I beg! Please review and give me any criticism you have.

[heaven850]

*I am in the initial stages please give me any and all criticism you wish. I really appreciate the feedback:

 

 

 

This is where I belong. It seems like everything I've done has lead up to this moment in my life. As early as I can remember I have wanted a career in medicine. I've always had an affinity for helping those in need; couple this with my fascination for medicine and my career path evolved.

 

As a first generation college graduate my family wanted me to do everything from finding a cure for cancer to ending world hunger. There was however, a general understanding that I would do something in the health field. In college I was uncertain of which health career I wanted to pursue. At that point in my life the only medical careers I knew of where either a doctor or a nurse. Both occupations piqued my interest but I didn't feel completely committed to either. When my grandmother had a heart attack I was introduced to Physical Therapy. I was amazed with the level of patient to provider interaction and with the level of compassion and understanding the PT exhibited. I decided to shadow a PT and realized that while this was a great profession, it wasn't one that completely met my career goals. This experience showed me new possibilities in health care.

 

After college I took some time out to figure out what direction I wanted to go. I wanted a career that allowed me to practice medicine in various disciplines but also afforded the luxury of spending quality time with family. I began working with a company named xxxxx as a certified Surgical Laser Operator. My job was to manage laser equipment in the operating room while the doctor performed the surgery. It was here that I was able to see the independent yet cohesive role of a physician assistant. It was the first time that I realized that patient care is a collaborative effort. Assisting surgeons as they worked was the most exhilarating experience for me. I would stretch and contort my body to make sure that I had a clear view of the surgery. I felt so privileged to be in an OR. All I remember thinking is "this is where I belong". The doctors and PAs recognized my interest and curiosity. Before long they were explaining conditions to me, making sure I had a clear view, and speaking with me almost as if I their colleague. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the team. I knew that I wanted that feeling to last for life.

 

After relocating to xxxx for my husband's job I began looking more into the PA profession. I began shadowing a PA to solidify my decision. I have been in many operating rooms with doctors but it wasn't until I began shadowing a PA that I felt more of the human side. I had the pleasure of shadowing someone who truly cared about her patients, that went the extra mile to make people feel comfortable, and someone who overall enjoyed their line of work. While shadowing I saw a glimpse of myself and who I aspire to be.

 

I believe that my experiences have prepared me for this moment and this career. The courses required for my Exercise Science major coincide with the requirements for PA school and the building blocks for PAs. From my degree choice to deciding not to become a PT, to xxxx creating a PA program in xxxx, this is the moment that I have been waiting for. I hope that my compassion is recognized and my determination evident. My ambition to become a PA is the deepest desire I've ever known. No other profession can or will fulfill my need to become a PA. This is where I am belong.

[heaven850]

*I am in the initial stages please give me any and all criticism you wish. I really appreciate the feedback:

 

 

 

This is where I belong. It seems like everything I've done has lead up to this moment in my life. As early as I can remember I have wanted a career in medicine. I've always had an affinity for helping those in need; couple this with my fascination for medicine and my career path evolved.

 

As a first generation college graduate my family wanted me to do everything from finding a cure for cancer to ending world hunger. There was however, a general understanding that I would do something in the health field. In college I was uncertain of which health career I wanted to pursue. At that point in my life the only medical careers I knew of where either a doctor or a nurse. Both occupations piqued my interest but I didn't feel completely committed to either. When my grandmother had a heart attack I was introduced to Physical Therapy. I was amazed with the level of patient to provider interaction and with the level of compassion and understanding the PT exhibited. I decided to shadow a PT and realized that while this was a great profession, it wasn't one that completely met my career goals. This experience showed me new possibilities in health care.

