Please critic the first draft of my PS

[apescience]

any criticism or comments are appreciated, thanks in advance.

 

I was eight years old and as I remember, it was a warm summer day, but there was a cold chill that acted as a thick fog that dribbled about my house. This feeling, this emotion had been stagnant for weeks and it was almost tangible as I lay waiting for the inevitable. Then it happens, my mom walks in to a silent living room and tells me in a calm voice “he’s passed on now.” Having to experience a parent’s death at such a young age could spell emotional disaster for a young child, but I have used this tragic event as a point in my life to grasp onto and use as motivation on my path to becoming a PA, so I might one day help save a child from the feelings I had to endure.

 

Ever since cancer took my dad’s life I have been interested in medical sciences and the human body. This curiosity eventually led me to study exercise physiology. The first three years of college I played football for the University of ________. Although it was a great opportunity to play football at a division one university, it was a doubled edged sword. As I endured the thirty hour weeks at football and the new stressors of college, my grades suffered. From this adversity I gained vital intangibles such as: the importance of planning ahead, mental toughness, work ethic, the impact of team work and perseverance no matter how large the obstacle.

 

My experiences as a collegiate athlete coupled with the motivation to become a Physician Assistant drove me shine in school which dramatically improved my grade point average . My commitment to this career led me to several opportunities to shadow and observe experienced Physician Assistants in clinical settings that are competitive and very selective with regard to the students selected to participate in shadowing. Through my shadowing experiences I discovered a feeling of complete immersion and accomplishment which rival even the biggest athletic competition or academic achievement.

 

In summary, I believe the empathy, motivation , reliability and resolve that I have developed as an athlete , a person and a student are key to becoming an effective and successful PA. I have a passion for this career and the ability that I have gained through the obstacles that I have overcome have left me an able vessel to be filled with the knowledge to become a physician assistant that can make an impact on peoples’ lives.

[Howezer]

Noticed a few grammatical mistakes. Think you wanted, 'drove me to shine'. Know you will fix these before submitting. I've heard PA schools want you to show an understanding of what a PA does or is. Feel this is one thing your paper didn't cover entirely.

[bgdog]

First drafts are just that, first drafts, re-write re-write then re-write some more, have friends read, polish, THEN post.

 

Having read a bunch of student PS's, they all like to come out swinging with a dramatic story. My opinion is that it's used for dramatic effect, they want to know who you are. Tell them that, then if at some point, slip that in if you absolutely need to, it will be subtle but still have some punch.