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Second Draft. Critique would be much appreciated! Thanks!

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What I edited from my 1st draft was the patient's name; rewording a few sentences; and fixing a paragraph about my background in music. There are a few semesters when I was in music school that I did horrible in gen eds but great in music courses. I thought that I should explain them. Thank you so much!


“Gracias a Dios!” exclaimed the woman as she thanked God after finding out that she was making a vast improvement in managing both her diabetes and hypertension. As I sat there interpreting for the physician assistant (PA) during her patient’s visit, I knew that the PA could see the relief in the woman’s smile without any need of translation. We had gone over her lab results thoroughly and made sure she understood them clearly. The patient was following her treatment plan and keeping up with her medication just as she was instructed. The PA thanked her for her collaboration and held her arm as she congratulated her on her improvement. A tear went down the woman’s face as she said how grateful she was for the help she was getting from everyone at the free clinic.


Although we really wish all of the patients at the free clinic were as collaborative and appreciative as the aforementioned woman, it is quite frustrating when the condition of some patients deteriorates due to non-compliance and when they demand for way more than what we can handle as a donation based clinic. Despite these moments of disappointment, the providers at the free clinic always keep their heads up and continue on with giving the best care they can to their patients. I admire them for their commitment and tenacity and I hope that one day I can follow their example as a PA who is dedicated, engaging, and kind to all my patients.


It still amazes me how involved I’ve gotten in the medical field. About seven years ago, I was a classical guitar major with no clear prospect of my future career. I exceled in music courses but I did not do well in general education requirements because of my disinterest in anything but music. As much as I loved creating my own music and collaborating with fellow music majors to compose and put together wonderful performances for the public, in the back of my mind I knew that I was a burden to my parents. They struggled financially so that I could be where I was and yet they were very supportive, for which I am immensely grateful. I also knew that I wasn’t taking the right path to the future I wanted. After much consideration, I determined that I could still fulfill my passion for music through independent study and at the same time pursue a more stable and productive career.


The one thing that attracted me to the Medical Laboratory Technician (MLT) program at a local community college was the synergy between healthcare providers and laboratory scientists. The accurate methods of detecting and measuring physiological markers in the human body are crucial for the diagnosis and treatment of disease. I also learned of the importance in teamwork among healthcare professionals. As MLTs, we want to communicate and provide definitive results in a timely and efficient manner to aid healthcare providers in their diagnoses of their patients. I’m proud of my role as an MLT; however, as specimen tubes come and go, I’m left wondering what emotional distress each one of them is carrying.



After hearing about PAs from a few classmates working on their prerequisites and coworkers recommending me that I look into it, I decided to do extensive research on what PAs are and what they do. Although there were many things that impressed me, the role of PAs in team-based care is what initially drew me towards the profession. I realized how important it is for there to be trust and harmony between the physician and PA in order to function proficiently and provide high quality care. I love what I have been doing as an MLT and now I know I’m ready to take on a bigger role in a team of health professionals. As a PA, I hope to become an invaluable resource to both the patient and physician and make a meaningful contribution to any communities in need of care.  The impact of PAs on the primary care physician shortage has been tremendous and I’m fortunate to see it myself whenever I volunteer at the free clinic.

I always feel more enthusiastic about embarking on this rewarding career when I talk to the PA at the free clinic as she speaks of her profession in a passionate and fervent manner. I can see that she is an effective team player; she collaborates with the other providers and consults the supervising physician to decide on the best way treat their patients. I’m very fortunate to be in the same room with her as she sees her patients, whose gratitude has showed me how important it is to take time to listen, counsel, and support patients. The PA amazes me with the compassion and concern she has for her patients and I can’t help but envisioning myself assuming her role in providing medical care to people who need it most. Volunteering at the free clinic has been an invaluable experience, by giving me the opportunity to help people in need and by reassuring me of my future career as a primary care physician assistant in a medically underserved area.


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Good essay- the second paragraph first sentence is long and could use some work. I would not use contractions such as I've. Write out I have. I would edit your music paragraph- sounds like you love music but you know there is no future career with financial stability and that you have let your parents down and this is the reason for your choice of PA school.

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