bemcclintock Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Hello. This is pretty close to my final draft but I would like to hear any suggestions you might want to share. Thank you for you time and I would love to read your essay! At 8:21 a.m. the home room bell rang. It is another mundane start which would bring me one step closer to graduating high school. As I took my seat, the principal appeared in the doorway and asked to speak with me. I was puzzled. What could he possibly want with me? After we stepped into the hall, he proceeded to say "I am sorry Brooke, your dad died early this morning." My world became a dark blur. Finals, prom, graduation, college-how could I ever pull myself together to embrace these milestones without the support of one of my strongest family members? My father, Kevin, dreamed of his children graduating college and I, being the oldest child, was going to be the first of our family to attend. Growing up in a rural Pennsylvania community, I was accustomed to a modest and challenging lifestyle, but now money was tighter than ever. I chose to attend the local community college, which was an affordable option for me. During the first year, I went to class but did not hear a word. Still deeply mourning my father, I struggled to focus and several of my grades suffered. Over time, my attitude changed. I was able to find peace with my father’s death, and slowly recover energy needed to continue my journey through life. Focusing on the aspirations and work ethic instilled by my dad, I decided to apply to the local dental hygiene school and gained admittance. Dental hygiene became my life vest, and I would not allow myself to sink. I have now been a registered dental hygienist for eleven years, and have learned many things that have made me both a better health care provider and a better person. Since my first day on the job, I realized the importance of being an excellent listener. I listen attentively to the patients in order to obtain a thorough health and dental history. After sharing this information with the dentist prior to patient examinations, the dentist and I take a team-based approach to perform the oral assessments necessary to provide the best preventative, supportive and restorative therapies. Based on our collaborative diagnoses, I am able to teach each patient individualized oral hygiene techniques to help achieve and maintain optimal health. Dental hygiene provides me an incredible opportunity to teach others from a place of experience and confidence. In return, it allows me to grow in my professionalism. I truly enjoy the success and camaraderie of being a team player in our practice, and I am grateful it allows me to build long, trusting relationships with our patients. I consider myself lucky to have practiced dental hygiene in Montana, Maryland, and Washington DC. The beautiful diversity of races, religions, genders, and socio-economic backgrounds I had the opportunity to serve have certainly influenced my personal and professional growth in a positive manner. Continuing to serve the Washington DC area, I benefit each day from the knowledge and experience that the community provides. These unique opportunities have made me a more compassionate, understanding, and tolerant individual with outstanding communication and clinical skills. As an accomplished professional reflecting back upon my father’s early death, I undoubtedly know that it helped me develop a sense of purpose. Just as importantly, the time I have spent as a dental hygienist validated this sense of purpose. In 2006, my interests as a health care provider began to evolve. One of our patients mentioned she was a physician assistant. She was intellectually stimulating and the more experiences she shared with me, the more I began to admire her profession. I found that I wanted to expand my repertoire of knowledge and understand the body as a whole. After learning more about me and my passions in life, the patient educated me about her profession and strongly encouraged me to consider becoming a PA. In 2010, several days after my first son’s birth, I committed to beginning my journey toward becoming a PA. While on maternity leave, I completed an online medical terminology course. My amazing husband supported and encouraged me in my pursuit of this challenging dream. There were many nights spent away from my son, but I held my dream close to my heart and vowed never to lose sight of the big picture. I continued chipping away at school, even retaking many of the science courses that were pre-requisites for dental hygiene school. My drive and commitment pursued through my second pregnancy as I completed the necessary prerequisites for PA school. Peers, many of them pre-PA students, joked that they would assist in delivering the baby if I were to go into labor during class. I am committed to my vision of becoming a PA and have never lost sight of it. I have been asked by many friends, patients, and family members why I want to become a PA. To me the answer seems unequivocal. I want to build upon all that I am, and know; and devote my career to serving my community as a PA. I have the passion and professionalism to be a valuable PA. I am dedicated to teaching individuals in the community how to improve their health. I am self-directed and able to overcome any bumps I may encounter along the way, and I possess a strong work ethic. These