Please critique! :)

[Luckyslushy]

Hey Anybody Who is Bored,

 

If you get a chance, please read over my 1st draft of the narrative. I'm actually having problems, I feel, with my focus. Especially paragraph 2. Should I focus more on my experience volunteering, instead? I've read through some other narratives and noticed that many of them are very personal. I feel that this makes the narrative much more interesting to read. However, when I read CASPA's cute little blurb, it reads, "Please describe your motivation towards becoming a PA." I feel like I lose my focus towards the middle, but I kind of see the narrative as being a cover letter, as well, which highlights your experiences which has led you here. So what is it? An interesting story or a cover letter? Anyways, any input is appreciated. You can be honest. I just finished cranking this out over the past few hours, and I'd appreciate some input before I go back to dissecting it and reworking it. I am aware it's not good yet! :)

 

 

 

 

With tears of frustration streaming down my cheeks, I remember throwing my anatomy book across the room. This was the first month of my first post-baccalaureate science class I had taken, and as English major, anatomy was exceptionally challenging. To add salt to the wound, I was also working full-time. I have always been a self-motivated hard worker, taking various restaurant jobs to finance my living and educational expenses during college. However, it was during this time that I was able to push myself further, academically. I remember my grumpy lab instructor emphasizing that, yes, this was a difficult the class. And he wasn’t willing to make it any easier because we – the students and future health-care providers – had people’s lives in our hands. If we brush off this information to get an easy A, what have we learned? I remember looking around the class and seeing plenty of eye-rolls. However, this statement made a great impact on me. I think about this often when my classes get difficult, and I reflect on the importance of knowledge and how every challenge will make me a better Physician Assistant in the future. As far as anatomy goes, the class proved to be extremely difficult, and was reduced from close to fifty students to fewer than ten after the midterm. I was one of two students who received an A. Yet my favorite experience was the cadaver dissection, which I voluntarily participated in before class every week with the same cranky lab professor and one other student.

Over the next few years, I continued to fulfill the prerequisites for PA school while working full-time. With the motivation to become a successful PA, I took my academics seriously, and explored the health care field by volunteering as a Clinical Care Extender at Hoag Hospital. In all honestly, it has been both an exhausting and rewarding experience. At first, I was kicking myself for not pursing a Biology degree in college and attending PA school directly after my baccalaureate. However, I have learned that my life experiences have shaped the person I am today, and have further developed my skills towards becoming a good PA in the future. I have worked a variety of jobs, which have taught me much more than a text book ever could. I have had horrible and wonderful experiences with all kinds of people – from bosses to customers - and feel confident in my ability to interact with various individuals. I gained this confidence while working in a variety of industries – from food, to entertainment, to public service, to health care. I have pushed myself independently while working as a freelance writer, and discovered my self-motivation and leadership abilities. I have also learned the importance of collaboration and team work while working with a variety of coworkers. Most importantly, these careers that I have dabbled in, have given me the experience to discover that I truly want to become a PA. If I applied to PA school right after college graduation, I wouldn’t have been prepared. I didn’t know much about life and what it had to offer. After experiencing many career options, I feel confident in my decision to become a PA. While my desire to become a good PA is what pushes me to keep at my best, life experience laid the foundation in my decision to become a Physician Assistant.

While volunteering at Hoag, I helped a variety of staff members and appreciated the interactions PAs had with patients and staff. I have also shadowed an E.R. PA and discussed with him the professional role of the PA, and I was able to observe his interaction with staff first-hand. After researching the profession through shadowing and volunteering, I am confident that this career would be a good fit for me. I appreciate the diagnostic approach that PAs utilize, while still working under the direction of a physician. The diagnostic side greatly appeals to me as I have always had a fascination with the function of the human body, and have always enjoyed solving problems at work. I have discovered that I need to work in a field where I am intellectually stimulated. I also feel comfortable taking responsibility and leadership roles when needed, yet I understand how fluid a work environment functions when staff is working as a team. I have no problem working under the supervision of a physician, and appreciate the opportunity PAs have to collaborate with other staff members as a team.

