Seeking feedback on my narrative essay...

[laurenrae2]

Looking for feedback regarding my personal essay from last year's CASPA. This is my second year applying and I thought my essay was very good. Critiques welcome as to what I should add, change or stay the same. I have shadowed at 2 more hospitals since last year's application as well as volunteered at a non profit. Thank you!! Lauren

 

 

 

 

 

“I have been fighting anorexia for 15 years. I would rather die than be forced to eat one more meal.”  A patient shared these words with me one morning as I took her vital signs. One week later, at the age of 29, she had a heart attack and died. This scene has echoed through my mind countless times and continues to be one of the most profound moments of my career working in mental health. The complicated combination of emotional, psychological, and medical issues with which the patient struggled was both tragic and fascinating. The experience of working with her opened my eyes to the complexities that healthcare providers face every day.

                My exposure to the field of medicine began almost three years ago when I was offered a job at Belmont Center for Comprehensive Treatment as a Behavioral Health Associate (BHA). With my formal education in psychology, a position on the eating disorders (ED) unit seemed to be the perfect fit. Before long, however, I found myself wanting more. While working with individuals who are both mentally and physically compromised, I developed an ambition to treat both aspects of health. Around this time, I began participating in daily treatment team meetings, which included the input of a physician assistant, among others. As I watched the PA interacting with a patient about her latest struggles, I admired the rapport and sincerity that had quickly flourished.

                In May of 2013, I had the opportunity to shadow a physician assistant at Temple University Hospital. Observing her self-governing approach toward making medical decisions such as quickly suturing a wound without supervision, taught me that autonomy is a crucial skill that PAs must develop. Similarly, my job as a BHA on the ED unit calls for a great deal of self-sufficiency, ranging from recording medical histories upon admission to leading group therapy several times a week with 10 to 15 patients. These responsibilities have helped me to develop a strong foundation of personal responsibility. No matter what the task at hand, I am always adaptable and ready to take on a new challenge.

                Although I have numerous responsibilities on the ED unit, my favorite encounters are those involving daily exchanges with the patients when I am able to listen to them and provide meaningful interactions.  As I continue to mature and my life progresses, one thing that remains constant is a deep yearning for a profession that offers the ability to incorporate my skills in counseling with my desire to treat people. Becoming a physician assistant will allow me to achieve these goals

                I firmly believe that a career in the field of health care and healing will bring a great sense of fulfillment and accomplishment into my life. To strengthen my resolve, I have amplified my knowledge and education throughout the last year by continuing to observe PA’s in a variety of settings, as well as taking challenging science courses to further my medical background. This fall, I look forward to the unique experience of shadowing a PA at Walter Reed Military Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.  I am confident that this opportunity will open my eyes to new and exciting challenges that physician assistants face in the field of medicine.  I would like to broaden my horizons as much as possible while completing your program, and then apply what I have learned in order to make a positive impact on the lives of my patients.

 

[Zen11222]

Looking for feedback regarding my personal essay from last year's CASPA. This is my second year applying and I thought my essay was very good. Critiques welcome as to what I should add, change or stay the same. I have shadowed at 2 more hospitals since last year's application as well as volunteered at a non profit. Thank you!! Lauren

 

 

 

 

 

“I have been fighting anorexia for 15 years. I would rather die than be forced to eat one more meal.”  A patient shared these words with me one morning as I took her vital signs. One week later, at the age of 29, she had a heart attack and died. This scene has echoed through my mind countless times and continues to be one of the most profound moments of my career working in mental health. The complicated combination of emotional, psychological, and medical issues with which the patient struggled was both tragic and fascinating. The experience of working with her opened my eyes to the complexities that healthcare providers face every day.

                My exposure to the field of medicine began almost three years ago when I was offered a job at Belmont Center for Comprehensive Treatment as a Behavioral Health Associate (BHA). With my formal education in psychology, a position on the eating disorders (ED) unit seemed to be the perfect fit. Before long, however, I found myself wanting more. While working with individuals who are both mentally and physically compromised, I developed an ambition to treat both aspects of health. Around this time, I began participating in daily treatment team meetings, which included the input of a physician assistant, among others. As I watched the PA interacting with a patient about her latest struggles, I admired the rapport and sincerity that had quickly flourished.

                In May of 2013, I had the opportunity to shadow a physician assistant at Temple University Hospital. Observing her self-governing approach toward making medical decisions such as quickly suturing a wound without supervision, taught me that autonomy is a crucial skill that PAs must develop. Similarly, my job as a BHA on the ED unit calls for a great deal of self-sufficiency, ranging from recording medical histories upon admission to leading group therapy several times a week with 10 to 15 patients. These responsibilities have helped me to develop a strong foundation of personal responsibility. No matter what the task at hand, I am always adaptable and ready to take on a new challenge.

