1st draft of my personal statement. Criticism appreciated!

[lizt90]

“Thank you so much for your help. Please come visit us at our restaurant and meet the rest of our family.” These heartfelt words of appreciation from a Bengali couple at a free clinic where I volunteered really had a big influence on my choice to become a Physician’s Assistant. All I had done was merely taken their weight, blood pressure, pulse, and asked them why they had come in to the clinic, but to them it was as if I had saved their lives. You see, I was one of the few volunteers at the clinic who understood their heavy accent because it was very similar to my own parents’. Therefore, they felt very comfortable around me and always asked specifically for me anytime they came in. They were frequent visitors to the clinic and after much prodding to visit their local pizza parlor, a friend and I decided to pay a visit. It was a very quaint restaurant with few customers, but I don’t think I’ve ever been treated with more hospitality. They treated us like a part of their family and insisted that the food was on the house. From that moment on, I realized how much of an impact you can have on people by being in the medical field. I knew I was called to connect with people and really assess their needs. I want to be able to treat each patient with the care that they deserve and give them hope for a brighter future.

 

A second incidence that influenced my decision to become a PA was when my first cousin was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. He lives in Austria, where the medical care is not nearly as advanced as in America. He had gone to the hospital multiple times with various symptoms, but the doctors kept writing it off as depression. Finally, when he started showing very advanced symptoms of the disease, such as blurred vision and troubles with his balance, the doctors finally ran additional tests and discovered that it was Multiple Sclerosis. It was frustrating waiting for all of his tests to come through and not being able to do anything about the slow medical care. His situation made me realize that I want to be a part of an integral medical team that gives every patient quality healthcare. I don’t ever want to write a patient off without fully assessing their symptoms, consulting with other professionals, and thinking outside of the box.

 

Undoubtedly the most important reason I want to become a physician’s assistant is to assist the elderly. Most people seem to find them a burden, but I feel a certain connection to them and enjoy volunteering at nursing homes. I like hearing the stories that they have to tell and think they have a lot of knowledge to depart on society. Once I was on a flight to Canada for a wedding and I happened to be sitting next to an elderly gentleman. We talked the entire flight and he gave me a lot of good advice for the future because he served as a medic in the army. When we got off the plane, my Mom asked me what I could possibly have been talking about with such an old man for so long. I explained to her that I find it very easy to talk to the aged and have so much compassion for them. I know that I would want my own parents to be well taken care of when they reach that age and think every patient should be treated with care, regardless of age. I know that giving care to the elderly can be tricky because they may have multiple health problems and healthcare professionals have to manage many medications, but I’m willing to take on that challenge!

 

I think even in high school I had an idea that I wanted to be a physician’s assistant. I started out shadowing my cousin, who is a PA that specializes in Oncology. I loved the patient contact and the freedom a PA has, while still working as part of a team. I never thought being a doctor quite fit my life goals. I wanted to finish up with school completely and get settled in a career before I started a family and that seemed more possible as a physician’s assistant. I also like the independence that PA’s have to move from one specialty to another. I think it would be great to have the opportunity to try different specialties so you could find your perfect niche. Another one of my cousin’s is actually a nurse practitioner and often asked me why I didn’t consider that option, but I really liked that PA’s are trained medically and I didn’t have any desire to go to nursing school. I started doing more shadowing and trying to find out as much as I could about the profession. I shadowed PA’s and doctors specializing in urgent care, emergency medicine, cardiology, geriatrics and others. I met many PA students on rotations who encouraged me even more to become a physician’s assistant. Every time I shadowed, it was such a learning experience for me, and I was able to meet so many mentors who gave me great advice along the way. Each instance just strengthened my decision that this was the profession I longed to enter and will do anything to achieve that goal.

[nweston]

The one glaring thing I noticed first... it's physician assistant.

 

Other than that, I think you have a lot of good content here. Maybe you want to elaborate more on HCE. Also, I'd avoid generalities like "Most people seem to find them a burden" as it kind of puts a negative connotation into your statement.

[lk87]

physician’s assistant??? :-_-:

 

i think its very important to know what you are applying for when you are sending in your PS?

[lk87]

"my Mom asked me what I could possibly have been talking about with such an old man for so long."

 

-----this sentence doesnt sound too right to me. possible discrimination?

