Ricki117 Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I would appreciate any constructive criticism on this supplemental application essay. Thanks!! the topic is: please type a statement explaining what you have learned about yourself, serving others, and working as part of team based upon your hands-on patient care experience with patients and/or community service activities. (limit 1 page) In the elevator on the first day of my clinical, my instructor told me to be prepared to fall in love. As the elevator doors opened, the smell of urine seeped inside. I did not understand how anyone could love this. I was a new nursing assistant assigned to care for an Alzheimer's patient named Eira. It was my first experience with direct patient care, and it is a feeling I will never forget. My job became so meaningful when I saw how much Eira depended on me. It opened my eyes to what a job in healthcare was like. I continued to work with the elderly in a long-term care facility. It was a very fast paced work environment, which emphasized the importance of prioritizing tasks and working cooperatively with my co-workers. I loved interacting with the patients and making their day brighter. Although most residents were elderly, there were several middle-aged adults in the facility as well. I found it frustrating that there was no further medical treatment available to help them be more independent. It made me realize I want to continue my career in medicine so I can help delay, or possibly prevent patients from reaching these facilities. I want to help people retain their health as long as possible. I am currently working in a rehabilitation hospital, which is an even more rewarding experience. Many patients truly undergo a total transformation from admission to discharge. I cannot control the smile on my face when I see a patient take their first steps after being bedridden for weeks after an accident. I get the same feeling when I see patients regain their ability to speak, or to feed and bathe themselves. It takes the whole healthcare team to work together to achieve these goals. Our nursing team works with therapists, physicians, and the rest of the staff to help the patient. We all need to be on the same page and work collaboratively to create the most efficient working environment. I have grown tremendously since my first interactions with Eira. My instructor was right; I have fallen in love with helping the sick and injured. Working under the nursing model has allowed me to improve my bedside manner and learn how to build strong rapports with patients. It has also led me to decide that I am more passionate towards the medical model. I am always most eager to learn about the diagnosis and procedures my patients went through. When I see patients recovering from serious medical issues, it further motivates me to continue my education to allow myself to help patients in a more meaningful way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StudentPA Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 The piece is very well written. I will see what I can do to actively critique it in terms of the one page limit. In the elevator on the first day of my clinical, my instructor told me to be prepared to fall in love. As the elevator doors opened, the smell of urine seeped inside. I did not understand how anyone could love this. I was a new nursing assistant assigned to care for an Alzheimer's patient named Eira. It was my first experience with direct patient care, and it is a feeling I will never forget. My job became so [Delete this. The sentence will read better without it.] meaningful when I saw how much Eira depended [Needed would also work if there is a character limit in addition to the page limit.] on me. It opened my eyes to what a job in healthcare was like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StudentPA Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Working with the elderly in a long-term care facility in a fast paced work environment, which emphasized the importance of prioritizing tasks and working cooperatively with my co-workers, taught me to love patient contact [integrated the sentences.]. Although most residents were elderly, there were several middle-aged adults in the facility as well. I found the lack of available medical treatment to be an obstacle to patient autonomy [Purely artistic. Just thought you should mention the term patient autonomy and the obstacles that obstruct it, such as the lack of available medical care.]. It made me realize I want to continue [Further is a shorter word that will mean the same thing.] my career [Try vocation. Vocation means life long passion versus just a career.] in medicine to help delay, or possibly prevent patients from reaching these facilities. I want [Try yearn instead. Yearn means to desire strongly. It is a tad more passionate than want.] to help people retain their health as long as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StudentPA Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I currently work at [shorter. Same meaning within the context. Just remembering the one page limit.] a rehabilitation hospital, which is an even more rewarding experience. Many patients truly undergo a total transformation from admission to discharge. I cannot control the smile on my face when I see a patient take their first steps after being bedridden for weeks after an accident. I get the same feeling when I see patients regain their ability to speak, feed, or bathe themselves [shorter. Turned into a list.]. It takes an entire [Word choice.] healthcare team to work together [The bolded portion can be removed and the sentence will still flow. In fact the sentence flows better without it.] to achieve these goals. Our nursing team works with therapists, physicians, and the rest of the staff to help patients [shorter. Assuming you have more than one patient.]. We all need to be on the [Try "must be ". It is shorter.] same page and work collaboratively to create the most efficient working environment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StudentPA Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I have grown tremendously since my first interactions with Eira. My instructor was right; I have fallen in love with helping the sick and injured. Working under the nursing model has allowed me to improve my bedside manner and learn how to build strong rapports with patients. It has also led me to decide that I am more [Try "taught me that I am" here. Shorter.] passionate towards the medical model and am always eager to learn about the diagnosis and procedures my patients went through. When I see patients recovering from serious medical issues, it further [Can be deleted if space is tight.] motivates me to continue my education to allow myself to help patients in a more meaningful way. I just want you to know that your supplemental application was by far the hardest thing that I have had to critique yet. This speaks to the integrity of the piece. Take pride that you wrote something so wonderful, I know that it was definitely an enjoyable read. Best of luck to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricki117 Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Thank you very much for your critiques and kind words, I appreciate it. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StudentPA Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 You are very welcome. By the way is any portion of your piece more streamlined because of my critiques? All the best. StudentPA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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