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PLEASE HELP! Personal Statement any criticism/feedback welcome!

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As I walked into the patient’s room it felt like any other normal day. The patient looked very peaceful sleeping in the bed, or so I thought. As I tried to wake the patient, I quickly realized that he was not going to wake up; I started screaming for help just as a handful of nurses ran into the room. I had to push the dreaded blue button.As the nurses started compressions, I ran out of the room to get the vitals machine and the EKG machine.I stood on the sidelines ready to grab anything they needed in a moment’s notice, hoping that the patient would pull through. Shortly after, an influx of doctors and rapid nurses all started to come into the room and assess what was going on. I remember all of them having such a calm and collected attitude. I thought to myself: “I want to be that person, I want to be the one saving people. I want to be the person who is calling the shots. The person who knows how to solve the problem before anyone else.”


In my experiences at Lahey, I have witnessed quite a few code blues and many tense situations. I believe that these experiences have helped me to understand what it’s like to be in a high pressure situation and have prepared me for what is to come in my future career. I have always thrived in an environment where I am constantly being challenged. Fitting the pieces back together is something I enjoy. As a PA, I will have the opportunity to diagnose someone and figure out what the next move is to help him/her get better.


Unfortunately, like many children now, my parents got divorced when I was very young. Growing up, my mom was the main influence in my life which may have been part of the reason I was always interested in the medical field. She worked at a hospital in the Ophthalmology Clinic and  would sometimes bring me to work with her if we didn’t have a babysitter. I remember she had these books with pictures of the retina, optic nerve and other parts of the eye. I would look at them for hours intrigued by their beauty. At the time I didn’t know that I would end up having such a strong passion for the medical field, but I am glad I grew up still having an interest.


Why do I want to become a PA? Well, I can’t say that it has been my dream for as long as I can remember. I can say however, that since high school I have always known that I wanted to work in the medical field. I remember taking anatomy my senior year and being fascinated with everything we were learning; I was eager to learn more from that class on. I must say I stumbled through my freshman year of college; like most of the students, I wasn’t really sure what path I wanted to take. At first, I thought physical therapy because I loved sports and thought it would be interesting to treat athletes. I quickly realized that physical therapy was not the right career for me. It was too slow paced and repetitive. After I shadowed the PA, I knew that I would be faced with new obstacles every day and that was something that excited me and drove me to the conclusion that a PA was the right fit.


I like to explore new things and learn new things every day. I don’t want to be constrained to just one subject. When I discovered the PA profession my sophomore year, I was eager to learn more. I thrive in a collaborative environment. Having played competitive sports my entire life, I am used to working on a team. Working well together was one of the main team goals in order to ensure fluidity throughout our games and practices. Also, at the hospital I work very closely with the nurses and maintaining a good relationship with them is key in order to ensure the best care for the patients.

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Essay seems a bit jumpy and I never fully understood your role in the hospital. We're you a CNA, techician, transporter etc.


I would work on transition between paragraphs, and why you'd want to become a PA, other than "fascination" in medicine. It's been said many times before. Try to make your experience shine in your essay with what you were able to do for patients.


Good start though!


Just adding my two cents :)


Best of luck in your journey!




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I think this is a good start, but a couple things that jumped out to me: 


I think you could take out the paragraph about your parents, which would eliminate some of the jumping around in the essay. 

Is there another way you can word your "why you want to be a PA" paragraph. Can you answer it without having to ask the question?

Lastly, I think you might need a stronger conclusion. The last sentence seems to abruptly end, it feels like there would be another sentence or two.


Just my input! Sounding good so far though :)


Good luck!

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I would have to agree with the previous posts, I'm initially curious on what role your functioning in the code room, and it never becomes clear. I kinda left me hanging without an explanation, by the sounds of it you work in the hospital, could you maybe elaborate on your dealings with  in the hospital PA's as well? Good luck!

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