Suggestions for condensing my narrative by 100 characters?

[MEDwar44]

Growing up at the edge of rural Appalachia, most of my friends had a pretty firm grasp of what they planned to do with their lives.  Several would join the military and leave the region; others would pursue college degrees; and the rest would never seek further formal education after high school.  But unlike them, I really didn’t know what I wanted to do.  I was casually investigating all of the seemingly endless possibilities for my future.  My parents steered me toward college, but for the first three years, my focus was primarily on having fun hanging out with my social circle rather than on academics and the classroom.  I was still maturing and thinking that things would just fall into place.  I hadn’t yet realized I was the architect of my own future.

 

Shortly after starting college, I accepted a job in the Emergency Department of our local hospital working as a tech.  Through it I got something school alone couldn’t offer: exposure to real-world, life-and-death situations.  After working for a little over a year, I was able to distinguish between the various roles and responsibilities of doctors, physician assistants, and nurses.  In the process, I soon realized that the valuable experience I was gaining on the job was helping to forge skills that were already somewhat natural to me, such as communication and teamwork – both of which are essential to providing outstanding patient care.  Furthermore, I gained a greater understanding of how teamwork directly affected the outcome of patients facing imminent life or death situations, and how important listening is to ensure effective communication amongst the team.  This is especially imperative for PAs, for they are directly responsible for conducting in-depth patient medical histories as well as for listening and responding to any questions and concerns the patient might have about their care.  I frequently used these skills as a scribe during certain trauma situations, and when necessary, learned to speak with an authoritative tone for the sake of the patient’s care.

 

Along with the work experience I was gaining, another influential force that came along unexpectedly during the winter break of my junior year began to steer me toward pursuing a career as a PA.  One night a series of bad automobile accidents resulted in a surge at the ER, and I witnessed a PA coordinating multiple traumas while the attending surgeon was busy with surgery in the operating room.  Using his medical expertise, he successfully navigated the trauma team through a series of procedures that ultimately saved the lives of both patients.  As I drove home that morning, my mind was a whirlwind of excitement and questions.  I never realized PAs were capable of being such an integral part of the team.  During his time on point, he literally had a line of residents and nurses seeking his guidance on how to approach various aspects of both patients’ care.  I also never knew PAs were prepared to do such invasive procedures as placing chest tubes, starting central lines, or intubating.  By the time I reached home, I had a clear vision for my future.  I knew for certain I wanted to be a PA!

 

When I returned to campus in the spring, I realized that if I truly wanted a career as a PA, things would have to change.  I would need to focus more in the classroom.  It would require a lot of self-sacrifice, hard work, and acceptance of the fact that I would likely encounter some setbacks and possibly even failures along the way.  I spent the summers between my remaining college years repeating classes I’d done poorly in earlier to strengthen my understanding.  I also took additional science classes after graduation to better prepare myself for PA school.  Through it all, the image of that trauma PA never left my mind and I never made anything less than an “A” from that point on.

 

That vision has never dimmed.  After caring for patients over the past few years in the ED and shadowing numerous specialists within health care, I know I want to pursue a fulfilling career as a PA.  I believe being a PA will enable me to work with fascinating and complex patients; develop positive, caring relationships with them that can favorably impact their outcomes; and gain both the intellectual and “hands on” stimulation I seek.  I also relish that PAs are educated to be generalists, thereby providing them with considerable versatility within the health care system.  Rather than face burnout, they always have options to work in any specialty or sub-specialty within medicine.  The fast track PA curriculum that leverages academics, experience, and the use of skills and strengths I already possess resonates with me and would enable me to enter medical practice more quickly.  This translates into less debt; less time spent in the classroom; and more time actually caring for and treating patients – my ultimate goal. I believe filling the PA role on the team would be empowering because it would allow me to use my natural strengths of leadership, mentorship, and compassion every day while also retaining a measure of autonomy and decision-making.

[Colorado]

Sounds really great. Perhaps revisit the second and third paragraphs and see if you can condense them together to save on words.

