount of responsibility and independence a PA could have. It was heart-warming to observe the relationships that are formed and how much his patients truly appreciated him. They have showed me the kind of practitioner I want to be: one that is supportive, caring and knowledgable.

Passion and perseverance eventually allowed me to accept my position as a Clinical Assistant Student at Dermatology Associates for Angela Franz, PA-C. Entrusted by the team of doctors, she supervises the Cosmetic Center, providing photodynamic therapy for precancerous lesions lasers for various skin conditions such as rosacea, Botox and many other treatments that allow patients to regain their confidence. I am able to assess these patients, give options for treatment and refer back to the PA. I am able to witness the autonomy she possesses but also the assistance that is provided by the doctors in the practice if needed. It brings me joy to see these patients’ conditions and self-image improve simultaneously. Seeing these conditions firsthand, I find passion in spreading awareness on skin care and skin cancer prevention.

All of these experiences, the patients I had the pleasure to care for and the physician assistants I worked closely with, shaped me into who I am today. These combined reaffirmed my passion for helping others and my love for knowledge and left me with supreme confidence and immense joy in the path I chose as an aspiring physician assistant. This career will allow me a good balance of autonomy, flexibility and knowledge to care for patients. I am confident that one day I will be the one changing the lives of others as mine once was.

 

Other conclusion ideas:

• After surviving my infancy thanks to the intelligence and innovation of the medical community, I am excited to pursue a career that will change the lives of others in the same way that clinicians and my grandmother changed mine.

• I finally understand the feeling my grandmother felt as she tenaciously attempted every possible form to save me, and I am confident that I will treat every patient the  same way my grandmother did for me, with relentless effort and compassion.

• y in every single one of my patients and receive the same rewarding feeling knowing that I was able to impact someone else’s life.

• The experiences I had throughout my lifetime helped to reaffirm my passion for helping others, my love for knowledge and left me with supreme and imense joy in the path I chose as an aspiring physician assistant, a career in which I can find an outstanding balance of autonomy, flexibility and knowledge in order to care for patients, while still finding time for the family that cares so much for me.

• Having experience in cardiology and dermatology, shadowing plastics and orthopedics I am excited to learn about different fields….

 

My concerns:

• Does my essay adequately explain WHY I  want to be a PA?

• Does it need comparisons as to why I dont want to be a doctor or nurse or np or any other field?

• Do I come across as mature, compassionate, intelligent, responsible, knowledgeable, skillfull, passionate, experienced... etc?

• Does the essay capture your interest? Make you want to keep reading throughout?

• What needs to be cut out and condensed?

• Does it flow?

• Is there organization/ order of ideas or is there a better way?

• Any unanswered questions or anything missing?

 

 

 

[ashleyguastella]

Some positives:

-I really enjoyed the tone of your writing.  It flows well.

-I do believe you come across as compassionate, responsible, and intelligent but I liked that you come across that way because you give examples of your patient interactions.  I am allowed to draw my own conclusions on your abilities from your story and not because you listed your attributes for me.

 

In terms of the length issue:

-Maybe consider limiting the two dermatological experiences to one?  The beginning gives us an example of when you were a patient, so cutting out the 2nd example of when you were a patient may not change the statement much and will get you under the length requirement.

 

Best of luck!

[xomelanie]

ashleyguastella,

 

Thank you so much for your feedback! I agree and I was thinking to cut out the same thing. I really appreciate your time.

Best of luck to you too! And if you need me to read yours I will be more than glad to!