Recently, I have quit my well-paying job in the library, given up my apartment by the beach, moved in with my parents, and have been watching my savings quickly diminish, so that I may complete the last of my prerequisites and get certified as an EMT. It’s been a drastic lifestyle change, but the motivation to become a competent PA student, and future PA, led me towards this decision. I am currently seeking employment as an EMT so that I may gain more health care experience. I am also actively seeking more shadowing opportunities to observe PAs in different fields. While I may not be fresh out of college, the experiences I have gained while working in many settings has led me here. With maturity, I have learned that it’s not how fast you get where you want to be, it’s that you get there.

[mktalon]

As an English major you should have a kick a$$ personal statement - but you don't. Mistakes riddled throughout, very little attention to sentencestructure and flow, and low on content are all things that plague this ps. You are gonna have todobetter than this.

[Luckyslushy]

As an English major you should have a kick a$$ personal statement - but you don't. Mistakes riddled throughout, very little attention to sentencestructure and flow, and low on content are all things that plague this ps. You are gonna have todobetter than this.

 

Thanks for the input. I was looking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, in this instance.

 

I agree that the "flow" is not there. And I mentioned this already. The reason why it doesn't flow as I'd like, is that I'm a bit uncertain as to where I should focus. According to CASPA, the focus should be on what motivates me to be a PA. However, from what I've seen from reading other personal statements, the focus isn't solely on this. I don't have paid HCE yet (as I've mentioned) and I understand this might bother some people. I am uncertain if I should focus on my life experience working at other jobs, my volunteer experience at a hospital, of if I should focus on why I want to become a PA. In the application, I tried to give a glimpse of all three focuses. I also wanted to mention my plans to get some HCE hours in soon, as I am looking for a job as an EMT. Obviously, I am not applying to schools which require paid HCE this cycle.

 

Any constructive opinions as to where I should focus my energy? Maybe some other opinions?

[bgdog]

I agree with MK on a certain level. Rather than tossing this off in a few hours, put some time into it. There are many people on this board who have spent weeks on their PS, myself included. It's a tad dieheartning to read something that someone does not put a lot of time into.

 

Rewrite, rewrite and rewrite. Log beaucoup hrs on it. Polish it to a high sheen, then post it.

 

By doing so, you will have done the heavy lifting, you will have put as many hours into it as the people who are critiquing it.

 

Correct all typos, as these take one out of the story.

 

good luck

[Dondoro88]

As an English major you should have a kick a$$ personal statement - but you don't. Mistakes riddled throughout, very little attention to sentencestructure and flow, and low on content are all things that plague this ps. You are gonna have todobetter than this.

 

I agree with mktalon and given that you're an English major shouldn't you be held to a higher standard? ;)

 

Stop repeating that your professor is cranky, we've all had those and repeating that may rub the admissions staff the wrong way.

 

You need to restructure to improve the flow, it's all over the place. You're also giving somewhat vague reasons about WHY you want to be a PA. You like their diagnostic, team-oriented approach...so why not become a NP? this is what you should really focus on rather than using a paragraph to talk about your high-paying job etc. (the latter part is fine about EMT..just the way it starts seems odd).

[Luckyslushy]

Thanks for the input- I know it's not good.

 

I didn't want to start reworking it until I figured out where I should focus - so maybe I posted it prematurely. I guess I will just leave out the part about my experience with other careers, and focus more on my volunteer work.

[mktalon]

Okay, I don't normally do this, but I want to prove a point. And I'm not doing this to be a jerk but to show you what it comes off like when you say you have "cranked this out over the last few hours" and want us to spend almost just as much time reviewing it for you. Most will spend weeks if not months on their essay... you spent a couple hours. But here what goes through my head while reading your essay... content aside:

 