[lizt90]

Here's an updated version. I really appreciate the criticism! I'm not sure if I should take out the paragraph completely about assisting the elderly because it doesn't really tell a story. But I want them to know that I am strongly considering Geriatrics because it's in high demand...

 

“Thank you so much for your help. Please come visit us at our restaurant and meet the rest of our family.” These heartfelt words of appreciation from a Bengali couple at a free clinic where I volunteered really had a big influence on my choice to become a Physician Assistant. All I had done was merely taken their weight, blood pressure, pulse, and asked them why they had come in to the clinic, but to them it was as if I had saved their lives. You see, I was one of the few volunteers at the clinic who understood their heavy accent because it was very similar to my own parents’. Therefore, they felt very comfortable around me and always asked specifically for me anytime they came in. They were frequent visitors to the clinic and after much prodding to visit their local pizza parlor, a friend and I decided to pay a visit. It was a very quaint restaurant with few customers, but I don’t think I’ve ever been treated with more hospitality. They treated us like a part of their family and insisted that the food was on the house. From that moment on, I realized how much of an impact you can have on people by being in the medical field. I knew I was called to connect with people and assess their needs. I want to be able to treat each patient with the care that they deserve and give them hope for a brighter future.

 

A second incidence that influenced my decision to become a PA was when my first cousin was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. He lives in Austria, where the medical care is not nearly as advanced as in America. He had gone to the hospital multiple times with various symptoms, but the doctors kept writing it off as depression. Finally, when he started showing very advanced symptoms of the disease, such as blurred vision and troubles with his balance, the doctors finally ran additional tests and discovered that it was Multiple Sclerosis. It was frustrating waiting for all of his tests to come through and not being able to do anything about the slow medical care. His situation made me realize that I want to be a part of an integral medical team that gives every patient quality healthcare. I don’t ever want to write off a patient without fully assessing their symptoms, consulting with other professionals, and thinking outside of the box.

 

One other factor that really pushed me to apply for PA school was my experience working as a receptionist at the Children’s Center. Although I was working at a desk, I got to see so many highly handicapped children, some of which never had any visitors. The healthcare providers became a source of strength for these children who were abandoned in the hospital. I saw how big of an impact PA’s can have on their patients. I also learned to be compassionate towards the patients and their families. The hospital had strict security and I was responsible for checking in family members and they often treated me harshly. Before I returned the attitude, I had to step back and remind myself that they were going through a really hard time at the moment and had a very sick child. It taught me to put the patient’s needs above your own.

 

Undoubtedly the most important reason I want to become a physician assistant is to assist the elderly. I feel a certain connection to them and enjoy volunteering at nursing homes. I like hearing the stories that they have to tell and think they have a lot of knowledge to depart on society. I know that I would want my own parents to be well taken care of when they reach that age and think every patient should be treated with care, regardless of age. I know that giving care to the elderly can be tricky because they may have multiple health problems and healthcare professionals have to manage many medications, but I’m willing to take on that challenge!

 

I think even in high school I had an idea that I wanted to be a physician assistant. I started out shadowing my cousin, who is a PA that specializes in Oncology. I loved the patient contact and the freedom a PA has, while still working as part of a team. I never thought being a doctor quite fit my life goals. I wanted to finish up with school completely and get settled in a career before I started a family and that seemed more possible as a physician assistant. I also like the mobility that PA’s have to go from one specialty to another. I think it would be great to have the opportunity to try different specialties so you could find your perfect niche. Another family member of mine is actually a nurse practitioner and often asked me why I didn’t consider that option, but I really liked that PA’s are trained medically and I didn’t have any desire to go to nursing school. I started doing more shadowing and trying to find out as much as I could about the profession. I shadowed PA’s and doctors specializing in various specialties and I met many PA students on rotations who encouraged me even more to become a physician assistant. Every time I shadowed, it was such a learning experience for me, and I was able to meet so many mentors who gave me great advice along the way. Each instance just strengthened my decision that this was the profession I longed to enter and will do anything to achieve that goal.

[nweston]

Again, this is nit-picky, but I think you should either go with Physician Assistant, or physician assistant. You have it written both ways. I don't know if the adcom prefers it one way or another, but you should definitely chose one and stick with it throughout.

[nweston]

Also, I think you mean "impart" (def: communicate information, bestow a quality) on society, not "depart" (def: leave, deviate from).

