portion of my PS critiqued

[Guest carolanimal]

Hello all. Can you guys take a look at this and tell me what you think? Thank you in advance.

 

 

 

 

 

Consequently, my first introduction ever to the physician assistant profession was during my father's hospital stay. At one point while I was spending time with my father, a neurosurgeon stopped in and began to explain a few concepts about the drips and the ventilator to what I presumed was a medical resident. I was immediately intrigued. He was called somewhere else and I, being characteristically nosy, asked her how long her residency was going to be. With a steady smile, she gently stated that she was a physician assistant and answered my quizzical facial expression with "Think of it like a masters in medicine." The famous astrophysicist Carl Sagan once quipped that humans are "significance junkies". I readily admit to being one. I will forever take that moment as my father's final and fateful token of guidance and direction. If there was ever a slow motion movie montage recounting all of the life changing moments of my life, this would be one of them. In addition, logistical reasons such as lack of time and money have taken the option of medical school off the table for me. My father's death also showed me that I do not want to sacrifice so many of my personal relationships for such an extended period of time. I want to enjoy the people I have in my life while I still have them.

[mktalon]

my first introduction to the physician assistant profession was during my father's hospital stay. while I was spending time with my father, a neurosurgeon stopped in and began to explain a few concepts about the drips and the ventilator to what I presumed was a medical resident. I was immediately intrigued (why were you intrigued by somebody explaining IV drips?). He (vague) was called somewhere else and I, being characteristically nosy, asked her how long her residency was going to be. With a steady smile, she gently stated that she was a physician assistant and answered my quizzical facial expression with "Think of it like a masters in medicine." The famous astrophysicist Carl Sagan once quipped that humans are "significance junkies". I readily admit to being one. I will forever take that moment as my father's final and fateful token of guidance and direction. If there was ever a slow motion movie montage recounting all of the life changing moments of my life, this would be one of them (what was a slow motion montage? the PA telling you she was a PA?). In addition (in addition to what? you never stated anything), logistical reasons such as lack of time and money have taken the option of medical school off the table for me. My father's death also showed me that I do not want to sacrifice so many of my personal relationships for such an extended period of time. I want to enjoy the people I have in my life while I still have them.

 

I took out some unnecessary words and phrases to give you a start. Not to be rude, but this really is not a strong paragraph. You don't really say anything other than a PA gave you a half-assed answer to what a PA is. You never even stated that you wanted to be a PA, even though you allude to it. The whole slow motion thing really doesn't sell me. I have a hard time believing that a PA telling you that she was a PA initiated a "slow motion" event in your life. Keep at it and keep writing new ideas. Good luck.

[LaBombera]

I liked it. Heartfelt. Maybe it might be a little too sentimental for a PS where we are limited to 625 words, so my comment really depends on what the rest of your essay looks like.

[Guest carolanimal]

Here is my revision:

Consequently, my father’s hospital stay served as a first introduction to the physician assistant profession. At one point while I was spending time with my father, a neurosurgeon stopped in and began to explain a few concepts about the drips and the ventilator to what I presumed was a medical resident. Their conversation immediately intrigued me. He was called elsewhere and I, being characteristically nosy, asked her how long her residency was going to be. With a steady smile, she gently clarified that she was a physician assistant. "Think of it like a masters in medicine," she told me, seeing that I was still confused. The famous astrophysicist Carl Sagan once quipped that humans are "significance junkies". I readily admit to being one. I will forever take that moment as my father's final and fateful token of guidance and direction. In addition, logistical reasons such as lack of time and money have taken the option of medical school off the table for me. My father's death also showed me that I do not want to sacrifice so many of my personal relationships for such an extended period of time. I want to enjoy the people I have in my life while I still have them.

 

Is this explanation at the end of this paragraph for why I'm going PA vs MD well written?

[Guest carolanimal]

my first introduction to the physician assistant profession was during my father's hospital stay. while I was spending time with my father, a neurosurgeon stopped in and began to explain a few concepts about the drips and the ventilator to what I presumed was a medical resident. I was immediately intrigued (why were you intrigued by somebody explaining IV drips?). He (vague) was called somewhere else and I, being characteristically nosy, asked her how long her residency was going to be. With a steady smile, she gently stated that she was a physician assistant and answered my quizzical facial expression with "Think of it like a masters in medicine." The famous astrophysicist Carl Sagan once quipped that humans are "significance junkies". I readily admit to being one. I will forever take that moment as my father's final and fateful token of guidance and direction. If there was ever a slow motion movie montage recounting all of the life changing moments of my life, this would be one of them (what was a slow motion montage? the PA telling you she was a PA?). In addition (in addition to what? you never stated anything), logistical reasons such as lack of time and money have taken the option of medical school off the table for me. My father's death also showed me that I do not want to sacrifice so many of my personal relationships for such an extended period of time. I want to enjoy the people I have in my life while I still have them.

 

I took out some unnecessary words and phrases to give you a start. Not to be rude, but this really is not a strong paragraph. You don't really say anything other than a PA gave you a half-assed answer to what a PA is. You never even stated that you wanted to be a PA, even though you allude to it. The whole slow motion thing really doesn't sell me. I have a hard time believing that a PA telling you that she was a PA initiated a "slow motion" event in your life. Keep at it and keep writing new ideas. Good luck.

 

Looking at this you are so right. That whole excerpt sucked big time. So happy I went with something else haha!