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Personal statement critique/review request.. Thank you for your help!!!! :)


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I am hoping to e-submit my app this coming week after my summer session grades are posted. I am applying to Rocky Mountain College in Billings, MT. I have a 3.7 gpa and about 2000 hours of direct patient care experience (paid and non-paid combined). This is my personal statement. I feel like it is a bit long, feel free to butcher!! THANK YOU!!! :)

I desire to become a Physician Assistant to provide a broader array of quality and accessible healthcare services to the underserved populations in my rural community. As a Registered Diagnostic Cardiac Sonographer, my healthcare services are limited by my current knowledge base and scope of practice. I want to expand my abilities and training for the opportunity to meet a larger variety of healthcare needs for the individuals in my community who need it most.

As a child, I developed my interest of having a future career in healthcare while observing the care my older sister received as a congenital heart patient. My sister was born with a ventricular membranous septal defect. Every couple of months she was scheduled to receive an echocardiogram (cardiac ultrasound exam). After watching several echocardiograms and being fascinated with the Cardiac Sonography profession, I decided that I wanted to go to ultrasound school after high school.

At 17, I moved from my home in Missoula, MT to Minneapolis, MN where I began a two-year, full time Cardiac Sonography program. I was the youngest student in my class, and the only one without healthcare experience or a previous degree. Being the underdog strengthened my desires to learn and I graduated at the top of my class. Before I graduated, I completed a six month clinical internship at United Hospital in St. Paul, MN. The longer I worked in the hospital the more I wanted to learn. I truly loved working in the healthcare field and I decided I wanted to keep looking for ways to expand my knowledge and training.

Becoming a Registered Diagnostic Cardiac Sonographer has allowed me to gain experience in a variety of hospital and clinic settings. Not only have I performed cardiac ultrasound exams and stress tests in the in-patient and out-patient setting, but I have also assisted with several Trans-Esophageal Echocardiograms in the operating room. Though Cardiac Sonography is a very specialized field, I feel I have had the opportunity to learn and experience many different areas of healthcare.

My time at United Hospital allowed me to work alongside Physician Assistants and see first-hand their day to day responsibilities. After several months of job shadowing and interacting with Physician Assistants I knew without a doubt, this is exactly what I longed to become in order to better serve my patients and advance my knowledge and abilities as a healthcare provider. As a Physician Assistant I will be able to order, perform and interpret diagnostic tests; and provide a much broader array of medical modalities collaboratively with my supervising physician and other team members.

After I graduated ultrasound school I moved back to my home in Montana and began a job in a small 24-bed hospital. Transitioning from a huge inner-city hospital to a small rural hospital gave me a unique perspective on the importance of Physician Assistants. Due to the shortage of primary care providers, the Physician Assistants seemed like they had a broader scope of practice due to the lack of accessible resources available to the hospital. I have truly enjoyed my time working in this rural setting and it has really opened my eyes to the need in my community.

Wanting to give back and further serve my community, I began a volunteer internship position with the health department at the Missoula Indian Center. My daily responsibilities included: obtaining basic health screenings and medical histories, taking vital signs, offering health education and prevention information, and dispensing over the counter medications and diabetic supplies. My time at the Missoula Indian Center has been the biggest motivator that drives my desire to help the underserved. Working with the Native American communities has allowed me to see the vast need of quality, accessible healthcare in my rural region. I hope to have the opportunity to work with the Indian Health Service and continue to serve this at-risk population once I am a Physician Assistant.

My specific long term goals are: 1) to practice medicine as a member of the healthcare team with my supervising physician, with particular interests in primary care and preventative medicine; 2) to continue serving at-risk and disadvantaged people in my community and the rural areas of this region; 3) to become more involved with the Indian Health Service and provide services to the underserved Native American populations. I am enthusiastic about the prospect of Physician Assistant training to greatly enhance my ability to care for communities in need.