 

After college I took some time out to figure out what direction I wanted to go. I wanted a career that allowed me to practice medicine in various disciplines but also afforded the luxury of spending quality time with family. I began working with a company named xxxxx as a certified Surgical Laser Operator. My job was to manage laser equipment in the operating room while the doctor performed the surgery. It was here that I was able to see the independent yet cohesive role of a physician assistant. It was the first time that I realized that patient care is a collaborative effort. Assisting surgeons as they worked was the most exhilarating experience for me. I would stretch and contort my body to make sure that I had a clear view of the surgery. I felt so privileged to be in an OR. All I remember thinking is "this is where I belong". The doctors and PAs recognized my interest and curiosity. Before long they were explaining conditions to me, making sure I had a clear view, and speaking with me almost as if I their colleague. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the team. I knew that I wanted that feeling to last for life.

 

After relocating to xxxx for my husband's job I began looking more into the PA profession. I began shadowing a PA to solidify my decision. I have been in many operating rooms with doctors but it wasn't until I began shadowing a PA that I felt more of the human side. I had the pleasure of shadowing someone who truly cared about her patients, that went the extra mile to make people feel comfortable, and someone who overall enjoyed their line of work. While shadowing I saw a glimpse of myself and who I aspire to be.

 

I believe that my experiences have prepared me for this moment and this career. The courses required for my Exercise Science major coincide with the requirements for PA school and the building blocks for PAs. From my degree choice to deciding not to become a PT, to xxxx creating a PA program in xxxx, this is the moment that I have been waiting for. I hope that my compassion is recognized and my determination evident. My ambition to become a PA is the deepest desire I've ever known. No other profession can or will fulfill my need to become a PA. This is where I am belong.

[pahelper]

its well written but why , please address

1. strengths and weaknesses.

2. future plans when you graduate.

3. what makes you an ideal candidate for the specific program.

4. you have written about a life experience which is great.

5. what was the strongest influence for you to decide PA.

 

I hope it helps

[pahelper]

its well written but why , please address

1. strengths and weaknesses.

2. future plans when you graduate.

3. what makes you an ideal candidate for the specific program.

4. you have written about a life experience which is great.

5. what was the strongest influence for you to decide PA.

 

I hope it helps

[heaven850]

Thank you very much for your insight. I will make these revisions.

[heaven850]

Thank you very much for your insight. I will make these revisions.

[Just Steve]

*I am in the initial stages please give me any and all criticism you wish. I really appreciate the feedback:

 

 

 

This is where I belong. It seems like everything I've done has lead up to this moment in my life. As early as I can remember I have wanted a career in medicine. I've always had an affinity for helping those in need; What did you do? Volunteer? Loan money to a friend? Tutor struggling students? My point? You claim you have always had an affinity but give no example. Makes the statement feel empty. couple this with my fascination for medicine Why did medicine fascinate you? Enjoyed watching ER and Grey's Anatomy and thought "that's cool!" Or did you have an experience that hooked you? and my career path evolved.

 

As a first generation college graduate my family wanted me to do everything from finding a cure for cancer to ending world hunger. All families want their children to thrive and do better than they did. This sentence, while sentimental, doesn't really lend itself to anything except maybe allude to pressure from the family to perform, thus making me, the reader, question are you doing this for YOU or THEM? There was however, a general understanding that I would do something in the health field. In college I was uncertain of which health career I wanted to pursue. At that point in my life the only medical careers I knew of where/were?either a doctor or a nurse. Both occupations piqued my interest but I didn't feel completely committed to either.why not? By including that statement it opens the door for questions. You could say the same thing without the dr/nurse part. "I wasn't sure where my fit was in the medical field". When my grandmother had a heart attack I was introduced to Physical Therapy. I was amazed with the level of patient to provider interaction and with the level of compassion and understanding the PT exhibited. I decided to shadow a PT and realized that while this was a great profession, it wasn't one that completely met my career goals.Compassion..understanding...great profession...but wasn't good enough for you? Why not? You don't like compassion and understanding and having a great profession? My point again? That statement can be dissected and scrutinized. I'd find a new way to say that PT is a respectable field, but didn't ring your bell. This experience showed me new possibilities in health care. How did it show you? What else did you see? What other possibilities did you run into during your time shadowing in Physical Therapy? What experience enlightened you? Or were you just made aware that there was more to health care than doctors and nurses?

