First (very rough) Draft

[jbuff]

Hello,

 

I appreciate all comments, suggestions, and critiques of my (very rough draft) personal statement. I know I need to add more to this, but I wanted to get an opinion on what I already have put together. Thank you!

 

I called the patient’s name and noticed he was seated in a wheelchair. He was at his appointment alone and needed assistance getting back to the patient room. I walked into the waiting room to help him back to the room and the memory of why he was in the wheelchair flooded back to me.

 

It was a warm spring Saturday and I was completing my pediatric emergency assessment, recognition, and stabilization class. We broke for lunch and my pager sounded - “_________ Fire Rescue respond to the home of a male aged 60-65 years of age, unable to communicate with family, confused, right-sided weakness since 9:30 this morning.” My first thought was stroke, but I depend upon my assessment skills once I reach the patient to guide my treatment. This gentleman was sitting in bed upon our arrival. The patient was struck by aphasia, positive signs of right-sided weakness, and I could see the fear in his eyes. We immediately transported him to the hospital. He was fully aware of what was happening and could understand everything we were saying to him. I will never forget the look on his face, through his eyes I could see the cries for help. During transport I continued to talk to him and explain what we were doing. It was the comfort I could offer to him during this terrifying experience.

 

Under normal circumstances once a patient has been transported and received by the hospital I don’t know what happens to them, but here he was! I asked if he remembered me from his ambulance ride. He said slowly and deliberately, “Yes, I do.” And then he smiled. I cannot explain the joy I felt knowing he had survived his stroke. Hearing his voice was music to my ears. His daughter arrived for the appointment and I explained to her that I was in the ambulance with her father. She told me his stroke was quite devastating, but his recovery was coming along quite well. At that moment I understood by saving the life of one you can change the lives of many. By helping this man I have changed not only his life, but his daughter’s life, the lives of his family members by his side that day, and the lives of others who are touched by him.

 

As an EMT and medical assistant I have helped people to the best of my ability, but I want to do more. I want to be a Physician Assistant so I can be more involved in the diagnosing and treatment plans for patients.

This is the what I have so far and I understand that I need to have a strong conclusion to the narrative. I am going to continue working on the rest of the narrative.

 

Any help is appreciated! Thank you, Jennifer

[jbuff]

Hello,

 

I appreciate all comments, suggestions, and critiques of my (very rough draft) personal statement. I know I need to add more to this, but I wanted to get an opinion on what I already have put together. Thank you!

 

I called the patient’s name and noticed he was seated in a wheelchair. He was at his appointment alone and needed assistance getting back to the patient room. I walked into the waiting room to help him back to the room and the memory of why he was in the wheelchair flooded back to me.

 

It was a warm spring Saturday and I was completing my pediatric emergency assessment, recognition, and stabilization class. We broke for lunch and my pager sounded - “_________ Fire Rescue respond to the home of a male aged 60-65 years of age, unable to communicate with family, confused, right-sided weakness since 9:30 this morning.” My first thought was stroke, but I depend upon my assessment skills once I reach the patient to guide my treatment. This gentleman was sitting in bed upon our arrival. The patient was struck by aphasia, positive signs of right-sided weakness, and I could see the fear in his eyes. We immediately transported him to the hospital. He was fully aware of what was happening and could understand everything we were saying to him. I will never forget the look on his face, through his eyes I could see the cries for help. During transport I continued to talk to him and explain what we were doing. It was the comfort I could offer to him during this terrifying experience.

 

Under normal circumstances once a patient has been transported and received by the hospital I don’t know what happens to them, but here he was! I asked if he remembered me from his ambulance ride. He said slowly and deliberately, “Yes, I do.” And then he smiled. I cannot explain the joy I felt knowing he had survived his stroke. Hearing his voice was music to my ears. His daughter arrived for the appointment and I explained to her that I was in the ambulance with her father. She told me his stroke was quite devastating, but his recovery was coming along quite well. At that moment I understood by saving the life of one you can change the lives of many. By helping this man I have changed not only his life, but his daughter’s life, the lives of his family members by his side that day, and the lives of others who are touched by him.

 

As an EMT and medical assistant I have helped people to the best of my ability, but I want to do more. I want to be a Physician Assistant so I can be more involved in the diagnosing and treatment plans for patients.

This is the what I have so far and I understand that I need to have a strong conclusion to the narrative. I am going to continue working on the rest of the narrative.

 

Any help is appreciated! Thank you, Jennifer

[atheaslet]

I like it, maybe try to tie your conclusion in with the story a little better. The conclusion gets your point across as to why you would be a great pa but it is abrupt and doesn't go with the rest of it. It is a very emotional story and if you want to get a little more pathos out of it expand on the 'then he smiled' part. The short sentence is great, but mentioning it another way would be good, the smile might be what you tie into the conclusion somehow. It has been awhile since I've had to write like this... Hope i helped a bit.

[atheaslet]

I like it, maybe try to tie your conclusion in with the story a little better. The conclusion gets your point across as to why you would be a great pa but it is abrupt and doesn't go with the rest of it. It is a very emotional story and if you want to get a little more pathos out of it expand on the 'then he smiled' part. The short sentence is great, but mentioning it another way would be good, the smile might be what you tie into the conclusion somehow. It has been awhile since I've had to write like this... Hope i helped a bit.

[jbuff]

Thank you for the feedback. I know the conclusion is very weak right now, so I will definitely rewrite. Your suggestion of using the smile in the conclusion is a great thought and I will try to figure out how to tie it in. Thanks again!

[jbuff]

Thank you for the feedback. I know the conclusion is very weak right now, so I will definitely rewrite. Your suggestion of using the smile in the conclusion is a great thought and I will try to figure out how to tie it in. Thanks again!