I am hoping to e-submit my app this coming week after my summer session grades are posted. I am applying to Rocky Mountain College in Billings, MT. I have a 3.7 gpa and about 2000 hours of direct patient care experience (paid and non-paid combined). This is my personal statement. I feel like it is a bit long, feel free to butcher!! THANK YOU!!! :)

I desire to become a Physician Assistant to provide a broader array of quality and accessible healthcare services to the underserved populations in my rural community. As a Registered Diagnostic Cardiac Sonographer, my healthcare services are limited by my current knowledge base and scope of practice. I want to expand my abilities and training for the opportunity to meet a larger variety of healthcare needs for the individuals in my community who need it most.

As a child, I developed my interest of having a future career in healthcare while observing the care my older sister received as a congenital heart patient. My sister was born with a ventricular membranous septal defect. Every couple of months she was scheduled to receive an echocardiogram (cardiac ultrasound exam). After watching several echocardiograms and being fascinated with the Cardiac Sonography profession, I decided that I wanted to go to ultrasound school after high school.

At 17, I moved from my home in Missoula, MT to Minneapolis, MN where I began a two-year, full time Cardiac Sonography program. I was the youngest student in my class, and the only one without healthcare experience or a previous degree. Being the underdog strengthened my desires to learn and I graduated at the top of my class. Before I graduated, I completed a six month clinical internship at United Hospital in St. Paul, MN. The longer I worked in the hospital the more I wanted to learn. I truly loved working in the healthcare field and I decided I wanted to keep looking for ways to expand my knowledge and training.

Becoming a Registered Diagnostic Cardiac Sonographer has allowed me to gain experience in a variety of hospital and clinic settings. Not only have I performed cardiac ultrasound exams and stress tests in the in-patient and out-patient setting, but I have also assisted with several Trans-Esophageal Echocardiograms in the operating room. Though Cardiac Sonography is a very specialized field, I feel I have had the opportunity to learn and experience many different areas of healthcare.

My time at United Hospital allowed me to work alongside Physician Assistants and see first-hand their day to day responsibilities. After several months of job shadowing and interacting with Physician Assistants I knew without a doubt, this is exactly what I longed to become in order to better serve my patients and advance my knowledge and abilities as a healthcare provider. As a Physician Assistant I will be able to order, perform and interpret diagnostic tests; and provide a much broader array of medical modalities collaboratively with my supervising physician and other team members.

After I graduated ultrasound school I moved back to my home in Montana and began a job in a small 24-bed hospital. Transitioning from a huge inner-city hospital to a small rural hospital gave me a unique perspective on the importance of Physician Assistants. Due to the shortage of primary care providers, the Physician Assistants seemed like they had a broader scope of practice due to the lack of accessible resources available to the hospital. I have truly enjoyed my time working in this rural setting and it has really opened my eyes to the need in my community.

Wanting to give back and further serve my community, I began a volunteer internship position with the health department at the Missoula Indian Center. My daily responsibilities included: obtaining basic health screenings and medical histories, taking vital signs, offering health education and prevention information, and dispensing over the counter medications and diabetic supplies. My time at the Missoula Indian Center has been the biggest motivator that drives my desire to help the underserved. Working with the Native American communities has allowed me to see the vast need of quality, accessible healthcare in my rural region. I hope to have the opportunity to work with the Indian Health Service and continue to serve this at-risk population once I am a Physician Assistant.

My specific long term goals are: 1) to practice medicine as a member of the healthcare team with my supervising physician, with particular interests in primary care and preventative medicine; 2) to continue serving at-risk and disadvantaged people in my community and the rural areas of this region; 3) to become more involved with the Indian Health Service and provide services to the underserved Native American populations. I am enthusiastic about the prospect of Physician Assistant training to greatly enhance my ability to care for communities in need.

Hey medgirl91!

You caught my attention from the beginning because I, too, had a VSD growing up (repaired at age 12). :)

 

I think this is well-written, and I also think that it clearly conveys that you want to be a PA and that you want to serve rural populations. I also think you've got the motivation and HCE it takes to go through with PA school. These qualities are really, really refreshing to see in a PS :).

