First Time Applicant's First Draft

[emilymnt]

Hello! I am applying for PA programs (Samuel Merritt, Touro University, and Western University) for the first time and would appreciate any feedback given. This is my first draft:

 

My interest in the medical profession was sparked at the age of eight. My family and I were heading to dinner when my dad suddenly turned the car around and stopped behind another parked car. I could see that there was a woman shaking uncontrollably in the passenger seat with no one around to help her. My dad was in his cardiology fellowship at the time and therefore knew he had to help this woman. As he attempted to stabilize her, another woman came running out of the apartment building. Her mother had a seizure while they were driving and she did not know what to do so she went to look for help. We stayed with the pair until the ambulance arrived and I can still recall the gratitude that both women had for my father. From that moment on, I knew I wanted to be able to help others the same way my dad had.

 

This desire to help others only continued to grow as I got older. When I was 17 years old, I was able to participate in a research program for Hepatitis B in the Hmong community. There has always been a shortage of Hmong workers in the medical field and therefore researchers were looking for volunteers to help translate survey questions to the Hmong who did not understand English very well. While helping to translate questions, I began to see how depleted the medical community was of Hmong professionals and I wanted to change that. I began to volunteer with the Kings Winery Clinic which was located in a poverty-stricken area in Fresno, California. The majority of patients who visited this clinic were of Southeast Asian or Hispanic descent. The more I came in to volunteer, the more I began to see the desperate need for more medical professionals who were understanding, compassionate, and relatable to the underserved population. From volunteering, I was able to begin shadowing several of the medical professionals at the clinic. While my shadowing ranged from pediatricians to nurses, the one I found most enjoyable was with the physician assistants. Here I saw the most interaction with patients. The trust and respect formed between patient and physician assistant was something I found truly remarkable. I could see that patients were more open and comfortable with physician assistants as compared to doctors. The level of intimacy found here was one I did not see in any other field and I realized that this, a physician assistant in primary care, was where I had to be to make the greatest impact possible.

 

The more I considered a career as a physician assistant, the more I realized that it was a perfect fit for me. I believe a physician assistant must have certain characteristics to succeed such as leadership, a love for learning, ability to work well with others, and learning from criticism. I find that these characteristics describe me to the core. I am the vice president for my local church youth group and I have held this position for two years and for two years before that, I was secretary. Recently, I have been nominated to join the national youth board of our church as secretary. My growth in position along with consistent reelection confirms my leadership skills and ability to work well and relate with others. As a leader, I have also been subject to criticism and that has taught me how to learn from it and build off of it positively. While in these positions, I was able to continue to help those who were less fortunate. I assisted in beginning many different activities that involved giving back to the community. These activities included free tutoring and free yard work for those who cannot afford it along with food drives to help our local food bank. Helping those who truly need it has always been an important goal in my life and I believe that as a physician assistant, I can continue to pursue that goal.

 

Although I acknowledge that I may be lacking in experience, I know my strengths will help me to not only do well, but excel. My love for learning and determination to succeed in all that I do is evident in the fact that I continue to go to school during my summer and winter breaks. By continuing to pursue higher education in physician assistant studies, I am only doing what I know best: learning. I know that with the knowledge and skills taught to me by my studies in physician assistant, I will be able to successfully help bridge the divide between health care and, not just the Hmong community, but the underserved community as well. As Mother Teresa once said, “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” I understand that as a physician assistant, my duty is to those who need help the most and I know that with the proper guidance, I will be able to do just that.

 

 

My questions:

 

1. Does the intro seem too dramatic?

 

2. Does the quote sound too corny? It's a personal favorite of mine but I'm not sure how others will react to it.

 

Also, pointing out any grammatical or spelling errors would be appreciated. Thanks for your time!

[Corpsman2PA]

Feedback in the dreaded red.

 

Hello! I am applying for PA programs (Samuel Merritt, Touro University, and Western University) for the first time and would appreciate any feedback given. This is my first draft <-----shaking head:

 

My interest in the medical profession was sparked at the age of eight. My family and I were heading to dinner when my dad suddenly turned the car around and stopped behind another parked car. I could see that there was a woman shaking uncontrollably in the passenger seat with no one around to help her. My dad was in his cardiology fellowship at the time and therefore knew he had to help this woman. As he attempted to stabilize her, another woman came running out of the apartment building. Her mother had a seizure while they were driving and she did not know what to do so she went to look for help. We stayed with the pair until the ambulance arrived and I can still recall the gratitude that both women had for my father. From that moment on, I knew I wanted to be able to help others the same way my dad had. Too much for a first paragraph. I want to know about you, not your father.