[IdahoPA]

Ok, here's my two cents:

1.) the first paragraph was meant to relay how you interact with patients. But to me, it just tells me you have an accent and can understand it. And that they gave you free pizza. (Yay!) I feel that volunteering at a free clinic is a huge indication of who you are as a person: clearly dedicated to treating others, generous, big-hearted...but I'm not getting any of that from your paragraph. Surely the couple requests you due to much more than ease of communication.

 

2.) You've been to Austria and/or have studied their healthcare system? Then how can you say it's not as advanced as America's? People are wrongly diagnosed all the time in our country. Additionally, plenty of American nurses, doctors and PAs write off patients or don't give them proper care for whatever reason. I don't think this paragraph tells us much about you at all. The last two sentences are the only ones I'd keep. I know you mention your cousin's story so if you eliminate the rest, you'll obviously have to alter the first part of that sentence.

 

3.) Again, an amazing experience that you don't explain very well. All I got from this paragraph is that you're learning to stay calm when family members get upset. A worthy trait, but probably not the most important characteristic you could talk about.

 

4.) Why not become a nurse, then?

 

5.) one PA, two PAs.

 

Reading through your PS, I think "Wow! It seems like you've had several great experiences where you've met various patients." Yet, you barely gloss over these opportunities. I know it's important not to come across as arrogant or braggy, but perhaps you are being too modest?

 

I hope this helps. Good luck!!

[StudentPA]

Fixes and comments made in bold. Please let me know if you have any further issues. Best of luck to you.

 

“Thank you so much for your help. Please come visit us at our restaurant and meet the rest of our family.” These heartfelt words of appreciation from a Bengali couple at a free clinic where I volunteered really had a big influence on my choice to become a Physician’s Assistant. All I had done was merely taken their weight, blood pressure, pulse, and asked them why they had come in to the clinic. However, [However, more effectively highlights the difference between your beliefs and those that came into the clinic, which I am assuming is what you meant to do.] to them it was as if I had saved their lives. You see,[Delete “You see,” as such language breaks up the flow of the sentence. If you take out the “You see,” it should become apparent that the sentence will read just fine without it.] I was one of the few volunteers at the clinic[instead of “the clinic” give the name of the clinic that you worked at. The readers of your personal statement will not know which clinic you worked at and it might make it easier for people to contact the place you worked at should they have need to do so.] who understood their heavy accent because it was very similar to my own parents’. As a result,[As I see it this statement is cause and effect related. The cause is that you understood people heavy accents and the effect, or result, of this is that they felt more comfortable around you.] they felt very comfortable around me and always asked specifically for me anytime they came in. They [Replace this “They” with the either the peoples actual names if known or restate it as something like “the Bengali couple” as this will make the sentence more personal and avoid the use of the word they immediately after using the word in the previous section.] were frequent visitors to the clinic and after much prodding to visit their local pizza parlor, a friend and I [be specific with the name of your friend. Specificity actively engages the reader with the text and makes it more likely that they will remember the piece once they are done reading it.]decided to pay a visit. The restaurant was very quaint [This change makes the same point in fewer words.]with few customers, but I don’t think I’ve[Please do not use contractions. I cannot express enough. One of the characteristics that the people reading this are going to evaluate it on is professionalism. In formal writing such as this it is a custom to not use contractions. Therefore, please change “I’ve” to I have. It might seem like a small change, but it will make a world of difference in terms of the formality of the piece.] ever been treated with more hospitality. They treated us like a part of their family and insisted that the food was on the house. From that moment on, I realized how much of an impact you can have on people by being in the medical field. I felt a calling to connect with people, to really assess their needs, to treat each patient with the care that they deserve, and give them hope for a brighter future. [i changed the first part to eliminate the unnecessary “I”. Some people do not like the overuse of the word “I”. Please only use it when it is absolutely necessary. That and each part of this section seemed like a list of things that you desire to do hence the commas.]

