Final? Draft personal statement-mental health experience. More feedback would be great!

[jackke]

I posted my rough draft before, made some pretty drastic revisions, but ended up using the same general ideas, highlighting my background working in acute psychiatric care. Any feedback is appreciated! Here it is:

 

I work on a psychiatric floor.

 

When I mention this to those outside the locked double doors, it often conjures up the widely adopted vision of concrete hallways, shackled beds and Nurse Ratched--a twisted, eternal fate reserved only for the "insane." We hear about aggressive, suicidal, psychotic people, people whose minds work differently than ours--people who are not like us.

 

As a psychiatric technician, I find this reputation sadly misinformed. It fosters a misunderstanding of the goals of psychiatric treatment, and creates a sense of separation between "normal people" and the mentally ill. Working on Saint Mary's Psychiatric Medical Unit, a hospital floor specializing in medical treatment for chronically and acutely mentally ill patients, I have gained a great deal of insight into the treatment of physical and mental illness and a tremendous amount of respect for those who face these illnesses. With so many negative stories circulating though the media, it's easy to forget that the mentally ill are real people--like all people, they experience sadness, pain and joy. They have families, struggles, and lives of their own. Consider the man with Huntington's, wheelchair-bound for his own safety, whose father and brother were similarly afflicted with the disease, or the self-harming 30-year-old, arms covered in long, thin scars, whose psychological stressors eventually led him to homelessness, or the deeply religious mother of four amidst the throes postpartum depression, unable to care for her child or herself. The struggles these individuals face are real, yet unimaginably complex; their backgrounds diverse, their need for help universal. It is from these individuals that I have gained a great deal of respect for the mentally and physically ill, and a desire to pursue the physician assistant (PA) profession.

 

As a PA, I hope to become more highly involved in the treatment of the mentally and physically ill. Currently, I work alongside professionals in many different roles:  nurses, doctors, PAs, and others. It is thanks to their medical expertise that therapy is possible, but the compassion that these individuals exemplify further motivates me to pursue the PA profession--they have challenged me to question my understanding of mental illness, to treat individuals with the highest level of compassion and respect, and to continue pursuing my own goals, professionally and personally. It is the ease by which they soothe anxiety, the sense of calm they lend during a psychotic episode, the hope they impart amidst deep depression that I hope to emulate. My admiration of the work these individuals do has motivated me to pursue the PA profession. By understanding illness, mental or physical, it can be better addressed; ultimately, I hope that this understanding will allow me to care for patients holistically and compassionately.

 

My motivation to become a PA has developed through my experiences, but I have an intrinsic desire to work compassionately with other individuals in order to find solutions to problems. I consider myself a continuous learner, a listener and a team player--all qualities that I hope will benefit my practice in the PA profession. I seek to challenge myself to better provide the people I serve, and challenge patients to make positive decisions to improve their own lives. My goal is to practice in medical specialties I feel present both medical and social challenges, specialties in which I believe my desire to promote mental and physical wellness will make the greatest impact. Currently, I am interested in pediatrics, psychiatry, international medicine, emergency medicine, and medicine for the underserved. Ultimately, my goal is to practice medicine in a manner that fully acknowledges the importance of a patient's medical issues, forming a trusting patient-provider relationship that promotes physical well-being, dignity and self-worth.

 

Through working with the mentally and physically ill, my understanding of wellness has changed significantly. The distinction between physical and mental health is an abstract one, and the complexity of medical treatment goes beyond medicine itself--for sutures cannot heal emotional wounds, and the most effective treatment is useless without a patient's participation and trust. We can only begin to ease suffering when we begin to understand its origins, and to understand its origins, we must be willing to listen. Ultimately, it is this understanding that drives me to become a PA--there would be no greater reward than to be able to do meaningful work healing the wounded, emotionally and physically.

[Jpruette]

 

Hi!  I like what you added, it really tells me who you are and what motivates you.  Great job!

 

A couple of little picky things:

 

--a twisted, eternal fate reserved only for the "insane." This seems overly dramatic to me.  I didn't like it in the first draft, and it stands out even more now that you have simplified the rest.  My advice: drop this part.

 

"I have gained a great deal of insight into the treatment of physical and mental illness and a tremendous amount of respect and sympathy for those who face these illnesses."

 

"It is from these individuals that I have gained a great deal of respect for the mentally and physically ill, and a desire to pursue the physician assistant (PA) profession." You can see here 1. you have repeated the "I have gained" part:  Maybe change this to: These individuals have challenged my beliefs and made me want to become a PA.  (I don't know if its me, but after reading all these essays, each time I see the phrase "A desire to pursue the PA profession", I cringe.  The ad coms, after reading hundreds of essays, must feel the same way….

 

As a PA, I hope to become more highly involved in the treatment of the mentally and physically ill. Currently, I work alongside professionals in many different roles:  nurses, doctors, PAs, and others. It is thanks to their medical expertise that therapy is possible, but the compassion that these individuals exemplify further motivates me to pursue the PA profession--they have challenged me to question my understanding of mental illness, to treat individuals with the highest level of compassion and respect, and to continue pursuing my own goals, professionally and personally. It is the ease by which they soothe anxiety, the sense of calm they lend during a psychotic episode, the hope they impart amidst deep depression that I hope to emulate. My admiration of the work these individuals do has motivated me to pursue the PA profession. By understanding illness, mental or physical, it can be better addressed; ultimately, I hope that this understanding will allow me to care for patients holistically and compassionately.

 

I really like this paragraph.  I would change only two things: 1. the word exemplify:  I'm not sure, but this word doesn't sound quite right to me.  I think maybe "demonstrate" might be a better choice?   Also, I would chop the last sentence into two, and change "allow" to "help": By understanding illness, mental or physical, it can be better addressed.  Ultimately, I hope that this understanding will help me to care for patients holistically and compassionately.

 

My motivation to become a PA has developed through my experiences, but I have an intrinsic desire to work compassionately with other individuals in order to find solutions to problems.  Not sure here what you mean.  Are you trying to say that you were motivated to be a PA because of your work experiences, but that you have always been compassionate?  I think this one sentence could be worked over to be clearer.

 

 

We can only begin to ease suffering when we begin to understand its origins, and to understand its origins, we must be willing to listen. Ultimately, it is this urge to understand understanding that drives me to become a PA--there would be no greater reward than to be able to do meaningful work healing the wounded, emotionally and physically.

 

Why PA and not doctor? nurse? What is it that is specifically a PAs' job that you want to do?  You could maybe say that since you are interested in so many fields, you like the idea of being a generalist.  Or you also alluded to pursuing other interests, personally.  Maybe throw in a line that says thats what appeals to you about being a PA, work-life balance.  

 

Overall - this essay rocks!  I really like it. I would accept you! Nice job and good luck!