characteristics are not all that provide me with the integrity and motivation necessary to be an extraordinary PA. I have a lifetime of experiences, both triumphs and adversities, which define me today. Each endeavor I have encountered has taught me valuable lessons, and it is now time for me to use all I have learned to benefit others as a physician assistant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bemcclintock Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 Hello. This is pretty close to my final draft but I would like to hear any suggestions you might want to share. Thank you for you time and I would love to read your essay! At 8:21 a.m. the home room bell rang. It is another mundane start which would bring me one step closer to graduating high school. As I took my seat, the principal appeared in the doorway and asked to speak with me. I was puzzled. What could he possibly want with me? After we stepped into the hall, he proceeded to say "I am sorry Brooke, your dad died early this morning." My world became a dark blur. Finals, prom, graduation, college-how could I ever pull myself together to embrace these milestones without the support of one of my strongest family members? My father, Kevin, dreamed of his children graduating college and I, being the oldest child, was going to be the first of our family to attend. Growing up in a rural Pennsylvania community, I was accustomed to a modest and challenging lifestyle, but now money was tighter than ever. I chose to attend the local community college, which was an affordable option for me. During the first year, I went to class but did not hear a word. Still deeply mourning my father, I struggled to focus and several of my grades suffered. Over time, my attitude changed. I was able to find peace with my father’s death, and slowly recover energy needed to continue my journey through life. Focusing on the aspirations and work ethic instilled by my dad, I decided to apply to the local dental hygiene school and gained admittance. Dental hygiene became my life vest, and I would not allow myself to sink. I have now been a registered dental hygienist for eleven years, and have learned many things that have made me both a better health care provider and a better person. Since my first day on the job, I realized the importance of being an excellent listener. I listen attentively to the patients in order to obtain a thorough health and dental history. After sharing this information with the dentist prior to patient examinations, the dentist and I take a team-based approach to perform the oral assessments necessary to provide the best preventative, supportive and restorative therapies. Based on our collaborative diagnoses, I am able to teach each patient individualized oral hygiene techniques to help achieve and maintain optimal health. Dental hygiene provides me an incredible opportunity to teach others from a place of experience and confidence. In return, it allows me to grow in my professionalism. I truly enjoy the success and camaraderie of being a team player in our practice, and I am grateful it allows me to build long, trusting relationships with our patients. I consider myself lucky to have practiced dental hygiene in Montana, Maryland, and Washington DC. The beautiful diversity of races, religions, genders, and socio-economic backgrounds I had the opportunity to serve have certainly influenced my personal and professional growth in a positive manner. Continuing to serve the Washington DC area, I benefit each day from the knowledge and experience that the community provides. These unique opportunities have made me a more compassionate, understanding, and tolerant individual with outstanding communication and clinical skills. As an accomplished professional reflecting back upon my father’s early death, I undoubtedly know that it helped me develop a sense of purpose. Just as importantly, the time I have spent as a dental hygienist validated this sense of purpose. In 2006, my interests as a health care provider began to evolve. One of our patients mentioned she was a physician assistant. She was intellectually stimulating and the more experiences she shared with me, the more I began to admire her profession. I found that I wanted to expand my repertoire of knowledge and understand the body as a whole. After learning more about me and my passions in life, the patient educated me about her profession and strongly encouraged me to consider becoming a PA. In 2010, several days after my first son’s birth, I committed to beginning my journey toward becoming a PA. While on maternity leave, I completed an online medical terminology course. My amazing husband supported and encouraged me in my pursuit of this challenging dream. There were many nights spent away from my son, but I held my dream close to my heart and vowed never to lose sight of the big picture. I continued chipping away at school, even retaking many of the science courses that were pre-requisites for dental hygiene school. My drive and commitment pursued through my second pregnancy as I completed the necessary prerequisites for PA school. Peers, many of them pre-PA students, joked that they would assist in delivering the baby if I were to go into labor during class. I am committed to my vision of becoming a PA and have never lost sight of it. I have been asked by many friends, patients, and family members why I want to