 

After college I took some time out to figure out what direction I wanted to go. A week? A month? A few years? This line makes me want to see your resume to see where there is a gap in time and how big of gap that is. What did you do? Go straight into laser work or did a walkabout? I wanted a career that allowed me to practice medicine in various disciplines but also afforded the luxury of spending quality time with family. I began working with a company named xxxxx as a certified Surgical Laser Operator. You wanted a job that offered a variety, but went into the OR running a laser. That isn't a real broad, varied, multi disciplinary field of medicine. Keep in mind your audience are medical professionals who are aware of the scope of different technical jobs. My job was to manage laser equipment in the operating room while the doctor performed the surgery. It was here that I was able to see the independent yet cohesive role of a physician assistant. It was the first time that I realized that patient care is a collaborative effort.You didn't realize that medicine was collaborative when you met Physical Therapists working with your grandma? But you said it showed you new possibilities in health care. Now I'm a confused reader. Can you clarify that confusion? Assisting surgeons as they worked was the most exhilarating experience for me. I would stretch and contort my body to make sure that I had a clear view of the surgery.Most of us in the OR stretch and contort to keep our body from aching or our feet from falling asleep. That is just an extra sentence. I am sure you can find a better way to express your enthusiasm for watching the surgery. I felt so privileged to be in an OR. But wasn't that your job? All I remember thinking is "this is where I belong". You belong maintaining the laser? Where do you belong? On the table? You need some work done? Or do you mean you belong on a surgical team performing these procedures? Again, for a person wanting to work in a wide diversity of medical fields, laser surgery is about as encompassing as a cheeseburger on a pub menu. It's one small, though vital part. You can dress it up with different cheeses and add lettuce, but it's still a cheeseburger. Either own the OR/Laser surgery as your true passion and say you are going to rock the bejeezes out of that position as a PA or stop trying to play to two audiences. You can't convince me with one breath that you want the diversity that a PA offers then claim you need to run that laser with the next breath. The doctors and PAs recognized my interest and curiosity. You mean they noticed that person stretching and contorting? Why did they recognize you? Did you ask to shadow on your off days? Did you ask to assist further? Did you inquire about the patient's history/physical? What made you stand out from any other person watching them? Before long they were explaining conditions to me, making sure I had a clear view, and speaking with me almost as if I were their colleague.They did consults with you? Asked your opinion on what a better approach might be? Ran cases past you to see your thoughts? Or did they respect, support, and seek to assist you along your path? Again, a rewording could make your point flow in a much more fluent manner. Comparing yourself to a colleague is akin to giving yourself a promotion. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the team. I knew that I wanted that feeling to last for life. A tech taking care of the laser is part of the team. Is that what you wanted to last forever? You wanted them to almost treat you like a colleague? You wanted to continue to stretch and contort to watch surgery? OWN the desire to be the PA. Convince me that you are going to take that PA's job. I'm not yet convinced you don't want to be the doctor.

 

After relocating to xxxx for my husband's job I began looking more into the PA profession. I began shadowing a PA to solidify my decision. I have been in many operating rooms with doctors but it wasn't until I began shadowing a PA that I felt more of the human side. I had the pleasure of shadowing someone who truly cared about her patients, that went the extra mile to make people feel comfortable, and someone who overall enjoyed their line of work. All surgeon jokes aside...are they not human? Doctors don't truly care about their patients? They don't go the extra mile? They don't like their line of work? I realize this is an attempt to highlight the values you see in a PA but you don't succeed in doing that by making a backhanded comment alluding to MD's not going the extra mile. While shadowing I saw a glimpse of myself and who I aspire to be.