 

This desire to help others only continued to grow as I got older. When I was 17 years old, I was able to participate in a research program for Hepatitis B in the Hmong community. There has always been a shortage of Hmong workers in the medical field and therefore researchers were looking for volunteers to help translate survey questions to the Hmong who did not understand English very well. While helping to translate questions, I began to see how depleted the medical community was of Hmong professionals and I wanted to change that. I began to volunteer with the Kings Winery Clinic which was located in a poverty-stricken area in Fresno, California. The majority of patients who visited this clinic were of Southeast Asian or Hispanic descent. The more I came in to volunteer, the more I began to see the desperate need for more medical professionals who were understanding, compassionate, and relatable to the underserved population. From volunteering, I was able to begin shadowing several of the medical professionals at the clinic. While my shadowing ranged from pediatricians to nurses, the one I found most enjoyable was with the physician assistants. Here I saw the most interaction with patients. The trust and respect formed between patient and physician assistant was something I found truly remarkable. I could see that patients were more open and comfortable with physician assistants as compared to doctors. <---these last few sentences tell me you have no idea about the PA profession or really healthcare in general. I've seen just as many Docs, Nurses, Medics have tons of meaningful, open, trustworthy relationships as I have PAs (and the other way around-not meaningful, not open, etc). In fact, one of the MDs I work with is by far the one that the patients are most comfortable and open with. This broad sweep of "seeing that patients were more open and comfortable with PAs as compared to doctors" may bode ill for you depending on who reads this. The level of intimacy found here was one I did not see in any other field and I realized that this, a physician assistant in primary care, was where I had to be to make the greatest impact possible.

 

The more I considered a career as a physician assistant, the more I realized that it was a perfect fit for me. I believe a physician assistant must have certain characteristics to succeed such as leadership, a love for learning, ability to work well with others, and learning from criticism. These characteristics are required by others in healthcare as well. What makes it unique to a PA? What about compassion, empathy, trustworthiness, humor, genuineness, and who can forget the killer: Likeability? Personally, I'd take a PA candidate that was genuinely likeable, over one that loved learning or had great leadership. I find that these characteristics describe me to the core. I am the vice president for my local church youth group and I have held this position for two years and for two years before that, I was secretary. Recently, I have been nominated to join the national youth board of our church as secretary. This is good content. My growth in position along with consistent reelection confirms my leadership skills and ability to work well and relate with others. As a leader, I have also been subject to criticism and that has taught me how to learn from it and build off of it positively. While in these positions, I was able to continue to help those who were less fortunate. I assisted in beginning many different activities that involved giving back to the community. These activities included free tutoring and free yard work for those who cannot afford it along with food drives to help our local food bank. Helping those who truly need it has always been an important goal in my life and I believe that as a physician assistant, I can continue to pursue that goal.

 

Although I acknowledge that I may be lacking in experience, I know my strengths will help me to not only do well, but excel. My love for learning and determination to succeed in all that I do is evident in the fact that I continue to go to school during my summer and winter breaks. By continuing to pursue higher education in physician assistant studies, I am only doing what I know best: learning. I know that with the knowledge and skills taught to me by my studies in physician assistant, I will be able to successfully help bridge the divide between health care and, not just the Hmong community, but the underserved community as well. Please re-read that last sentence. Run-on, and excessively wordy. Could be said much more concisely with much more eloquence. As Mother Teresa once said, “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” I understand that as a physician assistant, my duty is to those who need help the most and I know that with the proper guidance, I will be able to do just that. You could also do that as a Nurse, Doctor, Paramedic, etc. See where this is going? You're not selling yourself as somebody who is fully invested in becoming a PA. You're selling yourself as somebody that is involved in the community and would like to try PA school out this application cylce. Redo redo redo. Think of these words while writing: Concise. Eloquent. Theme. Read your statement outloud and you'll find many more inconsistencies than you would by silent reading.

 

Overall you have some content to work with. Without having HCE it is really hard to sell yourself. The Hmong community, especially in the Fresno area is in great need of practitioners such as yourself. Your volunteer experience is desirable. Get creative and really try to make the reader want to meet you. Right now, I don't really want to put your PS in the invite pile. I'd probably grab the next one and start reading...

My questions:

 

1. Does the intro seem too dramatic?

Yes. You waste a whole paragraph with what could be said in a sentence or two. "My desire for medicince began after witnessing my fathers swift intervention on a woman in need of medical assistantce" etc...you get the idea.

2. Does the quote sound too corny? It's a personal favorite of mine but I'm not sure how others will react to it.It

Its not a "corny" quote, I just don't see how it fits in the statement. In other words, if it doesn't provide the "knockout punch" I wouldn't use it.

Also, pointing out any grammatical or spelling errors would be appreciated. Thanks for your time!

Usually I don't bother with first drafts. I'd expect somebody applying to PA school to exercise all resources and have a truly polished PS to post on a public forum that would earn them some genuine "content feedback" rather than just 'tip of the iceberg' feedback. Thats just my opinion however, and isn't worth much. With that said, there are quite a few run-ons where you think the sentence is going to end or there is going to be a comma soon but there isn't and you really start to wonder if the content is connecting between all the other sentences and then the sentence just keeps going and going and going...get my point? There should be some commas in some places, some periods in others. Not terribly bad though. You'll get there. Keep on at it. Good luck with it...its a draining process. :)

 

[emilymnt]

Considering you don't bother with first drafts much, I appreciate the time and effort you put in giving me your opinions. I will definitely continue to revise my personal statement. Thanks for being specific and constructive.