[Topsy]

My life began in Caracas, Venezuela at the Metropolitana Hospital and it almost ended there. My life almost ended exactly where it began - in a hositpal in Caracas, Venezuela. From the day I was born, most of my time was spent within the cold walls of a hospital room, . It took undergoing multiple tests to figure out what was wrong with me: discern why I would not eat and why I was always sick. Intravenous fluids were the only things keeping me alive. (how long were you on IVFs? was Grandma feeding you while you were in the hospital? or is the bathtub filled with flour only came into play after the docs sent you home?) Although I do not recall this experience, it is something that followed me for the rest of my life. every time my grandmother visits, she tells the story in Spanish, “I would place you in the bathtub with flour in hopes to distract you while I attempted to sneak a spoonful of food in your mouth. I did everything for you to be able to survive and I am so grateful you are alive. You will never understand that feeling.” I hug her and smile, “Thanks to you, (insert comma here) Grandma, I am fine now.” When I was two, my parents desperately Eventually, my parents took me to Boston Children’s Hospital and discovered my severe lactose, sugar and gluten intolerance.  After undergoing extensive treatments, I finally began to enjoy a normal childhood.

    While my health continued to improve,  my grandmother’s medical issues worsened. (nice transition!) My grandmother suffered from life-threatening facial melanomas on her face, leaving her disfigured from multiple surgeries. She rarely goes outside and never joins us on vacations because the sun is her worst enemy (change this "her worst enemy" to a non-cliche phrase. also, why is this sentence suddenly in present tense?). Finding my passion for medicine early in life,  I was lucky enough to Luckily, at that time I began an internship with the Dermatology Research and Practice Scholars at (cut this out to cut down on characters) Dermatology Associates of Tallahassee. I was taught (passive; change to active voice) to use Photodynamic Therapy to rid patients of precancerous lesions and immediately on my way home that day, it hit me. I told my grandmother about the treatment and her visit could not come soon enough. I had the privilege of performing the procedure on for her.  Her eyes lit up as she watched me in scrubs,  As I applied the medicine gently on her face, gently, and holding her hand during the procedure.  a tear came down her face rolled down her cheek as she held my hand and thanked me. In that moment, I realized how much I am able to impact a person’s life. (I feel like this is a missed opportunity - instead of vaguely saying impact a person's life, try something that conveys you were able to reciprocate the treatment that were once so lucky to receive. it'll convey that you are humble, mature, and grateful)

My grandmother was not the only patient that made an enormous impact on my life. As a Patient Care Assistant at Tallahassee Memorial, I assist patients with daily activities such as bathing, feeding and hygiene, ones that are no longer as effortless as they once were. I still remember shedding tears as one of my stroke patients, expressed in disjointed speech how sad it is that she could not verbally express her thoughts due to her stroke. “I loved to talk,” she cried. As I held her hand, I tried to fight back the tears (you sure tell a lot of stories that involve tears and hand holding...) and reassure her that I would be there for her. Every patient I cared for left an imprint in my heart, instilling in me the values of care and compassion and how important these are to the well-being of patients. They have motivated me to study harder, to serve more compassionately and to work relentlessly. (this anecdote isn't...good...or bad...just meh. I would cut this paragraph out except the last 2 sentences, but move them down to the conclusion instead)

    Patients were not the only people to impact my life (weak transition). Several physician assistants helped me to realize I could care for people as a career. During my frequent visits to the dermatologist, it was Michelle L. Baechle, PA-C, whom I spent my visits with. It was through her that I first heard of the profession. Not only did Mrs. Baechle treat my acne but she was there for me when I experienced a sudden loss of hair. The doctor diagnosed it as alopecia areata, but she gave me the support I needed when the painful needles were inserted into my scalp (again, is this a missed opportunity? instead of saying support in general, frame it in a way that shows she had true empathy - knowing how acne could make a young lady feel self-conscious, but alopecia on top of that?? surely she had some kind words to tell a young, impressionable person concepts regarding self-image, self-esteem, etc. I would stick with describing your interactions with her to expand upon the supportive, caring, and knowledgeable traits that PAs hold). I looked forward to her many visits and more significantly, the visit where I would tell her that I wanted to become a PA. Tristan Hasbargen, a dermatology PA I observed, allowed me to witness patients’ joy as their skin cancers were removed in just a few minutes. As Tristan removed the skin cancer and placed sutures, I was impressed by the vast amount of responsibility and independence a PA could have. It was heart-warming to observe the relationships that are formed and how much his patients truly appreciated him. They have showed me the kind of practitioner I want to be: one that is supportive, caring and knowledgable.

