Revised Narrative Draft

[Mara]

Hey everyone, wrote this today. Tell me how you feel about it... I still have some polishing up to do and need to move a couple things around but to be quite honest, I'm done writing for today lol. Wanted to post it to get some feedback so maybe it'll help me finish it off. Any constructive criticism is appreciated. I just really need to finish it off ASAP. Once again, thanks a lot! :)

 

 

 

 

When I was six years old, my father, a taxi driver in Miami, was out working what seemed to be a regular night, until a young man flagged him down for a ride. As he recalls, the man was neatly groomed and very well dressed, leading my inexperienced father to assume this would be a routine job. Only moments later the two men became involved in a confrontation ultimately ending in the man threatening my father for his money. The man then reached around from the back seat and with a fork stabbed my father a mere inch below his right eye. The assailant then took all of my father's money leaving him alone, hurt, and bleeding.

I distinctly remember being at home when my mother received the phone call notifying her of what had happened. She was frantic and crying, and when she had told my sister and I that my father was in the hospital, all I kept thinking was how desperately I wished I was able to help him. Even as young as I was, I remember thinking that I should be there with him, helping the other doctors and nurses to get him better. When my father arrived home he had a patch over his right eye, but luckily his eyesight was spared. Had that man used anything other than a fork, or had he stabbed my father just half an inch higher, things could have been dramatically different. During the healing process, I was always there assisting my mother to change the dressings on my father's eye, making sure he always had what he needed. Ever since I can remember, I have always felt drawn to medicine. However, I believe it was the evening my father was attacked that marked the pivotal moment when I made my decision to dedicate the rest of my life to treating others. I became determined to acquire the knowledge needed in order to personally heal people through the practice of medicine.

As I was growing up, my fascination with medicine and the human anatomy grew, excelling especially in science courses during elementary and middle school. In high school, I was part of the Future Nurses of America Club, which invited students interested in any healthcare position to join, leading me to volunteer in the Maternity, Child Birth Education, and Cardiology departments at Mercy Hospital. I enjoyed interacting with the patients as well as with the hospital employees, assisting in anything that they would allow me to do as a volunteer. However, I had always felt that I needed to have a more direct and hands-on role in patient care. After high school, I moved to Tallahassee in order to attend Florida State University, where I studied Psychology with a minor in Biology. It was during college that I discovered the Physician Assistant and became attracted to the position. I decided to attend a meeting at the FSU College of Medicine where both a physician and physician assistant from the Tallahassee Orthopedic Center were invited to speak about their careers and decisions to pursue their respective positions. Listening to each of their life journeys really opened my eyes to understand their individual roles and responsibilities. The PA was a great inspiration for me to pursue physician assistant studies, which is why I then went on to join the Pre-Physician Assistant Club at my university. During our monthly meetings, different PAs covering a wide spectrum of specialties would come to speak about their personal journeys to become PAs, about their experiences in PA school, and their current duties and responsibilities as physician assistants. Becoming a member of this club has been extremely enlightening and has taught me most of what I know in respect to what it means to be a PA.

Just over a year ago, I graduated from FSU and moved back to Miami, where I am currently working as a phlebotomist at University of Miami Hospital. I chose to do phlebotomy because I thought it would be a great way into the healthcare field, and because I feel it is an important skill to have as a health professional. Working as a phlebotomist, I have learned about the numerous health careers and specialties available, and it also gave me the opportunity to befriend a PA at my hospital. Having observed her one morning examining and interacting with a patient while I was drawing blood only further inspired me to pursue the career. Phlebotomy has provided me with invaluable experience in the health field. I have learned that it is vital for everyone to work together in order to provide the patient with the best possible care. I am able to work very well independently but I also understand the value and importance of working as a team. I can be described as a team player with the ability to offer leadership when needed and the humility to accept the help of others. Becoming a physician assistant will fulfill my desire to practice medicine while proactively helping others.