With tears of frustration streaming down my cheeks, I remember throwing my anatomy book across the room. Did tears stream while you were remembering throwing your book or while you actually threw the book? This was the first month of my first post-baccalaureate science class I had taken, and as English major, anatomy was exceptionally challenging. To add salt to the wound, I was also working full-time "salt to the wound" is too colloquial and is used incorrectly. I have always been a self-motivated hard worker, taking various restaurant jobs to finance my living and educational expenses during college. However, it was during this time that I was able to push myself further, academically. I remember my grumpy grumpy? lab instructor emphasizing that, yes, this was a difficult the "difficult the class?" class. Start incomplete sentence here: And he wasn’t willing to make it any easier because we – the students and future health-care providers – had people’s lives in our hands Did students have people's lives in their hands? Misuse of dashes. If we brush off this information to get an easy A, what have we learned? Inappropriate tense change. I remember looking around the class and seeing plenty of eye-rolls. However, this statement made a great impact on me. I think about this often when my classes get difficult, and I reflect on the importance of knowledge and how every challenge will make me a better Physician Assistant in the future. As far as anatomy goes colloquial, the class proved to be extremely difficult, and was reduced from close to fifty students to fewer than ten after the midterm. I was one of two students who received an A. Yet my favorite experience was the cadaver dissection yet is used to mean "in spite of" which doesn't make sense here, which I voluntarily participated in before class every week with the same cranky cranky? again? lab professor and one other student.

Over the next few years, I continued to fulfill the prerequisites for PA school while working full-time. With the motivation to become a successful PA, I took my academics seriously, and explored the health care field by volunteering as a Clinical Care Extender at Hoag Hospital. In all honestly "honestLy"?, it has been both an exhausting and rewarding experience. At first, I was kicking myself for not pursing pursing? a Biology degree in college and attending PA school directly after my baccalaureate. However, I have learned that my life experiences have shaped the person I am today, and have further further doesn't make sense because you are not referencing anything that came before that initially developed your skills developed my skills towards becoming a good PA in the future. I have worked a variety of jobs, which have taught me much more than a text book ever could. I have had horrible and wonderful experiences with all kinds of people – from bosses to customers - and feel confident in my ability to interact with various individuals. I gained this confidence while working in a variety of industries – from food, to entertainment, to public service, to health care overusing dashes. I have pushed myself independently while working as a freelance writer so you are currently employed as a writer? I thought you quit your jobs (tense change doesn't work here), and discovered my self-motivation and leadership abilities. I have also learned the importance of collaboration and team work while working with a variety you use "variety" way too much of coworkers. Most importantly, these careers that I have dabbled in, comma usage is inappropriate here and in many places have given me the experience to discover that I truly want to become a PA. If I had applied to PA school right after college graduation, I wouldn’t have been prepared. I didn’t know much about life and what it had to offer. After experiencing many career options did you experience careers or options?, I feel confident in my decision to become a PA. While my desire to become a good PA is what pushes me to keep at my best, life experience laid the foundation in my decision to become a Physician Assistant.

While volunteering at Hoag, I helped a variety of staff members and appreciated the interactions PAs had with patients and staff two completely different ideas in one sentence. I have also also? in addition to what? tense change again (past to present perfect back to past) that doesn't work here shadowed an E.R. PA and discussed with him the professional role of the PA, and I was able to observe his interaction with staff first-hand run-on sentence. After researching the profession through shadowing and volunteering, I am confident that this career would be a good fit for me. I appreciate the diagnostic approach that PAs utilize, while still working under the direction of a physician if you say so.... The diagnostic side greatly appeals to me as I have always had a fascination with the function of the human body always? even when you were 2 years old?, and have always enjoyed solving problems at work using the word always over and over doesn't make your case stronger. I have discovered that I need to work in a field where I am intellectually stimulated. Again, pick a tense and try to stick with it unless you can transition appropriately I also feel comfortable taking responsibility and leadership roles when needed, yet I understand how fluid a work environment functions when staff is working as a team. I have no problem colloquial working under the supervision of a physician, and appreciate the opportunity PAs have to collaborate with other staff members as a team two totally different ideas - one sentence.

Recently, I have "recently" and a defined singular moment do not work with "I have" quit my well-paying job in the library, given up my apartment by the beach, moved in with my parents, and have been watching my savings quickly diminish, so that I may are you seeking permission to complete your prereqs? complete the last of my prerequisites and get certified as an EMT. It’s been a drastic lifestyle change, but the motivation to become a competent PA student, and future PA, led me towards this decision. I am currently seeking employment as an EMT but you aren't certified yet, according to your previous statement... why are you looking for employment if you haven't even started the certification course yet? so that I may (are you seeking permission to gain HCE or ability?) gain more health care experience. I am also actively seeking more shadowing opportunities to observe PAs in different fields. While I may not be fresh out of college, the experiences I have gained while working in many settings has led me here this sentence assumes that admissions is looking for people right out of college... why that assumption?. With maturity, I have learned that it’s not how fast you get where you want to be, it’s that you get there.