Passion and perseverance eventually allowed me to accept my position as a Clinical Assistant Student at Dermatology Associates for Angela Franz, PA-C. Entrusted by the team of doctors, she supervises the Cosmetic Center, providing photodynamic therapy for precancerous lesions lasers for various skin conditions such as rosacea, Botox and many other treatments that allow patients to regain their confidence. I am able to assess these patients, give options for treatment and refer back to the PA. I am able to witness the autonomy she possesses but also the assistance that is provided by the doctors in the practice if needed. It brings me joy to see these patients’ conditions and self-image improve simultaneously. Seeing these conditions firsthand, I find passion in spreading awareness on skin care and skin cancer prevention. (again, I don't think this good...or bad... it just doesn't really add much. I think you could get rid of the whole paragraph, especially if you really hone in and develop a very specific story regarding PA Michelle.)

All of these experiences, the patients I had the pleasure to care for and the physician assistants I worked closely with, shaped me into who I am today. These combined reaffirmed my passion for helping others and my love for knowledge and left me with supreme confidence and immense joy in the path I chose as an aspiring physician assistant. This career will allow me a good balance of autonomy, flexibility and knowledge to care for patients. I am confident that one day I will be the one changing the lives of others as mine once was. (do you specifically want to do derm? perhaps mention that here?)

 

overall, not bad at all. good flow. captivating intro without being overly dramatic. very easy ready that conveys maturity and thoughtfulness. very genuine.

 

this might sound a bit hokey, but maybe think about what it could mean to be a PA in the big picture. not the autonomy and flexibility and over-used words like that. from your anecdote I felt that not only do I have an idea of who you are, but you sound like a person who wants to...share? reciprocate? give back? ummm... like the idea that you are grateful to have been cared for in a time of great vulnerability and you'd like to bring that feeling to others. I mean, that's the message that I got from reading your PS, but perhaps I'm reading to much into it.

 

maybe I'm just kind of torn from the advice that the 2nd year PA-S have been peppering with me all this week (I'm a first year PA starting this month). they all keep on talking about studying this and memorizing that, and tests and stress and all this small crap. and I couldn't help but think to myself today, how come not one student has mentioned the bigger picture of things: yes, it's hard. yes you have to memorize these things. why? because people's lives will be in your hands. people's lives will be in your hands. just a thought. (am I the only one who is awe-inspired/humbled by that thought?)

[xomelanie]

TOPSY,

I wrote you a long thank you but It got deleted ! Anyways I wanted to say thank you! I never received such great criticism than yours. I agree with all of your comments and some of them I even had in mind, but never went through with changing them. I want to thank you for your time and advice. I greatly appreciate it! I will work on editing it!!

 

THANKS AGAIN!

[xomelanie]

Can anyone else help me with my order and organization? Should I switch around paragraphs??

[Topsy]

No problem! Let me know if you ave other drafts that you'd like me to check out. I'd be more than happy to do so

[xomelanie]

Personal Statement Revision 2

 

Essay Topic: In the space provided write a brief statement expressing your motivation or desire to become a physician assistant.

Maximum Length: 5,000 Characters

Characters: 5,120

 

My life almost ended exactly where it began - in Metropolitana Hospital in Caracas, Venezuela. From the day I was born, most of my time was spent within the cold walls of a hospital room. It took multiple tests to figure out what was wrong with me: why I would not eat, why I was always sick. Intravenous fluids were the only things keeping me alive. Although I do not recall this experience, it is something that followed me for the rest of my life. Every time my grandmother visits, she tells the story in Spanish, “I would place you in the bathtub with flour in hopes to distract you while I attempted to sneak a spoonful of food in your mouth. I did everything for you to be able to survive and I am so grateful you are alive. You will never understand that feeling.” I hug her and smile, “Thanks to you, grandma, I am fine now.” When I was two, my parents desperately took me to Boston Children’s Hospital and discovered my severe lactose, sugar and gluten intolerance.  After undergoing extensive treatments, I finally began to enjoy a normal childhood.

