Need feedback on Supplemental App PS

[radtech1]

Good evening ya'll. I was wondering if someone could take a look at my PS for supplemental application. I'm not a strong writer at all and would appreciate the feedback on if i'm going in the wrong direction. We're supposed to write about how we fit into this particular program and we will help the PA program mission. The program I am writing this particular PS for is very primary care and helping underserved people. Please I want honest feedback, but don't be hateful, this is my first time doing this and I am trying. Thanks!

I believe that being a physician assistant is a contribution to society that I am eager to fulfill. Since the age of 17, I knew that I wanted to work somewhere in the healthcare industry, but wasn’t sure in what area or how I would obtain the education necessary. When I first entered college, I knew what I wanted, but couldn’t get the grades needed for me to succeed since I lacked the focus needed to pursue a medical degree. As a child I was lead to believe that I would not amount to much and that my aspirations of going to graduate school was not possible. I lived with this sentiment for many years; and it wasn’t until I joined the U.S. Army and with encouragement from instructors from the military physician assistant program and medical laboratory instructors that I finally gained the courage and confidence to prove to myself that I could do well in college. I also wanted to prove to others in my life that I could do well and graduate from a four year university. I have overcome that hurdle in my life and am now eager to prove to myself once again that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

 

My time in the military; though difficult at times, has taught me to be a stronger person and has pushed me to be a better leader. From my first week at basic training, the NCO’s in charge of me saw that I had leadership qualities. As a leader, I had to make sure that the people under me where taken care of. It was my responsibility to make sure that my people were excelling in all aspects of their military career. Being in the military has not only given confidence, but also taught me patience, determination; self sacrifice and not to ever give up.

 

As a first generation American and having parents come from an underdeveloped country, I understand the need to want to help those who do not have the need or the capability to help themselves. That is why it is important to give back to my local community and also to help those in my family’s home country of Haiti. This is why I think I would fit perfectly into this program. I have the desire to better those around me, and provide the best healthcare possible. Over the past year I have been shadowing a physician assistant; and have found that most of his patients are people who are living in reduced circumstances. His boundless patience with them has inspired me to want to practice in the way that he does. My hope is to one day; after getting a few years of experience, to join the Peace Corp. and give medical aid to people in third world countries that are in dire need of it.

 

I believe I would excel in this program because of my healthcare experience and my drive to help others. I have worked in both retail and mail order pharmacies for about 10 years. I studied radiology for two years and have worked and done rotations in several radiology clinics. Currently, I am working as a medical laboratory technician, as a blood bank technician and phlebotomist. I believe that all these skills have made me a well rounded person and will help me along in this PA program. I am driven to deliver the best healthcare possible, nothing is more important to me then making sure patients are taken care of physically and mentally no matter what walk of life they come from.

 

Primary care clinicians are a huge part of the medical system, they work to initially diagnose patients and are able to see all different kinds of issues that patients have. Primary care clinicians tend to be well rounded in the medicine; they get to practice in different fields of study on a daily and are not locked into one specialty. I would be proud to call myself one of them.

[Just Steve]

You have a lot of cool things in here and sound like you have a very solid chance at fitting the mold for primary/under served care. In my opinion, the delivery of your information could flow a bit better using strong, affirmative sentences. A lot of your paragraph's first lines were "I feel" or "I think" or other vague blahs. I read your first couple of lines and the first thought I had was "yawn". However, half way through your first paragraph I thought "wait a second... this person has something to say". Keep in mind we are talking stylistic differences... my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Don't feel that you have to radically change that much. I read through your PS and after just one read I found myself wanting to more about you aka: I'd want to interview you... below are a couple of ideas for change...

 

Good evening ya'll. I was wondering if someone could take a look at my PS for supplemental application. I'm not a strong writer at all and would appreciate the feedback on if i'm going in the wrong direction. We're supposed to write about how we fit into this particular program and we will help the PA program mission. The program I am writing this particular PS for is very primary care and helping underserved people. Please I want honest feedback, but don't be hateful, this is my first time doing this and I am trying. Thanks!