 

This is scratching the surface grammatically and doesn't address content at all. But it is difficult to get to content when I can't get through the essay without being jarred by all these mistakes. You talk about losing direction in your second paragraph. That "paragraph" is at least 50% of your entire essay! Of course you lost direction. As an English major, when did you EVER write a paper where one paragraph was over 50% of the entire essay? You are looking for constructive criticism but you haven't spent the time on this essay to get that critical of a response. I don't do line by line critiques like this for the very reason that I believe people should get a critique that reflects the effort they put in... and many posted here don't have much effort put into them. Once you have put more effort into this I will address the issues of content. I am not trying to be mean about this. Like I said before, if you want to get into PA school you have to do better than this, and not criticize my critique after you tell us to be "honest." I am a pretty nice guy... I promise. Just put more effort into it.

[Luckyslushy]

Okay, I don't normally do this, but I want to prove a point. And I'm not doing this to be a jerk but to show you what it comes off like when you say you have "cranked this out over the last few hours" and want us to spend almost just as much time reviewing it for you. Most will spend weeks if not months on their essay... you spent a couple hours. But here what goes through my head while reading your essay... content aside:

 

With tears of frustration streaming down my cheeks, I remember throwing my anatomy book across the room. Did tears stream while you were remembering throwing your book or while you actually threw the book? This was the first month of my first post-baccalaureate science class I had taken, and as English major, anatomy was exceptionally challenging. To add salt to the wound, I was also working full-time "salt to the wound" is too colloquial and is used incorrectly. I have always been a self-motivated hard worker, taking various restaurant jobs to finance my living and educational expenses during college. However, it was during this time that I was able to push myself further, academically. I remember my grumpy grumpy? lab instructor emphasizing that, yes, this was a difficult the "difficult the class?" class. Start incomplete sentence here: And he wasn’t willing to make it any easier because we – the students and future health-care providers – had people’s lives in our hands Did students have people's lives in their hands? Misuse of dashes. If we brush off this information to get an easy A, what have we learned? Inappropriate tense change. I remember looking around the class and seeing plenty of eye-rolls. However, this statement made a great impact on me. I think about this often when my classes get difficult, and I reflect on the importance of knowledge and how every challenge will make me a better Physician Assistant in the future. As far as anatomy goes colloquial, the class proved to be extremely difficult, and was reduced from close to fifty students to fewer than ten after the midterm. I was one of two students who received an A. Yet my favorite experience was the cadaver dissection yet is used to mean "in spite of" which doesn't make sense here, which I voluntarily participated in before class every week with the same cranky cranky? again? lab professor and one other student.

Over the next few years, I continued to fulfill the prerequisites for PA school while working full-time. With the motivation to become a successful PA, I took my academics seriously, and explored the health care field by volunteering as a Clinical Care Extender at Hoag Hospital. In all honestly "honestLy"?, it has been both an exhausting and rewarding experience. At first, I was kicking myself for not pursing pursing? a Biology degree in college and attending PA school directly after my baccalaureate. However, I have learned that my life experiences have shaped the person I am today, and have further further doesn't make sense because you are not referencing anything that came before that initially developed your skills developed my skills towards becoming a good PA in the future. I have worked a variety of jobs, which have taught me much more than a text book ever could. I have had horrible and wonderful experiences with all kinds of people – from bosses to customers - and feel confident in my ability to interact with various individuals. I gained this confidence while working in a variety of industries – from food, to entertainment, to public service, to health care overusing dashes. I have pushed myself independently while working as a freelance writer so you are currently employed as a writer? I thought you quit your jobs (tense change doesn't work here), and discovered my self-motivation and leadership abilities. I have also learned the importance of collaboration and team work while working with a variety you use "variety" way too much of coworkers. Most importantly, these careers that I have dabbled in, comma usage is inappropriate here and in many places have given me the experience to discover that I truly want to become a PA. If I had applied to PA school right after college graduation, I wouldn’t have been prepared. I didn’t know much about life and what it had to offer. After experiencing many career options did you experience careers or options?, I feel confident in my decision to become a PA. While my desire to become a good PA is what pushes me to keep at my best, life experience laid the foundation in my decision to become a Physician Assistant.

