First draft-critique away!

[tommyding]

Hi, this is my first draft, its very raw at the moment ( especially the last paragraph which i wrote completely unfiltered), and i think theres alot of tweeking i can do with it.

any suggestions and critiques would be much appreciated!

 

 

 

“BIOPSY!” The attending physician yelled as the endoscope’s camera showed a pooling of undigested food closing off the gastroesophageal junction of my little sister’s esophagus. As my fellow medical assistant rushed to grab the biopsy forceps, nearby objects and unrecognizable words begin to fade into the distance. I desperately clinged onto Caitlyn’s jaw, holding it in place while frantically looking back and forth between her calm, lifeless face and the endoscope camera. The next thing I knew, I was alone with her in the recovery area, holding onto her hand as tears were rolling down my face. The procedure was over but the anesthesia hadn’t worn off yet, and my sister was diagnosed with achalasia. It was a condition in which the muscles of the lower esophageal sphincter are unable to relax, causing difficulties for entry of food into the stomach. Fortunately, due to the quickness and precision of the diagnosis, Caitlyn made a full recovery after a subsequent laparoscopic surgery during which a piece of the sphincter muscle was cut off. She quickly gained back the 20 pounds she had lost during her time of illness, and I make sure it’s there every time I hug her.

In the prior 5 months before that eventful day, I was perfectly content working as a gastroenterology surgical assistant. Being immersed in the healthcare world, the words responsibility, compassion, focus and composure changed from just ideas into actions as I served alongside doctors, PAs, and nurses who worked selflessly together as a cohesive group to provide quality healthcare to the underserved Flushing population. In the procedure room where a few seconds can have a tremendous impact on the outlook of an ill patient, I learned to multitask, prioritize, and master instruments such as snare biopsies and tattoo injectors as if they were a third hand. In the recovery area, I was compelled to make sure every patient completely understood the results of their procedures, and safely left the facility with assurance and ease. Working as a medical assistant was truly a rewarding experience, and I thought that to myself often as I fell asleep on the bus ride home, being completely spent and knowing that I had made a positive impact to my community.  However, after the experience with my sister’s illness, I knew that if I wanted to make a larger impact, I needed to further expand my medical repertoire and seek more knowledge. 

I want to be a PA because I know I’d make a damn good one. I’m ready. I’ve been through the trials and tribulations and I understand where my heart is. I just need an opportunity to obtain the knowledge, which I know I can do with absolute success. I’ve persevered through my immature beginnings in college, where I ended freshmen year with a 2.1 GPA. Through hard work and sacrifice, I am applying for PA school with a 3.5 science GPA. When I sit absolutely exhausted after a hard day of work with procedures, feeling as if nothing would get me out of my seat, I realized this is the career that will push me to become a better person. I got up from my seat. I continuously got up day in and day out because there was a patient waiting for me in the discharge area, waiting for comfort and assurance, and providing that to him or her was more intrinsically rewarding than anything else in the world. I know with absolute certainty that through my academic and medical experiences, I possess the necessary tools and values to be a success as a great PA. I am mentally ready, and desire to take up the role of a medical provider, a man of responsibility to my community, a student and a mentor, working under and simultaneously in parallel with physicians, while also being a positive role model for those who want to follow in the same footsteps towards greatness, and ultimately make my mark on humanity.

[cordelia*8]

Clung, not clinged. It was confusing that you inferred that you were an MA, but your role in the room at that moment was as a brother, not a medical professional. The "got up from my seat" part is awkward.

I liked your essay till I got to the last paragraph; sounds (perhaps) overly confident. There are a lot of cocky assholes applying to medical programs--don't be one of them. Admissions committees are looking for people who want to learn, not those who think they know it all already.

[DiggySRNA]

Hi, this is my first draft, its very raw at the moment ( especially the last paragraph which i wrote completely unfiltered), and i think theres alot of tweeking i can do with it.

any suggestions and critiques would be much appreciated!

 

I want to be a PA because I know I’d make a damn good one.

 

What o_O a bit aggressive there. There is a fine line between humbleness and cockiness. BTW, that is not an adequate explanation of why you would make a good PA.

 

An individual who is compassionate, humble, and dedicated makes a good PA. Not a person who says they are good.  An individual who do things not within their job description is a good medical professional (ie a phlebotomist who bathes a patient, because the patient asked...makes a good clinician).  

 

I hope you get where I am going with this.

 

 

PS: first impression is key. Filter your language because you will be dealing with patients and medical team members eventually. And you don't want to be THAT guy.

[tommyding]

thanks for the suggestions! I agree that the last paragraph is a bit on the overconfident side and I will try to change it to make it more presentable to the intended audience.