 

I believe that my experiences have prepared me for this moment and this career. The courses required for my Exercise Science major coincide with the requirements for PA school and the building blocks for PAs.So PA is just easier because you have already taken the pre reqs? I don't see the need to mention that your major covers the pre reqs. How you get your pre reqs really doesn't rate very high in my opinion. I am the guy who would take an english lit major who was abroad teaching english to foreign born nationals for a year before I would take some "gunner" in an academic pipeline straight from college. Telling me your whole academic life has been about this one career on a planet that is 28,000 miles around doesn't win me over. (I like life experiences...what about that time off you took off after college? Tell me about it.)What else have you done? Or just strike that whole bit from your statement. It adds nothing of value to who you are. I know you have done the pre reqs..otherwise you wouldn't be applying. From my degree choice to deciding not to become a PT, to xxxx creating a PA program in xxxx, this is the moment that I have been waiting for. I am not aware of the degree called "not to become a PT". Can you elaborate? (or reword that sentence)So you were on the path to go PT, despite your shadowing experience telling you that wasn't the field for you, then this school fires up a PA program that is close to home? You knew you always wanted to be a PA but you were not willing to relocate to another school before this program opened? Is this a movement of opportunity, not one of passion? I am confused again. I hope that my compassion is recognized and my determination evident. Determination to get into a program that is close to home and fits to your master plan, but not determined enough to relocate whereever you need to? More confusion. My ambition to become a PA is the deepest desire I've ever known. No other profession can or will fulfill my need to become a PA. Ever try being an architect? Astronaut? Hedge fund manager? Whitewater raft guide? This statement of "no other profession" rates up there with "he/she is the only person who can make me feel this loved" It is dramatic flair that is spewed out by every PA applicant reguardless of their demonstrated knowledge of the field. Your PS talks a lot about PT, the OR and of shadowing which I am led to believe was also in the OR, but I don't see any hands on patient care in that wide diversity of medicine you mentioned earlier. Have you ever been exposed to ER? Primary Care? Family Health? Behavioral Health? Underserved? Rural? Inner City? Ever volunteer for anything? How are you connected to your community? You speak of going the extra mile and having compassion for the patient, but that extra mile and compassion for PAs does not stop at the scrub sink. What have you done outside of shadowing? What I see is a narrow focus where I want to see is a broad, deep person that I want to believe you are. This is where I am belong.

 

my responses in red

 

Ok..I may have dissected a little abruptly, but I wrote from the gut. I can spend a couple of hours really putting a sweet smelling scent on my input and say the same thing a lot nicer, or I can fire off the way I did and get back to studying genetics, which where I should be right now. I don't mean to attack you as a person. It was my intent to be hyper critical on your paper as it is my impression, as well as your admission, that this is an early draft. I getting my first research paper of PA school back this Friday, I'm sure it'll bleed at least as much as the passage above. So you will be avenged :-)

 

So take my input for what it's worth...advice is always free on the internet. It's the quality of that advice that you have to decide for yourself if it's valid.

 

Good luck

[Just Steve]

*I am in the initial stages please give me any and all criticism you wish. I really appreciate the feedback:

 

 

 

This is where I belong. It seems like everything I've done has lead up to this moment in my life. As early as I can remember I have wanted a career in medicine. I've always had an affinity for helping those in need; What did you do? Volunteer? Loan money to a friend? Tutor struggling students? My point? You claim you have always had an affinity but give no example. Makes the statement feel empty. couple this with my fascination for medicine Why did medicine fascinate you? Enjoyed watching ER and Grey's Anatomy and thought "that's cool!" Or did you have an experience that hooked you? and my career path evolved.