become a PA. To me the answer seems unequivocal. I want to build upon all that I am, and know; and devote my career to serving my community as a PA. I have the passion and professionalism to be a valuable PA. I am dedicated to teaching individuals in the community how to improve their health. I am self-directed and able to overcome any bumps I may encounter along the way, and I possess a strong work ethic. These characteristics are not all that provide me with the integrity and motivation necessary to be an extraordinary PA. I have a lifetime of experiences, both triumphs and adversities, which define me today. Each endeavor I have encountered has taught me valuable lessons, and it is now time for me to use all I have learned to benefit others as a physician assistant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bemcclintock Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 Hello. This is pretty close to my final draft but I would like to hear any suggestions you might want to share. Thank you for you time and I would love to read your essay! At 8:21 a.m. the home room bell rang. It is another mundane start which would bring me one step closer to graduating high school. As I took my seat, the principal appeared in the doorway and asked to speak with me. I was puzzled. What could he possibly want with me? After we stepped into the hall, he proceeded to say "I am sorry Brooke, your dad died early this morning." My world became a dark blur. Finals, prom, graduation, college-how could I ever pull myself together to embrace these milestones without the support of one of my strongest family members? My father, Kevin, dreamed of his children graduating college and I, being the oldest child, was going to be the first of our family to attend. Growing up in a rural Pennsylvania community, I was accustomed to a modest and challenging lifestyle, but now money was tighter than ever. I chose to attend the local community college, which was an affordable option for me. During the first year, I went to class but did not hear a word. Still deeply mourning my father, I struggled to focus and several of my grades suffered. Over time, my attitude changed. I was able to find peace with my father’s death, and slowly recover energy needed to continue my journey through life. Focusing on the aspirations and work ethic instilled by my dad, I decided to apply to the local dental hygiene school and gained admittance. Dental hygiene became my life vest, and I would not allow myself to sink. I have now been a registered dental hygienist for eleven years, and have learned many things that have made me both a better health care provider and a better person. Since my first day on the job, I realized the importance of being an excellent listener. I listen attentively to the patients in order to obtain a thorough health and dental history. After sharing this information with the dentist prior to patient examinations, the dentist and I take a team-based approach to perform the oral assessments necessary to provide the best preventative, supportive and restorative therapies. Based on our collaborative diagnoses, I am able to teach each patient individualized oral hygiene techniques to help achieve and maintain optimal health. Dental hygiene provides me an incredible opportunity to teach others from a place of experience and confidence. In return, it allows me to grow in my professionalism. I truly enjoy the success and camaraderie of being a team player in our practice, and I am grateful it allows me to build long, trusting relationships with our patients. I consider myself lucky to have practiced dental hygiene in Montana, Maryland, and Washington DC. The beautiful diversity of races, religions, genders, and socio-economic backgrounds I had the opportunity to serve have certainly influenced my personal and professional growth in a positive manner. Continuing to serve the Washington DC area, I benefit each day from the knowledge and experience that the community provides. These unique opportunities have made me a more compassionate, understanding, and tolerant individual with outstanding communication and clinical skills. As an accomplished professional reflecting back upon my father’s early death, I undoubtedly know that it helped me develop a sense of purpose. Just as importantly, the time I have spent as a dental hygienist validated this sense of purpose. In 2006, my interests as a health care provider began to evolve. One of our patients mentioned she was a physician assistant. She was intellectually stimulating and the more experiences she shared with me, the more I began to admire her profession. I found that I wanted to expand my repertoire of knowledge and understand the body as a whole. After learning more about me and my passions in life, the patient educated me about her profession and strongly encouraged me to consider becoming a PA. In 2010, several days after my first son’s birth, I committed to beginning my journey toward becoming a PA. While on maternity leave, I completed an online medical terminology course. My amazing husband supported and encouraged me in my pursuit of this challenging dream. There were many nights spent away from my son, but I held my dream close to my heart and vowed never to lose sight of the big picture. I continued chipping away at school, even retaking many of the science courses that were pre-requisites for dental