[JohnnyM2]

Growing up at the edge of rural Appalachia, most of my friends had a pretty firm grasp of what they planned to do with their lives. Several would join the military and leave the region; others would pursue college degrees; and the rest would never seek further formal education after high school. But unlike them, I really didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was casually investigating all of the seemingly endless possibilities for my future. My parents steered me toward college, but for the first three years, my focus was primarily on having fun hanging out with my social circle rather than on academics and the classroom. I was still maturing and thinking that things would just fall into place. I hadn’t yet realized I was the architect of my own future.

 

Shortly after starting college, I accepted a job in the Emergency Department of our local hospital working as a tech. Through it I got something school alone couldn’t offer: exposure to real-world, life-and-death situations. After working for a little over a year, I was able to distinguish between the various roles and responsibilities of doctors, physician assistants, and nurses. In the process, I soon realized that the valuable experience I was gaining on the job was helping to forge skills that were already somewhat natural to me, such as communication and teamwork – both of which are essential to providing outstanding patient care. Furthermore, I gained a greater understanding of how teamwork directly affected the outcome of patients facing imminent life or death situations, and how important listening is to ensure effective communication amongst the team. This is especially imperative for PAs, for they are directly responsible for conducting in-depth patient medical histories as well as for listening and responding to any questions and concerns the patient might have about their care. I frequently used these skills as a scribe during certain trauma situations, and when necessary, learned to speak with an authoritative tone for the sake of the patient’s care.

 

Along with the work experience I was gaining, another influential force that came along unexpectedly during the winter break of my junior year began to steer me toward pursuing a career as a PA. One night a series of bad automobile accidents resulted in a surge at the ER, and I witnessed a PA coordinating multiple traumas while the attending surgeon was busy with surgery in the operating room. Using his medical expertise, he successfully navigated the trauma team through a series of procedures that ultimately saved the lives of both patients. As I drove home that morning, my mind was a whirlwind of excitement and questions. I never realized PAs were capable of being such an integral part of the team. During his time on point, he literally had a line of residents and nurses seeking his guidance on how to approach various aspects of both patients’ care. I also never knew PAs were prepared to do such invasive procedures as placing chest tubes, starting central lines, or intubating. By the time I reached home, I had a clear vision for my future. I knew for certain I wanted to be a PA!

 

When I returned to campus in the spring, I realized that if I truly wanted a career as a PA, things would have to change. I would need to focus more in the classroom. It would require a lot of self-sacrifice, hard work, and acceptance of the fact that I would likely encounter some setbacks and possibly even failures along the way. I spent the summers between my remaining college years repeating classes I’d done poorly in earlier to strengthen my understanding. I also took additional science classes after graduation to better prepare myself for PA school. Through it all, the image of that trauma PA never left my mind and I never made anything less than an “A” from that point on.

 

That vision has never dimmed. After caring for patients over the past few years in the ED and shadowing numerous specialists within health care, I know I want to pursue a fulfilling career as a PA. I believe being a PA will enable me to work with fascinating and complex patients; develop positive, caring relationships with them that can favorably impact their outcomes; and gain both the intellectual and “hands on” stimulation I seek. I also relish that PAs are educated to be generalists, thereby providing them with considerable versatility within the health care system. Rather than face burnout, they always have options to work in any specialty or sub-specialty within medicine. The fast track PA curriculum that leverages academics, experience, and the use of skills and strengths I already possess resonates with me and would enable me to enter medical practice more quickly. This translates into less debt; less time spent in the classroom; and more time actually caring for and treating patients – my ultimate goal. I believe filling the PA role on the team would be empowering because it would allow me to use my natural strengths of leadership, mentorship, and compassion every day while also retaining a measure of autonomy and decision-making.

So many opportunities here. Your PS is good but bloated. Go through and read each sentence removing adjectives and adverbs. You will find some unnecessary. Example: in paragraph 2; "...The valuable experience I was gaining on the job..." You don't need "valuable" or "on the job." You have a lot of this kind of bloat.

 

Paragraph 3: lose the entire first sentence. It actually detracts from the rest of the paragraph which is great. Full of emotion and drama without being excessive.

 

Paragraph 4: get rid of "I believe being a PA......complex patients." Then say, "As a PA I want to...."

 

Many of your sentences are unnecessarily long. Try to remove parts of sentences to see if you can shorten them without losing the meaning of the sentence.

 

Scrub, scrub, scrub but very nicely done. Good luck!

 

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