In need of feedback!

[seamonkeez3]

Feedback on content appreciated, including grammar, punctuation, and word usage corrections. Deadline days away, would be thankful for any input. 

 

 

 

In the ICU, I watch in fascination as the neurosurgeon manually twists a metal screw into a comatose patient’s skull. I could hear cracking noises with each turn of his hand as he tries to relieve the intracranial pressure by creating an opening for an intraventricular catheter. I later discover that the man, just a few years younger than I was, was involved in a car accident. At each consecutive shift after that day I checked his room to see if he awoke from his coma. When I inquired about his progress, I was told that he was brain dead and would likely be on life support until his family decided to pull the plug.  Several weeks later, he was no longer there. As I saw him week after week, I wanted to be actively involved in his care but was limited to my scope as a CCE (Clinical Care Extender).  I wanted to be able to read his X-rays, MRI’s, and work with the physician to develop a treatment plan or somehow improve his prognosis. This experience has strengthened my career ambition and after nearly a decade of consideration, I am now absolutely confident about my decision of becoming a PA.

 

As a freshman at UCLA, I didn’t have a concrete career plan in mind. I thought that perhaps I would go into healthcare because I enjoyed learning about the biological sciences. I then struggled through chemistry my second quarter and realized it was a significant weakness of mine. I knew that if I decided to pursue medicine, I had to have the motivation to tackle the challenges (and many chemistry courses) that lie[s1]  ahead. That motivation would come from a drive to reach goal, a career goal I had not yet firmly established. 

 

 

I first heard about the PA profession from another physician who told me that if he [s2] could change anything about his career path, he would have chose to be a PA instead of an MD. At that time, I’d never heard of the profession and began researching the role out of curiosity. I was not interested in becoming a physician and dealing with the business side of a privately owned practice or being fixed to one specialty for my entire career. I discovered that if I were to work in healthcare, a career as a physician assistant would be the perfect fit. As a PA, I could learn under the medical model and apply the acquired knowledge to directly help patients. I would be able to exercise my problem-solving skills through diagnoses and treatment plan development while having the lateral mobility to work in different specialties throughout my career. Furthermore, the emphasis placed on teamwork in the PA profession especially appealed to me as it was in direct agreement with my view of an effective patient care system. 

 

However, since I volunteered at the Alzheimer’s Disease Center and worked at the ADHD Research Center, I also developed an interest in research.  By the end of my third year at UCLA, I was torn between going into research or healthcare. I found my physiology, neuroscience, and neuroanatomy courses particularly engaging and wanted a career that involved these subjects, whether it'd be in research or as a PA in healthcare.

 

After graduation, I accepted a job in the research department of a company that published psychological assessments. I was with the company for 5 years until I began to reach a plateau- I was experienced in everything I could possibly do at the company without going back for my Ph.D.  I also realized that I seemed to be the most motivated when helping people directly as opposed to indirectly. Research satisfied my interest in the sciences, but it lacked a humanistic component. Although I contributed to general human knowledge with research, it didn’t provide direct interaction with those who benefitted from my work. If I wanted to help people directly and see tangible results, I knew I would be more content as a PA than as a Ph.D researcher. That was when I decided to leave research to pursue a master’s in physician assistant studies.

 

 

I began taking/retaking courses required for PA programs at community colleges, including that dreadful chemistry course I barely passed as an undergraduate. Now that I was absolutely certain I wanted to be a PA, I wasn’t going to let one class get in the way of my goal! With a strong focus and plan that I lacked as an undergraduate, I received an A in the course and placed in the 94^th percentile nationally on the American Chemical Society final exam.

 

 

For the past year, I have rotated through the hospital as a CCE and really enjoyed the adrenaline rush of being in the healthcare environment. It was remarkable to witness the dynamics of the patient care team and how they worked together to help each patient. This drive further reinforced my decision to attend PA school and become an active member of that collaborative patient care team I admired at the hospital. Though these experiences, I am confident [s3] that this is the profession for me and I look forward to expanding upon my interest in the medical field by pursuing a career as a physician assistant.

 [s1]Is this correct? Lied, lay??

 [s2]Does this sound weird?

 [s3]Use a different word. Word already used in para 1. 

 

[DiggySRNA]

Sounds good to me content wise.

I only have a few minor suggestions:

1. You wrote PA in the first paragraph and then wrote physician assistant in paragraph 2. You then switched back and fourth throughout the rest. Choose one form and stick to it - consistency counts. 
2. You touched about your struggles in chemistry in paragraph 2 but then again in paragraph 6. Why not combine the two in one. You want to write in a chronological order.
   • "I did not have a concrete career plan as a freshman, and as a result, I had no motivation to do well in classes like chemistry. As time progressed, I came up with a plan and I tackled chemistry again. With a new focus, I placed in the 94^th percentile on the American Chemical Society national final exam."
3. It's border line a resume style personal statement. Which is something you want to stay away from since they may have already read it and now they want to know you on a personal level.

s1: "lie ahead" since it did not occur yet.

s2: - you can clean it up and say: "I was first introduced to the PA profession through a physician who himself would choose PA over MD if given the chance again. It flows better. Then again, this shouldn't be a focus point (your own reasons have more validity). 

s3: positive? google is your best-friend when it comes to finding synonyms.

[seamonkeez3]

Thank you for the feedback umbPA!