Looking for a KILLER statement... Annihilation of this draft is highly encouraged

[sto27]

So this is the first draft of my PS. I sincerely welcome any and all criticism of the content/structure of the statement, and I would appreciate any edits (length, syntax, etc.) you guys may suggest. Feel free to comment as you see fit; no offense will be taken. And for those who may feel like you're "writing" my statement for me, don't worry you're not: this is still my statement at the end of the day and I am fully aware that its effectiveness lies squarely on these shoulders :;;D:

 

 

 

 

 

The relaxing atmosphere of summer vacation found me reclining on my bed that morning. As I lay watching the television, not much occupied my mental space -- deep thought was strictly reserved for the school semester. That perspective changed drastically once my younger brother burst into my bedroom: “Daddy’s gone.” The emotionality and forcefulness with which those emphatic words were delivered caught me off-guard. I was stunned that such a succinct statement could elicit the feelings of emptiness that ensued. Somehow, I found myself exiting the predictability of my bedroom and meandering towards the uncertainty that awaited me in the family room. I met my mother, stepfather, brother and sister already seated, each gazing into the abyss without uttering a word. As I slumped into the nearest chair, countless thoughts began to swirl around in my head. Recollections of my uncle’s selfless disposition and jovial countenance began to flood my memory. The invaluable wisdom garnered from him during his tenure as a surrogate in the absence of my biological father: that was the reason we called him “Daddy.” Despite the pervasiveness of the grief that began to descend, I sensed an internal dichotomy commencing between feelings of despair and an unshakable obligation to do something to alter the scene of hopelessness that surrounded me.

 

In retrospect, the death of my uncle proved to be a pivotal moment in my life. Among its many consequences, it played a decisive role in my present desire to become a physician assistant. My first extensive exposure to physician assistants arose from visits to the oncology ward of the hospital where my uncle received chemotherapy treatments to battle his aggressive pancreatic cancer. While the entire hospital staff did an excellent job of attending to my family during our time of greatest trial, I was particularly impressed by a physician assistant named Lisa. Despite her busy schedule, Lisa’s concern and understanding were overwhelmingly evident. The time and effort she invested in ensuring we understood each option’s potential outcome was greatly appreciated. Moreover, as a biology student in his first year of undergraduate studies at the time, I had many queries regarding the physiological progression of such a lethal disease which Lisa happily addressed. A few more conversations with Lisa convinced me that pursuing a career in the medical field would be the appropriate career choice for me. Initially, the only way to make a difference seemed to lie in the discovery of cures for life-threatening diseases. However, upon contemplating the events pertinent to my uncle’s passing, I realized that the comfort and compassion afforded to a patient are just as important as the drug that is prescribed. Though sickness cannot be entirely avoided, the experience of his hospitalization instilled a strong ambition to practice medicine: not only to diagnose and treat illnesses, but to do so while rendering empathy that is often neglected within the clinical setting.

 

The progression of my uncle’s debilitation served as an exceptional juxtaposition for my eventual position as a physical therapy aide. There, I was granted the opportunity to witness and take part in peoples’ healing and rehabilitation. The number of patients I was able to establish a propitious rapport with surprised me. Assisting patients with exercises while simultaneously discussing the events in their lives, whether good or bad, was extremely gratifying to me. Hearing patients inquire “Is he going to be there on that day?” as they scheduled their next appointment solidified the fact that my presence, though seemingly insignificant in comparison to the upper level providers, truly did make a difference. My time as an aide caused me to comprehend that medicine is more than just the diagnosis and prescription: it is playing an active role in the road to recovery.

 

The events that have occurred in my life have immeasurably motivated me to pursue a career as a physician assistant. Though many would consider me “young,” I am convinced that the experiences endured have bestowed a degree of awareness upon me that will equip me to empathize with patients. I consider it an invaluable privilege to be able to facilitate the recovery of those who are physically afflicted. My experiences thus far have enabled me to do that in a preliminary fashion, and I believe that a career as a physician assistant will grant me the opportunity to accomplish that goal in a much greater manner.

[piratesmile867]

very well written in my opinion

[Andreasmo]

I agree that it is well written. I would just tweak a few things. In the second paragraph, you say "present desire," which makes it sound transient. Also, in the conclusion, you mention being "young". I definitely would not bring age into the equation-- at this point, it is an admissions committee knowing nothing really about you besides your grades, test scores, and now what you are writing and telling them. Don't give them a reason to view you as a "young" or a potentially unqualified candidate. If I would add or change anything, it would be that I would talk about more experiences or reasons that I want to become a PA. I know character count is your enemy here, but you spend a lot of time building up your background story and very little time talking about what you have done to make yourself a strong candidate. Good luck, I'll stay on the lookout for future drafts :)