5th EDITION PERSONAL STATEMENT...PLEASE READ AND CRTIIQUE! THANK YOU KINDLY!

[Jchyat]

Hi again, I would really appreciate if anybody will give me some feedback on my new and hopefully improved personal statement. I have went through the paragraphs and tried to space all of the words appropriately but I might have missed a few. For some reason when I copy pasted it here from Word it did that. Thank you very much!!

 

One day in my sophomore year of high school, I was playing a basketball game for my high school basketball team the Tigers. The game had just ended in a victory for my team and we were very happy. As we walked off the court with smiles on our faces, and the parents stood up from the bleachers, devastation struck. A father of one of the players on the opposing team suddenly collapsed and fell from the bleachers, clutching his chest, all expression gone from his face. I wanted to help him but I did not know what to do, I felt helpless. Someone had already called 911, what else could I do? Was he alive? Was he dead? The man was not breathing, his eyes wide open, everybody was in sheer panic, and there I was feeling the guilt, for I could not help this man.

There have been multiple occasions in my life that made me want to work in the medical field, specifically as a physician assistant. From visiting the emergency room so many times for outrageously painful migraines, to my mother and father being hospitalized for their own sicknesses, the hospital at one point in my life sort of became a home. Since I was little, every time I went to an emergency room or doctor’s office I felt safe. The sound of the heart monitors were surprisingly not annoying, but soothing to me, and I admired those friendly people walking around in their white lab coats, who are mainly physicians and physician assistants. Where I am from most of the people walking around the emergency rooms are physician assistants, because the city hospitals are very big and crowded, and therefore need a handful of physician assistants to help manage the floor.

For as far back as I could remember I have always been a part of a challenging, competitive, and successful team. I played soccer for ten years on a nationally competitive team, as well as my high school team, women's college team. Now I am EMT-B on a first response EMS squad that covers the college campus along with providing mutual aid to the surrounding areas. Through all of these experiences, I have learned that in order to have an operative team you must work together with every team member individually as well as collectively to increase team chemistry, work ethic, and synchronicity. It has always been my responsibility to keep myself and my teammates calm, focused and organized at the critical moments. Each member must have the ability to work together to make critical decisions, be dedicated to the tasks, support the common goal, and be confident in the team’s abilities. It is my true conviction that these are qualities that must be present in any healthcare team in order for them to deliver efficacious treatment.

As a physician assistant, I plan to incorporate the biopsychosocial treatment into healthcare encompassing all three biological, social-cultural, and psychological aspects when treating patients in order to provide them the most efficient care. As I previously mentioned I am a fully certified EMT, and I am also an emergency department administrator. I have seen and dealt with a variety of medical cases from seizures to mental health patients to all different types of trauma, and I absolutely love it. Whenever I am working in the emergency department signing a patient in, I am always wishing I was in back with the floor’s surgical physician assistant taking part in all of the hands on care. However, I believe from being an emergency room administrator and an EMT that I have learned a lot, and it has provided me with good base knowledge, experience, and professionalism for my future physician assistant career.

Why I want to be a physician assistant is quite simple. I would like to take my healthcare knowledge and experience further. I want to work and surround myself with some of the smartest people in the field of medicine while contributing my own knowledge, compassion and purpose to help better the lives of others. I believe that paying it forward, spreading positivity and good health is the ultimate key to a happy life and self-fulfillment. Also, I love the versatility the job has to offer. I am the type of person who enjoys challenge and change, while excelling in different areas. For instance, I enjoy orthopedics, rheumatology, dermatology, and surgery, and if I could specialize in each of these categories I would. Determination, hard work, and experience are the qualities that I have and will utilize to make my future successful. No matter how long or how much effort it takes, this is my dream and I will do whatever it takes to live it.

[atheaslet]

"my basketball team (,) the Tigers"

In the second paragraph I don't think you should use "sort of" It is an informal expression that does not really belong in an essay.

"admired ('the' instead of 'those') friendly people"

and the biopsychosocial part is a little awkward to read

 

I get what you are trying to say though, I think it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. One way to make it a little more powerful is whenever you state an opinion, back it up with an experience that explains why. So that might entail narrowing your essay to only a couple points so you have the space to elaborate. Nice job though. Just like anyone's critique on this thing they are my opinion.

[atheaslet]

"my basketball team (,) the Tigers"

In the second paragraph I don't think you should use "sort of" It is an informal expression that does not really belong in an essay.

"admired ('the' instead of 'those') friendly people"

and the biopsychosocial part is a little awkward to read

 

I get what you are trying to say though, I think it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. One way to make it a little more powerful is whenever you state an opinion, back it up with an experience that explains why. So that might entail narrowing your essay to only a couple points so you have the space to elaborate. Nice job though. Just like anyone's critique on this thing they are my opinion.

[Jchyat]

Thank you! I have already submitted my application, but I think I caught most of the errors you have pointed out. Thank you for your time and response, it is much appreciated!

[Jchyat]

Thank you! I have already submitted my application, but I think I caught most of the errors you have pointed out. Thank you for your time and response, it is much appreciated!