Super rough draft, please be critical

[Want2BePa]

     -edit

[Topsy]

It's not a bad start, but it reads kind of flat. I made some notes/comments in bold. You do a lot of listing and telling, which makes it feel like your a passive participant. If you rephrase things so that you're the active party, and include more showing rather than telling, it will help captivate your audience.

 

It was 2004 when my grandfather was diagnosed with advanced stage lung cancer. It was my first true experience seeing someone suffer so greatly, and it was the first great loss that I experienced in my life. In the process, I saw the knowledge and compassion of my grandfather’s caretakers. Seeing the endless effort these  individuals put into treating my grandfather and alleviating his suffering, whether it be the medical tech, nurse or the doctor, I at once knew that my goal in life was to become a medical professional whose purpose was to offer compassionate care to patients and work to alleviate their suffering.  Entirely too wordy. Try "The thoughtful and deliberate efforts that technicians, nurses, and doctors gave to my grandfather moved me; inspired, I longed to pursue a medical career to emulate the compassion and care they gave to my family." or something like that. Simple. To the point. 

            After seeing what my grandfather had to endure, I wanted answers (to what?) and had a desire to help heal and prevent chronic illnesses in future generations. I began my journey towards direct patient care by ("journey" sounds trite) visiting cancer patients in hospitals to provide them with a comforting presence. I became the leader of card quilt making parties, where I encouraged children to create handmade cards that would be given to and seen by patients in hospitals throughout the entire country (Did you only tell the kids to make the cards? Did you not make any yourself? Also, you can simplfy: I became the leader of card/quilt-making parties; I worked together with children to make handmade creations to give to hospital patients throughout the country.) This experience of touching the lives of patients (How do you know they were touched by the gesture? Did they send thank you cards? Did you ever hand deliver them and see the smiles on their faces?) left me feeling gratified and with a sense of fulfillment. It only fueled my desire to seek my goal to provide patient care even more.

(These next few sentences are drawn out but also awkwardly worded. If you need to bulk it up, show instead of tell: She always answered my questions with a confident smile... that kind of thing) While in college, I began to see an Internal Medicine Physician Assistant. Initially I was her patient and she was responsible for my care. Seeing her ability to address my concerns and answer my questions with great confidence was comforting. She was also very thorough in her examinations. This greatly impressed me leading me to seek an opportunity to shadow her while being a student (Passive; change to active). Perhaps (Don't waffle. Make a definitive statement - it either was the most impressive quality, or it wasn't - and if it wasn't why would you even mention it) the quality of hers that greatly impressed me most as a Physician Assistant was her ability to address the health issues of patients that was spread over a wide spectrum. I remember following her into patient situations that varied greatly from one another and seeing her being able to adapt to what the circumstance demanded and address the patients needs (how? show, don't tell). She was confident and capable in whatever she did for her patients, and at the same time showed the qualities of patience and compassion in her care towards her patients. In return her patients always (I would take out the always. We all know there are stubborn patients who never do a lick of what a provider recommends; including that word "always" makes you sound naive what patient care actually looks like: it's gritty, poopy, frustrating, and not always butterflies and rainbows) trusted her to care for their medical needs and were always confident in her diagnosis and treatment. She was never hesitant in acquiring new knowledge and learn of new methodologies that would enable her to better care for her patients (Maybe here you could describe it by saying, "She didn't know all the answers, and her attitude was that it was okay that she didn't know everything. She would grab a book, look up the symptoms and go "Aha!" or some story that shows how she acquired new knowledge). Seeing these qualities expressed in her persona is what made me realize that I wanted to pursue the career of becoming a Physician Assistant.

In addition to shadowing, I continued to develop my one-on-one patient skills once I began working as a neurotech at a mental health clinic. To further develop my understanding of patient care and my skills in interacting with patients one on one I began my work as a neurotech at a mental health clinic. There I experienced the different levels (different levels? this sounds vague) of the world of neuro-psychiatry, and interacted with patients who came with a variety of neuropsychological issues, such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and autism. As a neurotech, I not only provided medical treatments (like what?), but I also created a  my role was not only to provide medical treatment, but to create a therapeutic and educational atmosphere for my patients. For instance, I worked with one austic child for several months (doing what? bathing? dressing? teaching? playing?) one of my favorite memories as a neurotech involved an autistic child who spoke his first word under my care.  (Show, don't tell: After X months of silence, he muttered "askjfl!" - his first word! His family and I were elated! We high-fived and hugged.) Another uplifting memory involved a military veteran who had been affected by PTSD and was thus unable to adapt to the normalcy of everyday life away from the battlefield. Through my care, I was not only able to create a comforting relationship my patients, but I was able to (What exactly did you do? give him some pamphlets? Write his resume for him? Practice interviews? Did you fill out his apps for him? You only mention job stuff, but what about the other aspects of everyday life? Did you have a role in that too?) provide resources for schools, job opportunities, and a social network for him to integrate into his new mundane (mundane is a poor word choice here) lifestyle. Eventually, we celebrated him receiving his first job offer ever after coming home.  In this role, I came to value the qualities of patience and compassion towards patients. These were some of the same qualities that I had observed as being critical to patient care while I was shadowing the Physician Assistant.

My desire to become a Physician Assistant began with the loss of my grandfather nearly a decade ago. Over the years and through the variety of experiences I had within the medical field, I realized that the best career and most suitable role for me is that of a Physician Assistant. As a Physician Assistant it is my aim to extend medical care to the growing population, to spend more time with patients, educate them, and to prevent illnesses (You did not mention illness prevention. Was if from shadowing a PA that you realized that was possible? I would try to touch up on this idea earlier in the essay). It is my goal to extend love, care, and compassion towards all those who suffer.

[Want2BePa]

THank you for thoroughly editing my essay, this is really helpful!!