Anyone willing to give me some feedback on my essay.

[AlexSchmitt44]

Feel free to critize as harshly as you like, I need to improve the paper, and the only way to do that is with opinions!

Thanks for taking the time to read this over.

 

Essay:

 

“Stop screen cheating,” was a common phrase in my basement, usually followed by choice words. In between two a day football practices my friends and I would play Call of Duty. We were focused on playing sports and having fun, but we were full of youthful ignorance and self-absorption. I tried my best to fit in with the stereotypical jock crowd, but my curiosity, passion for learning, and association with different groups of people, sometimes made me feel like an outsider. My effort was not focused solely on sports, like many of my peers, but on finding a meaningful career choice and excelling as a student athlete. Fortunately, I was able to interact and learn from many different people in my life. These experiences have taught me how to embrace challenges, using them to mold myself into an empathetic caregiver, educator, and communicator, all of which will serve me well in the collaborative role of a Physician Assistant.

            Perhaps my biggest fan, and the person who provided me the most pivotal life experience, was my grandpa. He went to all of my sporting events, even when he couldn’t remember which number I wore. My grandfather was influential in building a sense of community in my town of 7,000. Having owned a shoe store on Main Street for 30 years he was something of a celebrity in my town. I always respected how he treated people, oftentimes cutting deals for families so their children could have new shoes for school. He always preached to, “Kill them with kindness.” At my games people would come up to shake his hand, but he wouldn’t recognize them. He was degrading in his struggle with Alzheimer’s, which would lead him into our home, as he needed full time care.  My first foray into caregiving was a joint effort between my mother, a RN, and me. Taking care of my grandpa caused me to reevaluate my priorities, and work toward doing something to add value to the community. He taught me the value of compassion. When I look at a patient today I don’t try to “kill them with kindness,” but I do treat them as if they were my grandpa.

            Much like a team working in unison, the body relies on many moving parts to maintain homeostasis, if one of these parts doesn’t do its job, the entire system breaks down. While coursework taught me how to explain the inner workings of the body, nothing was as influential in giving me an understanding of how a small change can affect the entire person, quite like my Uncle Brad. During college I witnessed my Uncle losing his battle with Bipolar disorder. He would call to talk about my games, but his calls were filled with manic delusions. The tragedy of my Uncle’s life helped me to connect the breakdown of the body with the overall human experience. His inability to function as a father and a member of society showed to me the importance of early detection and proper care.  If we are able to educate our patients on how to maintain their wellbeing it will positively impact not only them and their families, but society in general. My Uncle showed me that we are all part of this team, and healthcare provides the means to repair and maintain the physical and mental health of each piece.

            Unfortunately, each patient one deals with is not a relative or an adoring fan. Working as a Patient Care Assistant at Mayo Clinic I have witnessed the frustrations of providing care for confused or uncooperative patients. My times with these patients have shown me the importance of communication and establishing trust between patient and provider. For instance, while caring for an elderly destitute Cambodian woman, my job was to familiarize her to her surroundings, a difficult task with her inability to understand English.  Despite the efforts of a translator, she refused to cooperate with the medical team. Over the course of the day I showed her around the hospital, where she marveled at all of the commotion. Later on I could tell by her body language that she was in distress, something that I pick up on due to my mild hearing loss forcing me to directly focus on the patient.  She broke down weeping. I took her hand to let her know not everyone had abandoned her. At the end of the day she gave me a big bear hug, a hilarious sight according to my coworkers as I towered over her. Being able to impact her and get her to cooperate with the medical team solely through nonverbal communication helped solidify my decision to pursue the PA profession.

            In truth I am very much a jock. I still miss the camaraderie of teammates, the grueling five a.m. lifting sessions, and the thrill of victory. Perhaps the greatest part of a team is working as a unified group toward a common goal. I don’t think the jump from a sports goal to the goal of patient wellness is that far. Each situation is challenging, each victory relies on cooperation, and every goal is only obtained when one goes beyond the call of duty because of how much they care. Being a care provider isn’t always easy, but as I have learned achieving a difficult goal makes it all the more special.

[Topsy]

I get what you're trying to do here by twisting together sports and medicine, but it doesn't come across as very effective. I would look at MCW's website for personal statements; particularly sample 14 show a successful execution of comparing 2 unrelated ideas in a cohesive way.

 

Also, COD? Really? No. Try again. And I also have problems with the last phrase when you say "I'm very much a jock." Maybe I'm biased but the term drums up ideas of immature frat boy drunkenness that I don't think you want to convey in a PS.

 

I think you could really write this in a way that shows what you mean. Then you don't have to explicitly say "I don't think the jump from sports goal to patient wellness is far." There's nothing worse then reading something or watching a movie and the editing bludgeons you over the head by saying, see this symbolism!??!?! it symbolizes this idea!!!! aren't I clever?!

 

Cut out the 1st paragraph, start with the grandpa stuff, and then see where it takes you from there. Cut out the Uncle stuff too. I like the story of you towering over a little Cambodian woman better.