While volunteering at Hoag, I helped a variety of staff members and appreciated the interactions PAs had with patients and staff two completely different ideas in one sentence. I have also also? in addition to what? tense change again (past to present perfect back to past) that doesn't work here shadowed an E.R. PA and discussed with him the professional role of the PA, and I was able to observe his interaction with staff first-hand run-on sentence. After researching the profession through shadowing and volunteering, I am confident that this career would be a good fit for me. I appreciate the diagnostic approach that PAs utilize, while still working under the direction of a physician if you say so.... The diagnostic side greatly appeals to me as I have always had a fascination with the function of the human body always? even when you were 2 years old?, and have always enjoyed solving problems at work using the word always over and over doesn't make your case stronger. I have discovered that I need to work in a field where I am intellectually stimulated. Again, pick a tense and try to stick with it unless you can transition appropriately I also feel comfortable taking responsibility and leadership roles when needed, yet I understand how fluid a work environment functions when staff is working as a team. I have no problem colloquial working under the supervision of a physician, and appreciate the opportunity PAs have to collaborate with other staff members as a team two totally different ideas - one sentence.

Recently, I have "recently" and a defined singular moment do not work with "I have" quit my well-paying job in the library, given up my apartment by the beach, moved in with my parents, and have been watching my savings quickly diminish, so that I may are you seeking permission to complete your prereqs? complete the last of my prerequisites and get certified as an EMT. It’s been a drastic lifestyle change, but the motivation to become a competent PA student, and future PA, led me towards this decision. I am currently seeking employment as an EMT but you aren't certified yet, according to your previous statement... why are you looking for employment if you haven't even started the certification course yet? so that I may (are you seeking permission to gain HCE or ability?) gain more health care experience. I am also actively seeking more shadowing opportunities to observe PAs in different fields. While I may not be fresh out of college, the experiences I have gained while working in many settings has led me here this sentence assumes that admissions is looking for people right out of college... why that assumption?. With maturity, I have learned that it’s not how fast you get where you want to be, it’s that you get there.

 

This is scratching the surface grammatically and doesn't address content at all. But it is difficult to get to content when I can't get through the essay without being jarred by all these mistakes. You talk about losing direction in your second paragraph. That "paragraph" is at least 50% of your entire essay! Of course you lost direction. As an English major, when did you EVER write a paper where one paragraph was over 50% of the entire essay? You are looking for constructive criticism but you haven't spent the time on this essay to get that critical of a response. I don't do line by line critiques like this for the very reason that I believe people should get a critique that reflects the effort they put in... and many posted here don't have much effort put into them. Once you have put more effort into this I will address the issues of content. I am not trying to be mean about this. Like I said before, if you want to get into PA school you have to do better than this, and not criticize my critique after you tell us to be "honest." I am a pretty nice guy... I promise. Just put more effort into it.

 

 

Thank you very much for the input. I didn't at all expect for anybody to put that much effort into my essay - and I do appreciate the time. I did crank it out in a few hours, but in no way expected anyone "to spend almost just as much time reviewing it" for me. I sincerely apologize if I gave this impression...

 

When I posted this I didn't realize that those on the forum expect a polished narrative that is ready to be sent out. I wasn't trying to insult anybody by asking for help with my 1st draft narrative. I wrote my 1st draft, got frustrated with the direction of it, and was hoping for some guidance from those who have been involved in the application process. I know that this isn't any good - I am fully aware that it I "have to do better than this."

 

Your input was helpful. I am still reworking my essay, and will definitely take your critique into account as I continue to write.

[Luckyslushy]

I agree with mktalon and given that you're an English major shouldn't you be held to a higher standard? ;)

 

Stop repeating that your professor is cranky, we've all had those and repeating that may rub the admissions staff the wrong way.

 

You need to restructure to improve the flow, it's all over the place. You're also giving somewhat vague reasons about WHY you want to be a PA. You like their diagnostic, team-oriented approach...so why not become a NP? this is what you should really focus on rather than using a paragraph to talk about your high-paying job etc. (the latter part is fine about EMT..just the way it starts seems odd).

 

Thanks for the input. I am reworking it and agree with you - on all these accounts. :) I'm restructuring now and trying to find a single focus for the essay.