                Although I have numerous responsibilities on the ED unit, my favorite encounters are those involving daily exchanges with the patients when I am able to listen to them and provide meaningful interactions.  As I continue to mature and my life progresses, one thing that remains constant is a deep yearning for a profession that offers the ability to incorporate my skills in counseling with my desire to treat people. Becoming a physician assistant will allow me to achieve these goals

                I firmly believe that a career in the field of health care and healing will bring a great sense of fulfillment and accomplishment into my life. To strengthen my resolve, I have amplified my knowledge and education throughout the last year by continuing to observe PA’s in a variety of settings, as well as taking challenging science courses to further my medical background. This fall, I look forward to the unique experience of shadowing a PA at Walter Reed Military Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.  I am confident that this opportunity will open my eyes to new and exciting challenges that physician assistants face in the field of medicine.  I would like to broaden my horizons as much as possible while completing your program, and then apply what I have learned in order to make a positive impact on the lives of my patients.

Did you get an interview last year?

 

I'd say it s a great essay. I would add more words like "compassion" and "desire". Also, try to elicit as much emotion as you can out of the reader. That story about the girl could be more emotional and "beefed up" as they say. Maybe you can mention her tone and how you felt after she said what she said. Did your heart break for her? Did you feel empathy for her? Did you have a strong desire to help her and regret that you were not in a position to do so? There are many ways of elaborating on a story in order to get the reader to feel something.

 

I hope this helps! :))

[Topsy]

The things I'd change are underlined. 

                My exposure to the field of medicine began almost three years ago when I was offered a job at Belmont Center for Comprehensive Treatment as a Behavioral Health Associate (BHA). With my formal education in psychology, a position on the eating disorders (ED) unit seemed to be the perfect fit. Before long, however, I found myself wanting more. While working with individuals who are both mentally and physically compromised, I developed an ambition to treat both aspects of health. Around this time, I began participating in daily treatment team meetings, which included the input of a physician assistant, and as I watched the PA interacting with a patient about her (who is her? the PA? or the patient?) latest struggles, I admired the rapport and sincerity that quickly flourished.

               Since 2013, I have had many opportunities to PAs. As I watched one PA working Temple University Hospital, I marveled at her quick, difinitive approach toward medicine; her self-governing approach taught me that autonomy is a crucial skill that PAs must develop. Furthermore, this fall I will get to shadow a PA at Walter Reed Military Hospital. From this experience I hope to.......

 

Luckily, my job as a BHA on the ED unit calls has prepared me for the rigors of becoming a PA. I'm used to working with a great deal of self-sufficiency, ranging from recording medical histories upon admission to leading group therapy several times a week with 10 to 15 patients. These responsibilities have helped me to develop a strong foundation of personal responsibility. No matter what the task at hand, I am always adaptable and ready to take on a new challenge. Also, I am confident that I will be able to incorporate my skills in counseling with my desire to treat people; as I saw from shadowing at the military hospital, listening to the patient is just as important as treating the patient. I know become a physician assistant will allow me to combine my passion for working with people, with my strong desire to make medical decisions/diagnoses/insert something here...

                I firmly believe that a career in the field of health care and healing will bring a great sense of fulfillment and accomplishment into my life (your life? doesn't that seem selfish??). To strengthen my resolve, I have amplified my knowledge and education throughout the last year by continuing to observe PA’s in a variety of settings, as well as taking challenging science courses to further my medical background. I am confident that my shadowing opportunities have opened my eyes to new and exciting challenges that physician assistants face in the field of medicine. I would like to broaden my horizons as much as possible while completing your program, and then apply what I have learned in order to make a positive impact on the lives of my patients.

 

It seems pretty solid to me. I tweaked some things.

But my overall concern is that if this is your re-application/essay, it must be be different and not a blind cut-n-paste from your 1st go around. For instance, my brother-in-law reapplied to med school (wait-listed the 1st time), and on his reapplicant essay he said things like, "not until applying to med school did I experience serious failure despite great effort" and "I feel that being denied and working through a year of reapplication and preparation has helped me grow significantly as both an applicant and a person." Furthermore, he goes into detail of how he asked the admissions dept why he was rejected, and made sure he addressed those issues in his reapp personal statement (and just in case you were wondering, yes, he got into his #1 choice med school, which actually loves reapplicants because it shows determination and dedication).

Anyway, I may be biased, I strongly encourage you to do the same thing. Your essay should show growth, maturity, and a kind of humbleness that says "hey, I didn't get in the first time around, and I've reflected on it... But you'd better believe I'm stronger because of it, and here's why." Not that I have any experience (I have yet to be a 1st time applicant), but for sure if I was reading essay after essay, and seeing an essay that I've already read, I'd want to know why it's different the 2nd time around. 

Aside from that, I think you're experience in ED is very applicable, and your shadowing hours sound insightful. I would probably leave out the filing and office work kinda stuff, and keep it to more patient-care related snippets and how those are relevant to your qualifications as a PA. G'luck!

[laurenrae2]

Thank you both so much for the feedback! I was so happy someone responded. I was unsure whether or not to include that I am a reapplicant. I have done a lot since my last application to improve myself as well as take the time grow and mature. I just wasn't sure if it would good bad to say that I did not get accepted my first round. But it only fueled my desire to become a better and strong applicant!