 

As a first generation college graduate my family wanted me to do everything from finding a cure for cancer to ending world hunger. All families want their children to thrive and do better than they did. This sentence, while sentimental, doesn't really lend itself to anything except maybe allude to pressure from the family to perform, thus making me, the reader, question are you doing this for YOU or THEM? There was however, a general understanding that I would do something in the health field. In college I was uncertain of which health career I wanted to pursue. At that point in my life the only medical careers I knew of where/were?either a doctor or a nurse. Both occupations piqued my interest but I didn't feel completely committed to either.why not? By including that statement it opens the door for questions. You could say the same thing without the dr/nurse part. "I wasn't sure where my fit was in the medical field". When my grandmother had a heart attack I was introduced to Physical Therapy. I was amazed with the level of patient to provider interaction and with the level of compassion and understanding the PT exhibited. I decided to shadow a PT and realized that while this was a great profession, it wasn't one that completely met my career goals.Compassion..understanding...great profession...but wasn't good enough for you? Why not? You don't like compassion and understanding and having a great profession? My point again? That statement can be dissected and scrutinized. I'd find a new way to say that PT is a respectable field, but didn't ring your bell. This experience showed me new possibilities in health care. How did it show you? What else did you see? What other possibilities did you run into during your time shadowing in Physical Therapy? What experience enlightened you? Or were you just made aware that there was more to health care than doctors and nurses?

 

After college I took some time out to figure out what direction I wanted to go. A week? A month? A few years? This line makes me want to see your resume to see where there is a gap in time and how big of gap that is. What did you do? Go straight into laser work or did a walkabout? I wanted a career that allowed me to practice medicine in various disciplines but also afforded the luxury of spending quality time with family. I began working with a company named xxxxx as a certified Surgical Laser Operator. You wanted a job that offered a variety, but went into the OR running a laser. That isn't a real broad, varied, multi disciplinary field of medicine. Keep in mind your audience are medical professionals who are aware of the scope of different technical jobs. My job was to manage laser equipment in the operating room while the doctor performed the surgery. It was here that I was able to see the independent yet cohesive role of a physician assistant. It was the first time that I realized that patient care is a collaborative effort.You didn't realize that medicine was collaborative when you met Physical Therapists working with your grandma? But you said it showed you new possibilities in health care. Now I'm a confused reader. Can you clarify that confusion? Assisting surgeons as they worked was the most exhilarating experience for me. I would stretch and contort my body to make sure that I had a clear view of the surgery.Most of us in the OR stretch and contort to keep our body from aching or our feet from falling asleep. That is just an extra sentence. I am sure you can find a better way to express your enthusiasm for watching the surgery. I felt so privileged to be in an OR. But wasn't that your job? All I remember thinking is "this is where I belong". You belong maintaining the laser? Where do you belong? On the table? You need some work done? Or do you mean you belong on a surgical team performing these procedures? Again, for a person wanting to work in a wide diversity of medical fields, laser surgery is about as encompassing as a cheeseburger on a pub menu. It's one small, though vital part. You can dress it up with different cheeses and add lettuce, but it's still a cheeseburger. Either own the OR/Laser surgery as your true passion and say you are going to rock the bejeezes out of that position as a PA or stop trying to play to two audiences. You can't convince me with one breath that you want the diversity that a PA offers then claim you need to run that laser with the next breath. The doctors and PAs recognized my interest and curiosity. You mean they noticed that person stretching and contorting? Why did they recognize you? Did you ask to shadow on your off days? Did you ask to assist further? Did you inquire about the patient's history/physical? What made you stand out from any other person watching them? Before long they were explaining conditions to me, making sure I had a clear view, and speaking with me almost as if I were their colleague.They did consults with you? Asked your opinion on what a better approach might be? Ran cases past you to see your thoughts? Or did they respect, support, and seek to assist you along your path? Again, a rewording could make your point flow in a much more fluent manner. Comparing yourself to a colleague is akin to giving yourself a promotion. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the team. I knew that I wanted that feeling to last for life. A tech taking care of the laser is part of the team. Is that what you wanted to last forever? You wanted them to almost treat you like a colleague? You wanted to continue to stretch and contort to watch surgery? OWN the desire to be the PA. Convince me that you are going to take that PA's job. I'm not yet convinced you don't want to be the doctor.