I believe that being a physician assistant is a contribution to society that I am eager to fulfill. This sentence sounds wishy washy to me...it almost reads like "I think this is a profession I might be interested in". My suggestion is that you grab the reader with your first few lines. Come out of the gate swinging with something like "Through my experience growing up as a first generation American serving in the military and medical field, I know the physician assistant field is for me." Right there the reader knows you have military experience, medical experience, and have probably faced some adversity trying to adjust to a culture that is not exactly seamless to integrate into. This gets the reader wondering "what is this person's story?" Since the age of 17, I knew that I wanted to work somewhere in the healthcare industry, but wasn’t sure in what area or how I would obtain the education necessary. Fluff...not really relevant to much.. hardly any kids know what they want. Those who think they know what they want generally do something completely different anyways. When I first entered college, I knew what I wanted, but couldn’t get the grades needed for me to succeed since I lacked the focus needed to pursue a medical degree. As a child I was lead to believe that I would not amount to much and that my aspirations of going to graduate school was not possible. I lived with this sentiment for many years I like the fact you are admitting your faults. I could see filling in a good reason of why you did poorly, perhaps bringing in the bit about lack of support from home, or cultural differences, or whatever the lack of support from home was... and it wasn’t until I joined the U.S. Army and with encouragement from instructors from the military physician assistant program and medical laboratory instructors that I finally gained the courage and confidence to prove to myself that I could do well in college. I also wanted to prove to others in my life that I could do well and graduate from a four year university. I have overcome that hurdle in my life and am now eager to prove to myself once again that I can do whatever I put my mind to. What did you do in the service?

 

My time in the military; though difficult at times, has taught me to be a stronger person and has pushed me to be a better leader. From my first week at basic training, the NCO’s in charge of me saw that I had leadership qualities. As a leader, I had to make sure that the people under me where taken care of. It was my responsibility to make sure that my people were excelling in all aspects of their military career.Most readers of your PS understand what a leader is. As readers, we are curious at WHAT you did as a leader? Did you mentor? In what way? How many people? Fire squad leader? Laboratory supervisor? Being in the military has not only given confidence, but also taught me patience, determination; self sacrifice and not to ever give up.

 

As a first generation American and having parents come from an underdeveloped country, I understand the need to want to help those who do not have the need or the capability to help themselves. That is why it is important to give back to my local community and also to help those in my family’s home country of Haiti. I like this line. This is why I think I would fit perfectly into this program. I have the desire to better those around me, and provide the best healthcare possible. Over the past year I have been shadowing a physician assistant; and have found that most of his patients are people who are living in reduced circumstances. His boundless patience with them has inspired me to want to practice in the way that he does. My hope is to one day; after getting a few years of experience, to join the Peace Corp. and give medical aid to people in third world countries that are in dire need of it. Because of your ties to Haiti and your military service, I tend to believe your desire to go to the Peace Corps and not dismiss it as "lip service". I think that line should stay in. Had you not had the military experience and had you just been another American household with multi generations living in the same town, I'd think the "joining Peace Corps" wasn't really genuine.

 

I believe I would excel in this program because of my healthcare experience and my drive to help others. I have worked in both retail and mail order pharmacies for about 10 years. Don't tell me "I believe"... tell me "I will excel as a PA because ..." I'd re arrange the recount of your experience to put the most current first then maybe mention the rad background. They can get the bit about pharm off of the rest of your application and I don't think it puts much weight into your PS. I studied radiology for two years and have worked and done rotations in several radiology clinics. Currently, I am working as a medical laboratory technician, as a blood bank technician and phlebotomist. I believe Skip the "I believe". Insert " These skills have made me...."that all these skills have made me a well rounded person and will help me along in this PA program. I am driven to deliver the best healthcare possible, nothing is more important to me then making sure patients are taken care of physically and mentally no matter what walk of life they come from.

 

Primary care clinicians are a huge part of the medical system, they work to initially diagnose patients and are able to see all different kinds of issues that patients have. Primary care clinicians tend to be well rounded in the medicine; they get to practice in different fields of study on a daily and are not locked into one specialty. I would be proud to call myself one of them.Weak closing. Start off strong in your essay, end strong in your essay. The AdCom knows what a primary care clinician is and what they do. What they don't know is why you would make a good one. Why would you be proud to call yourself one...are you proud that you are not locked into one specialty? Are you proud to be well rounded? Or, instead, are you proud to have found your focus in medicine, proud that have worked in the field of medicine for many years, proud that have pushed past your earlier detractors, proud that you served your country, proud that you rose above the naysayers and proved that you DO succeed at what you strive to do, proud to serve a population of patients that you can relate very closely to?

 

I think you're on the right track, Assuming you meet the requirements of the school you are applying to and have some decent letters of recommendations, I'd bet you'll get an interview. From that point, it's up to you to perform well. I wish you best of luck. Keep us updated how it goes!

[radtech1]

Thank you so much for the feedback. I will definetly take your advice. I have the requirements down, no problem it has just been writing these PS's that have been the hardest thing for me to do. Anyway, thank you again, you've been a real help.:=D:

[Corpsman2PA]

Can't add much to what Steve said. I strongly second his rec on coming out of the gate strong (and finishing strong). I too yawned at first...but I agree, there's a lot there to make an Adcom look harder at you.