personal statement draft

[hyoon1]

I would absolutely LOVE any kind of critics on this.

 

            Screaming. In. Pain. This was all I could hear through a door where my mother laid on her side, while a long needle pierced her spinal cord. Three nights in a row and my family was back in the emergency room yet nobody knew the cause for my mother’s pain. Three different doctors, lumber puncture after CAT scan with some morphine, and yet nothing. My mother went home feeling weak with no diagnosis that early morning. Frustrated father and a tired, sleepy sister, my high school – want to be a singer – helpless self was never the same again.

 

Growing up from an Asian background, education was number one on my priority list, no matter how much I did not want it to be. I was eating, sleeping, and breathing schoolwork when I lived in South Korea, so moving to America and attending school came naturally. Elementary, middle and high school was a breeze without much effort for me and with that mindset I landed at the University of Nebraska. Because of my experience of my mother’s illness, I knew I wanted to go into science and later into medical field.

 

My grades started to crumble when my family moved to Georgia for job relocation. I could not follow because I did not meet the transfer requirements at University of Georgia so I was left behind. I worked two jobs while going to school as a full-time student with six-hour labs every week. Because my time-management was very poor and I did not have the comfort of my family, my hardships reflected in my grades. I was horrified at my GPA, disappointed and ashamed in myself for not persevering through.

 

When I applied to UGA, just before I became a senior, I was graciously accepted and made the transition to Athens, Georgia. New school and a new major meant starting fresh, so I left my past behind and looked to what I can do for my future. I went to the school’s library and the nearby coffee houses every single day to be prepared for my classes and when I found out that I made the Dean’s List twice, I was very elated and ecstatic. The last year at UGA made me realize how exciting and pleasurable studying is when you truly devote your time and mind into it.

 

To get more information and put my foot in the door in the medical field, I started shadowing physician assistants, medical doctors and volunteering my time to those in need. My first medically related volunteering was at Saint Mary’s Hospice House, where I dived into the program not knowing what to expect. I have heard of hospice volunteering before but I never knew the full extent of how serious and professional the work was. But because of my experiences there, I met many hospice patients who were optimistic despite their condition. Just witnessing their smiles and hopes were rewarding and this gave me all the more reason for wanting to be somebody who is medically knowledgeable, dedicated, patient and willing to do all for the people in need.

 

Reminiscing about my mother’s three trips to emergency room has traumatized me but it gave me the foundation and determination to become a physician assistant. Although I have made some immature mistakes, I have matured into a person who knows how to manage time and put education as number one priority. I no longer want to see myself as the helpless daughter that did not do anything but someone who can be flexible, someone who is medically educated, someone who has various medical experiences and most importantly, someone who can save a person’s life.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

[Topsy]

Hmmm. That final sentence of your intro paragraph is really awkward. And you spend 4 of your 6 paragraphs with background info, and then there's this quick rush at the end about healthcare. It would be a lot stronger if the ratio was reversed; less time rehashing your short-coming, and more time talking about PCE, volunteering, and shadowing. 

 

Also, the way it's formatted now, it just seems like you're young and inexperienced. You mainly talk about your grades suffering, and how now you know how to study and are better with time-management. But that by itself probably won't entice programs. You have to write it in a way that makes them think, whoa! I want to meet this girl! Right now it reads, oh, this young girl sure is concerned about grades...and being close to family... and that's it. You are competing with EMTs, paramedics, CNAs, therapists..... so many other people who have had years of experience in addition to getting good grades. So, you should really think about what bases you have to cover.

 

I would definitely re-write it. Think about other anecdotes that would really make in personal. Try to inject more personality in it to really sell it.