While my health continued to improve, my grandmother’s medical issues worsened. My grandma suffered from life-threatening melanomas on her face, leaving her disfigured from multiple surgeries. She rarely goes outside and never joins us on vacations because the sun is her worst enemy. Luckily at that time, I began an internship with Dermatology Associates of Tallahassee. I learned about Photodynamic Therapy to rid patients of precancerous lesions. Immediately on my way home that day, it hit me. I told my grandmother about the treatment and her visit could not come soon enough. I had the privilege of performing the procedure on her.  Her eyes lit up as she watched me in scrubs, applying the medicine on her face gently, and holding her hand during the procedure. A tear came down her face as she thanked me. I was so grateful to be able to reciprocate the same treatment I was once so lucky to receive. In that moment, I realized the feeling she described to me and I searched for a way to find this feeling over and over.

I dedicated my college years to studying medicine and trying to figure out which career would be best for me. I recalled during my frequent visits to the dermatologist, it was Physician Assistant Mrs. Baechle whom I spent my visits with. It was through her that I first heard of the profession. Not only did she treat my acne but she was there for me when I experienced a sudden loss of hair. The doctor diagnosed it as alopecia areata, but she gave me the support I needed when the painful needles were inserted into my scalp. I looked forward to her many visits where we would catch up on my life and schooling, and more significantly, the visit where I would tell her that I wanted to become a PA. Looking to gain more insight into this career Mr.Hasbargen, a dermatology PA I observed, allowed me to witness patients’ joy as their skin cancers were removed in just a few minutes. As he removed the skin cancer and placed sutures, I was impressed by the vast amount of responsibility and independence a PA could have. It was heart-warming to observe the relationships that are formed and how much his patients truly appreciated him. Both of these PAs showed me the kind of practitioner I want to be: one that is supportive, caring and knowledgeable.

Passion and perseverance allowed me to accept my position as a Clinical Assistant Student at Dermatology Associates for Angela Franz, PA-C. Entrusted by the team of doctors, she supervises the Cosmetic Center, providing photodynamic therapy for precancerous lesions, lasers for various skin conditions such as rosacea, Botox and many other treatments that allow patients to regain their confidence. I am able to assess these patients, give options for treatment and refer back to the PA. I am able to witness the autonomy she possesses but also the assistance that is provided by the doctors in the practice if needed. It brings me joy to see these patients’ conditions and self-image improve simultaneously and I find passion in spreading awareness on skin care and skin cancer prevention.

Also working as a Patient Care Assistant at Tallahassee Memorial, I am able to assist patients with daily activities, ones that are no longer as effortless as they once were. Watching one of my patients be able to walk again, while another recover from a quadruple bypass surgery, gives me such joy. Every patient I cared for left an imprint in my heart, instilling in me the values of care and compassion and how important these are to the well-being of patients. They motivated me to study harder, to serve more compassionately and to work relentlessly.

All of these experiences, the patients I had the pleasure to care for and the physician assistants I worked closely with, shaped me into who I am today. These combined reaffirmed my passion for helping others and my love for knowledge and left me with supreme confidence and immense joy in the path I chose as an aspiring physician assistant. I am confident that one day I will be changing the lives of others as mine once was.

 

*(with the same determination and resilience as my grandmother did for me?)

*I am confident that I will treat every patient the  same way my grandmother did for me, with relentless effort and compassion.

* Am i missing why I want to be a PA specifically?

* Should I add in about learning abotu diff fields and that is the attractice aspect of PA, just add in how now I can notice derm conditions on my pts at hospital or notice heart medications in my derm pt files, plus ive shadowed orthopedis and plastic surgery...

[katie123]

I really like how you transition from one paragraph to the next...the flow is very good and keeps the reader engaged. 

[katie123]

And I also like how your closing paragraph ties back to the opening one---good job! I'm hoping mine will turn out well...