 

After relocating to xxxx for my husband's job I began looking more into the PA profession. I began shadowing a PA to solidify my decision. I have been in many operating rooms with doctors but it wasn't until I began shadowing a PA that I felt more of the human side. I had the pleasure of shadowing someone who truly cared about her patients, that went the extra mile to make people feel comfortable, and someone who overall enjoyed their line of work. All surgeon jokes aside...are they not human? Doctors don't truly care about their patients? They don't go the extra mile? They don't like their line of work? I realize this is an attempt to highlight the values you see in a PA but you don't succeed in doing that by making a backhanded comment alluding to MD's not going the extra mile. While shadowing I saw a glimpse of myself and who I aspire to be.

 

I believe that my experiences have prepared me for this moment and this career. The courses required for my Exercise Science major coincide with the requirements for PA school and the building blocks for PAs.So PA is just easier because you have already taken the pre reqs? I don't see the need to mention that your major covers the pre reqs. How you get your pre reqs really doesn't rate very high in my opinion. I am the guy who would take an english lit major who was abroad teaching english to foreign born nationals for a year before I would take some "gunner" in an academic pipeline straight from college. Telling me your whole academic life has been about this one career on a planet that is 28,000 miles around doesn't win me over. (I like life experiences...what about that time off you took off after college? Tell me about it.)What else have you done? Or just strike that whole bit from your statement. It adds nothing of value to who you are. I know you have done the pre reqs..otherwise you wouldn't be applying. From my degree choice to deciding not to become a PT, to xxxx creating a PA program in xxxx, this is the moment that I have been waiting for. I am not aware of the degree called "not to become a PT". Can you elaborate? (or reword that sentence)So you were on the path to go PT, despite your shadowing experience telling you that wasn't the field for you, then this school fires up a PA program that is close to home? You knew you always wanted to be a PA but you were not willing to relocate to another school before this program opened? Is this a movement of opportunity, not one of passion? I am confused again. I hope that my compassion is recognized and my determination evident. Determination to get into a program that is close to home and fits to your master plan, but not determined enough to relocate whereever you need to? More confusion. My ambition to become a PA is the deepest desire I've ever known. No other profession can or will fulfill my need to become a PA. Ever try being an architect? Astronaut? Hedge fund manager? Whitewater raft guide? This statement of "no other profession" rates up there with "he/she is the only person who can make me feel this loved" It is dramatic flair that is spewed out by every PA applicant reguardless of their demonstrated knowledge of the field. Your PS talks a lot about PT, the OR and of shadowing which I am led to believe was also in the OR, but I don't see any hands on patient care in that wide diversity of medicine you mentioned earlier. Have you ever been exposed to ER? Primary Care? Family Health? Behavioral Health? Underserved? Rural? Inner City? Ever volunteer for anything? How are you connected to your community? You speak of going the extra mile and having compassion for the patient, but that extra mile and compassion for PAs does not stop at the scrub sink. What have you done outside of shadowing? What I see is a narrow focus where I want to see is a broad, deep person that I want to believe you are. This is where I am belong.

 

my responses in red

 

Ok..I may have dissected a little abruptly, but I wrote from the gut. I can spend a couple of hours really putting a sweet smelling scent on my input and say the same thing a lot nicer, or I can fire off the way I did and get back to studying genetics, which where I should be right now. I don't mean to attack you as a person. It was my intent to be hyper critical on your paper as it is my impression, as well as your admission, that this is an early draft. I getting my first research paper of PA school back this Friday, I'm sure it'll bleed at least as much as the passage above. So you will be avenged :-)

 

So take my input for what it's worth...advice is always free on the internet. It's the quality of that advice that you have to decide for yourself if it's valid.

 

Good luck

[heaven850]

Just Steve- Thank you very much for this. It's exactly what I needed. I did make some of these revisions already but you showed me that there are plenty more to make. I really appreciate your honesty and the time you took to RIP it apart lol :)

[heaven850]

Just Steve- Thank you very much for this. It's exactly what I needed. I did make some of these revisions already but you showed me that there are plenty more to make. I really appreciate your honesty and the time you took to RIP it apart lol :)