Seeking feedback on my PS draft

[kml10kml]

I've revised this several times myself but after a while its hard to find things to change! Thank you for any feedback!

 

It was March of 2010 when I went on my first Alternative Spring Break trip. The destination was Philadelphia, PA and the theme was childhood poverty. I was going to a place I had never been to see something I had never really seen. It would be an understatement to say that the poverty, vulnerability, and struggle that I encountered on that trip changed my life. It was on that trip to Philadelphia that the word service truly began to mean something, where it became a life goal rather than a hobby. During those seven days I found myself continuously questioning my intentions to become a doctor and I realized that the letters "Dr." and the corresponding dollar signs could never mean as much as the faces I would encounter or the service I would provide.

 

In the weeks after the trip I made the commitment to start an honest exploration of career options. Though medicine had always been a prime interest for me, I now found myself seeking a career in health care that relied on compassion rather than credentials, on people rather than prestige, on teamwork rather than being the alpha dog. I sought a career that offered lateral mobility, a career where service was valued as an equal to knowledge. Ultimately, this journey led me to the profession of Physician Assistant, a field that was created to aid a society low on primary care providers, a vocation meant to serve where there was greatest need. It was the perfect fit, and it was something that the title of Dr. would have never allowed me to find.

 

After this discovery, my new mission became to learn more about the PA profession and to prepare for a future in service and in medicine. Unfortunately, this journey was not without its challenges. Throughout the next few years, it seemed like my focus was constantly diverted away from Chapel Hill and towards my family life 853 miles away in Wisconsin. During that time my brother was hit by a drunk driver (he survived), close family friends died, and an immediate family member suffered from a newly diagnosed mental illness and suicide attempts. In those three years, some of my grades suffered as I tried to balance academics, leadership, and heartbreaking phone calls. These trials, however, shaped who I am and continue to guide who I want to become. Through my new found study habits, I learned to rely on teamwork; through late nights reviewing after a quick trip home, I learned discipline; and through helping my family get through difficult nights, I learned compassion. It was ultimately the combination of these three lessons that propelled me back on track towards the PA profession.

 

And then came February 7, 2013. The clock had just struck 1AM and I had put down my biochemistry textbook, just about ready to call it a night. I got the phone call that my dad had passed away after suffering from acute interstitial pneumonia for the past 3 years. He had been told a year, but only given 72 hours. I was told there would be time, but there wasn't. Though the months following were a true struggle to work through, it was not without a special gift to anchor me towards my future: one final conversation with my dad the day before he died. In that conversation I told him about Redeemer Ministry Corps. I told him about this AmeriCorps program that combined my love of service with crucial health care experience. I told him about this program where I would volunteer as a Patient Care Assistant and Pastoral Care Visitor on the Stroke/Acute Care unit. I told him how RMC would allow me to return to Philadelphia where this PA journey started. I told him I would see him tomorrow.

 

I never got the chance to visit my dad in the hospital before he passed away as he died 8 hours before my plane was scheduled to land. But now, every day I go into the hospital, I get the opportunity to treat and care for each patient the way I would hope my dad was cared for in his final hours: with respect, dignity and compassion. During the last ten months in Philadelphia, I have been incredibly humbled and inspired by my experiences with patients and staff members. Whether I am giving a bath to a stroke victim, comforting a recently diagnosed cancer patient, or feeding an Alzheimer's patient, I am reminded more and more each day of how special it is to be part of the healthcare team and to bring about healing to the truly vulnerable. Though I am ready to add the knowledge component to my patient care experience, I am also incredibly thankful for the lessons that I have learned and the journey that has led me here.

 

I want to become a Physician Assistant in order to find that intersection between knowledge and teamwork; to become a part of the solution to the growing need for primary care especially in vulnerable populations; to give more time to patients who have been brushed aside. I want to become a Physician Assistant so that the values of compassion, service, and respect that my dad instilled in me can be exemplified every day.

[Zen11222]

 

I've revised this several times myself but after a while its hard to find things to change! Thank you for any feedback!

 

It was March of 2010 when I went on my first Alternative Spring Break trip. The destination was Philadelphia, PA and the theme was childhood poverty. I was going to a place I had never been to see something I had never really seen. It would be an understatement to say that the poverty, vulnerability, and struggle that I encountered on that trip changed my life. It was on that trip to Philadelphia that the word service truly began to mean something, where it became a life goal rather than a hobby. During those seven days I found myself continuously questioning my intentions to become a doctor and I realized that the letters "Dr." and the corresponding dollar signs could never mean as much as the faces I would encounter or the service I would provide.

