Looking for critique of my previous personal statement

[hintzy56]

I used the following essay last year and ended up getting one interview.  Obviously as a re-applicant I will talk about what I have done in the last year to improve myself as a candidate.  I would really appreciate any feedback/criticism on what aspects of this essay I should leave in and which should be eliminated as I feel I have a very unique story that does a good job of separating me from other applicants.  Thank you.

 

“Mr. Hintz I’m afraid I have some bad news,” are the last words anyone wants to hear out of a doctor’s mouth. However, this is the position I found myself in, as I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, in 2012. In my post-operation appointments, I was continually rushed in and out of the doctor’s office never able to explain that I was still having severe headaches. Six months after my initial surgery, I spent the night in the emergency room of the local hospital where I was told that not only was the tumor still there but that it was several times larger than my original doctor had believed. I was then referred to a new neurologist, and one of his physician assistants, and was immediately amazed with the care provided by the physician assistant. From the time of our first meeting, the PA spent several hours with me demonstrating compassion for my situation, treating me as a member of the care team, and getting to know me on a personal level. This conversation turned, an experience that what would have been devastating to most, to be the most influential experience in my life; and became the defining moment in choosing to work towards becoming a physician assistant. It was at this moment that I knew I wanted to pursue a career as a physician assistant, I had found my calling.

 

Although my desire to become a PA did not emerge until after I received my bachelor’s degree, I believe that my education has prepared me to excel, in not only treating a patient, but also in educating them. While at Winona State University, I excelled in my core science classes, and chose to further challenge myself by taking electives such as immunology, molecular biology, and microbiology.  I feel that these courses have prepared me to undertake the academic rigors of PA school. In addition to a variety of science classes, I also took several education classes that taught me the different modes of learning, and how to effectively convey information in the most effective manner.

 

Upon committing myself to becoming a PA, I felt that I had learned a lot about the science medical decisions are based on, but did not have any training on its application. I wanted to be better rounded, and have a full understanding of healthcare and its delivery systems. In order to gain a better understanding of this topic, I began to look for more diverse opportunities as a CNA. I was first hired at a home for the developmentally disabled where I was in charge of caring for individuals with varying degrees of autism, and later worked in a home for Alzheimer’s patients. It was here that I learned the basics of direct patient care. It was also where I learned to communicate using various forms of nonverbal communication. My most valuable lesson learned, came on the interpersonal side of healthcare. I learned that the most effective tool any caregiver can possess is a smile and sense of humor. This can often disarm even the most guarded patients and go a long way in establishing a trusting relationship, enabling the highest quality of care.

In my current position, as a CNA at Theda Clark Medical Center, I have the privilege of being directly responsible for a patient’s post-surgery care. I am required to know the procedure they underwent, obtain vital signs, relay patient concerns to members of the care team, and properly document all aspects of their stay. As I have expanded my clinical knowledge, I find myself constantly asking nurses and doctors for additional details of a patient’s condition. Using their input, I try to tailor my care to the patient’s specific needs and encourage the appropriate level of independence. Through working at Theda Clark, I have been able to see just how important collaboration between members of the care team is. That no matter one’s position within the team one must always be willing to go the extra mile to make each patient realize, they are not only cared for, but an important part of the team. 

[CSCH]

 

“Mr. Hintz, I’m afraid I have some bad news,” are the last words anyone wants to hear out of a doctor’s mouth. However, this is the position I found myself in, as I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, in 2012. In my post-operation appointments, I was continually rushed in and out of the doctor’s office, never able to explain that I was still having severe headaches. Six months after my initial surgery, I spent the night in the emergency room of the local hospital, where I was told not only was the tumor still there, but that it was several times larger than my original doctor had believed. I was then referred to a new neurologist, and one of his physician assistants, and was immediately amazed with the care provided by the physician assistant. From the time of our first meeting, the PA spent several hours with me demonstrating compassion for my situation, treating me as a member of the care team, and getting to know me on a personal level. This conversation turned an experience that what would have been devastating to most into the most influential experience in my life. It became the defining moment in choosing to work towards becoming a physician assistant. It was at this moment that I knew I wanted to pursue a career as a physician assistant. I had found my calling.

 

Although my desire to become a PA did not emerge until after I received my bachelor’s degree, I believe that my education has prepared me to excel in not only treating a patient, but also in educating them. While at Winona State University, I excelled in my core science classes, and chose to further challenge myself by taking electives such as immunology, molecular biology, and microbiology.  I feel that these courses have prepared me to undertake the academic rigors of PA school. In addition to a variety of science classes, I also took several education classes that taught me the different modes of learning, and how to convey information in the most effective manner.

 

Upon committing myself to becoming a PA, I felt that I had learned a lot about the science that medical decisions are based on, but did not have any training on its application. I wanted to be better rounded, and have a full understanding of healthcare and its delivery systems. In order to gain a better understanding of this topic, I began to look for more diverse opportunities as a CNA. I was first hired at a home for the developmentally disabled, where I was in charge of caring for individuals with varying degrees of autism, and later worked in a home for Alzheimer’s patients. It was here that I learned the basics of direct patient care. It was also where I learned to communicate using various forms of nonverbal communication. My most valuable lesson learned came on the interpersonal side of healthcare. I learned that the most effective tool any caregiver can possess is a smile and sense of humor. This can often disarm even the most guarded patients and go a long way in establishing a trusting relationship, enabling the highest quality of care.

 

In my current position as a CNA at Theda Clark Medical Center, I have the privilege of being directly responsible for a patient’s post-surgery care. I am required to know the procedure they underwent, obtain vital signs, relay patient concerns to members of the care team, and properly document all aspects of their stay. As I have expanded my clinical knowledge, I find myself constantly asking nurses and doctors for additional details of a patient’s condition. Using their input, I try to tailor my care to the patient’s specific needs and encourage the appropriate level of independence. Through working at Theda Clark, I have been able to see just how important collaboration between members of the care team is. That no matter one’s position within the team one must always be willing to go the extra mile to make each patient realize they are not only cared for, but an important part of the team. 

Right off the bat I noticed some grammar issues, corrected above. Also, one of the most consistent pieces of advice I've seen (from multiple sources) is not to restate your resume. They already know what classes you took and where you worked, so try to focus less on that stuff in order to allow the focus to be more on what you learned. Finally, maybe try to make it a bit more personal. This reads a bit flat.

 

Hope that helps!

[hintzy56]

Thanks you.  That helps a lot and gives me a bit of direction on how to improve it for this year.