thielen91 Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 My last paragraph I cut out the school I am applying to that is in my final draft, just didn't feel like posting it on here. Thanks for the critique. Enjoy! At this stage of my life, I expected to be an accomplished and secure physical education and health teacher, but with budget cuts and the elimination of two separate positions, I found myself considering my next step. Should I keep applying for teaching positions? Should I transition to a different field? Many people would consider losing two jobs in two years in this difficult economic period to be an adverse situation, but I viewed the upheaval as an opportunity for a new beginning. Pursuing an alternate route, I accepted a position as a fitness assistant at Allegiance Health in Jackson, Michigan. After making a quick and positive impact on the fitness success of those I trained, including healthcare professionals, I was offered the position of health educator, and it was this unique experience that led me to pursue a career path as a physician assistant. As a health educator, my primary role was to meet with individual clients and guide them towards a better quality of life through lifestyle modification. I enjoyed this position and the awareness that I had made a difference in my clients’ lives by providing them with knowledge and direction. There were times, however, when I felt I could have done much more. When a client confided in me about a disease like multiple sclerosis, for example, I didn’t know enough about the disease process to give them the guidance he sought or the medical advice he needed, and I felt helpless. This frustration motivated me to learn more about the human body and the diseases that affect it so significantly. I came to the conclusion that pursuing additional education and another career would enable me to make a greater impact upon the lives of those I want to help. My position at Allegiance Health has allowed me to shadow various professions in the hope of identifying my next career choice. I shadowed nurse anesthetists and dieticians but quickly realized that neither path was right for me. I moved on to shadow many physician assistants for several days on a weekly basis, and soon I was able to envision this career as my new path. I was amazed at the broad scope of knowledgeand autonomy I observed, saw physician assistants as role models, and realized how well my past experiences and skills could transition into this new career. After spending countless hours researching PA schools as well as the profession itself, I felt challenged bythe opportunities that lay ahead. For the first time since my days of teaching, I was mentally stimulated, excited, and eager to shadow again and again. Being a physician assistant is more than just prescribing medicine, ordering tests, and performing procedures; this role requires one to teach, listen, and communicate with individual patients and their loved ones. My past experiences as a teacher, coach, personal trainer, and health educator will serve me well and provide the solid foundation I need to become a successful physician assistant. Specifically, this career will allow me to become a clinical practitioner while applying my background as a health educator. With my relentless work ethic and the full support of my family, I am confident that I can successfully complete a physician assistant program and thrive in mycareer, and I have chosen (school) as that program. With one of the highest pass rates in the countryfor its national licensure exam, I am confident that (school I applied to) PAProgram will prepare me to become a life-long learner of the art and science of medicine and serve as a physician assistant in all areas of society. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thielen91 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Share Posted December 30, 2011 I am not sure why a few words are connected there at the end. Must have been my daughter hitting the keyboard sitting on my lap. :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 I am not a very good proof reader but your content looks good. I did notice a couple of words in the fourth paragraph and one in the last paragraph that will need a space added to separate them but other than that...nice job. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thielen91 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Share Posted December 30, 2011 Yes I noticed that too as well as the last paragraph. Punctuation and grammar are all correct on my word document I promise. Like I said I think my baby girl hit a few buttons while I was cutting and pasting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktalon Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 This reads really quickly, gives a succinct idea of how and why you got here, and demonstrates your good experience. All good things. I'd say overall, good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thielen91 Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 Can any other PA's or moderators give me any advice on this PE and tell me if there are any major flaws before I submit this? Thanks and much appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemoptysis Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 I'm just a PA student here(not a practicing PA or moderator), but I believe I atleast wrote one personal statement that someone liked. I thought it read with fluidity, sounded genuine, and adequately represented your motivation to be a PA. IMO, I would like to see more about your schooling (however long ago it was), or atleast a statement as to your capability of surviving a rigorous school schedule. After all, it's a school you are applying to, not a job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
discogenic Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I'm just a PA student here(not a practicing PA or moderator), but I believe I atleast wrote one personal statement that someone liked. I thought it read with fluidity, sounded genuine, and adequately represented your motivation to be a PA. IMO, I would like to see more about your schooling (however long ago it was), or atleast a statement as to your capability of surviving a rigorous school schedule. After all, it's a school you are applying to, not a job. Wouldn't transcripts provide that info? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiaroscuro27 Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 To the OP: You have some good material here, but the flow is lacking. There are some errors throughout. You're onto something here, but it needs to be revamped in my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thielen91 Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 I disagree, you provide no evidence as to where it is lacking. And your trying to make money by sending me a PM offering me services that this forums intent is to provide for free. Thanks for you help, but I am not convinced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiaroscuro27 Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 As I stated in my private message to you, I wish you well in your endeavor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thielen91 Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 I'm not sure, I didn't ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thielen91 Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 Thanks Chiaroscuro27. I appreciate that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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