 

In the weeks after the trip I made the commitment to start an honest exploration of career options. Though medicine had always been a prime interest for me, I now found myself seeking a career in health care that relied on compassion rather than credentials, on people rather than prestige, on teamwork rather than being the alpha dog. I sought a career that offered lateral mobility, a career where service was valued as an equal to knowledge. Ultimately, this journey led me to the profession of Physician Assistant, a field that was created to aid a society low on primary care providers, a vocation meant to serve where there was greatest need. It was the perfect fit, and it was something that the title of Dr. would have never allowed me to find.

 

After this discovery, my new mission became to learn more about the PA profession and to prepare for a future in service and in medicine. Unfortunately, this journey was not without its challenges. Throughout the next few years, it seemed like my focus was constantly diverted away from Chapel Hill and towards my family life 853 miles away in Wisconsin. During that time my brother was hit by a drunk driver (he survived), close family friends died, and an immediate family member suffered from a newly diagnosed mental illness and suicide attempts. In those three years, some of my grades suffered as I tried to balance academics, leadership, and heartbreaking phone calls. These trials, however, shaped who I am and continue to guide who I want to become. Through my new found study habits, I learned to rely on teamwork; through late nights reviewing after a quick trip home, I learned discipline; and through helping my family get through difficult nights, I learned compassion. It was ultimately the combination of these three lessons that propelled me back on track towards the PA profession.

 

And then came February 7, 2013. The clock had just struck 1AM and I had put down my biochemistry textbook, just about ready to call it a night. I got the phone call that my dad had passed away after suffering from acute interstitial pneumonia for the past 3 years. He had been told a year, but only given 72 hours. I was told there would be time, but there wasn't. Though the months following were a true struggle to work through, it was not without a special gift to anchor me towards my future: one final conversation with my dad the day before he died. In that conversation I told him about Redeemer Ministry Corps. I told him about this AmeriCorps program that combined my love of service with crucial health care experience. I told him about this program where I would volunteer as a Patient Care Assistant and Pastoral Care Visitor on the Stroke/Acute Care unit. I told him how RMC would allow me to return to Philadelphia where this PA journey started. I told him I would see him tomorrow.

 

I never got the chance to visit my dad in the hospital before he passed away as he died 8 hours before my plane was scheduled to land. But now, every day I go into the hospital, I get the opportunity to treat and care for each patient the way I would hope my dad was cared for in his final hours: with respect, dignity and compassion. During the last ten months in Philadelphia, I have been incredibly humbled and inspired by my experiences with patients and staff members. Whether I am giving a bath to a stroke victim, comforting a recently diagnosed cancer patient, or feeding an Alzheimer's patient, I am reminded more and more each day of how special it is to be part of the healthcare team and to bring about healing to the truly vulnerable. Though I am ready to add the knowledge component to my patient care experience, I am also incredibly thankful for the lessons that I have learned and the journey that has led me here.

 

I want to become a Physician Assistant in order to find that intersection between knowledge and teamwork; to become a part of the solution to the growing need for primary care especially in vulnerable populations; to give more time to patients who have been brushed aside. I want to become a Physician Assistant so that the values of compassion, service, and respect that my dad instilled in me can be exemplified every day.

 

You hit the essay nail on the head! Your essay gave me chills. I can relate to it as my dad passed away last year from Non-Small Cell Adenocarcinoma of the lung. He was a smoker for decades. So your essay watered my eyes and I hope it does the same for your potential interviewer. Great job! If I offered any constructive criticism, I'd say try to make it a tad shorter. These essay readers read hundreds of essays but I'm sure yours will stand out.

[patachok]

I think it is a beautiful story, and well written!

One thing I would fix...be very careful how you talk about MDs. IMHO, try to abstain from negative remarks, mentioning of titles and dollar signs. In your first paragraph, just say that you got interested in helping the kids and then you have a nice tie with the second paragraph. In the second paragraph, again, be gentle about what and how you say things about an MD.

OtherwWise, very very nicely written, one of the best ones I have seen in a while.

Good luck in this fun application process!