First Draft PA Narrative - ANY advice/edits will help!

[elisa357]

           I received a frantic phone call from my step mom one morning, as I’m about to walk into class. She explained to me that my dad had been throwing up the previous night and had to be rushed to the hospital. They found he had a colon obstruction and needed to have emergency surgery stat. Although my father has always been an ox of a man, I had to take into consideration that he was 83 years old and there was a possibility he might not make it. At that moment I realized my hero, my rock, my emotional and financial support throughout my entire life could be taken from me without notice. My entire world collapsed on me at the blink of an eye.  How could I live without him? How would I support myself financially? Where would I have to live? I had no idea what to expect from this. It was a huge, unexpected emotional burden I had to accept. I was young, immature and still very dependent on my dad. This unexpected incidence took a huge toll on my personal and academic life. It became quite difficult to concentrate in class but I knew I needed to do well enough to finish my degree and make my father proud.

            My dad was now in very critical condition, although the surgery was a success, I had to actively begin looking for a job. I sent out my resume to all pharmaceutical companies in South Florida and got a call back from one. It was hard to accept that my life long dream of being accepted into medical school was no longer a possibility for me. Pronova Corp. called me to interview and I was hired as an administrative assistant two weeks later. Once I graduated from Florida International University (FIU) with a bachelor’s degree in Biology they offered me a position doing Inside Pharmaceutical Sales. I was familiar with their product line, I was a great team player, I was capable of understanding and conveying complex information to healthcare providers and I had acquired excellent communication and customer service skills allowing me to build strong relationships with healthcare providers. Although I was very fitting for the position in sales and had a successful proven sales track just six months into the position, it wasn’t enough to satisfy my character. It lacked genuine gratification from direct patient care.  

             During my time attending FIU, I was part of the National Society of Collegiate Scholars and an active E-board member of The American Medical Student Association (AMSA). Being part of the pre-med chapter of AMSA at FIU, I was able to volunteer in Miami Children’s hospital, helping RNs feed babies, playing with kids to distract them and remind them how fun life was beside their illness and be part of Radio Lollipop bringing smiles to the kids faces with different planned activities. I was also able to volunteer in the Emergency Department (ED) of Mercy Hospital where I helped RNs take vitals in triage, shadow ED physicians and help the CRNAs stock room carts. My most rewarding experience and what solidified my interest in becoming a healthcare provider was my experience shadowing the Chief Anesthesiologist of Mercy Hospital, Dr. Salomon Imiak. He allowed us to shadow his team in the Operating Room and watch all sorts of operations such as craniotomy, total knee replacements, cholecystectomy performed by the DaVinci robot and even a double by-pass open heart surgery. Dr. Imiak showed us that being an exceptional physician meant hard work and true devotion to each individual’s well being.

            Besides always having an affinity to learning science and medicine at an early age, I want to be a physician assistant (PA) to feel humbled by directly making an impact in caring for somebody’s life and making it better. I want to feel how I felt towards the surgeons that saved my fathers life. My life experiences have lead me to become a stronger, mature, focused woman. Attending PA school will further prepare me to become a trustworthy healthcare provider and allow me the flexibility to look forward to having a family in the next few years. Life isn’t perfect and it certainly never goes as planned. There are always bumps and hurdles we must endure and grow from in order to become a better person. I’ve learned throughout my sales career that perseverance and persistence is key in order to obtain any goal. In life everything happens for a reason and although I did not pursue medical school, I feel like becoming a PA and working under the supervision of a doctor, as a team player, is my true calling after all.  Thank you for your consideration. 

[Alanna200]

Hi, Elisa. I am also applying this cycle and have posted my statement on this site. There are a lot of us posting for advice so I think maybe we should do our part and try and help each other when we have time. I don't purport to be an expert, but I will do my best to give my point of view on your narrative. Blue = corrected Red = correction/opinion Good luck!