hygiene school. My drive and commitment pursued through my second pregnancy as I completed the necessary prerequisites for PA school. Peers, many of them pre-PA students, joked that they would assist in delivering the baby if I were to go into labor during class. I am committed to my vision of becoming a PA and have never lost sight of it. I have been asked by many friends, patients, and family members why I want to become a PA. To me the answer seems unequivocal. I want to build upon all that I am, and know; and devote my career to serving my community as a PA. I have the passion and professionalism to be a valuable PA. I am dedicated to teaching individuals in the community how to improve their health. I am self-directed and able to overcome any bumps I may encounter along the way, and I possess a strong work ethic. These characteristics are not all that provide me with the integrity and motivation necessary to be an extraordinary PA. I have a lifetime of experiences, both triumphs and adversities, which define me today. Each endeavor I have encountered has taught me valuable lessons, and it is now time for me to use all I have learned to benefit others as a physician assistant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tour9196 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Just some first thoughts: 'During the first year, I went to class but did not hear a word.' - I'm not sure what you mean here, It caught me off guard while reading through and went back to see if I was missing the point, but "did not hear a word" didn't make any sense. 'The beautiful diversity of races, religions, genders, and socio-economic backgrounds I had the opportunity to serve have certainly influenced my personal and professional growth in a positive manner'. - This sentence needs restructuring 'Peers, many of them pre-PA students, joked that they would assist in delivering the baby if I were to go into labor during class.' - This was really random, I'm not sure what the point of this sentence was or it basically doesn't fit very well 'I have the passion and professionalism to be a valuable PA. I am dedicated to teaching individuals in the community how to improve their health. I am self-directed and able to overcome any bumps I may encounter along the way, and I possess a strong work ethic.' - Try to clean this up, maybe make it all into one sentence. Overall it needs work, sorry to say. I would go through and see if you can state each sentence in a more concise way then work on the overall flow of the paragraph. It also is a bit boring and I think if you it up a bit can make it a more 'grabbing' essay. It is a good story just needs work. Good luck! Oh and my essay up on this site so please be brutal to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tour9196 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Just some first thoughts: 'During the first year, I went to class but did not hear a word.' - I'm not sure what you mean here, It caught me off guard while reading through and went back to see if I was missing the point, but "did not hear a word" didn't make any sense. 'The beautiful diversity of races, religions, genders, and socio-economic backgrounds I had the opportunity to serve have certainly influenced my personal and professional growth in a positive manner'. - This sentence needs restructuring 'Peers, many of them pre-PA students, joked that they would assist in delivering the baby if I were to go into labor during class.' - This was really random, I'm not sure what the point of this sentence was or it basically doesn't fit very well 'I have the passion and professionalism to be a valuable PA. I am dedicated to teaching individuals in the community how to improve their health. I am self-directed and able to overcome any bumps I may encounter along the way, and I possess a strong work ethic.' - Try to clean this up, maybe make it all into one sentence. Overall it needs work, sorry to say. I would go through and see if you can state each sentence in a more concise way then work on the overall flow of the paragraph. It also is a bit boring and I think if you it up a bit can make it a more 'grabbing' essay. It is a good story just needs work. Good luck! Oh and my essay up on this site so please be brutal to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKR007 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 There might be a few phrasing issues but I think your story is really great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKR007 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 There might be a few phrasing issues but I think your story is really great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsman2PA Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 Just some first thoughts:'During the first year, I went to class but did not hear a word.' - I'm not sure what you mean here, It caught me off guard while reading through and went back to see if I was missing the point, but "did not hear a word" didn't make any sense. I'm pretty sure the OP is using this as a metaphor as in "I was there in body, but not in the right mind." I personally didn't find it confusing at all. They clear it up with stating that they struggled to focus, and their grades suffered. Which, to the OPs credit, great job at showing reason/situation for bad grades in your past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.