[Just Steve]

When I was six years old, my father, a taxi driver in Miami, was out working what seemed to be a regular night, until a young man flagged him down for a ride. As he recalls, the man was neatly groomed and very well dressed, leading my inexperienced father to assume this would be a routine job. Only moments later the two men became involved in a confrontation ultimately ending in the man threatening my father for his money. The man then reached around from the back seat and with a fork stabbed my father a mere inch below his right eye. The assailant then took all of my father's money leaving him alone, hurt, and bleeding.

I distinctly remember being at home when my mother received the phone call notifying her of what had happened. She was frantic and crying, and when she had told my sister and I that my father was in the hospital, all I kept thinking was how desperately I wished I was able to help him. Even as young as I was, I remember thinking that I should be there with him, helping the other doctors and nurses to get him better. When my father arrived home he had a patch over his right eye, but luckily his eyesight was spared. Had that man used anything other than a fork, or had he stabbed my father just half an inch higher, things could have been dramatically different. During the healing process, I was always there assisting my mother to change the dressings on my father's eye, making sure he always had what he needed. Ever since I can remember, I have always felt drawn to medicine. However, I believe it was the evening my father was attacked that marked the pivotal moment when I made my decision to dedicate the rest of my life to treating others. I became determined to acquire the knowledge needed in order to personally heal people through the practice of medicine.

 

Try to focus the PS on yourself. While I am sure you father's experience was horrific for everyone involved, the story behind his injury doesn't really matter. In my opinion, the whole section above this comment could be boiled down to "When I was young, my father was injuried. While I helped my mother care for him, I became engrossed with medicine" or something like that.

As I was growing up, my fascination with medicine and the human anatomy grew, excelling especially in science courses during elementary and middle school. In high school, I was part of the Future Nurses of America Club, which invited students interested in any healthcare position to join, leading me to volunteer in the Maternity, Child Birth Education, and Cardiology departments at Mercy Hospital. I enjoyed interacting with the patients as well as with the hospital employees, assisting in anything that they would allow me to do as a volunteer. However, I had always felt that I needed to have a more direct and hands-on role in patient care. After high school, I moved to Tallahassee in order to attend Florida State University, where I studied Psychology with a minor in Biology. It was during college that I discovered the Physician Assistant and became attracted to the position. I decided to attend a meeting at the FSU College of Medicine where both a physician and physician assistant from the Tallahassee Orthopedic Center were invited to speak about their careers and decisions to pursue their respective positions. Listening to each of their life journeys really opened my eyes to understand their individual roles and responsibilities. The PA was a great inspiration for me to pursue physician assistant studies, which is why I then went on to join the Pre-Physician Assistant Club at my university. During our monthly meetings, different PAs covering a wide spectrum of specialties would come to speak about their personal journeys to become PAs, about their experiences in PA school, and their current duties and responsibilities as physician assistants. Becoming a member of this club has been extremely enlightening and has taught me most of what I know in respect to what it means to be a PA.

Just over a year ago, I graduated from FSU and moved back to Miami, where I am currently working as a phlebotomist at University of Miami Hospital. I chose to do phlebotomy because I thought it would be a great way into the healthcare field, and because I feel it is an important skill to have as a health professional. Working as a phlebotomist, I have learned about the numerous health careers and specialties available, and it also gave me the opportunity to befriend a PA at my hospital. Having observed her one morning examining and interacting with a patient while I was drawing blood only further inspired me to pursue the career. Phlebotomy has provided me with invaluable experience in the health field. I have learned that it is vital for everyone to work together in order to provide the patient with the best possible care. I am able to work very well independently but I also understand the value and importance of working as a team. I can be described as a team player with the ability to offer leadership when needed and the humility to accept the help of others. Becoming a physician assistant will fulfill my desire to practice medicine while proactively helping others.

 

Have you shadowed a PA for more than the morning that you watched your friend? Any experience following a PA through a course of their day in an outpatient clinic? Any involvement in the community? Any volunteerism?

 

Your experience as a phlebotomist is not to be discounted as it's more than many applicants have. However, it's not a super comprehensive look at the world of PAs or medicine in general. If you could offer more insight via your PS about how you have a more refined, developed view of medical things, I think that would benefit you. Also, if you have any activities outside of school and work, that may also help your application appear more well rounded.