 

           I received a frantic phone call from my (stepmother) step mom one morning, (no comma needed) as (I was about to walk into class. Try not to use contractions like "I'm" and also try to keep the same tense throughout your statement) I’m about to walk into class. She explained to me that my dad had been throwing up the previous night and had to be rushed to the hospital. They found he had a colon obstruction and needed to have emergency surgery stat. Although my father has always been an ox of a man, I had to take into consideration that he was 83 years old and there was a possibility he might not make it. At that moment I realized my hero, my rock, my emotional and financial support throughout my entire life could be taken from me without notice. My entire world collapsed on me at the blink of an eye.  How could I live without him? How would I support myself financially? Where would I have to live? I had no idea what to expect from this. It was a huge, unexpected emotional burden I had to accept. I was young, immature and still very dependent on my dad. This unexpected incidence (incident) took a huge toll on my personal and academic life. It became quite difficult to concentrate in class, but I knew I needed to do well enough to finish my degree and make my father proud.

            My dad was now in very critical condition, although the surgery was a success. (Non sequitur) I had to actively begin looking for a job. I sent out my resume to all pharmaceutical companies in South Florida and got a call back from one. It was hard to accept that my life long dream of being accepted into medical school was no longer a possibility for me (This is a horrible sentence to put in an application for PA school. I know that's brutal, but I feel like PA school now sounds like your backup plan and I will want to ignore the rest of what I read). Pronova Corp. called me to interview and I was hired as an administrative assistant two weeks later. Once I graduated from Florida International University (FIU) with a bachelor’s degree in Biology they offered me a position doing Inside Pharmaceutical Sales. I was familiar with their product line, I was a great team player, I was capable of understanding and conveying complex information to healthcare providers and I had acquired excellent communication and customer service skills allowing me to build strong relationships with healthcare providers. Although I was very fitting for the position in sales and had a successful proven sales track just six months into the position, it wasn’t enough to satisfy my character. It lacked genuine gratification from direct patient care.  

             During my time attending FIU, I was part of the National Society of Collegiate Scholars and an active E-board member of The American Medical Student Association (AMSA). Being part of the pre-med chapter of AMSA at FIU, I was able to volunteer in Miami Children’s hospital, helping RNs feed babies, playing with kids to distract them and remind them how fun life was beside their illness and be part of Radio Lollipop bringing smiles to the kids faces with different planned activities. I was also able to volunteer in the Emergency Department (ED) of Mercy Hospital where I helped RNs take vitals in triage, shadow ED physicians and help the CRNAs stock room carts. My most rewarding experience and what solidified my interest in becoming a healthcare provider was my experience shadowing the Chief Anesthesiologist of Mercy Hospital, Dr. Salomon Imiak. He allowed us to shadow his team in the Operating Room and watch all sorts of operations such as craniotomy, total knee replacements, cholecystectomy performed by the DaVinci robot and even a double by-pass open heart surgery. Dr. Imiak showed us that being an exceptional physician meant hard work and true devotion to each individual’s well being.

            Besides always having an affinity to learning science and medicine at an early age, I want to be a physician assistant (PA) to feel humbled by directly making an impact in caring for somebody’s life and making it better. I want to feel how I felt towards the surgeons that saved my fathers life (Do you mean you want others to feel toward you how you felt toward the surgeons? This sentence confused me). My life experiences have (led) lead me to become a stronger, (you'd have to say "more mature, and more focused woman" since you used the word "stronger")mature, focused woman. Attending PA school will further prepare me to become a trustworthy healthcare provider and allow me the flexibility to look forward to having a family in the next few years (Another sentence I think you should delete. It makes it sound like you believe being a PA is easier than being and MD and allows you relaxation time. It doesn't explain what you will offer to the PA profession, only what the profession offers you). Life isn’t perfect and it certainly never goes as planned. There are always bumps and hurdles we must endure and grow from in order to become a better person. I’ve learned throughout my sales career that perseverance and persistence is key in order to obtain any goal. In life everything happens for a reason and although I did not pursue medical school, I feel like becoming a PA and working under the supervision of a doctor, as a team player, is my true calling after all (If you truly feel this way, I would re-write several sentences to show it).  Thank you for your consideration(I'm not sure about this last sentence, maybe someone else will have opinions other than mine). 

[elisa357]

Thank you so much for your great points. I had edited some of my wrong doings from the original first draft but nonetheless I am grateful you took the time to read my narrative & help me out w/ your suggestions.