 

A second incidence[Double check me on this but personally I feel that the proper word to use here is “incident” and not “incidence”.] that influenced my decision to become a PA was when my first cousin was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. He lives in Austria, where the medical care is not nearly as advanced as in America. He[Give the name of your cousin. It helps to build a personal connection with the reader. That is all.] had gone to the hospital[Please state the name and if you so desire the location (ex. Town, Australia or a hospiatal in xyz town, etc.) of the hospital. When telling a story or, in this case, a narrative the little details help to expand and enrich the piece.] multiple times with various symptoms[it might be helpful to give a few of these symptoms. Around three or so should do. Present it in the forms of x,y, and z. Like I said before specific details enhance a story.], but the doctors kept writing it [Replace it with them or better yet the symptoms as they are a group. A plural if you will and not a singular thing, thus the word “it” is not appropriate in this context.] off as depression. Finally, [Replace “Finally” with “it was only when,”… I think you will find that it is a stronger introduction.] when he started showing very advanced symptoms of the disease, such as blurred vision and troubles with his balance, the doctors finally ran additional tests and discovered that it was Multiple Sclerosis. It was frustrating waiting for all of his[Put the person’s name here and then an apostrophe to keep the personal element that this is your friend, a living breathing human being, present in the piece.] tests to come through and not being able to do anything about the slow medical care. His situation made me realize that I want to be a part of an integral medical team that gives every patient quality healthcare. I don’t [Replace with “do not” for the reasons mentioned above.] ever want to write a patient off without fully assessing their symptoms, consulting with other professionals, and thinking outside of the box.

 

Undoubtedly [Delete “Undoubtedly” as it is unnecessary, doing this will effectively communicate your point and remove any potential “doubt” that may be there.] The most important reason I want to become a physician’s assistant is to assist the elderly. Most people seem to find them a burden, but I feel a certain connection to them and enjoy volunteering at nursing homes. Hearing [Remember about the over use of the word “I”.] stories that they have to tell and think they have a lot of knowledge to depart on society is very rewarding. Once I was on a flight to Canada for a wedding and I [Delete this “I” the sentence will read just fine without it.] happened to be sitting next to an elderly gentleman. We talked the entire flight and he gave me a lot of good advice for the future because he served as a medic in the army. When we got off the plane, my Mom asked me what I could possibly have been talking about with such an old man for so long. I explained to her that it is very easy to talk [Merely eliminated another unnecessary use of the word “I”] to the aged and have so much compassion for them. I know that I would want my own parents to be well taken care of when they reach that age and think every patient should be treated with care, regardless of age. I know that giving care to the elderly can be tricky because they may have multiple health problems and healthcare professionals have to manage many medications, but I’m [Explained before. Eliminate contraction.] willing to take on that challenge!

 

In high school, [Eliminated another unnecessary use of the word I.] I had an idea about my desire [Elimination of I.] to be a physician’s assistant. Beginning by shadowing my cousin, who is a PA that specializes in Oncology, made me realize my love for patient contact [Eliminated an I.] and the freedom a PA has, while still working as part of a team. I never thought being a doctor quite fit my life goal because of my desire [Eliminated an I.] to finish up with school completely and get settled in a career before I started a family and that seemed more possible as a physician’s assistant. The independence that PA’s have to move from one specialty to another is very appealing to me [Eliminated an I.]. I believe[Word choice. Believe is a stronger choice of words than think. You might think something, but that does not necessarily mean that you believe, or have faith in, that opinion.] it would be great to have the opportunity to try different specialties so you could find your perfect niche. Another one of my cousin’s is actually a nurse practitioner and often asked me why I didn’t [Eliminate contraction.]consider that option, but I really liked that PA’s are trained medically and I didn’t [Eliminate contraction.] have any desire to go to nursing school. I started doing more shadowing and trying to find out as much as possible [Eliminated an I.] about the profession. Shadowing PA’s and doctors specializing in urgent care, emergency medicine, cardiology, geriatrics and others helped me as well [Eliminated an I]. I met many PA students on rotations who encouraged me even more to become a physician’s assistant. Shadowing is a learning experience for me, [Point can be made using less words and eliminated another unnecessary I.] and I was able to meet so many mentors who gave me great advice along the way. Each instance just strengthened my decision that this was the profession I longed to enter and will do anything to achieve that goal [Rephrase please. This phrase “will do anything” can also be interpreted that you are willing to do illegal things if necessary to become a PA and trust me you do not want that thought to even remotely cross the panel reading your personal statement’s mind(s).]

[lizt90]

Thank you all so much for your commentary! It has been so much help so far.

[jesscbv]

1. I don't think it's important to give detail about the family's pizza parlor...or even the fact that you visited them. More important is that while volunteering at a free clinic you were adept at developing a rapport with the patients.

2. I am not sure that Austria has an inferior health care system.

3. Instead of focusing on the hostility you received from some of the family at the Children's Clinic, maybe you should focus on what your duties were/ what you learned/ mention that you found it natural to treat the families well during their difficult experience?