 

If you re visited the story of your father, trimmed that back a bit, it would open up more space for you to expand on topics that are more about you. As it stands right it, I walk away from your PS thinking "your father got stabbed, he's ok, you were a pre pa club member, draw blood for a job, and are friends with a PA who you watched work one time." Is there any other message that you would want to leave the reader with?

[Mara]

^THANKS A LOT FOR YOUR FEEDBACK, IT WAS VERY HELPFUL... I FOLLOWED YOUR ADVICE AND SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCED THE STORY ABOUT MY FATHER. IT WAS DEFINITELY WAY TOO WORDY. I ALSO EDITED THE REST OF THE ESSAY, REMOVING SOME INFO THAT I FOUND TO BE A LITTLE EXCESSIVE AND I ADDED SOME THINGS AS WELL. I THINK THIS IS PRETTY MUCH GONNA BE IT... I'VE WAITED WAY TOO LONG TO SUBMIT MY APPLICATION BECAUSE OF IT AND I REALLY HOPE IT DOESN'T BITE ME IN THE *** LOL. ANYWAYS, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. AND OF COURSE, THANKS AGAIN :)

 

 

*UPDATED*

 

I was six years old when my father, a Miami taxi driver, was unsuspectedly stabbed in the eye by a young man he picked up in his cab. Seconds later, the assailant made away with all of my father's money leaving him alone, hurt, and bleeding. I clearly recall being home when my mother received a phone call, then frantically explaining the situation to her two worried daughters. Even as young as I was, I remember feeling the need to be at the hospital with my father, helping the other doctors and nurses. During the time my father was home, I made it my duty to assist my mother in changing the dressings on my father's eye. This was my first hands-on experience in caring for another person. It motivated me not only to tend to my father, but also to dedicate the rest of my life helping others. Since then, I became determined to acquire the knowledge needed in order to personally heal people through the practice of medicine.

During elementary and middle school, my fascination with medicine and the human anatomy grew. In high school, I was part of the Future Nurses of America Club, which invited students interested in any healthcare position to join, leading me to volunteer in the Maternity, Cardiology, and Child Birth Education departments at Mercy Hospital. I enjoyed assisting and interacting with patients as well as providing support for hospital personnel. However, I still felt I needed to have a more direct and hands-on role in patient care. After high school, I attended Florida State University where I studied Psychology with a minor in Biology. It was during college that I discovered the flexibility and extensive opportunities offered by the role of Physician Assistant. I attended a meeting held in the College of Medicine where guest speakers included a physician and a PA from the Tallahassee Orthopedic Center. They each elaborated on their careers and personal decisions to pursue their respective positions. Listening to each of their life journeys enlightened me in regards to their individual sacrifices and responsibilities and engaged my curiosity to further research the PA profession.

Newly motivated to pursue physician assistant studies, I went on to join the Pre-PA Club at my university to discover the paths available within the career. During our meetings, I met PAs on numerous occasions from a vast variety of specialties and backgrounds. Each elaborated on their personal journeys to become PAs, their experiences in PA school, and their current duties and responsibilities as physician assistants. I came to realize the significance of the role in modern medicine for its practice of a broad range of medical and surgical services.

Just over a year ago, I graduated from FSU and moved back to Miami, where I am currently working as a phlebotomist at University of Miami Hospital. Choosing phlebotomy has been a great introduction into the healthcare field, and has proven to be an essential skill to have as a health professional. Working as a phlebotomist, I have learned about numerous health careers and specialties available. I find myself constantly seeking to network with as many PAs as possible. Phlebotomy has provided me with invaluable experience in direct patient care. I have learned that it is vital for everyone to work together in order to provide the patient with the best possible care. I am able to work very well independently but I also understand the value and importance of working as a team. I can be described as goal-oriented and career driven with the ability to provide leadership when needed and the humility to accept the help of others. As a prospective PA, I embody the unique set of skills and possess the dedication required for this rewarding career, not only to be a valuable part of a team, but also engage in human interaction through the practice of medicine.