1st draft- please critique

[Abord]

Hey guys,

 

So this is my first attempt at writing my person statement and wanted some feedback. I just read the PS advise topic and know I'm going to need to tweak this essay to avoid some clichés. Thanks in advance for all the constructive criticism.

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I never enjoyed going to the doctor, as I always associated doctors with bad news. As I sat in the examination room, I wondered if I would like this doctor compared to my previous one. Debating this, I was met by a man with a monotone voice who was trying to explain a test to me, however, he was too technical in his explanation. I was schedule to come in for another test in two weeks. When I returned two weeks later I was seen Melissa, the physician assistant at my doctor's office. Melissa was the complete opposite of my doctor. She wasn't too technical and always made sure I understood everything she told me. Her tone made me feel like she cared about my well-being as well as the service she provided me as her patient. I am grateful for meeting Melissa because she sparked my interest in becoming a PA.

 

Sometimes I think that although my childhood was considered "abnormal" by a few social workers, the damaged pieces fell perfectly in place when I discovered what I wanted to do with my life. Before I turned thirteen these same social workers believed that what I considered a basic value of helping others was actually me missing out on childhood. Although my parents and my three older brothers and I lived through poverty, we managed to support each other every day throughout my "absent childhood." While everyone in my family fell apart when my mother passed away in 2005, I felt her support and encouragement that she had given me intensified in her absence. I felt obligated to straighten up my act to prove to her as well as to everyone who doubted me that the values I was taught would help me succeed in life

 

My mother was one of my biggest influences while I was growing up, and without her I might have not developed into the person I am today. She instilled into me principles that will help me become a great PA. She isn't the only reason I want to pursue a career as a PA; other people encouraged me and steered me in this direction

           

I started researching the career and the more I looked the more appealing the job became to me. I went to my friend's father, who works as a surgical PA and interviewed him as about what it means to be a PA.  He talked about how each PA can have a different focus or specialty, but their goal is the same: to provide quality medical care and to have the ability to properly diagnose and treat a patient.  At the end of the interview, he gave me a bit of advice. I remember him saying, "This job is more then just the medicine, it is about providing a service and making sure that you have done everything you could for the patient." I started looking into local clinics and hospitals for shadowing positions but when I turned up empty handed I searched for alternative training in the medicine field.

I first became basic life support certified, and then became an emergency medical technician, which I am using to secure direct patient care hours. I did not stop there; I took a basic rhythms course, where I learn to recognize basic ECG rhythms. I was hooked; I wanted to learn as much as I could, and to be knowable where I could secure an internship, or a job working with a PA. Recently, I accepted a job as a Nursing assistant at a local hospital. I work on a medical-surgery unit, and I am responsible for basic direct patient care. Moreover, this job has also expose me to a electrical patient health record program, which I used for documentation.

 

My experience as an emergency medical technician has taught me many skills that will help me with my goal of studying as a Physician Assistant. The most important of these skills is my ability to think critically.  As an emergency medical technician, critical thinking can mean life or death for a patient. This skill has been refined over the last year and has helped me as I worked in emergency medical service at my college. There have been time were I would arrive on a call and know immediately that I need to take measure in order to stabilize my patient, such as breathing for the patient, using suction, knowing the signs of a stoke, or hypoglycemic shock, and of course providing optimism quality of CPR.

 

I believe I understand what it means to be a physician assistant. The lesson I have learned from my mother, Melissa, and my friend's father has taught me that. It is more than just prescribing medicine, ordering tests, and performing procedures. It is also about caring, being an effective listener, being able to communicate with individual patients and their loved ones knowing all of this will help me exceed at being a successful and PA student.

 

If I had to choose one characteristic my mother instilled in me I would pick optimism. This trait has helped me throughout many hardships and struggles that I have faced since my childhood. She would often say " you are going to do great thing someday babe" and I would say " you do not know that" and her reply was always a simple " you care, that is all I need to know."

[Teacher2PAC]

Right off the bat, change the first paragraph. What you say about the doctor might come off as offensive. Remember, practicing physicians teach in many PA schools and sit on the admissions committee. Just talk about how you met Melissa. 

 

Delve into the challenges you had face growing up more and how you overcame those obstacles, and relate that to the work of a physician assistant. Also, see if you can distinguish what a PA from other medical professionals. The quote the PA you shadowed is valid, however other professions may feel that way too. 

 

This statement is a good start and interesting, but I still do not see why you want to be a PA. See if you can make that stronger. 

[paproof]

Agree with the above.  Really need to hone in on why you want to be a PA in the first place.