4. don't say "I THINK in high school...." say "In high school I had an idea..." Maybe talk more about why you want to be a PA, not why you DON'T want to do nursing, or med school, or whatever. What is it about the profession in particular that you love?

 

It sounds like you've done lots of volunteering. Don;t feel like you're bragging when you talk about what you've learned and what continues to inspire you.

[coppcw08]

Remember that this is only my opinion.

 

I agree with a lot of the previous posts. You seem to have some amazing experiences and volunteering opportunities to discuss but a lot of what I am reading seems to be "filler" material. i.e. the first paragraph about the pizza parlor. It is a great experience you had but the pizza parlor portion isn't necessary. Also, bad mouthing any countries healthcare system is a bad idea. Every system has its own problems even ours (antibiotics are handed out like candy). So I would definitely try to go a different route with that.

 

Lastly, my "big" concern for your PS is that your last paragraph doesn't stick with me. The last two sentences you mention how "Every time I shadowed, it was such a learning experience for me, and I was able to meet so many mentors who gave me great advice along the way." This statement gets me all hyper and excited to hear about what you learned and you don't divulge into it. You kind of mention it as you pass by and end the PS. The whole paragraph about your cousin (sorry to hear it was MS) should go unless you can turn it into a positive. It basically bad mouths austria's healthcare system and the doctors who work in it. Never a good idea to take jabs at people in a PS.

 

good luck

[lizt90]

Updated version:

 

“Thank you so much for your help. Please come visit us at our restaurant and meet the rest of our family.” These heartfelt words of appreciation from a Bengali couple at a free clinic largely influenced my choice to become a physician assistant. All I had done was taken their vital signs, blood sugar, and asked why they had come in to the clinic. However to them, it was as if I had saved their lives. I was one of the few volunteers at ______ Free Clinic who understood their heavy accent because it was very similar to my own parents’. As a result, they felt very comfortable around me and always asked specifically for me. Because of my ability to connect with them, I was able to thoroughly ask about all of their symptoms. This taught me the importance of being able to relate to your patients. Also, while the clinic officially closed at noon, I always stayed until 2 or 3 and made sure all of the patients’ medications had gotten filled. By working at the clinic, I became comfortable taking blood pressures and dealing with patients of every age. I learned the names of many different medications and their common doses. From this experience, I realized how much of an impact you can have on people by being in the medical field. I felt a calling to connect with people, to assess their needs, and to give them hope for a brighter future.

 

A second incident that influenced my decision to become a PA was when my first cousin was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. He had been seen by many different practitioners, but was never fully diagnosed.. It was only when he started showing very advanced symptoms of the disease, such as blurred vision and troubles with his balance that additional tests were ordered and it was diagnosed as Multiple Sclerosis. His situation made me realize that I want to be a part of an integral medical team that gives every patient quality healthcare. I want to use my diagnostic skills to thoroughly assess their symptoms, consult with other professionals, and think outside of the box.

 

One other factor that really pushed me to apply for PA school was my experience working as a receptionist at the ______. I got to see so many extremely handicapped children, some of which never had any visitors. The healthcare providers, particularly the PAs, became a source of strength for these children, who were abandoned in the hospital. I also learned to be compassionate towards the patients and their families. The hospital had strict security and I was responsible for checking in family members. I constantly reminded myself that they were going through a very hard time and had an extremely sick child. It taught me to put the patients’ needs above my own.

 

In high school, I began considering becoming a physician assistant. I started by shadowing my cousin, who is a PA that specializes in Oncology. I loved the patient contact and the freedom the PAs had, while still working as part of a team. I also like the mobility that PAs have to go from one specialty to another. I believe it is great to have the opportunity to try different specialties, so you can find your perfect niche. I also like that PAs are trained on the medical model. I started doing more shadowing and trying to find out as much as possible about the profession. I shadowed several more PAs and physicians who work closely with PAs. While shadowing at the ER with _______ and his students, I learned how to stay calm during a trauma and even assisted the PA students when they did some procedures. I handed an intern the materials while he was putting in a chest tube and gave a student the swabs while she was performing a pap smear. While shadowing at the urgent care clinic with ________r, I assisted in irrigating wounds and handed her materials as she put in stitches. Each instance has strengthened my dedication to becoming a PA and doing everything necessary to achieve that goal.