 

You mentioned that you think it might be a bit long, and I agree. It looks like you're close to the 5000 word limit. You reiterate your desire to further your education and broaden your scope of practice in order to better serve rural populations quite a few times. I don't actually think that this repetetiveness necessarily weakens your statement (not for me, at least), but I do think that it's an area where you could get away with cutting down a little.

 

Also, you can get rid of this sentence: "As a Physician Assistant I will be able to order, perform and interpret diagnostic tests; and provide a much broader array of medical modalities collaboratively with my supervising physician and other team members." While it shows that you know what a PA does, I don't think it enhances your essay. Also, the Adcoms reading this will know what a PA does.

 

Lastly, the first paragraph does a great job introducing your desire for further education to become a PA. It's a good statement, but it isn't very catchy. I'm going back and forth about whether it needs to be catchier--something for you to consider also. Leaving it the way it is might be perfectly fine. Maybe someone else on the forum can give their opinion about it.

 

All in all, I think this is a strong PS.

 

Best of luck in the application process!

Nicole

Hey medgirl91!

You caught my attention from the beginning because I, too, had a VSD growing up (repaired at age 12). :)

 

I think this is well-written, and I also think that it clearly conveys that you want to be a PA and that you want to serve rural populations. I also think you've got the motivation and HCE it takes to go through with PA school. These qualities are really, really refreshing to see in a PS :).

 

You mentioned that you think it might be a bit long, and I agree. It looks like you're close to the 5000 word limit. You reiterate your desire to further your education and broaden your scope of practice in order to better serve rural populations quite a few times. I don't actually think that this repetetiveness necessarily weakens your statement (not for me, at least), but I do think that it's an area where you could get away with cutting down a little.

 

Also, you can get rid of this sentence: "As a Physician Assistant I will be able to order, perform and interpret diagnostic tests; and provide a much broader array of medical modalities collaboratively with my supervising physician and other team members." While it shows that you know what a PA does, I don't think it enhances your essay. Also, the Adcoms reading this will know what a PA does.

 

Lastly, the first paragraph does a great job introducing your desire for further education to become a PA. It's a good statement, but it isn't very catchy. I'm going back and forth about whether it needs to be catchier--something for you to consider also. Leaving it the way it is might be perfectly fine. Maybe someone else on the forum can give their opinion about it.

 

All in all, I think this is a strong PS.

 

Best of luck in the application process!

Nicole

Thank you so much Nicole! I really appreciate your feedback!!! I am really hoping the Adcoms see and believe I have what it takes, because I am completely confident that I do! I am hoping my age (20) doesn't make them think I need more experience, since an older applicant would clearly have more paid HCE. That is my biggest worry.

 

Thanks again!! :)

Thank you so much Nicole! I really appreciate your feedback!!! I am really hoping the Adcoms see and believe I have what it takes, because I am completely confident that I do! I am hoping my age (20) doesn't make them think I need more experience, since an older applicant would clearly have more paid HCE. That is my biggest worry.

 

Thanks again!! :)

Oh, and regarding the first line: the school I am applying to really wants applicants that are committed to working with the underserved populations in the rural regions of MT and the Northwest. I figured by making this my opening statement, they would see my goals and passions fit with the school and hopefully it would set the tone for the entire PS. But I will continue to look at it this week! Thanks! :)

 

***EDIT***

 

After I copied my PS into CASPA, the character count is at 4630. Am I cutting it too close???

Oh, and regarding the first line: the school I am applying to really wants applicants that are committed to working with the underserved populations in the rural regions of MT and the Northwest. I figured by making this my opening statement, they would see my goals and passions fit with the school and hopefully it would set the tone for the entire PS. But I will continue to look at it this week! Thanks! :)

 

***EDIT***

 

After I copied my PS into CASPA, the character count is at 4630. Am I cutting it too close???

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